Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to Tuesday.  Twofer Tuesday, Taco-Tuesday, it’s all Tuesday.  Probably the worst day of the week.  You might think that’s Monday, but it’s really not.  You are rested from the weekend, but not really ready to go back to work, but by Tuesday, the rest is gone and it’s just the beginning of the friggin’ week, so yeah.  Tuesday sucks.  For me, Tuesday has always been the day with all the meetings.  I have no idea why they picked Tuesday, I guess you have to have one day and Tuesday was it.  So, if you don’t see me around the campfire today, you’ll know why.  So, without further ado, let’s get on with some laughs and I’ll talk more later.

Leah writes and says:

I realized why this month is called May….

It may rain, it may snow, it may be 70 degrees, it may be 20 degrees.

Boy ain’t that the truth.  We were under a freeze warning again this morning.  And actually hit 80 degrees the other day.  I wish it would make up it’s damn mind!

“Do Not Touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.

My wife says I have two faults.

I don’t listen and something else….

I think I just found something that’s scarier in Braille

Nurse: What happened to your fingers?

Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables really fast?

Nurse: Yes?

Me: I can’t do that.

Sure, seems legit to me.  No need to check on it at all…..said no parent, ever!

You may find this hard to believe, but deep down I’m really a morning person.

Very deep down…

Like the bottom of the third cup of coffee deep.

It’s okay if you disagree with me.

I can’t force you to be right.

I’m still tired from yesterday’s tired.

Today isn’t looking so good, and I’ve already used up tomorrow’s tired.

So, a neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 am…. 3 AM!!!!

Luckily I was already up playing the bag pipes.

I just told my kids I’m older than Google.

They think I’m joking.

Stephanie shared this headline with me….

Rare Blue Dragons are Washing Up on the Padre Island National Seashore

Well, we are pretty rare…in fact, I was fairly sure I was the only one still hanging around this plane of existence, but it’s possible one or two of my relatives could’ve popped in for a visit.  But, that headline makes it sound like it’s something else so I clicked on the link

https://www.cnn.com/2020/05/09/us/blue-dragon-padre-island-national-seashore-trnd/index.html

And got this picture:

What da hell!  He doesn’t look anything like me!   Caption says: “A blue dragon, found by 7-year-old Hunter Lane.  He’s not much of a hunter, if he captured something that small!  But, if I have to go and defend my brethren, we’re going to find out how much of a hunter he is!  This hunter named Lane!  So, I kept reading…

Okay — CNN?  Bullshit alert!  NOT the flying, fire-breathing creatures…then they are NOT dragons!  They sure don’t LOOK like dragons, maybe this Hunter named Lane is off the hook.  Let me read a little more…

Blue dragons, or glaucus atlanticus, are tiny sea slugs — typically only 3 cm big, or a little over an inch. They can be found in the Atlantic, Pacific and Indian Oceans, according to the conservation nonprofit Oceana.

SEA SLUGS!!!!!  HOW DARE THEY STEAL SUCH A GREAT NAME AND GIVE IT TO A SEA SLUG!!!!!  It is kinda cute though…But a SEA SLUG!!!!

Ugh!  Thanks, Stephanie for ruining or or making my day.  I haven’t decided which yet!  You can read the rest of the article here:

https://www.cnn.com/2020/05/09/us/blue-dragon-padre-island-national-seashore-trnd/index.html

Okay!  ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!  I’VE HAD ALL I CAN STAND AND I CAN’T STAND ANY MORE!!!!!

There are no Chainsaw Bears.
There are no Sniper Monkeys.
And I don’t even want to think about whatever the hell those things in the first picture are.
There are no Sharknados.
There are no Razor Rabbits.
Land Sharks or any of the rest of that crap!!!!
Yes, Murder Hornets are real and so is Godzilla, but I think he’s on our side.
The sentient apes on horseback I’m not sure of, but come on!!!!

Let’s get back to the important business of laughter for laughter’s sake and saying bullshit to this fake fear that is being thrown around for the sake of scaring people.

