Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Saturday.  My real day off in two weeks. I’m hoping to take advantage of it, but I guess we’ll see.  I won’t really know until after you guys are reading this, so it will be a bit of a moot point.  Next Saturday I’ll be teaching class again, so I better take advantage of this Saturday while I can.  I’m supposed to have a buddy of mine come over and help me hook up the water to the new Fridge (which seems to be working wonderfully, by the way) so that the ice maker and water to the door will work.  We shall see.  I hope he shows.

Anyway, it’s been a long hard week and I really need to laugh, so let’s get this party started shall we?

 

If I was a plastic surgeon, I’d put a squeaky toy in every boob implant.

I will be posting telepathically today.

So, if you think of something funny, that was me.

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, “It’s my husband, you have to leave!”

The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something.  He goes back to the house and says to the woman, “Wait a damn minute!  I’m your husband!”

She replies, giving him a dirty look, “So why did you run?”

Today I found out that if you treat others how they treat you … they seem to get very upset.

During WWII, an American Army Captain stationed in England met and fell in love with a British Lieutenant in the WRENS.
After a whirlwind courtship, they became engaged and his fiancée wanted him to spend the weekend at her parents’ home in the country so they could meet him.
When they arrived at a huge estate, a Rolls Royce was parked in front of a circular driveway with a staff of a dozen maids, butlers, gardeners, etc., standing at attention awaiting their arrival.
It was obvious to the Yank that his fiancée was no ordinary Brit, but of the nobility.
Her parents were absolutely taken by her choice of a husband and a delightful weekend was enjoyed by all.
When the Yank returned to his headquarters outside London, he went to the British liaison officer’s office, explained what had happened, and asked what the proper protocol would be for him at the wedding.
“At the wedding, pretty much the same as your American weddings, I would say, but a bit more elaborate.
The big difference would be after the wedding.  You will both have connecting rooms in  Claridges.
You will both go to your separate rooms, where you will bathe, apply cologne, put on your pajamas and robe, and go to the door connecting your two rooms.
You will rap on the door. She will answer, ‘yes,’ and you will say, ‘I offer you my honor.’
She will respond, ‘I honor your offer.’
That is your permission to enter her room.
After that, it’s honor and offer All night.” 

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

This is a transcript of an actual cyber sex session. As all of you are well aware, online computers are often used to engage in cyber-sex. Detailed and erotic fantasies are typed into the computer to be instantly transmitted over the Internet. Sometimes these harmless fantasies become fairly raunchy.

This is not the case with the following transcript of an actual on-line cyber -sex session. Either this guy is clueless or has the greatest sense of humor known to mankind.

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high-heeled boots. I am tanned and very buffed. I work out everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I’m 6’3 and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought at Wal-Mart. I’m also wearing an old T-shirt, it’s got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I’m smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I’m gulping. I’m beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest

Wellhung: Now, I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.

Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and I’m sliding it softly off. Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I’m rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.

Sweetheart: That’s, OK. It wasn’t really too expensive.

Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it! I’m wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it’s stuck. Do you have scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back And undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my
nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and Inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know,breasts. They’re neat!

Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered With spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I’m so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I’m wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I’m taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room.

Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee!

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties

Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you. Ummm, wait a second.

Sweetheart: What’s the matter?

Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.

Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help?

Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink!

Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There that’s better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I’m aching for you lover.

Wellhung: Now I’m drying the cup. I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait it’s dark, I’m lost. Where is The bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I’m tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don’t you take your glasses off?

Wellhung: OK. But I can’t see very well. I’m placing my glasses on the nightstand.

Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly to the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?

Wellhung: I just realized I peed in your hamper. Sorry again I’m walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: Now I’m going to put my, you know, thing in your umm, woman’s thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma’am, I’m having a little problem here.

Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth. I can’t wait another second.  Slide it in! Screw me!

Wellhung: I’m flaccid.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I’m looking for my glasses to see what the problem is.

Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I’m getting dressed, I’m putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait. I can’t find the night table. I’m reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. I’m putting on my shoes

Wellhung: Now I’ve found my glasses. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire. I’m pointing at it with a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I’m logging off, LOSER!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!

It’s a bad idea to take a dog named Shark to the Beach.

So, a burglar broke into the house … I put the red dot on his chest … and the cat did the rest.

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.  As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out hear at 2 A.M.?” asked the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture.” The man said.

“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.

“My wife,” said the man.

And that, dear friends, describes most old men.

Found out two things today:

1.  Kitchen sex can be wild and exciting.

2.  The staff at McDonald’s are quite narrow minded.

If she eats her French Fries with a fork, she’s probably not going to do that thing you like.

I’m told to treat others as I want to be treated.
Now I’m facing Sexual Harassment Charges.
Thanks.

1950:  I bet in 70 years we will have flying cars.

2020:  This syrup is racist

Did You Know: In Medieval England, EELS were used as currency, specifically for rental agreements. (A slippery snake-like creature for housing?) (Apparently) (How weird is that?)

I work at a hotel.  A guest asked why there was no Fourth of July parade or any fireworks in town.  We were in Australia.

I think I need to lose a little weight.  I tried to sit up in bed this morning and ended up rocking myself back to sleep.

