Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

So many, many, many of you sent such wonderful Anniversary wishes I had to take a special moment to say thank you!  Thank you so very much.  Man, to feel the love from you guys was overwhelming!  Many of you have also expressed a desire … and have said that it is about that time of the year for donations to come around and that you would like to add a little bit extra for the Oven/Fridge fund which is kinda sorta true.  Donations usually start up in August and this is July so I guess that is kinda close and I suppose if you guys wanted to throw a little extra in to help with expenses it would go a long way to helping out.  The donation button though hasn’t moved and it still works.  It’s on the upper right hand corner of the page and all you have to do is click it and contribute what you like.  It goes through PayPal and they take their little percentage.  I have to pay the bills around here in September so whatever comes in above and beyond what it costs to keep this thing going will be deeply appreciated.

If you don’t wish to use PayPal and wish to send me something through snail mail, then send me an email at impishdragon@gmail.com and I can send you my regular old snail mail address.  For obvious reasons I can’t/won’t print it here.

But again, thank you so much for all the wonderful and loving Anniversary wishes.  I will share some of them with you throughout this issue…and for now, let’s share some laughter and some love.

Wife: I am not talking to you.

Husband:  Ok

Wife:  Don’t you want to know the reason?

Husband:  No, I respect and trust your decision.

Today was a bad day.

First, my ex got hit by a bus …

Then, I lost my job as a bus driver.

[throwing pebbles at my therapist’s window at 3 am] WHAT DID YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAID I LACK BOUNDARIES?

I just saw a Bail Bondsman commercial that said “We’ll have you out before the soap hits the shower floor.”

When I was a kid, my friend and I stole pets from around the neighborhood and returned them when the owners put up rewards.

And today you work for the mob?

It helps if you imagine auto correct as a tiny little elf in your phone who’s trying so hard to be helpful but is in fact quite drunk.

Coronacoaster:

 

Noun:  The ups and downs of pandemic.  One day you’re loving your bubble, doing workouts, baking banana bread

and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin from the bottle for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like!

I may not have lost all my marbles just yet.  But there is definitely a small in the bag somewhere.

Fuck nudes.  Send me a picture of your medicine cabinet.  I need to know what kind of psycho I’m dealing with.

I’d like to offer moral support but I have questionable morals.

My lesbian neighbors asked me to help them conceive a child recently.  They said, they don’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned” way as they are pretty easy going.  For 3 months now, we have been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.

My curfew was lightning bugs and street lights coming on.  My parents didn’t call my cell phone, they yelled my name.  I played outside, not online.  If I didn’t eat what mom cooked, I didn’t eat.

My Parents SPANKED Me As A Child

As a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition known as “Respect For Others”

 

Okay, let’s do some of these

Dale

Happy 25th Anniversary!!!

Maggie

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to Impish and Mrs Dragon
I hope you both have a MARVELOUS DAY!!!!!
Maggie

Joe

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!

Leah D.

I wanted to send you a gift of silver to celebrate a quarter year of marriage . . .
Silver is the material linked with the 25th year of marriage because it is a precious, durable metal, representing the precious and long lasting nature of the couple’s relationship. It is also beautiful, just like an enduring relationship. Silver is also said to represent harmony – something that a couple which have been married for so long but have cultivated!
But quarters aren’t made of silver anymore.

I thought of flowers . . .
25th Anniversary: Iris
Believed to embody the spirit, love, and aura of Paris, the iris wonderfully honors your quarter of a century together. Standing tall and vibrant, the iris represents the strength and futility of your relationship.
But my Iris have already gone through the bloom stage.

So guess I ‘ll just have to wish:
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY YOU TWO!

Sasquatch

Congratulations on finding such an understanding woman. 25 years? Wow. Anywho, I was looking around the woods for an appropriate gift when it struck me that it’s almost donation time of year. 25th anniversary is supposed to be silver but stainless steel will have to do. If you put the information out, I’d like to contribute to another year/ new appliances.  Thanks Sasquatch … like I said at the beginning, the donation button is at the top right section of the blog.  It says, “Donate to keep us free”.  You should be able to find it.