Now, really…wombats with rocket launchers?  Really?

Come on…

 

 

Okay, now that shit I believe!!!!

Wife: What do you want for your birthday?

Me:  I want to ride a horse to the middle of the desert and take peyote and scream at god

Wife: I mean from like Target

Me: Ooooh an air fryer

It’s gardening season…

7 weeks ago I planted myself on this sofa, and I have grown considerably!

Leah D

Blow my mind! I’ve fondly known about cat naps . . . now I have to shuffle the files in my cabinet called brain to include the new ‘cat maps’, Is this a dementia test?

Yes, yes it is… how are you doing so far?

Everyone is freaking out about Murder Hornets, and Texans are wondering how it’ll taste stuffed in a jalapeño and wrapped in bacon.

We were talking earlier about how cold it was still here…I stepped out back earlier to let the dogs out and I swear I got hit with some sleet!  Anyway, Donnie G sent me this one and it cracked me up.  Oh, and by the way.  Thanks for the PayPal donation Donnie!  Much appreciated!  It helps a lot brother!

Any of you who’ve ever been up in that part of the world know how true that is!

I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike, and she gave me the finger.  Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.

I tried.

YUCK!!!!

And with that nasty taste and thought in our heads, let’s call it a day.  I hope you enjoyed today’s offering.  And found something to tickle your funny bone.

Until tomorrow.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Monday, Monday, can’t trust that day
Monday, Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way
Oh Monday mornin’ you gave me no warnin’ of what was to be
Oh Monday, Monday, how could you leave and not take me

Exactly how I feel….some of you know that was from the song, Monday, Monday by the Mamas and the Papas and was a surprise number one hit for them in 1966…yes…I’m that old.

I really don’t have much to add this morning.  It’s still very early and it’s still Sunday for me, maybe I’ll have more later, but for now…let’s get some laughter in and see where the day takes us.

Cannibal Bar & Grill

We’ve been serving our neighbors for years!

Yep, It’s just about time to break out that 25 piece patio set…

1 chair and 24 beers

Next we have a letter and a story from Tom from the Northwest…..

Hello Mr. Dragon; I wanted to say something about the Indian joke from a few days ago. The one about wiring a head for a reservation. Well, in the old days in the Oregon Territory, there was a proud chief who got hit on the head by a rock about the same time that his son was born. Of course he had to name his son Falling Rock because it was the way of things. As time went by, as time does, Falling Rock grew and had to take his manhood test as all young braves did. The Chief sent Falling Rock out into the mountains and told him not to return without bringing back the great elk that dwelled in the vast Oregon mountains.

After many years went by the old chief passed into the beyond without ever being reunited with his son. However, the son was never forgotten and to this very day when travelling the mountain roads of Oregon you will see signs that tell you to “WATCH FOR FALLING ROCK.” 

It’s nice that the tribe is still trying to find Falling Rock.  But, you’d think, that after all these years, he’d have seen at least one of those signs.  You know what I think?  I think he doesn’t want to be found.

OR!  And I just thought of this!  You don’t think he is still out there looking for that great elk?!?!

Wow!  Great story Tom!  I’ll be thinking about it all day!!!

Thanks brother.

So help me, if I hear just one of you kids say, “Who’s the Beatles?” or “What’s the White Album?”

HERE!  What?  Oh, sorry.  I thought I heard someone ask for old curmudgeons.  Carry on.

I know there are several of you guys out there who think this is funny and are about to point it out to your wives…but be fucking careful mates. 

I just don’t have words.

Again…no words.

More science humor.

CHURCH NOTICE:

Since 500 people can safely be in Home Depot…
This week’s service will be held in plumbing.
Bring your Bible.

If anyone tries selling their hoarded supplies.
DO NOT BUY.
Leave them stuck with their greed.

Anyone wanna meet for lunch tomorrow?
We could order drive-thru and pull up next to each other like the cops do.

Suppose I should get out of bed before I’m late getting to the living room.