 

These next two are for Papa Dragon Most Senior…

This is a really special picture and it’s especially cool because it’s what Papa Dragon Most Senior (My Dad) used to do for a living for Jersey Central Power and Light Company.  He started out as a Lineman and did that for many years.

This award-winning 1967 photo, taken by Rocco Morabito, was titled “The Kiss of Life.” It shows two electrical operators, Champion Randall and JD Thompson, on top of an electricity pole.

They had been performing routine maintenance when Champion brushed one of the low voltage lines at the top of the power pole. More than 4,000 volts entered Champion’s body and his heart was instantly stopped (an electric chair uses about 2,000 volts).

His safety harness prevented a fall, and Thompson, who had been ascending below him, quickly reached him and took a mouth-to-mouth breath. He was not able to perform cardiopulmonary resuscitation, given the circumstances, but continued mouth-to-mouth breathing, keeping Champion’s lungs active until he felt a slight pulse, then unfastened the harness and descended with it on his shoulder.

Thompson and other workers performed CPR on the floor at Champion, whose breathing and heart rate were gradually restored.

Then the paramedics arrived and Champion’s recovery was complete.

His partner had saved his life with what the picture looks like a kiss.

Champion survived and lived until 2002, when he died of heart failure at the age of 64. Thompson is still living. The photograph was published in newspapers around the world and won the Pulitzer Prize in 1968.

There are friends who are not friends, and there are friends who are more than brothers.  (Thanks Lynn)

Yeah … I’ve got questions, too.

That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even autocorrect is like, I’ve got nothing man.

Women Love Mythical Creatures:

Vampires
Werewolves
Unicorns
Men Who Listen

Abso-friggin’-lootely!

I gently pushed my hand into my pocket and pulled the last one out.  It trembled at first and clung to my hand.  “Go on, it will be ok,” I whispered.

Encouraged, it flexed its wings and I knew the time was right.  It flew up towards the blue, blue sky and I looked on proudly as it made its way to freedom.

The last of my fucks was finally given.

Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for him.

I’m starting up a new restaurant that serves curry poured over French Fries.  It’s called “Curry On My Wayward Spud” and yes, There’ll be peas when you are done.

I was going down the store aisle the wrong way and this guy screams at me, “DIDN’T YOU SEE THE ARROWS?!”

Ducking down, I said, “I didn’t even see the Indians!”

And that’s it for today dear friends.  I hope I was able to give you all a smile today.  May you all be blessed with your weekend.

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Well, today is the day … for me, anyway.  For you reading this, it has already happened.  You should be able to tell how I already feel about this day by the little clues I’m leaving for you.  It’s Tuesday morning and they are supposed to be delivering my new refrigerator sometime today.  You can see me up there standing next to the floor model with drink in hand … just waiting.  Well, the day is already not going well.  They were supposed to call me between 0800 and 0830 to give me an idea about what time they were going to show up today.  Well, it’s now 0900 and still no phone call. 

Not that it really matters I suppose.  I took the whole day off work anyway.  But, you know.  I’m a military man at heart.  I like things planned out.  I want to stick to a schedule.  I want to know how much time I have to fume and worry.  And besides, I need to make sure that I pace myself and am not too drunk by the time they get here.

Okay, so I just had to know, so I just called and was told that they are loading up the trucks and will be making their phone calls shortly … so I guess I jumped the gun a little bit. 

So, while we’re waiting to find out when I’ll be getting my fridge, why don’t we get some of the laughter started, shall we?

 

BREAKING NEWS:  Opening night for baseball season, a foul ball killed 2 cardboard fans!  They will be listed as COVID-19 deaths.

Yup … me, too.

I got this next email from Tom in Oregon.  I thought it was important enough and poignant enough to share with you all.

Hello Impish, I’m sure you’ve heard about the “peaceful” protesters in Portland, Oregon and you likely have seen a few pictures or videos too. Our governor and the mayor of Portland blame everything on Trump and his “thugs.” The governor has told us to all wear masks, don’t have any outdoor cookouts or celebrations for graduates and don’t gather in groups of more than ten. Bars and other businesses are ordered to close at 10 P.M. I guess the virus knows how to tell time and comes out at 10:00.

Of course none of this applies if you want to riot, loot and destroy property. All those who want to “peacefully” destroy and burn their city are immune to everything. You are welcome and encouraged to gather in groups of a thousand or more to riot, but if you go to church or have a wedding you will get sick and die. Then the governor says we don’t live in a dictator state and she wants the federal troops to leave us alone.

These guys are not military. They are federal police and are here to help. I think most of the sane people realize that. Anyway, I wanted to share a few pictures so you can see just how peaceful these great citizens really are. You might not see these on the news.

Thanks, Tom.

Yeah, Tom.  They look like quiet, peaceful protestors to me.  Thank you for sharing your perspective with the rest of us.  These are definitely pictures that we wouldn’t get a chance to see on the main-stream media.

Okay, that is scary as Fuck!  If I saw that rising in the morning I would know it was the end of the world … or 2020.

Oh, damn.  There it is!  Been looking for that.

And speaking of stupid shit.  (We were speaking of stupid shit, right?  Yeah, okay, right) So, speaking of stupid shit, this is the headline that popped up on my tablet last night as I was heading to bed …

“Grandfathering” to no longer be used due to “racist origins”, says Massachusetts appeal court

Are you fucking kidding me?  Now the term Grandfather is racist?  