Larry S

Happy Anniversary.! Keep it up. Your almost half way to our 52nd.  Wow!  52 years!  Now that’s something to be proud of!  Congratulations.   Did you guys get married in kindergarten?

Stephanie

So sad that you were not able to make it to Ireland. That is our dream trip. Planning, loosely, on a family trip in about 3 years. We have to go to castle Caldwell in northern Ireland. It’s about 3 km from Belek where the clay for fine porcelain comes from. I’d love to go back a few years and visit in days gone by. Tis a marvelous dream.
Happy Anniversary. Don’t overheat the cave tonight.  We will get there.  No worries.  And as far as overheating goes… that’s what central air is for. [wink!]

boopluver

Happy anniversary

Pat C

Congrats may you have many more healthy and happy ones.

Thank you all for your wonderful wishes.  You have no idea how much it means.  Truly. 

But, I do have to tell a story on myself.  Mrs. Dragon posted something on her Facebook page about it being our anniversary and I responded and said how happy I was and that “You are my best friend.”  Well, at least that’s what I thought I said.  What actually came out was that “You ate my best friend.”  Needless to say that got a lot of laughs from her friends…none of which know of her secret life of being married to a dragon.  So, it was even more of a funny private joke between us.

Great fun!

According to Aussie Peter … this is the next Uniquely Australian Problem …

I don’t know how true it is, but regardless, all I can say is …

Better them than us!

Okay, this next one says “Author Unknown” but I’m going to bet that it could have been written by an awful lot of us and it expresses a lot of our feelings and opinions:

I never cared if you were “gay” or whatever acronym you chose to call yourself, until you started shoving it down my throat.

I never cared what color you were, if you were a good human, until you started blaming me for your problems.

I never cared about your political affiliation until you started to condemn me for mine.

I never cared where you were from in this great Republic until you began condemning people based on where they were born and the history that makes them who they are.

I have never cared if you were well off or poor because I’ve been both.  Until you started calling me names for working hard and bettering myself.

I’ve never cared if your beliefs are different than mine.  Until you said my beliefs are wrong.

Now.  I care.  I’ve given all the tolerance I have to give.  This is no longer my problem.  It’s your problem.  You can still fix it.  It’s not too late.  But it will be.  Soon.

I’m a very patient person at times.  But I’m about out of patience.  There are literally Millions of people just like me.

We have had enough.

Well said, Author Unknown, well said. 

Random Lady at Store:  “You’re supposed to be wearing a mask.”

Me:  “I’m supposed to be wearing underwear too, yet here we are.”

Speaking of wearing masks, as of yesterday evening, it was announced that Walmart nationwide, Sam’s Club, and now Kroger (not sure if all of you guys have Kroger) will all require the wearing of masks to enter their stores.  (Good Luck with getting Walmart people wearing masks, you can’t even get them all to wear pants!) Whether the county or state requires it or not, the stores can still require it because the stores are private property.  The only alternative you have is to not patronize their stores.

My wife said she wants to … you know … experiment more in the bedroom … but it looks like I’m in the control group.

On Sunday I stuck my hand into a feather pillow and had a rummage around.  I did the same on Monday and Tuesday.

This morning I went to psychotherapist and told him I’ve been feeling down for a few days.

I know several jokes in sign language.  I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

We shut the flame off and blow.  How do you blow out candles?

I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

And that’s for today, dear friends.  Remember, you can reach me at impishdragon@gmail.com or by leaving a comment on the blog.  You know I love to hear from you.  Until tomorrow…or the next time I can get one of these put together.  LOL!

Good Morning,

Today is our 25th Wedding Anniversary.  I’ve been married to my best friend for one-quarter of a century.  Isn’t that the coolest thing ever!  I love you my Mary~Mae and I want everyone to know it.

Remember the panic when you couldn’t find toilet paper?

Wait until you can’t find a Police Officer …

I said to myself, “Self.” (and I knew it was me, cause I recognized my voice, and I was wearing my underwear) “Today is going to be a good day!”