Just got a late message from Leah D. 

Leah D.

I am old and stubborn. There came a point where I decided to stop evolving, and that was a short while after Blu-ray came out. I still have a flip phone, with no keyboard, and have no intention of evolving to an i-phone.
HOWEVER, this morning I woke with my index finger hurting all the way to my wrist! I thought maybe I had slept weird . . . until I got a text message and began texting back.
I am still not interested in evolving, I am just making sure the rest of the world who wants to reach me, De-Volves . . . CALL ME, DON’T TEXT!

I love my iPhone, I love to text, just like I love email.  Because I hate talking on the phone.  All these things help me be cantankerous, introverted hermit with lots of opinions that I am.  I don’t want to talk on the damn phone.  If I’m gonna talk, it’s going to be over a beer and a cigar.

And that brings us to the conclusion of another issue.  I hope you had fun reading it.  I hope I was able to put a smile onto your face at least once.  May the rest of your day be just as pleasant. 

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Sunday…a day of rest.  A day to recharge and get yourself right.  Today is also Mother’s Day.  One day out of the year to celebrate the contributions of moms everywhere.  Yeah, like one day is enough for that!  Not hardly!  If it wasn’t for Mom’s, none of us would even be here.  Could the same be said for dads?  I don’t know.  I’d hate to get into THAT debate, but none of us would argue that moms are special.  Moms make the world go round, so for all of you Mothers out there…

May your day be filled with joy and laughter.  Momma Damian, Love you!

And I saw this and thought it was funny…

Now, on to some other things. 

Gonna get this out of the way before the media spins some shit. 

Drinking insect repellent will not save you from Murder Hornets.

Coronavirus was created by Spirit Halloween Stores so a bunch of businesses would go under and they could move into the vacant buildings this fall.

Coffee is vital for survival.  Dinosaurs didn’t have coffee, and look how that turned out.

So, I was flying a kite and this guy actually asks me, “So ya flying a kite?”

I replied, “Nope, fishing for birds.”

So, I just got home from running my errands…it was an exciting morning!  The first part was kinda dull.  Left early so I could run to the pharmacy and pick up some medicine.  Yeah, it sucks being old.  Then ran to the grocery where people were jacked-up-crazy!  Fuckers were NUTS!  Like it was the last day anything was going to be open and everything was on sale!  And this was my little grocery store in little ole northern Indiana!  Glad I only stopped in for a couple of things.  So, I had enough time before my eye appointment that I ran back home and dropped off the couple of things and then drove back along the river, listening to a podcast that I like and had this doe run RIGHT out in front of me!

Slammed on the brakes!  Locked them suckers up!  Skid marks and everything.  Missed her by that much.  Finished driving to the eye doctor and they had the nerve to tell me I looked a little flushed!  Ya think! 

The appointment was my long awaited final follow-up to my cataract surgery and I didn’t realize that they were going to dilate my pupils and I didn’t bring along any sunglasses.  I was also the last patient of the day and when I realized how bright the sun was and turned around to get one of those cheapy ones that they had inside the door was locked.  I had to drive to my next stop squinting out of one eye into the bright sun…it was exciting. 

My next stop was the Dairy Queen drive-thru where I picked up an ice cream cake for Mother’s Day tomorrow (today, for you guys) and damn near dropped it before I could get it settled in the seat beside me cause I couldn’t FRIGGIN’ SEE!  I kept thinking that damn deer was a premonition.  All this for a damn surprise cake!

But, I made it home, safe and sound, as you can see from me writing to you.  I’m pretty sure that’s the cake I bought.  At this point, I really don’t care, I spent about 5 minutes kissing the ground when I got home.  Got some grass in my mouth, but I don’t even care.

Anyway, let’s get back to the laughs.  I’ve got some letters and stuff to share with you guys today, so it should be a good issue.

My morning coffee makes me feel like I’ve got my shit together.

I don’t.

But it makes me feel like I do.