Here’s the exact quote the court used, “Specifically, the phrase ‘grandfather clause’ originally referred to provisions adopted by some States after the Civil War in an effort to disenfranchise African-American voters by requiring voters to pass literacy tests or meet other significant qualifications, while exempting from such requirements those who were descendants of men who were eligible to vote prior to 1867,” Milkey wrote.

In lieu of the “grandfathered” phrase, the court wrote that they law “provides a certain level of protection to all structures that predate applicable zoning restrictions.”

Oh my god, you pussy, snowflake, cupcakes!  The word is used to describe a situation in so many other times and places, but because it was used in this one time and place you are now going to say it is racist?  ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MINDS?

You know the slaves were put into chains and whipped while they were in the fields … are the terms “whips” and “chains” now racist terms?  I think there is a whole S&M community out there who might take umbrage with that.  They were forced to pick cotton, are we now going to say that cotton is a racist plant?  Do we have to rename it?  Or do we have to start making our clothing out of something else?  Are present-day cotton farmers racist because they continue to traffic in this evil, devil weed? 

The word “Grandfather?”  For crying-out-loud!  Is there nobody out there with a lick of common sense.  This was a state court of appeals who came up with this!!!  YOU FUCKING COWTOWING PUSSIES!!!

Grow a pair of balls and stand up for yourselves and stop parading in front of the damn cameras!  Yes, racism is a horrible problem that we have in the world right now, but do you honestly think you are helping by making this stupid shit up?  The term “Grandfathering” and the word “Grandfather” IS NOT RACIST. 

As long as we keep bringing stupid shit up and those of you who keep finding stupid racist shit where there isn’t any?  YOU ARE THE RACISTS!!!!  Leave the rest of us the fuck alone.

Okay, so yeah…I did jump up on the soapbox and rant a bit.  It just started out as being a bit of a funny thing I read and the more I wrote the more pissed off I got so … I almost deleted it, but decided to leave it in.  You guys will let me know whether I made the right decision or not, I’m sure.

Nothing says “Unity” like playing a separate National Anthem for black people and white people at NFL games.

Yeah, no shit.

Want to come over and watch porn on my flat screen mirror?

Do you know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles.

Think about it – laugh for the day: The federal government which has the “Tomahawk” cruise missiles and the “Apache,” “Blackhawk,” “Kiowa,” and “Lakota” helicopters and used the code name “Geronimo” in the attack that killed Osama bin Laden, officially object to the name of the Washington “Redskins”.

Really?

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who got up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat’s water and food dish. And now that you’ve decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I’m only going to  say this one more time. “I haven’t made the porridge yet?”.

Quick fridge update…1030 … still no phone call … alcohol level has risen substantially, has stayed pretty much on par with my stress level.  I think I might just be freaking out a tiny bit.  Not 100% sure, but my two dogs are telling me that day drinking is a pretty good sign of it.  Okay, back to the laughter.

Assistant:  “Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”

Boss:  “Certainly not!”

Assistant:  “Thank you so much sir!  I knew you would be understand.”

Another quick fridge update – I can’t believe I missed that I had a voicemail waiting on my phone – seems Luke, the delivery guy called and said that he would be delivering the fridge between 1200 and 1400 and had my address and could I please call him back to verify that someone would be home and the address.  Seems he called the same time I was calling to see if I was going to get a call.  Now, don’t I feel stupid?  Nope, just S.O.P. for the way I figure today is going to go.

Yup … I saw something else … and they are both one of my greatest pleasures in life.  And I don’t need to consult a psychologist.

Traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station.  The attendant asks the old man, “Where you folks from?  I know everybody in this town.”

The old man says, “We’re from Nebraska.”

Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, “What did he say, papa?”

The old man answers her, “He asked us where we are from.”

“Oh,” replies the old woman.

The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires.  When tat’s all done, the attendant tells the old man, “You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska.”

The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, “What did he say, papa?”

The husband replies, “He thinks he knows you, mama.”

My friend told me that he had the body of a Greek god.  I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

Wow!  The miracles of modern medi … er … um  … cooking?

Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one.  Break their bones; they have 206.

Stephanie sent this next one and said, “You were asking for it.”

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
“That’s ok Master.” Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!” 

Stephanie was right.  It was awful and I deserved every bit of it.  I’m sorry Steph.  I do love you, though.

Stephanie sent me this one next…I’m sure it will be better.

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, they’re inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but there’s one problem: I’m a horse.” The employee says “no problem come right down we’ll teach you everything you need to know” and before you know it, he’s jamming out on the guitar. After that the cow calls too and says “hey I want to learn how to play the bass but there’s a problem: I’m a cow” to where the employee replies “awesome! We have special bass lessons just for cows this week come on down!” And before you know it the horse and cow are jamming in harmony with their guitar and bass. Lastly the chicken calls and asks for drum lessons, to where he is accepted with open arms. They are now all jamming in the barn and having a blast.

A few days later, a record producer coincidentally walks through town and sees the horse, cow, and the chicken making music. He instantly knows he has to make them famous and offers them a deal. Now the horse, cow, and chicken are famous, worldwide rock stars making millions of dollars and even moved off the farm to a luxurious estate. With the fortune came fame and life was great.

