Dragon Laffs #1774


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Good Morning Campers,

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Not sure what day you are reading this.  Because I’m just now starting it and not at all sure when it will be finished.  I believe I told you at the end of the last issue that got published on Tuesday that it was going to be rough week, and I was working all weekend, so I’m going to work on this as often as I can and when I get enough for an issue … well … I’ll publish it the next day.  That sounds like a plan to me, so I hope it sounds like a plan to me.

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Okay, we might as well jump right in with a couple of emails…both from Joe L. from NJ.  Gotta always make some room for the brothers from Jersey.

Good morning Impish,

Once again you got me through my early morning depression. It won’t kick in again until my 9:40am tee time with my golf league.

…Joe in NJ

Glad I could help Joe… anything for a brother.

Impish,

About the recent medical model of the ‘open’ arm…

I had a lot of emergency medical training during my Navy and Air Force service.

I remember one critical statement:

“If you took all the veins, arteries and capillaries from a man’s body and laid them in a straight line…..

That man would die.”

…Joe in NJ

Really good point Joe.  Not to be ignored.

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And us patients frown on doctors who make us waste our time.  You guys forget … we pay you, therefore you work for US!

A MAN HIT ME ONCE … I WAS THE LAST BABY HE EVER DELIVERED.

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Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with.

They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t even listening.

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Roses are red

Violets are blue

Vodka costs less

Than dinner for two

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Okay … so it’s all the way around to Friday now … and it’s been an interesting week.  And I’m using the word “interesting” like you would use the word “nice” when describing a blind date to someone else. 

Anyway, Wednesday, while I was at the doctor with Izzy dragon (not getting great news, but maybe more about that later) I get a text message from Mrs. Dragon that there was a lightning strike right out front of the house … and I mean RIGHT outside the house!  Izzy and I drove home through thunder, lightning, blinding rain, hail, sideways rain … now I’ve seen the movie “Twister” many times, probably my favorite movie of all time, I kept looking for cows to fly by, it was that bad.  I couldn’t see 30 feet in front of the Dragon mobile, but I was deeply worried about our 120 year-old home and wanted to get home ASAP.

Got home and found out that Mrs. Dragon felt strange … I thought it was fright from being scared, but now I realize it may have been because she was close to an EMP strike. I say that because it knocked out our modem, several of the LED light bulbs in the house, but none of the regular light bulbs, and the electronic board for our oven.  We had to have the internet provider come out to check the wires and he eventually agreed that it was just the modem that was bad, R2 (Removed and Replaced) the modem, and we were good there.  I replace the light bulbs, but the oven is a lost cause.  The oven is a 15 year-old Amana (that we love) and they don’t make the part anymore.  The appliance guy said he might be able to find the part on line for – he’s guessing $250 to $350.  But putting that much money into a 15 year old oven … you get the idea.

Well, we had saved a little money, because next week is our 25th wedding anniversary and I should have fucking known better because it seems that just about every year for our anniversary we don’t end up DOING anything, we end up FIXING or REPLACING something.  For our 20th … for instance, we moved from a rental property and bought a house.  Last year, our lawnmower died and we had to buy a new one … little things like that.

Anyway, new oven for our 25th wedding anniversary.  I guess … at least we had the money.  But guess what?  They don’t have ANY ovens in stock because of the COVID-19 most all of the manufacturing has been slowed WAY down and our oven won’t be delivered until the middle of August.  So, the stove still works, and the microwave, the Instapot, and of course … the GRILL!  I guess we can go five weeks or so with no oven.

And this weekend is chock full of classes and graduation parties for Izzy and … well … it’s CRAZY and my stress level is over the top, so hey … you guys … do me a favor … all of you sit down, pour a stiff shot of your favorite adult beverage, shoot it back for me and give me a mental nudge to help me keep going until the sea settles.  OH!  And then do a second one on the 15th and wish us a happy 25th wedding anniversary just in case I don’t get another issue out by then.  LOL!

So, now you know why you haven’t heard from me for the last couple of days, so let’s get back to the fun stuff, shall we!