Really good advice follows… PAY ATTENTION:

Taking care of yourself is an essential part of taking care of others.
The healthier the tree, the better the fruit it can offer.

The fuck you say!

Okay, I can print this next one because it was sent to me by a woman, who is also a dear friend, so that absolves me of all responsibility…just sayin’…

Let’s take a moment to recognize all the women who went the extra mile today and put on a bra.

If you can’t look back at you’re your younger self and realize that you were an idiot, you are probably still an idiot.

Okay more really good, really IMPORTANT advice coming…

I don’t care if we are all wearing masks, you should still be putting on deodorant.

Come on, people… really?

Okay, YUCK!

Husband admiring his naked body in the mirror, says to his wife, “Look at that 14 stone of pure dynamite!”

Wife replies, “Fucking shame about the 2 inch fuse!”

If I was a superhero I’d be the Typoman.
”The Writer of Wrongs”

Okay, let’s do the mail….

Thank you for ALL  your efforts and laughs, really am enjoying the daily version. Was just reading your intro to the Saturday edition about R&R or R&R&R…when I was in VietNam we went on I&I..Intoxication and Intercourse.

Chris

 

Thanks Chris, Yup…missed Vietnam by about two years myself, but I have definitely been on some of those “tours”.  Glad you are enjoying the ezine.

 

This is from part of an email from Leah D.

 

I got a call from my friend who lives in a pricey assisted living apartment, in Orem, UT.  They were told “someone” has the virus so they are all in quarantine.  Before, they were quarantined to the building.  Now they must stay in their own apartments.

I get it Leah.  My dad lives in one of those in Florida.  They have to stay in their apartment and their meals are delivered to them.  It’s keeping them safe, but it’s driving them crazy.  But, it’s keeping them safe.  I’m just glad he’s not in some nursing home somewhere.

 

Next is Bill, trying to offend me.

 

Bill G

Sorry, but I have not been offended by anything in your newsletter so far. Perhaps this will help your quest to be more offensive:

Three pals are at a bar discussing their families. The Protestant announces that he has three daughters “one more and I’ll have a volleyball team. The Catholic claims to have five sons “one more and I’ll have a hockey team. The Muslim proudly announces “I have 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course”.

Keep up the good work. All the best.
Bill

Thanks Bill, glad you are enjoying the ezine and nope, you haven’t offended ME.  But, I don’t offend easily.  Cheers!

 

Next, from our buddy down in Deception Bay..

 

Aussie Pete

HEY…. DON’T FORGET THE DROP BEARS MATE !!!!

NO!  Na-Uh!  Pete, you made it sound like those were NATURALLY occurring beasties!  NOT something new!  Now, which is it?! 

nogardcimsoc

May you live as long as you love, and love as long as you live.

Thanks Donnie!  And the same to you and to all of our campers!

Leah D.

Don’t know if you are ready to handle more truth yet . . . But Japan asked the US to share our UFO information with them.
Since back in November, the US asked Japan to pay billions more for our troops being there, I’m thinking they are looking for a new ally?
When I was a teen, the Uintah Basin in Utah, was a hot spot for UFO’s. MY mother and sister had quite the UFO experience. I am an avid UFO enthusiast.
I don’t know how far reaching the Documentary about Skin Walker Ranch on TV is, but it is, of course, where I speak of as “out home.”
Then there is Bigfoot . . . .

Okay, aliens I can deal with.  I’ve been fiercely interested in UFOs myself for a VERY long time.  Ever since I was a little dragon.  I read portions of the original Project Blue Book, for a while I watched everything and read everything I could get my hands on, then I kind of dropped it, but Marvin and I stayed friends and I stayed mildly interested.  When the show on the History channel came out, I watched it and realized that I was familiar with every story that they told, although a few of them were told a little differently then I remembered.  So yeah, Leah…. I’m ready, lay it on me.  Oh… and Bigfoot…a member of his extended family is already a fellow camper here, Sasquatch, so yeah, no big deal.