One day, on the way to tour before boarding the plane, the horse gets a phone call, his mom is sick! The cow and the chicken say “don’t worry we’ll go without you, catch up and the tour will continue it’ll be fine” so the horse goes to check on his mother. It turns out it was a false alarm, but the plane crashes and the cow and chicken die.

The horse is devastated, the money power and fame is gone, the music is in the past, and he is back to the barn, but alone without his friends. In agony and desperation after such a long journey, he decides to get a drink. He walks into the bar and the bartender asks:

“Why the long face?” 

 

Come on Steph!  I said I was sorry!

Elon Musk and Bill Gates should partner up to make a medicine that makes your dick long.

And name it ElonGates

Cop:  “Turn around.”

Me:  “Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never comin’ round”

Cop:  “TURN AROUND!”

Me:  “Every now …” [gets tazed]

 

1245 hrs.: Still no joy…

Okay … I got a bunch of these all in a row.  For your special entertainment.  Anyone who doesn’t think Florida is the most screwed up state in the union doesn’t know what they are talking about:

I think I’ve actually thrown up in my mouth a little

Un – freaking – believable

A miner rests his bones after a very long shift.
“I don’t think I can keep doing this for much longer,” he tells his buddy at the bar.

“You just need a little pep in your step,” his friend says, handing him a prescription bottle. “Take one of these twice a day and then see how you’re feeling tomorrow.”

Hesitantly, but without much to lose, the miner takes his friend’s advice. The next day, he gets more done than he ever has before.

“You were right!” he later tells his friend. “That was the easiest day of my life!”

“Right?!” his friend exclaims. “If you think that was great, try taking an extra tomorrow!”

Trusting him again, he then proceeds to dig out even *more* coal than the previous day. Seeing a trend, he decides to double up his current dose to get even more yield the following day.

But within just a few hours, he begins to sweat vigorously. His heart races. He fills more and more minecarts with coal. Eventually, his reckless motions with a pickaxe lead to a cave-in!

Escaping with his life, he leans on his knees, gasping for air, as his friend claps him on the back.

“What did I tell you! You mined more coal today than the rest of the men combined have done in three months!”

“But we lost 17 men in there!” the miner exclaims.

His friend just shrugs. “Eh, coal-Adderall damage.” 

 

Yup … you guessed it … Stephanie.

 

 

It’s here!  It’s here!  Woo Hoo!  Lucas and Lukas came and delivered the new fridge.  Well, first they came and picked up the old fridge and in order to do that they had to take the kitchen door off the hinges, take the doors off the old fridge and move it out to the street.  Then the two guys had to take the new fridge mostly apart, take the doors off, and all kinds of other stuff off of it to get it through the door.  They got it all in the kitchen, in the right spot, then put it all together … well … except the water line for the ice maker and such, I got a buddy coming over on Saturday to help me out with that.  Then they had to put the kitchen door back on the hinges and clean everything up. 

One hour and twenty minutes.  I was truly impressed.  Now, all I have to do is wait on the oven … well, range.  Whatever the hell it’s called.  And that is supposed to be delivered on the 18th … in two more weeks!!!!

Sigh.

Patience Impish.

Patience.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way.  So, I turned the air-conditioning on.

I’m proposing if Halloween is cancelled, kids just dress up and sit on their front lawns and adults drive by and throw candy.

And I think that is an AWESOME idea!  If you don’t have a front lawn of your own, like if you live in an apartment, I’ll bet you have a friend who has a lawn!

We can work this out.

I read a stat that the average person eats forty-six slices of pizza a year.  This is the first time in my life I’ve been above average at anything.

If Black Panther and Storm had kids … wouldn’t that make them Thunder Cats?

YOU MATTER

Until you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you energy.

Math humor.

ENGINEERING FACT

An opinion without 3.14 is an onion.
You’ll understand.

I Hate waiting in lines …

I wish this woman would just hurry up and pick a suspect.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I’m sure of … it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

And that’s it for today my friends.  More people to thank that I didn’t get to, but I’m so minus on sleep and I’ve got to get this out so you can have it tomorrow to read.  Eyes are closing and I can’t see to type.  Love and peace to you all.

Cheers ~ Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

I’m going to warn you now that this is probably going to be a short issue if I’m going to put this out for Monday.  I’ve been teaching class all weekend, haven’t had a spare minute to myself and now it’s Sunday evening and I’m just now getting to the point where I’m getting this started, so I’m going to get as much of an issue done as I can so you guys have something to chuckle about on Monday and then … well … I guess we’ll see.

Tuesday, the new fridge is supposed to be here, I hope and pray that that goes well.  I really, really need for something to go well.  So… here’s all your instructions:  All of you … good wishes, prayers, anything that you can send my way on Tuesday will be deeply appreciated.  I know that they are just dropping off and picking up a silly fridge and what could POSSIBLY go wrong, but we’re talking about Impish Dragon here and my luck over the last month.  What could possibly go wrong?  The world has taken that as a challenge lately!

So, enough about that and let’s get on with the laughter, shall we?

If rioters come to your area, please remember, don’t be a litterbug.  Pick up your brass.

Sounds like me!

All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs.  The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.

A foolish man complains of his torn pocket while a wise man uses it to scratch his balls.