Paranoia has reached absurd stages …

I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own.

If we all start wearing masks that say, “Trump 2020,” how long before experts say we no longer need to wear them?

The deadliest virus in the United States is the Media.

Are we the only country dumb enough to start another Civil War because we are offended by the first one?

Our country will be a better place, when everyone realizes there are only two kinds of people in it.  Good people and bad people.

Ethnicity doesn’t matter.

I don’t want to adult today.  I don’t even want to human today.  Today, I want to Goat.  Gonna eat all day and head-butt anyone who tries to stop me.

Funny how the same people who say that George Floyd’s past shouldn’t be held against him, are the very same ones holding this country’s past against people who weren’t even there.

It’s called the NATIONAL Anthem, not the RACE anthem.  It has nothing to do with color.  It’s about being an AMERICAN.

Just because you toppled a statue doesn’t mean you changed history.  It just shows how ignorant you are.

In 1996, when Bill Clinton visited Mt. Rushmore during his re-election campaign, ABC news called it a place where American ingenuity and American creativity came together and formed an amazing American accomplishment..

In 2008, when Barack Obama campaigned there, CNN called Mt Rushmore a majestic site and every president should visit..

In 2016, Bernie Sanders campaigned there and said he was humbled to be in the presence of 4 of the greatest American presidents.. CNN described the scene as awe-inspiring…

2020…Trump visits…CNN called it a celebration of white supremacy and Trump will stand before two former slave owners on land wrestled away from Native Americans…

If you think the media isn’t agenda-driven, you have your head in the sand…”

Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously.  I’m just an idiot with internet access.

Got an email from Donnie G…

One of the first things I learned in Boy Scouts’ First Aid training was “All Bleeding Stops Eventually.”
I just did a slug of coffee while praying that your stress level drops back down to “OMG What Next?”.  P’rhaps I’ll have a shot of Maple Whiskey later, too.

Well Donnie, it has been almost 72 hours without something new popping up.  And for the last two weeks, that’s a record, so maybe I’m past the crappy stuff for now.  I’ve taken this week off work.  Our 25th wedding anniversary has gone from going to Ireland (that one got dashed with COVID-19 and we really couldn’t afford it this year), going to go somewhere special for a week, all the way down to buying an oven and a fridge. 

Sigh.

Mrs. Dragon told me yesterday … Live, Laugh, Laugh, Laugh, Laugh, Laugh, Love.  And she has the right recipe.  If you can’t keep laughing at what’s going on, then it gets really old and really hard really quick.

That moment when you have something really important to say, but you’re waiting for the person who is talking to stop talking, but when they do, you forget what you were going to say.

A Man Can Get Bored In Alaska This Time Of the Year

With the Covid-19 outbreak holding bozo activity down a bit, Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow comes to the rescue with the story of a bozo that had apparently had enough of social distancing. Our bozo took a two by four and broke a window at the King Salmon, Alaska, fire department. Now, King Salmon is a small town and there was no one at the station at the time, so our bozo rummaged around until he found the keys to the fire truck. He didn’t even bother to open the station’s closed bay doors before he drove through. He then switched on the trucks emergency lights and headed west toward Naknek, about 15 miles away. And what was his destination? The Fisherman’s Bar. He was arrested shortly after arrival. He’s under arrest on charges of burglary, vehicle theft, criminal mischief and violating conditions of release on a previous arrest.

You wanna see some social distancing?!

Lend them some money.

That’s going to have to do for today my dear friends.  I hope you all have a wonderful day.  Love and laughter to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Or … at least I hope it’s a good morning somewhere out there!  Okay.  Let’s talk about it I guess.  The lightning strike that just keeps on giving. 

What a screwed up week.

Okay, picking up where I left off on Friday.  I taught some tough classes on Thursday and Friday so I was very sore, slept poorly Friday night.  Mrs. Dragon, with her medical issues is just a likely to be up in the middle of the night as she is to be asleep so it just so happens that we were both up and in the living room at about 4 am Saturday morning.  I was trying to doze … get another hour or so’s sleep in the easy chair before I had to get ready for work.  Mrs. Dragon was quietly watching one of her murdery shows. 