And to wrap it up, I got another email from our buddy Dave at Accidental Fire.  You remember him…he’s got another one of his to share with us…Seems he’s having a festival:

I think we ought to join in!!! Feel free to drop by his website at https://accidentalfire.com/2020/05/09/announcing-2020-dumpster-fyre-festival/

and leave him a nice little comment

Fitness Instructor:  Have you ever done a marathon?

Me: You mean like on Netflix?

Netflix should change it’s message from “Are you still watching” to “You should shower and come back”

I might have a slight drinking problem…

My husband asked me to toast some bread for him.  I raised my wine glass and said, “Here’s to bread.”

Remember: Having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory alive.  I wish you all a great 2016.

Okay, you can’t make this stuff up.

And that’s it for today.  Remember to wish your mom a wonderful day and to have a bit of a great day yourselves.  Remember, you can reach me at impishdragon@gmail.com or by leaving a comment on the website.  But, most of all, remember to be good to one another, until we meet again and have another lovely day to spend together.  Until then, love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It’s the weekend!  Time to rest, relax, and recharge!  The three Rs!  You remember hearing about GIs going on R&R, well, nowadays we go on R&R&R!  Okay, so I’m stretching it a bit, but it’s true.  We all need time to chill and we all do it in different ways.  Whatever ways it is for you, make sure you make time to do it.  My day is not going to be that restful today, I have an eye doctor appointment, which brings to bear some unpleasant hoops to jump through, then I have to go to Dairy Queen to pick up an ice cream cake that Mrs. Dragon has requested for Mother’s Day (why she has requested an ice cream cake, I don’t know, but she has, for the first time ever, so she shall have one).  Then I have a few other chores and errands to run, so needless to say, Saturday is shot to hell.  Izzy Dragon has made a very special card for her mom, Izzy is a bit of a digital artist, you’ve seen some of her art work here before, here’s the cover of her card, based on an owl from an online game, or so I gather.

She is not happy with it, but I think it is great.

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Oh yeah, R&R&R.  Make sure you get some.  It’s important!  But, make sure you wish mom a happy day, too.

And now, let’s get some laughs started, shall we?

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.  Unless you are prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.

Mick says, “Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?”

Paddy says, “well me and Mary haven’t been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor.”

If you take all of the marshmallows out of a box of Lucky Charms, you’re left with a box of Purina Cat Chow.

At the store was an X on the floor by the register for me to stand.

I’ve seen too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that crap.

I’m so confused about people who don’t drink coffee.

What in the world do they do?

Get an appropriate amount of sleep?

Nerd.

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

“I wish to live forever,” I said.

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”

“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interests!”

“You crafty bastard,” replied the fairy.

Standing up for yourself doesn’t make you argumentative.  Sharing your feelings doesn’t make you oversensitive.  And saying no doesn’t make you uncaring or selfish.  If someone won’t respect your feelings, needs, and boundaries, the problem isn’t you; it’s them. ~ Lori Deschene

Every day, I say to myself, “Susan, you have to stop drinking wine.” Thankfully, I’m not Susan.

At least we don’t have to hunt for our food, I don’t even know where Tacos live.

I’m a little scared cause Biden said that “people are dying that never died before” … and I’ve never died before.

Make it stop!

Does anyone know how to lower the difficulty setting on my life?

Okay, my head just FUCKING exploded!  Let me explain….first, I saw this cartoon:

And I thought…nah… I remember reading something about some Navy pilots getting in a jam recently for talking about something, but UFOs is another thing that I’ve been interested in for a while, so I did a quick Google search, … Type in [Pentagon confirms UFOs] and bam got a hit…Here’s my top hits

So, I just spent the last hour reading through and watching the videos, and I was right, it was the same Navy videos with more information, but the biggest deal was that instead of calling the pilots crazy, which has always been the plan in the past, or saying that it was a weather balloon or some sort of weather or spatial phenomenon, the government has come right out and said that the videos are real, and the objects are unidentified aerial phenomenon or UAPs…what are now the new UFOs.  So yeah, the cartoon was right.  The Pentagon just confirmed the existence of UFOs and it never even made a blip on the news!  I had to look it up on Google to confirm it.