It’s called Karma and it’s pronounced “Haha, fuck you!”

I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said, “If you can read this the wife fell off.”

I couldn’t believe it today, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year old son wasn’t actually mine … she says I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the barman, “Why are those two pieces of meat hanging fromt eh ceiling?”

The barman replies, “It’s a competition which we run every night.  If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.”

“Great!” says the man, “But what if I can’t reach them?”

“Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night,” the barman answers.  “Do you want to try?”

“No, but thanks anyway.”

“Why not?” asks the barman.

“The steaks are too high.”

If your boyfriend is cheating on you, don’t worry yourself my sister.  Just go through his phone and find the number of the girl, call her and pretend to be his sister and thank her for helping my brother understand that having HIV is not the end of the world.  Then sit back, God will do the rest.

A guy stole my car last nigh and before I tried calling the police I thought:  “Fuck it, let him explain the bodies in the trunk.”

My uncle picks a fight with me like he doesn’t know how evil I can be.  I’m going to steal his phone and save my two numbers as “Jenny Sweet” and Naomi Big Ass” then repeatedly call him and hang up at 3am.

His wife will do the fighting for me.  Me, I don’t’ fight with my elders.

This woman in Walmart just told her kids, “You’re campaigning for an ass whopping and you ‘bout to win the election.”

Some angry guy with road rage just yelled out his window, “I’m gonna make your life a living hell!”

I yelled back, “Thanks but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

A new supermarket opened near my home.  It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.

I saw 4 guys beating up a kid, so I decided to step in and help.  Little fucker didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us.

And that’s it for today I’m afraid.  Let’s hope it’s better for Thursday my friends.  My love to you all.

Cheers ~ Impish Dragon

Good Saturday Morning to you my dear Campers!

While you guys are relaxing and reading this wonderfully marvelous ezine, I am teaching CBRN Defense Training to a bunch of very eager GIs.  Okay … so, truth be told, they are probably only anxious to be out of my class and NOT wearing their MOPP gear!  Okay, so really quick lesson for those of you who might be new here … everyone who’s new raise your hands, the rest of you can go and run and get a fast coffee refill (Aussie Peter, since you’re on the other side of the world, it’s probably something alcoholic for you … well, it may very well be something alcoholic for a lot of you.  No judgment here.  If it wasn’t a working Saturday for me, it may well be something alcoholic for me, too; the way my damn month has been going). 

Anyway, CBRN is Chemical, Biological, Radiological, and Nuclear Defense Training.  Basically, I’m teaching the military members how to stay alive in crappy environments.  Yeah, I got a pretty cool gig.  One of the many things I do for Uncle Sam.  So, I’m in class all day teaching today and tomorrow … a dragon’s work is never done.

But … I got a new mask in the mail today (Thursday) and I may wear it just like this to teach class.  I’m definitely going to start wearing it in protest because

#1 It is much more comfortable than the old mask and
b.  It looks way cool …. what do you guys think?
This is me …

 

Yeah … I’m thinking that’s the PERFECT way to teach class … LOL!

So, sit back, relax, enjoy your morning with Dragon Laffs and have a great weekend and now …

This is not g0ing to go how you expect …

Me too.

So, okay, let’s just jump right into the contraversy … Lynn sent me this one.  Not sure where it all came from, looks like from a couple different people, but I agree with it, so here it is

On Sunday, July 26, 2020, 1:08:44 PM CDT, Harry wrote:
My memory may be a bit shaky, but the following  are germane:

The NFL went on strike in 1974.  I, along with many other fans, were not pleased, but generally we accepted it and returned to watching games.

By 1982, I was a three games per Sunday fan; the NFL went on strike.  I was torqued and went sailing.  I met some great people, participated in some fantastic races, and spent my Sundays outdoors.  I had a great time and did not miss the NFL.

In 1987, after I had slowly returned to watching some NFL games, they went on strike again.  I continued to sail.  That was great!

In 2011, after watching an infrequent NFL game, a “lockout” occurred.  I quit watching NFL games.

By 2016, I was starting to think about watching an NFL game, when a lackluster quarterback decided to “take a knee” and express his political opinions during the playing of the National Anthem.  The NFL did nothing.  I reaffirmed my decision to not watch the NFL.

Today, after reviewing the NFL’s track record, I have concluded that the high-gurus of the NFL and many of their “players” (1) would rather make political statements than play quality football, (2) are vastly overpaid, spoiled, uncaring adolescents, (3) don’t give a “tinker’s damn” about their nation or the fans that play their salaries through attendance at games or purchasing the products of their sponsors, and (4) aren’t worth my time to watch them.
Adios, NFL!
Sent: 7/25/2020 10:08:17 PM Eastern Standard Time
Subject: The NFL Truth