So, at about 4:30 there’s a knock at the door!  That’s 4:30 in the morning!  I looked at Mrs. Dragon, she looked at me, the dogs didn’t even bark they were so surprised, they just looked at us like, “are you expecting someone at this ridiculous hour of the morning?”

Like any self-respecting and honorable dragon, I grabbed my gun and looked out the front door window. 

There are two police officers standing there.

Like any self-preserving and healthy dragon, I put the gun down on the couch before answering the door.

Impish Dragon: Hi guys, what’s up?

Police Officer A: Is there a woman here? (Police Officer B is on the phone)

Impish Dragon: My wife … (indicates woman sitting on the couch) Our daughter … who’s upstairs asleep.

Police Officer A:  We need to speak with your daughter, she’s on the phone with us on 911.

Impish Dragon: (!?)

Mrs. Dragon: (!?) (Mrs. Dragon goes upstairs to get Izzy Dragon) (Mrs. Dragon wakes Izzy dragon from a sound sleep.  A SOUND sleep.  Brings her downstairs to show the police officers)

Police Officer A: (Glances at gun laying on couch)

Impish Dragon:  I brought it with me to the door when I heard the knock.  You know … 4:30 in the morning …

Police Officer A:  Good choice.

At this point both Police Officers see that it’s not Izzy they have on the phone and Police Officer B has his first speaking part.

Police Officer B: She’s across the street

Police Officer A: I’m sorry folks, the woman on the phone gave us the wrong address.  She’s actually across the street.

Impish Dragon:  I understand completely.  The ones across the street are “frequent flyers” as you well know. (As the Officers are walking out the door)  Be safe.

And that put the perfect start to a crappy day.

So, I go to work, teach class.  As soon as I get done with the first class, Mrs. Dragon calls me to tell me that she thinks the freezer on the fridge was affected by the lightning strike the other day because everything is cold … just not cold enough.  And long story even longer, when I get home…yup.  It’s fried too. 

So, oven and freezer so now Anniversary money and savings shot to hell.  But at least it won’t be as long getting the new fridge … it will only be three weeks instead of five.

Aussie Peter can probably hear me screaming from all the way down there.

Awww fuck me, we need to laugh!!!!!

Bozo criminals for today come from Corvallis, Oregon where two bozo drug dealers checked into a Motel 6. When they checked out, they left behind their stash of drugs, their pagers and a client list. When a maid found their stuff, management called police. Meanwhile, the bozos discovered they had left a little something behind and called to ask about recovering it. When the bozos arrived and identified the goods, they were arrested by police.

Yup, bright boys!

I’ve seen that owl.

For years, my nephew refused to wear socks because they were puppet bodies.

And the surprising part is that I actually followed that conversation.

“I overheard my 5-year-old arguing with my 7-year-old over how babies were made.  My 5-year-old then said, ‘YouTube is a liar! God gives you babies.  It’s not a bunch of worms eating a bouncy ball!’”

I asked my five year-old sister what she wanted for her birthday and she responded, “Two bottles of milk and a dead owl!”

My kids were begging for a pet.  I told them if thy could keep their rooms clean for six months, they could get one.  My youngest proceeded to clean his room, move clothes and a sleeping bog into the hallway, then lock his door so his room couldn’t get dirty as he slept in the hallway.

My class was working on a craft project involving sandwich bags, and one of my kids loudly announced that they have those at home, too.  His mom “puts her weed in there!”

Apart from being exhausted, financially unstable, nearing a mental breakdown, and being fat, everything is great. Thanks.

I could lay next to you forever.

Or until we decide to go eat.

Have you ever had one of those days when you’re holding a stick … and everyone looks like a piñata?

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too… especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire the most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now…

Here’s a simple and easy everyday COVID check:

At 7 p.m. open the Jameson Fine Irish Whiskey bottle and smell it.  If you can smell, you are not affected with COVID-19.