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I was getting in bed, she said, “You’re drunk.”

I said, “How do you know?”

She said, “You live next door.”

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A boy goes to a strip club.  His mom gets angry and asks him, “Did you see anything there that you shouldn’t have seen?”

The boy replies, “Just Dad.”

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Leaving the house in 2019:  Keys, Phone, Purse, Water

Leaving the house in 2020:  Keys, Phone, Purse, Water, Face Mask, Hand Sanitizer, Latex Gloves, Holy Water, Wooden Stake, Full Medieval Body Armor, Light Saber, Silver Bullets, Garlic

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Some of you bitches should stop worrying about leaving your children a better planet and try leaving the planet better children.

Hey Aussie Peter … has this one got any truth to it?

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Home School Day 42:

My child asked why I was talking to myself.  I told her it was a Parent/Teacher Conference.

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Excited Anticipation

Female Assassins

Freak Waves

Peeping Toms 2

Peeping Toms

Penis Canoe

Penis

Perception

Perfect Ass

Perfect date

Perfect Kodak

Perfect Teeth

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Perfection

Performance

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I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise it’s funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.

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A wise man said to his son, “My boy!  When you accumulate the understanding to know why a pizza is made round, to be put in a square box, and is eaten in triangles, then my son, you will be able to understand women.”

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The amount of jokes about coronavirus has reached worrying numbers.  Scientists claim we are in the middle of a pundemic.

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Here’s a comment from Leah D.  It makes sense …

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Since a large part of the demonstrators/rioters are college students, or college age, I believe some of the money they are taking from the police should go to high school and college classes How To Make A Difference by Speaking in an Informative Manner, without using the word F___

I like your idea Leah.

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Gardening season is off to a great start:  I planted myself in front of a TV four weeks ago, and I’ve already grown noticeably.

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When this lockdown is over, if you had to choose between going on a bender with your mates or taking your Mrs. out for a romantic meal?

Which pub would you meet your mates in?

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8:00 AM:  Too tired to think

Noon:  Too tired to think

5:00 PM:  Too tired to think

Midnight:  How do dragons blow out candles??

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34 people in Chicago died last weekend from COVID-19 gunshot wounds.

They will be voting by mail.

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Do you ever go out, and while you’re out, you think, “This is exactly why I don’t go out?”

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Being labeled a racist today is much like being labeled a witch in the middle ages.  No evidence is required.  It’s simply a weapon used to defeat people you don’t like.  And the mobs of ignorant rioters never question it.  As much as things change, things stay the same.

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2020 is gonna be a synonym for “crazy” for the rest of time:

“Yo, my man.  Over there is a little ,,, you know ,,, 2020,”

“I gained control of the car for a moment, your honor, and then things went 2020.”

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If you’re ever lost in the woods just look for the North Star.

It’s twinkling will comfort you as you die.

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Why does Facebook even give me the option to “Like” my own status?  Of course I like my status.  I’m fucking hilarious.

And Sexy.

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I meant to behave … but there were too many other options.

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You know that little voice in your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t?

I should probably get one of those …

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And that’s it for this issue of the best damn ezine on the interwebz.  May your day and weekend be wonderful.  My love to you all.

Cheers!

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4 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1774

  1. Stephanie says:

    Thankful that your home wasn’t structurally damaged. Be sure all things get checked out.
    Agree with Leah. There are so many people that can’t make a statement without cursing.
    Lust you.

  2. Leah D. says:

    IMPORTANT! Check your furnace! We had a big incidence with summer lightning, took out anything slightly related to computers, all our stereo/video equipment. We thought we had everything on the list we gave our home insurance. Until Fall hit, and we tried to turn on the furnace.

  3. Leah D. says:

    The virus numbers are rising. The Utah Health Department demanded our Governor Do Something! He Ordered that all Children must wear Masks when they Return to School. Since he is a Mormon, I never thought he was a betting man. Now we have our first Lottery . . . place your bets! Not me, I am staying with a sure thing . . . another excellent issue of Dragon Laffs!

  4. Joe says:

    HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!! a little early, but….i won’t forget

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