O H   M Y   F R I G G I N ‘   H O R S E    F E A T H E R S ! ! !

I need to go rest now.

Mind completely blown…

Why are we not talking about this on all the news channels?  On all the talk shows?  I know they waited until April to say anything and we’re in the midst of all this coronavirus stuff, but still!!!

Maybe the aliens have the cure!  Maybe the aliens are the cause!  Maybe I need another drink!
Maybe it’s time to change the subject!

Yes, we really do.  But, do you know how rare that is?  Or how uncommon?  Yes, common sense is very uncommon…or as a wiser man once said: “Common sense, isn’t.”

So…to eliminate the Murder Hornets, do we just run a giant Sting Operation?

So, I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
”Are you sure?”
”Yeah, I’m definite.”

You’re the only two people on the road and you hit each other…yup, that’s the definition of 2020.

No problemo dude, been there.

And that’s with commercial breaks!

Okay, wait…. Let me see if I’ve got the order right:

• Coronavirus
• Murder Hornets
• Sentient Apes
• Land Sharks
• Grizzly Gators
• Murder Death Kill Bunnies

Did I leave any out?  Seems like I’m missing something….
Well, we haven’t seen killer tomatoes, they’ve hinted at aliens, no one has said anything about killer clowns, although the movie It just had a sequel, so we can’t discount that…gosh, why do I feel like I’m leaving something out.  The mythological creatures are all on our side.  Oh yeah!  There was that one sighting of Godzilla….but I haven’t heard any more about him.  I’m not sure if he falls under mythological or not.  He was kinda a good guy and kinda a bad guy, so hard to say where he falls on the hero/villain spectrum.  We’ll just leave him as an unknown for now.  None of the rest of his genre have been heard from, Mothra and the rest.  Bill Gates is probably cooking up some Microsoft 20 where laptops come to life and start eating people or something.

Well, I have to warn my dogs about these new Murder Death Kill Bunnies for when they are on perimeter patrol.  It is their sworn duty to protect the premises from bunnies of all kinds although I’m not sure how they’d fare against these bunnies.

Anyway, I’ll brief the pups, you guys laugh some more

Not sure you’re getting that right.

 

So, it’s time to go to the mailbox and get the mail from the creepy hand.  Our first letter is from Dave…

Dave

Your comment about making fun of yourself, reminded me of years back. When she ask, “Who do you think you’re going to satisfy, with that little thing”? I replied, “ME”!

Yup, and he rolls over afterwards, looks at her quizzically and says, “What?  I got mine. You get yours.”  And the relationship didn’t last long after that.

Leah D

Aha! Now I know where to get the jar of common sense and unopened can of competence the Governor of Utah seriously needs. He opened the State Parks . . . we are surrounded by states like Nevada, Arizona, and California that have strong stay at home orders because their virus count is too high. So guess where they all went for some fun . . . .?

Leah…dear, dear Leah.  You know I love you.  But I am not, under any circumstances, giving you my jar of common sense, nor my unopened can of competence for a Governor who you and I both know will mix it in a friggin’ casserole and then burn the damn casserole!  Sorry, dear.

 

I’m about 5 pounds away from Google Maps listing me as a roundabout.

NO!  WAIT!  None of that was on the fucking list!!!

I ain’t startin’ over!

NOW WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?!  Come On!  This shit has got to stop!!

• Coronavirus
• Murder Hornets
• Sentient Apes
• Land Sharks
• Grizzly Gators
• Murder Death Kill Bunnies
• Sharknadoes
• Flamethrowing Turtles
• Aircraft Carrier Snails

DID I FORGET ANYBODY????  COME ON!  NOW’S YOUR CHANCE!! SPEAK UP!!!!

I need a freaking break!!!!