The NFL Truth
NFL “Refresher” NFL History…history not often reported or leaked to the ticket holders. I hope this helps you; it opened my eyes, to better understand when and why the public’s respect for the NFL organization started to crumble….
* In 2012 the NFL had an issue with Tim Tebow kneeling before each game to pray, they also had an issue with Tebow wearing John 3:16 as part of his eye-black to avoid glare, and made him take it off.
* In 2013 the NFL fined Brandon Marshall for wearing green cleats to raise awareness for people with mental health disorders.
* In 2014 Robert Griffin III (RG3) entered a post-game press conference wearing a shirt that said “Know Jesus Know Peace” but was forced to turn it inside out by an NFL uniform inspector before speaking at the podium.
* In 2015 DeAngelo Williams was fined for wearing “Find the Cure “eye black for breast cancer awareness.
* In 2015 William Gay was fined for wearing purple cleats to raise awareness for domestic violence. (Not that the NFL has a domestic violence problem..).
*In 2016 the NFL prevented the Dallas Cowboys from wearing a decal on their helmet in honor of 5 Dallas Police officers killed in the line of duty.
* 2016 the NFL threatened to fine players who wanted to wear cleats to commemorate the 15th anniversary of 9/11.
So tell me again how the NFL supports free speech and expression. It seems quite clear based on these facts that the NFL has taken a position against any action by NFL players demonstrating RESPECT for any issue:
For God, social causes such as mental health, cancer, domestic violence, for cops killed arbitrarily, for being cops, or for the Memory of 9/11…

BUT they will allow demonstrations of DISRESPECT for our National Flag, our National Anthem, for America,  a and for the American People if it will help mollify a particular Group and its supporters. That is who and what the NFL now has shown itself to be.
Pass this post along to all your friends and family, if you believe it worthy of sharing. Honor our military; too many of whom have come home with the American Flag draped over their coffin.

Summary: The NFL has become woke and they have bought into the Black Lives Matter Organization. Simple, if BLMO likes it it is in. If BLMO doesn’t like it, it is out.  Disrespect for flag and country are in. Religion and God are out.

And I agree with the sentiments expressed here as well.  Harry, I don’t know who you are, and I hope you don’t mind me quoting your writings here, thanks to Lynn, I for one, will not be watching the NFL this year.  It’s all bullshit.  And like I’ve said before, you NEVER kneel for the National Anthem.  Kneel before, kneel after, whatever.  But that is sacred. 

And if that bothers you, then you are reading the wrong damn ezine.

Headline in The Toronto Star 06/14/96

Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee

Some more pretty strange headlines:

Bridges Help People Cross Rivers

Cow Urine Makes For Juicy Lemons

There is something insanely intriguing with this one … I want to know more and am grossed out at the same time!

City Unsure Why The Sewer Smells

Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances

You would think so anyway … would have been fun to take part in the study.

Meeting On Open Meetings Is Closed

Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney

Starvation Can Lead to Health Hazards

Okay, show of hands … how many of you out there got this one?

What a worthless, disgusting, piece-of-shit person she is!!!

If everyone of you would share this with as many of your friends as you can and show them what a piece of shit she is, that would be wonderful.  Sure, it’s worth throwing some people under the bus to get what we want.  Completely unlike the “Leave no man behind” “No child left behind” “Fill in the blank Lives Matter”

FUCKING HYPOCRITES!!!!!

 

Just when I am getting used to the voices in my head, One of them started stuttering.

A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.

“Look at the size of his cock,” says the man.  “It’s massive!”

“Yes dear,” says the woman.  “But at least he’s got your ears.”

Do not let them take the temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket, because it erases your memory.  I went for macaroni and cheese and came home with two cases of beer.

Thanks to Stephanie for these … and yes, dear Stephanie, it IS a good thing you love me, too.

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism  Website – a Melbourne University Tourism Studies Major working in the summer holidays answered….I’m tempted to believe that it was our own Aussie Peter who may have answered most of these …

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water…

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let’s not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What, did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.  See, this one I’m almost positive was answered by Peter.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10.Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.  Peter

11. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, correct?

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Australia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.

17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum.(USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.  Is there a single solitary reader out there who doubts in the least that this one was written by our own Peter?

20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

21. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

Oh to be six again … and to have more time … there are so many things that I’d love to be doing with this ezine … comments that I’d love to be exploring more, subjects that I’d like to spend more time on … but there just isn’t time for it all.  It’s like holding down another full time job.  There is so much time-worthy stuff out there to explore and get into with you guys.  Not just the laughter, which I know most of you tune in for, but the other stuff, too.

Sasquatch writes and says:

Sasquatch

Michigan’s governor has you beat. Ms. science and reason just closed the bars again up north but is letting the casinos in Detroit open next week.

We are told to be safe we shouldn’t hand people money, we should put it on the counter for a “contact free” payment. Ummm doesn’t that just add another point of contact? Every day the madness grows.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned about politicians, they don’t have to be smart to be elected.  If that were the case, most of them couldn’t hold the job.  Why don’t they have to pass a test?  Don’t most of the rest of us have to pass SOME sort of test to have or keep the job we have?  Why shouldn’t it be the same for them? 

There ought to be a law … oh yeah … right.

And Donne says:

Yer killin’ me. We went camping last week, and while we were gone, our sump pump died. Will you PLEASE stop having disasters so I can, too? Thanks.

This year can just be over. Sheesh.

Donnie

I agree 100% Donnie!  I’m so ready!

No!  Just NO!

Eight Qualities of a Perfect Man

Brave
Intelligent
Gentle

Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive

See, this is the perfect example of the inadequacies of Word Press.  This is from a video, but since I can no longer show you videos, I have to write it out and transpose it for you word for word, but it is important enough that I am going to take the time to do that.  Leah D. sent it to me and it’s from a YouTube video:

Retired Marine Col. Jeffrey A. Powers Letter To NFL Commissioner,

I’ve been a season pass holder at Yankee Stadium, Yale Bowl and Giants Stadium.

