Dragon Laffs #1775


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Good Morning Campers,

Or … at least I hope it’s a good morning somewhere out there!  Okay.  Let’s talk about it I guess.  The lightning strike that just keeps on giving. 

What a screwed up week.

0aa1Okay, picking up where I left off on Friday.  I taught some tough classes on Thursday and Friday so I was very sore, slept poorly Friday night.  Mrs. Dragon, with her medical issues is just a likely to be up in the middle of the night as she is to be asleep so it just so happens that we were both up and in the living room at about 4 am Saturday morning.  I was trying to doze … get another hour or so’s sleep in the easy chair before I had to get ready for work.  Mrs. Dragon was quietly watching one of her murdery shows. 

So, at about 4:30 there’s a knock at the door!  That’s 4:30 in the morning!  I looked at Mrs. Dragon, she looked at me, the dogs didn’t even bark they were so surprised, they just looked at us like, “are you expecting someone at this ridiculous hour of the morning?”

Like any self-respecting and honorable dragon, I grabbed my gun and looked out the front door window. 

There are two police officers standing there.

Like any self-preserving and healthy dragon, I put the gun down on the couch before answering the door.

Impish Dragon: Hi guys, what’s up?

Police Officer A: Is there a woman here? (Police Officer B is on the phone)

Impish Dragon: My wife … (indicates woman sitting on the couch) Our daughter … who’s upstairs asleep.

Police Officer A:  We need to speak with your daughter, she’s on the phone with us on 911.

Impish Dragon: (!?)

Mrs. Dragon: (!?) (Mrs. Dragon goes upstairs to get Izzy Dragon) (Mrs. Dragon wakes Izzy dragon from a sound sleep.  A SOUND sleep.  Brings her downstairs to show the police officers)

Police Officer A: (Glances at gun laying on couch)

Impish Dragon:  I brought it with me to the door when I heard the knock.  You know … 4:30 in the morning …

Police Officer A:  Good choice.

At this point both Police Officers see that it’s not Izzy they have on the phone and Police Officer B has his first speaking part.

Police Officer B: She’s across the street

Police Officer A: I’m sorry folks, the woman on the phone gave us the wrong address.  She’s actually across the street.

Impish Dragon:  I understand completely.  The ones across the street are “frequent flyers” as you well know. (As the Officers are walking out the door)  Be safe.

And that put the perfect start to a crappy day.

So, I go to work, teach class.  As soon as I get done with the first class, Mrs. Dragon calls me to tell me that she thinks the freezer on the fridge was affected by the lightning strike the other day because everything is cold … just not cold enough.  And long story even longer, when I get home…yup.  It’s fried too. 

So, oven and freezer so now Anniversary money and savings shot to hell.  But at least it won’t be as long getting the new fridge … it will only be three weeks instead of five.

Aussie Peter can probably hear me screaming from all the way down there.

Awww fuck me, we need to laugh!!!!!

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Bozo criminals for today come from Corvallis, Oregon where two bozo drug dealers checked into a Motel 6. When they checked out, they left behind their stash of drugs, their pagers and a client list. When a maid found their stuff, management called police. Meanwhile, the bozos discovered they had left a little something behind and called to ask about recovering it. When the bozos arrived and identified the goods, they were arrested by police.

Yup, bright boys!

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I’ve seen that owl.

For years, my nephew refused to wear socks because they were puppet bodies.

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And the surprising part is that I actually followed that conversation.

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“I overheard my 5-year-old arguing with my 7-year-old over how babies were made.  My 5-year-old then said, ‘YouTube is a liar! God gives you babies.  It’s not a bunch of worms eating a bouncy ball!’”

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I asked my five year-old sister what she wanted for her birthday and she responded, “Two bottles of milk and a dead owl!”

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My kids were begging for a pet.  I told them if thy could keep their rooms clean for six months, they could get one.  My youngest proceeded to clean his room, move clothes and a sleeping bog into the hallway, then lock his door so his room couldn’t get dirty as he slept in the hallway.

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My class was working on a craft project involving sandwich bags, and one of my kids loudly announced that they have those at home, too.  His mom “puts her weed in there!”

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Apart from being exhausted, financially unstable, nearing a mental breakdown, and being fat, everything is great. Thanks.

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I could lay next to you forever.

Or until we decide to go eat.

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Have you ever had one of those days when you’re holding a stick … and everyone looks like a piñata?

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Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too… especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire the most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now…

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Here’s a simple and easy everyday COVID check:

0At 7 p.m. open the Jameson Fine Irish Whiskey bottle and smell it.  If you can smell, you are not affected with COVID-19.

Then, pour a medicinal amount (6 to 8 oz. is the recommended dosage) in a glass and taste the Jameson Fine Irish Whiskey.   If you can feel and tasted the fine Irish Whiskey, you are definitely not affected with COVID-19.

You’re Welcome ~ Dr. Jameson

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Periodic Table

Perserverance

Persistence

Persistence2

Persistence3

Persistence4

Perspective

pessimism

peter pan

PhD in Art History

phone a friend

Photo Shop

photo_bomber

Photography

Photography2

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If you want my opinion, I think people should keep their opinions to themselves.

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This is perfect … and one of the best written letters on the subject I have read:

The Washington Foreskins
I think all sports fans and most everybody else will get a kick out of
this letter written to the Chicago Tribune. No matter which side you are
on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this is funny. This
guy is hilarious…
This is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an
article he published concerning a name change for the Washington
Redskins.
Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly
jilted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins.  One might
argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans
would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay.  We must be careful not
to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and
courtesy, we must move forward.
Let’s ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland
Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name
Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland
Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of
militant Blacks from the 60’s alive. Gone. It’s offensive to us white
folk.  The New York Yankees offend the Southern population.  Do you see
a team named for the Confederacy?  No!  There is no room for any
reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men’s
lives.  I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic
religion among our sports team names.  Totally inappropriate to have the
New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and
pillaged.  We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the
Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to
our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or
even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.  The New York
Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood
epidemic. Wrong message to our children.  The Cincinnati Reds promote
downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.  The Milwaukee
Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go.  We need to support any legislation that comes out to
rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become
involved with this issue, as they should.  Just the kind of thing the
do-nothing Congress loves.
As die-hard Oregon State fans, my wife and I, with all of this in mind,
suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon
State women’s athletic teams to something other than “the Beavers
(especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the
Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???)
I always love your articles and I generally agree with them.  As for the
Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins” to
better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in
Washington DC.

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I don’t have a Facebook or Twitter account, so I just go around announcing out loud what I’m doing at random times.

I’ve got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.

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6:30 is the best time on a clock.

Hands down.

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Splenda Daddy:  A man who strives to be a Sugar Daddy but just doesn’t have the funds to pull it off.

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And that’s it for today.  I’ll fill you in with (hopefully) more good news tomorrow.  Cheers my dear friends.  Impish

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1775

  1. Leah D. says:

    Forgot to ‘star’ you yesterday, had to double up today!

  2. Leah D. says:

    The Reeces Connection.
    I’m so worried my little great grandchildren will forget me, since we have been in isolation since early March. Whenever their parents need something, we either leave it on our front porch, or in the mailbox. I always put some Reeces Peanut Butter Cups, snack size, in the sack and insist the parents give them one right now.
    They Remember! . . . that big blue houses have Reeces. OOOPS!

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