Then, pour a medicinal amount (6 to 8 oz. is the recommended dosage) in a glass and taste the Jameson Fine Irish Whiskey.   If you can feel and tasted the fine Irish Whiskey, you are definitely not affected with COVID-19.

You’re Welcome ~ Dr. Jameson

If you want my opinion, I think people should keep their opinions to themselves.

This is perfect … and one of the best written letters on the subject I have read:

The Washington Foreskins
I think all sports fans and most everybody else will get a kick out of
this letter written to the Chicago Tribune. No matter which side you are
on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this is funny. This
guy is hilarious…
This is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an
article he published concerning a name change for the Washington
Redskins.
Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly
jilted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins.  One might
argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans
would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay.  We must be careful not
to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and
courtesy, we must move forward.
Let’s ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland
Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name
Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland
Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of
militant Blacks from the 60’s alive. Gone. It’s offensive to us white
folk.  The New York Yankees offend the Southern population.  Do you see
a team named for the Confederacy?  No!  There is no room for any
reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men’s
lives.  I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic
religion among our sports team names.  Totally inappropriate to have the
New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and
pillaged.  We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the
Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to
our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or
even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.  The New York
Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood
epidemic. Wrong message to our children.  The Cincinnati Reds promote
downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.  The Milwaukee
Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go.  We need to support any legislation that comes out to
rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become
involved with this issue, as they should.  Just the kind of thing the
do-nothing Congress loves.
As die-hard Oregon State fans, my wife and I, with all of this in mind,
suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon
State women’s athletic teams to something other than “the Beavers
(especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the
Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???)
I always love your articles and I generally agree with them.  As for the
Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins” to
better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in
Washington DC.

I don’t have a Facebook or Twitter account, so I just go around announcing out loud what I’m doing at random times.

I’ve got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.

6:30 is the best time on a clock.

Hands down.

Splenda Daddy:  A man who strives to be a Sugar Daddy but just doesn’t have the funds to pull it off.

And that’s it for today.  I’ll fill you in with (hopefully) more good news tomorrow.  Cheers my dear friends.  Impish

Good Morning Campers,

Not sure what day you are reading this.  Because I’m just now starting it and not at all sure when it will be finished.  I believe I told you at the end of the last issue that got published on Tuesday that it was going to be rough week, and I was working all weekend, so I’m going to work on this as often as I can and when I get enough for an issue … well … I’ll publish it the next day.  That sounds like a plan to me, so I hope it sounds like a plan to me.

Okay, we might as well jump right in with a couple of emails…both from Joe L. from NJ.  Gotta always make some room for the brothers from Jersey.

Good morning Impish,

Once again you got me through my early morning depression. It won’t kick in again until my 9:40am tee time with my golf league.

…Joe in NJ

Glad I could help Joe… anything for a brother.

Impish,

About the recent medical model of the ‘open’ arm…

I had a lot of emergency medical training during my Navy and Air Force service.

I remember one critical statement:

“If you took all the veins, arteries and capillaries from a man’s body and laid them in a straight line…..

That man would die.”

…Joe in NJ

Really good point Joe.  Not to be ignored.

And us patients frown on doctors who make us waste our time.  You guys forget … we pay you, therefore you work for US!

A MAN HIT ME ONCE … I WAS THE LAST BABY HE EVER DELIVERED.

Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with.

They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t even listening.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Vodka costs less

Than dinner for two

Okay … so it’s all the way around to Friday now … and it’s been an interesting week.  And I’m using the word “interesting” like you would use the word “nice” when describing a blind date to someone else. 

Anyway, Wednesday, while I was at the doctor with Izzy dragon (not getting great news, but maybe more about that later) I get a text message from Mrs. Dragon that there was a lightning strike right out front of the house … and I mean RIGHT outside the house!  Izzy and I drove home through thunder, lightning, blinding rain, hail, sideways rain … now I’ve seen the movie “Twister” many times, probably my favorite movie of all time, I kept looking for cows to fly by, it was that bad.  I couldn’t see 30 feet in front of the Dragon mobile, but I was deeply worried about our 120 year-old home and wanted to get home ASAP.