I missed the ‘90-‘91 season because I was with a battalion of Marines in Desert Storm.

14 of my wonderful Marines returned home with the American Flag draped across their lifeless bodies.

My last conversation with one of them, Sgt Garrett Mongrella, was about how our Giants were going to the Super Bowl.

He never got to see it.

Many friends, Marines, and Special Forces Soldiers who worked with or for me through the years returned home with the American Flag draped over their coffins.

Now I watch multi-millionaire athletes who never did anything in their lives but play a game, disrespect what brave Americans fought and died for.

They are essentially spitting in the faces and on the graves of real men, men who have actually done something for this country beside playing with a ball and believing they’re something special!

They’re not!

My Marines and Soldiers were!

You are complicit in this!  You’ll fine players for large and small infractions but you lack the moral courage and respect for our nation and the fallen to put an immediate stop to this.

Yes, I know, it’s their 1st Amendment right to behave in such a despicable manner.

What would happen if they came out and disrespected you or the refs publicly?

I  observed a player getting a personal foul for twerking in the end zone after scoring.

I guess that’s much worse than disrespecting the flag and our National Anthem. Hmmmm, isn’t it his 1st Amendment right to express himself like an idiot in the end zone?

Why is taunting not allowed yet taunting America is OK?

You fine players for wearing 9-11 commemorative shoes yet you allow scum on the sidelines to sit, kneel or pump their pathetic fist in the air.

They are so deprived with their multi-million dollar contracts for playing a freaking game!

You condone it all by your refusal to act.  You’re just as bad and disgusting as they are

I hope Americans boycott any sponsor who supports that rabble you call the NFL.

I hope they turn off the TV when any team that allowed this disrespect to occur, without consequence, on the sidelines.

I applaud those who have not.

Legends and heroes do NOT wear shoulder pads.  They wear body armor and carry rifles.

They make minimum wage and spend months and years away from their families.  They don’t do it for an hour on Sunday.  They do it 24/7 often with lead, not footballs, coming in their direction.

They watch their brothers carted off in pieces not on a gurney to get their knee iced.  They don’t even have ice!  Many don’t have legs or arms.

Some wear blue and risk their lives daily on the streets of America.  They wear fire helmets and go upstairs into the fire rather than down to safety.

On 9-11, hundreds vanished.

They are the heroes.

I hope that your high paid protesting pretty boys and you look in that mirror when you shave tomorrow and see what you really are, legends in your own minds.  You need to hit the road and take those worms with you!

Time to change the channel.

Colonel, I applaud you and salute you and only wish Lethal was here to offer you a hardy Semper Fi!  But I know, he is here in spirit.  And that is why I say, You only STAND for the Anthem.  And the latest thing I heard was that those players who won’t kneel are being chastised.  Can you possibly believe THAT shit.  I am ashamed of you all.

 

I hate when people say, “Guess what your Ex is doing.”  Nah Motherfucker, I had to do that while we were together.

My brother took going to jail really badly.

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

I’m still waiting patiently for the wisdom that supposedly comes with old age.
Anyone else?

I only have one thing to say … where can I get one?

Ex-wife for sale – CHEAP.
Take over payments.

And if I’m going to be teaching a class tomorrow morning than I’m going to have to get some sleep sometime soon.  So, I have to end this here and for that I’m more sorry than I can say cause there’s so much more that I’d like to get into.

May your weekend have wonderful fun.

Cheers

Good Morning Campers,

Our illustrious governor has decided that everyone will wear a mask … this has caused me no end of trouble at work.  Why does my life have to be so damn difficult?  The base is not a business, it is not a public space, it is a base…but yet the civilians … well, I really shouldn’t say derogatory things in public.  One of these days it’s going to come back and bite me in the ass.   So … on to bigger and better things!

How’s everyone doing?  Good, I hope. 

Okay, enough of the small talk, let’s laugh.

 

 

At the store there was a big X by the register for me to stand on …

I’ve seen way too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that crap!

 

I need that book RIGHT The FUCK now or I’m gonna be looking for work, real soon!

Dammit, Karl!  Unload the hoses and THEN turn on the damn water!!

Everything in your life is a reflection of a choice you have made.  If you want a different result, make a different choice.

Little known fact:  This was Groot’s stand in.

If liars pants really did catch on fire, watching the evening news would be a lot more fun.

And “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”  … just ask them …

I’m gonna go with a hard pass on this one.

John S. sent this to me … and I would love to think that these are words that we should live by … Thanks John!

Truly beautiful!

“As Fuck” is my favorite unit of measurement.

And I really need to tone it down cause it’s gonna end up getting me fired. 

Thanks to William M for sending the definition … for those of you who might have needed it … or who haven’t been able to figure it out contextually by now.

As a dragon, there’s not many things I won’t eat … but I’m thinking the Lobster flavored Coke, probably is gonna go with the strawberry Jello Taco and I’m gonna pass on that, also.

I’m sorry… I didn’t hear you over my internal hope that you would shut the fuck up.