And that will do it for another episode of Dragon Laffs.
I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together.
May your day be filled with Love, Laughter, and Life.
Cheers!
Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Friday!  Already!  Well, for me, it’s Thursday and if the truth be told, it’s actually Wednesday night and I decided to get a little bitty jump on Friday’s issue … just to get the tent pegs set and the fire started, as it were.  I like to get a good base down before I really jump into things so that I don’t waste a lot of time, early in the morning when I’m not really all there and I’m still groping for the coffee cup setting the issue up and getting the header in and the issue lined up on the runway.  It’s a whole lot easier for me if I can just jump right in and get started.  And the way it normally works, it is so seamless, you guys don’t even know where I leave off Wednesday night and start up Thirsty merning…damn!!!  I have GOT to fine me som coffee!!!!!!

SEE!   SEEEEEMLy ness!  

Okay, where was we?

Right, Thursday morning!

Right….Right…  Okay…here we go…

My God, I need to start getting more sleep at night or something.  Mrs. Dragon and I have been binge watching Justified on Hulu.  We are down to the last two episodes which I’m sure we will finish tonight.  I’ve also been reading…a lot.  I’ve been keeping track…hang on, let me look.  I’ve read 18 books since the first of April.  That’s 18 books in 37 days or a book every other day, so long as I finish the one I’m currently reading by tomorrow.  Mrs. Dragon sent me this and says this is me…
Personally, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten higher praise.

But, that is one of the reasons I don’t get enough sleep at night.  I start in reading in bed and before I know it, a couple of hours have gone by and I’m well past my bed time.  It’s easy to disappear into a good novel and my tastes are VERY eclectic.  I read everything.  The only thing I haven’t really been able to get into are romance and western, but I have even dipped my talons into those upon occasion. 

I also don’t just stick to fiction, although I will confess that it is my main source of consumption.  But, I do find myself reading things that interest me in in all categories.  Anyway, enough about my hobbies and interests…what are you guys doing to keep yourselves busy?  I mean, other than reading and laughing with me here at Dragon Laffs?  And speaking of laughing, shouldn’t we get to some of that this morning?  But first, maybe we should get something out of the way…  I had this deeper in the issue, but moved it to the top where I thought it would be more appropriate.

Okay Stop!  It probably goes without saying at this point in time that I am very politically incorrect, socially incorrect, sexually and genderly (is that even a word?) incorrect and just all around, INCORRECT.  We pick on everyone around here and we are not serious in any of it, so please…don’t get your panties (or boxers) in a twist about it.  I have actually gotten a couple of emails lately that I haven’t shared hinting that I’ve gone a little too far with some of my jokes and cartoons.  If you are in that category, then I’m sorry.  If a little bit of nudity bothers you, then I’m sorry for that as well.  Trust me, the ones that bother me, don’t get put on here.  And yes, there are some that bother me.  I don’t want you to not complain if you feel like I’ve offended you in some way, but at the same time, you need to understand that this is not an offensive ezine.  We need to laugh at each other and in turn, be able to laugh at ourselves.  I’m a fat old man  and you see plenty of fat old man jokes in here.  Because I think they are funny.  If I was a left handed dwarf who liked ice cream porn, then you’d also see that because, come on, who doesn’t like ice cream porn!  I guess what I’m saying is…

Another issue to be addressed with home schooling

I can look directly at someone, nod when they’re talking, maybe even throw in a “yeah” or an “uh huh” and still not hear a single word they said…

I think I believe it’s her, more than I believe it’s Dr. Evil.

I’m like a drug.  Use as directed.  Misuse will get you into trouble.  Can be addictive.  Use care when mixing with alcohol.

The other day I heard someone say, “Murder Hornets, Fuck Me, what could possibly be next!” and I thought to myself, you don’t EVER say that!  That’s like a cop or a dispatcher or a hospital worker saying, “It sure is a Quiet shift.”  Don’t ever use the Q word!  As a matter of fact, they did a whole episode of that on The Rookie the other night.  So, then I saw this…

…And I know just who to blame for this shit!!!

So, this next one is an oldie, but it made me crack up, so it’s still funny and therefore made it into today’s issue.