Got home and found out that Mrs. Dragon felt strange … I thought it was fright from being scared, but now I realize it may have been because she was close to an EMP strike. I say that because it knocked out our modem, several of the LED light bulbs in the house, but none of the regular light bulbs, and the electronic board for our oven.  We had to have the internet provider come out to check the wires and he eventually agreed that it was just the modem that was bad, R2 (Removed and Replaced) the modem, and we were good there.  I replace the light bulbs, but the oven is a lost cause.  The oven is a 15 year-old Amana (that we love) and they don’t make the part anymore.  The appliance guy said he might be able to find the part on line for – he’s guessing $250 to $350.  But putting that much money into a 15 year old oven … you get the idea.

Well, we had saved a little money, because next week is our 25th wedding anniversary and I should have fucking known better because it seems that just about every year for our anniversary we don’t end up DOING anything, we end up FIXING or REPLACING something.  For our 20th … for instance, we moved from a rental property and bought a house.  Last year, our lawnmower died and we had to buy a new one … little things like that.

Anyway, new oven for our 25th wedding anniversary.  I guess … at least we had the money.  But guess what?  They don’t have ANY ovens in stock because of the COVID-19 most all of the manufacturing has been slowed WAY down and our oven won’t be delivered until the middle of August.  So, the stove still works, and the microwave, the Instapot, and of course … the GRILL!  I guess we can go five weeks or so with no oven.

And this weekend is chock full of classes and graduation parties for Izzy and … well … it’s CRAZY and my stress level is over the top, so hey … you guys … do me a favor … all of you sit down, pour a stiff shot of your favorite adult beverage, shoot it back for me and give me a mental nudge to help me keep going until the sea settles.  OH!  And then do a second one on the 15th and wish us a happy 25th wedding anniversary just in case I don’t get another issue out by then.  LOL!

So, now you know why you haven’t heard from me for the last couple of days, so let’s get back to the fun stuff, shall we!

I was getting in bed, she said, “You’re drunk.”

I said, “How do you know?”

She said, “You live next door.”

A boy goes to a strip club.  His mom gets angry and asks him, “Did you see anything there that you shouldn’t have seen?”

The boy replies, “Just Dad.”

Leaving the house in 2019:  Keys, Phone, Purse, Water

Leaving the house in 2020:  Keys, Phone, Purse, Water, Face Mask, Hand Sanitizer, Latex Gloves, Holy Water, Wooden Stake, Full Medieval Body Armor, Light Saber, Silver Bullets, Garlic

Some of you bitches should stop worrying about leaving your children a better planet and try leaving the planet better children.

Hey Aussie Peter … has this one got any truth to it?

Home School Day 42:

My child asked why I was talking to myself.  I told her it was a Parent/Teacher Conference.

I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise it’s funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.

A wise man said to his son, “My boy!  When you accumulate the understanding to know why a pizza is made round, to be put in a square box, and is eaten in triangles, then my son, you will be able to understand women.”

The amount of jokes about coronavirus has reached worrying numbers.  Scientists claim we are in the middle of a pundemic.

Here’s a comment from Leah D.  It makes sense …

Leah D.

Since a large part of the demonstrators/rioters are college students, or college age, I believe some of the money they are taking from the police should go to high school and college classes How To Make A Difference by Speaking in an Informative Manner, without using the word F___

I like your idea Leah.

Gardening season is off to a great start:  I planted myself in front of a TV four weeks ago, and I’ve already grown noticeably.

When this lockdown is over, if you had to choose between going on a bender with your mates or taking your Mrs. out for a romantic meal?

Which pub would you meet your mates in?

8:00 AM:  Too tired to think

Noon:  Too tired to think

5:00 PM:  Too tired to think

Midnight:  How do dragons blow out candles??

34 people in Chicago died last weekend from COVID-19 gunshot wounds.

They will be voting by mail.

Do you ever go out, and while you’re out, you think, “This is exactly why I don’t go out?”

Being labeled a racist today is much like being labeled a witch in the middle ages.  No evidence is required.  It’s simply a weapon used to defeat people you don’t like.  And the mobs of ignorant rioters never question it.  As much as things change, things stay the same.

2020 is gonna be a synonym for “crazy” for the rest of time:

“Yo, my man.  Over there is a little ,,, you know ,,, 2020,”

“I gained control of the car for a moment, your honor, and then things went 2020.”

If you’re ever lost in the woods just look for the North Star.

It’s twinkling will comfort you as you die.

Why does Facebook even give me the option to “Like” my own status?  Of course I like my status.  I’m fucking hilarious.

And Sexy.

I meant to behave … but there were too many other options.

You know that little voice in your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t?

I should probably get one of those …

And that’s it for this issue of the best damn ezine on the interwebz.  May your day and weekend be wonderful.  My love to you all.

Cheers!

Good Morning Campers,

Not sure when this one is going to publish, but we’re going to have fun just the same.  Just remember our main mantra … no, not the one about battling the world’s bullshit with laughter, the other one.  I built this new graphic while I’ve been sitting here watching TV and thought it turned out pretty good …

So, I thought this was a good place to unveil it and share it with you guys.  I hope you like it. 

Anyway, let’s move on to the laughter part and I’ll add my two-cents in as I see fit … you know, like I normally do…LOL!

 

That’s been a real problem for me, so maybe I should buy this shirt, too.

Imagine this … We’re both strangers in a grocery store but we will somehow make eye contact in the produce section.  My hands are full of limes and I’m unable to hold all of them.  Limes are falling all over the ground.  Rolling left, right, and just all over.  You rush over in an effort to help and I look deeply in your eyes and say, “Sorry, I’m bad at pickup limes.”

I remember most of them…that’s the sad part.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

“I have good and bad news,” the doctor said to his patient. “Give me the good news first,” the patient said. “Your test results are back,” the doctor said, “and you have only two days to live.” “That’s the good news?” the patient exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?” “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

“Knock Knock!” “Who’s there?” “It’s Dave!” “Dave who?” Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother’s Alzheimer’s has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’ one of my good friends would still be alive.

Let’s do some of these now, shall we …

Leah D.

Ted Nugent wrote the take a knee article.

For an absolutely GREAT presentation, watch this video
Old Glory (LIVE) By Vann Morris. http://www.evangelomorris.com
https://youtu.be/FC7rQIdOyVY

My husband was so upset that only a handful of neighbors flew flags on the 4th, then the news shows rioters burning the flag, he built a flag pole, said our flag will be up until it rots and we have to replace it.

Wow, what an awesome video, Leah!  Thank you for sharing.  And I am 100% with your husband and his flag!

Stephanie

Lynn, That was an awesome piece. Is there a way you can pass on a link so that I can share? I agree that many things need to change, but the changes should move forward to represent all and bring honor to the flag. In my possession is the flag of a hero. I don’t want to dishonor it.

I found this dear friend, with Leah’s hint … It came from Ted Nugent’s post after his visit with the troops and it’s dated September 24, 2017 … here’s the link: https://www.facebook.com/tednugent/posts/10155098638657297

I hope that helps.

Have you heard the joke about the woman with 12 nipples?

Sounds funny, dozen tit?

Sure, I’ll go on a run with you.

But, only if it’s to the liquor store.

And only if we drive there.

And even more so if announced by Morgan Freeman.

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, “Do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life then?”

He replied, “I doubt it somehow.  Mercury is in Uranus right now.”

I said, “I don’t go in for any of that astrology nonsense.”

H replied, “Neither do I.  My thermometer just broke.”

City folks worried about disbanding Police.
Country folks have good Police, good friends, good aim and backhoes. Just say’n

And let’s put this one to bed folks.  Darts is tonight, so no ezine tomorrow, I’m sure.  Class all week and working this weekend, I’ll try my best to put out what I can this week … love you all and health and happiness to you all.

Cheers~Impish Dragon