It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

Having your nipples pierced is a good idea until you think about the fact that if you ever die and need to be shocked by a defibrillator, the chances of your nipples frying off are pretty high.  You’re welcome.

Any guesses as to who sent that one in?
Anyone?

Anyone?

That’s right!

Aussie Peter!!!!

“The Governor said our next election will be an all-mail election,” the wife said.

“But, that would be illegal,” her husband replied.

“Why?”

“Because of the 19th Amendment.”

“What was the 19th Amendment?”

It granted females the right to vote, so actually you can’t have an all-male election ever again.”

Remember that one girl from High School that said she’d only go out with you if the world was coming to an end?  Well, this may be the year to giver her a call.

Okay, I missed this last issue, so I’m going to make sure that I get it this issue … thanks to those of you who have contributed this year to paying the bills.  The list is ever increasing and ever evolving and now includes some mail in people as well.  Those of you who wish to help out and keep this ezine free for another year can hit the donate button located near top of the right hand column and donate through PayPal … and you don’t have to have a PayPal account yourself to do so.  They will walk you through it.  It’s really easy and little bit helps.  Those of you who do not want to go that route can email me at impishdragon@gmail.com and I will happily give you my snail mail address and you can send me a little something that way.  I’m not going to push this much further, I already feel like a freeloader as it is, but you guys seem to feel like what we do here is worth it … so …

Here now is our current list of truly marvelous, generous, outstanding, campers (not to say that the rest of you aren’t truly marvelous, generous, outstanding campers also … sigh … see what I mean …)

William E.     Donald G.#1     Donald G.#1     Chuck G.     Ronald W.     Theodore K.     Mark M.     Donald G.#1     Michael C.      Steven H.      Joseph P.      Henry S.      Leah H.      Scott H.      Donald G.#2      William E.     Dan T.     Philip S.     Joe L.     LTC (Ret) Bob B.    
Lona T.

And people actually want to vote for this idiot?

I want you to know ahead of time that this next joke is completely and totally Stephanie’s fault.

One day, a man form the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.

When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, “I would like to see one of the zoos in America.”

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo.  They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.

Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper.  He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man’s friend.  The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, “Ok, which gorilla did it?  Was it the male or the female?”  The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit.  Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.

He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, “Guess the Czech is in the male.”

We could not possibly be that lucky.

That’s a really good question.

Okay, … I’m really sorry … this one is Stephanie’s fault too.  I have no explanation other than she’s cruel and mean …  but I love her anyway.

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. The officer ordered the sailor, “Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it’s the brig for you!”
The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain.
Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn’t. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss.
The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result.
He couldn’t get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the silly bird came back.
When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
“What on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?” barked the chief.
“Honest, chief,” came the reply, “I tossed a tern all night and couldn’t sweep a link!”

I’m not going to apologize for her any more …

During the invasion of Sicily in World War II, General George Patton was preparing to take the city of Palermo.  He checked with his meteorologists and learned the day he had chosen would be incredibly rainy.  So he issued an order to place copies of the New York ‘Times’ immediately beneath the tailgates of the transports carrying his troops.  In this way the men could keep their feet dry.

His staff was mystified.  Why the “Times”?  Why not the New York “Daily News”?  Patton was adamant, and one did not argue with the General.

As five tons of old copies of the “Times” were being loaded, the General issued one of his greatest quotes to the assembled war correspondents: “these ore the ‘times’ that dry men’s soles.”

Look, if you think these are bad, you should see the ones that I’m NOT printing!

Oh God!  Now, we’re doing it with pictures!

Okay, let’s try changing things around a little bit …

Okay, that worked out well … we’re moving along the right way now …

Disagree.  I’m on his side. 

Two guys were standing inside a building of a local theme park.  They were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day.  The area’s custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman who didn’t weigh much, and was having a rough time trying to not be blown away.

One guy joked with the lady, telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work.

The lady looked up and replied, “you mean, now I weigh me down to sweep?”

Yeah … I didn’t think it would last.

A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.
The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it’d be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it.
Being the intelligent bees that they are, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees will hear from the fields, and then the bees can come back to protect their home.
There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the “Lever Bee.” His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm.
Now clearly, the safety of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So it stands to reason that he has to be constantly ready and on the alert so that he can do his job.
And that, friends, is why people say, “I’m as ready as a Lever Bee.” 

ENOUGH!

Steph … honey … you gotta stop!!!!

No more!!!

We can’t take it anymore. 

A man walks into a bar obviously stone drunk, and asks for a drink.  “Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you obviously already had a little too much to drink.”

Fuming mad the drunk walks out the front door and walks into the side door.  “Can I have a drink, please?”

“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you can’t have a drink here.”

The drunk walks out and goes in through the back door.  “Can I please have a drink.”

“Enough!”  The bartender screamed.  “I told you no drinks!”

The drunk looks at the bartender closely and exclaimed, “Darn!  How many bard do you work at?”

Okay … that one wasn’t THAT bad …

Ten thousand years ago the first humans came to North America by crossing over from Russia to Alaska.  They hadn’t actually intended to do this.  They got lost and couldn’t get their Berings Strait.

Okay … that’s it…I gotta call it quits… and not just because of the really cheesy jokes.  (Just picking on you Stephanie, I really do love you.)  Love and happiness to all of you.  May Peace and Love keep you until we meet again.