As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

As I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to cry. They cried, I cried, we all cried together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost….

As we end week 5 of the lock down, I’ve been thinking of Osama bin Laden.  He was stuck in his house with three wives for five years.  I’m beginning to wonder if he didn’t call those Navy Seals himself.

An Indian wants his son to have it better than him, so he sends the son away to trade school. The kid comes back after finishing electrician’s training.

The father takes him to the chief and is bragging about how smart his son is. The chief says to the kid “Look, every time I gotta go at night in my outhouse, I can’t read because it’s too dark unless the moon is out. Is there any chance you could put electricity and lights in the outhouse?”

The young Indian replies, “sure thing, Chief,” and he does as asked.

Thus, he became the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation!

And under the category of …

NO FUCKING WAY: A single parking space at The Center, a prestigious office building in Hong Kong, sold for almost $1 million!

 

Every once in a while someone amazing comes into your life.

…And here I am.

You’re welcome.

Somebody was asking for me?

Okay, so I’m just a sick enough puppy …. or dragon…that I found this extraordinarily funny.

Now wait!  Let’s think about this!  What if we could use this power to restore balance to the world?  What if, right here, we had the cure to the Coronavirus?  The means to halt the influx of the Murder Hornets?  And the ability to stop the Land Sharks from ever starting?  What if we could defeat the democratic party?  What if a Gang of Ass is all we ever really needed?  We need to conduct experiments!!  First, we need volunteers!  Ladies, our future depends on you!!  Send pictures to impishdragon@gmail.com and I will start the vetting process…

There’s my baby!  And I’ve had you apart on my work bench in to each individual part, many, many times, haven’t I?  ….. no…. the picture above…above…

Maybe the hoarding of toilet paper is a fact of nature that I just don’t get

Yup, let’s do some of this.

Joe

From today’s column. (Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.Wife: I am coming with the broom.
Husband: It ain’t urgent. You can come on foot) Funny variation: A man comes staggering home at 2am all drunk & hung-over. His wife is standing on the porch with a broom. He says ‘Wow, are you still cleaning or going for a ride?

Many good broom jokes.  I remember the first black eye…or maybe the second …. I received from my ex when we were arguing and I held out a broom to her and said, “Oh, it’s time for you to go, see, your ride is here.”  I was laughing so hard at my own wit, I didn’t keep my hands up and got popped for my own just desserts.  There is another really good cartoon of a guy standing on the front porch eyeing a broom leaning against the railing as he says to his wife, “When did your mother get here?”  I like that one, cause it’s subtle.  Thanks for sharing Joe

This next one is from Leah D and she’s got a complaint!

Leah D

I just found out I can give you 4 excellent star votes! My friends and associates thank you for the laughs they will get out of what I stole from you.
I, however, do not appreciate your total lack of compassion! I broke a rib this morning, and here you MAKE ME LAUGH OVER AND OVER!

Well Leah, thank you very much for the nice words, the excellent reviews and that you are sharing this with your friends.  As to your complaint, I do have compassion…I’m sure I have it here somewhere…oh yeah, I have an envelope of compassion right up on there on the shelf between the jar of common sense I stole from the Scarecrow and unopened can of competence I keep meaning to send to the democratic leadership.  In other words, I’m an evil bastard that will continue to make you laugh long past your broken ribs until you crumble to the ground in a small heap that can do nothing more than shake and giggle!

**Evil laughter echoes through the campground**

(Okay, that suddenly took a really dark turn—you guys look at a couple more cartoons, I need to go self medicate.)

Okay, it’s a couple of days late, but it’s still funny

So, we’ve taken another turn…

I’m not helping, you ought to be able to figure this one out on your own.  There’s enough clues there, after all.

And with the idea of eating Moe fresh in your heads, with that, we’ll call it a day.  I hope you had as much fun with today as I did.  I can’t wait for tomorrow’s issue.  Let’s all have fun for the rest of the day and be good to one another.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon!