Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,
Welcome to Saturday Morning!  Well, Thursday has come and gone and you’re reading this so I’m still alive and not in jail, so THAT’s a good thing, right?

So, at the out-briefing today it was officially stated that I have an excellent program.  That’s nice.  I knew I had an excellent program, but did you have to put me through hell for two days and stress for two weeks leading up to it to tell me something I already knew?

I really need some time off.

But, while you guys are reading this, I am at working teaching CBRN Defense class.

Sigh.

I really need to laugh.

Let’s do this thing.

I love this meme … simply because it puts the three of them in the same category. 

I want this shirt.  But I’d have to go armed… but I do that anyway.

I have a friend who has a trophy wife.  By the looks of her, it wasn’t for first place.

I’m not turning my clock back an hour on November First because seriously, none of us need an extra hour of 2020.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.  Because communication is key.

I need this next one for work …

That’s just wrong!

This one is from Bill E.  Thanks very much for sharing it with me and sharing what scumbags the NFL is made of.

Some Folks Have Come to Despise the NFL…

For fans who follow the sport, most of this will be a simple reminder of things you already know. For the rest, it’s a wake-up call:

In 2012 the NFL had an issue with Tim Tebow kneeling before each game to pray, they also had an issue with Tebow wearing John 3:16 as part of his eye-black to avoid glare, and made him take it off.

In 2013 the NFL fined Brandon Marshall for wearing green cleats to raise awareness for people with mental health disorders.

In 2014 Robert Griffin III (RG3) entered a post-game press conference wearing a shirt that said “Know Jesus Know Peace” but was forced to turn it inside out by an NFL uniform inspector before speaking at the podium.

In 2015 DeAngelo Williams was fined for wearing “Find the Cure “eye black for breast cancer awareness.

In 2015 William Gay was fined for wearing purple cleats to raise awareness for domestic violence. (Not that the NFL has a domestic violence problem..).

In 2016 the NFL prevented the Dallas Cowboys from wearing a decal on their helmet in honor of 5 Dallas Police officers killed in the line of duty.

2016 the NFL threatened to fine players who wanted to wear cleats to commemorate the 15th anniversary of 9/11.

So tell me again how the NFL supports free speech and expression. It seems quite clear based on these facts that the NFL has taken a position against any action by NFL players demonstrating RESPECT for any issue:

For God, social causes such as mental health, cancer, domestic violence, for cops killed arbitrarily, for being cops, or for the Memory of 9/11…

BUT they will allow demonstrations of DISRESPECT for our National Flag, our National Anthem, for America, and for the American People, if it will help mollify a particular Group and its supporters. That is who and what the NFL now has shown itself to be.

Pass this post along to all your friends and family, if you believe it worthy of sharing. Honor our military; too many of whom have come home with the American Flag draped over their coffin.

Very well said.  Very nicely said.  Much nicer than I would have said.  I would would have called them the boot-licking, cock sucking, assholes that they are … but that’s just my gentle dragon ways.

Q:  My child doesn’t want to eat meat.  With what can I replace it?

A:  A dog.  Dogs love meat.

Just found out there’s no popcorn in popcorn shrimp.

Guess there’s no reason to try pot roast.

I love people who make me laugh, make me think, and make me coffee.  Not necessarily in that order.

I don’t judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, gender, ability, age, or size.

I base it solely on whether or not they’re an asshole.

Men think women dress for them … dude please!  We dress according to our waxing schedules, periods, mood swings, location, season, matching shoes, matching bags, matching lipstick, availability of suitable underwear.

You’re not even on that list, so chill.

Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2.  I paid my $2.  And he says, once upon a time there was this lobster….

And that is it for today.  I know it’s not up to my usual standards, but it’s been one of those weeks.  Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to thirsty Thursday!  Tonight is definitely going to be a night for Jameson!  I have a visit from higher headquarters bigwigs today, so you know what that means!  Yup, double shots tonight!  Some big visit with big inspections and all kinds of silly puzzle palace type stuff… yup, I can hardly wait.

Soooooooooo …. between now and then, what we have to do is …

I’m going with the car wash

I’m not really an asshole.  My parents just didn’t teach me how to say “FUCK YOU” politely.  Sorry about that.

Wait … No I’m not.

The “L” in my luck has been replaced with an “F”.

Boy, ain’t that the truth!  How many working class people out there can agree with that one!

I have to share this one with you.  My good buddy Wheats is back east at the moment, in a blue state where they are doing a really, really stupid thing.  Let me show you the picture first:

You can’t really tell, but the straw is a paper straw, because you know, plastic is evil … but they have it shoved in a PLASTIC LID!!!  Can you please tell me WHAT FUCKING SENSE THAT MAKES???  Paper straws suck!  Or actually, they don’t suck … AND THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO!!!!

Geez!

I don’t do well with hints.

You’re an adult.

Speak your fucking mind.

She passed on the scalloped potatoes because, “I don’t really like seafood.”  It was at that moment where I knew she was dumb enough to sleep with me.

This truly and seriously PISSED ME OFF!!!!!!

PBS journalist suggests that a paralyzed man standing up is racist https://thepostmillennial.com/pbs-journalist-suggests-that-a-paralyzed-man-standing-up-is-racist

PBS Newshour’s White House correspondent Yamiche Alcindor criticized Madison Cawthorn, a paraplegic congressional candidate, for standing up out of his wheelchair at the conclusion of his Republican National Convention speech last night.

One wonders if Alcindor would have had the same sentiments for the many disabled veterans who stood for the national anthem at the end of the evening as she did for Cawthorn.

“It was a direct rebuke of actions by ppl—including black athletes who are currently sitting out games—protesting police brutality,” tweeted Alcindor.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  He stood up to prove that if he can stand for the Pledge of Allegiance and the National Anthem when he is in a wheel chair then anyone can.  And this fucking bitch is going to turn it into something FUCKING RACIST!  The only racist here is you, you stupid disgusting piece of shit.  What the fuck are you doing being a White House correspondent?  YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!

Sitting in a recliner, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos, minding my own business, and Walmart calls the cops.

But it was indeed what you asked for.

So it’s Tuesday, leading up to my Thursday … and if today was any indication … it’s gonna be a crappy week.

Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by how dogs react to him.  For example, if the police K9 is biting him, he may not be ideal.

Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving past, just in case it’s an intervention.

Husband:  Why are defective condoms lying on the sofa??

Wife:  What??  Where??

Wife goes to find them and comes back angry.

Wife:  I will kill you if you don’t stop calling our children “Defective Condoms.”

Yeah, I know.  But, it was a hell of a party!

You can’t stay you forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.

Yup, the cops did.  And the firemen did.  Those evil bastards.  Those guys we have to protest against, right?

Absolutely!  That is definitely worth burning and rioting and looting over!

Is my fucking sarcasm coming through strong enough for you?

Okay, I’m gonna have to take a break, cause I’m REALLY getting pissed off again.

Sigh….Wednesday and work has come and gone and another stress filled tough day and tomorrow is the day I’m not looking forward to … but by the time it gets here you guys will be reading this and it will all be in the past and I’ll have already gotten through it … or be in jail.  Those have got to be my only two choices … don’t they?  I’m sure there are probably other choices available to me, but those are the two I like best, so I’m going with them.

Oh my dear God, I need brain bleach!!!

Now that puts a whole new spin on the Wizard of Oz

I’m great at multitasking, I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Give a man some BBQ, and he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to BBQ, and he’ll sit by the smoker and drink beer all day.

Yeah, definitely no weirdoes wanted.

After six months of listening to people talk with masks on I finally understand what Charlie Brown’s teacher was saying.

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Boston, Massachusetts where it is illegal to intercept police radio transmissions. As you might think, it is rather difficult to capture people using these illegal scanners. Police came up with an ingenious plan. They sent out hoax messages on police radio frequencies about little green men in flying saucers landing in the downtown area. When carloads of bozos showed up looking for the aliens, police confiscated their scanning equipment and warned the bozos that scanning police frequencies was against the law.  Why doesn’t this even surprise me?

And Tuesdays … and Wednesdays … and …

This one is from Sasquatch … but I agree 100%.  He’s called it: Here’s a good question:

The Democratic leaders of Congress kneel in the halls of Congress for about 9 minutes, for the death of a black man named George Floyd and other persons.

I have never seen them kneel for a fallen Police Officer.

I have never seen them kneel for a fallen Soldier.

I NEVER SAW THEM KNEEL FOR THE SOLDIERS THAT HILLARY AND OBAMA LEFT TO DIE IN Benghazi!!

I have never seen them kneel for the thousands of (black and white) babies aborted EVERY DAY.

I have never seen them kneel for a murdered white man or woman.

I have not seen them kneel for the thousands of black-on-black murder victims.

I have not seen them kneel for the thousands of elderly people that died in nursing homes due to the Corona Virus.

I have to ask: WHY are Democrats putting the life of George Floyd as more valuable than the lives of everyone else?

In fact, Democrats have put so much value on the life of George Floyd, they have allowed rioting, looting, arson, murder, and mayhem in communities Nationwide…

ASK YOURSELF – WHY NOW?”

IF YOU HATE AMERICA, VOTE FOR THE DEMOCRATS.

The family (brothers and sister) of George Floyd opened a Go Fund Me account to “help the family”?  It has already raised $14,455,100.00 and still counting from donations as of June 22, 2020.  Yes, almost $14 1/2 MILLION.

This is for a guy who was arrested NINE times; was a convicted drug dealer (and at a drug deal the day he died); held a gun to the stomach of a pregnant lady while his five buddies robbed her home; did prison time three different times totaling about eight years, and obviously didn’t learn from our penal system.  And America is memorializing him by painting murals of the guy on the sides of buildings like he’s a hero?  Unbelievable!!  You got to be kidding me.

Crime does pay!  …..and to pour salt in the wound, Pelosi presented his brother a folded American flag flown over the Capitol in his honor in a beautiful tri-cornered presentation case.

Pleosi is a fucking bitch and should be ashamed of herself, but we all learned a long time ago, that bitch has no shame.

It’s time to REMOVE ANYONE from Office who can not or will not take the Oath of Office on the Bible, swear allegiance to our flag, and follow the laws of the Constitution of the United States.

Time to call it a night.  May you all have a great day until we meet again.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It’s a beautiful day to share laughter with friends … so let’s do that … on a Monday morning!

I was so drunk last night …

When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers, and underwear.  I crept upstairs very quietly …

It was only when I got to the top of the stairs, I realized I was on a fucking bus!!!

That’s always worked for me.

Best Relationship Advice:  Make sure you’re the crazy one.

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested in you … OR you’re level 99 friend zoned.

OR … she hasn’t spotted you in the tree outside her window yet.

COP:  Are you drunk?

Me:  Could a drunk person do this? [farts 3 times and pisses in pants]

COP:  Actually – yes …

Me:  That was supposed to be a backflip.

That’s about right … but I will admit that it’s usually B more often than A.

Thanks to many Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this story in a recent Ann Landers’ column. From Ottawa County, Michigan comes the story of a bozo who set the new Bozo World’s Land Speed Record for quickest return to jail. Twenty one year old bozo Reginald Phillips was released from the Ottawa County Jail Saturday morning at 12:01 AM. At 12:09 AM our bozo was spotted climbing over a chain link fence, back onto the jail grounds, and attempting to pass a cigarette to an inmate through a steel grate covering a window. At 12:10 AM our bozo was back in custody, charged with illegal entry into a prison facility and disorderly conduct. That’s nine minutes flat, bettering the previous record of 45 minutes held by a bozo who got busted for drinking beer to celebrate his release as he was driving home from jail.

Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?  You may be entitled to condensation.

Today I tested positive for SICKOFTHISSHIT-20.  There’s no cure and I may or may not be contagious.

And I’m pretty sure a fucking mask isn’t going to help.

I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger.  Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.

I tried.

Okay, so we haven’t done this for a long time.  My bad…so let’s do it now.

Some of these may go back a bit … like I said at the end of the last issue, I’m a bit behind in my work.  If I was a porn star that wouldn’t be a bad, thing, but being a dragon answering emails and comments?  Not so much. 

This first one is from issue #1797:

Dave

The kid at looking at the 2 monitors while mom watches him with a stick, is watching his computer defragment the hard drive. It can take hours.

That’s pretty detail oriented viewing Dave.  Thanks.

Stephanie

Do you think we could get a member of Rolling Thunder to enter as a 3rd party candidate?

I think they would be an excellent choice!  Hell, at this point in time, I think anyone would be an excellent choice.  It amazes me that these are the best we have to choose from.  Where are our modern day Adams and Jeffersons?

Stephanie

Love the ant.
The Irish saying is perfect. I passed it on to a friend who recently lost her daughter to cystic fibrosis. It says a lot. Thanks for posting.
Love you much.
Still praying for you and the Mrs.

Thanks dear friend.  Thought the ant was cool … almost dragonesc

Larry S

II have to agree whole heartedly with your position on pro sports. I love the NFL, but I won’ t be watching again until these so called PROFFESIONALS learn to grow up!! There is a time and place for everything, but a sports field or arena or whatever is NOT the place!

Thanks Larry.  I don’t mind if they protest even if they take a minute on the field to bow their heads, kneel, do whatever.  It’s their show.  But not ever, NEVER during the playing of the National Anthem.  I’d rather see them stop  playing it before the game entirely than see it played and allow them to degrade it.  If you can’t be grown up enough to be respectful during the playing of it, then fuck you, you don’t get to have it played before your game.  And it is a privilege to have it played that you just LOST!  That is one way of handling it.  In fact Larry, that’s a movement that we can start right now.  If you can’t be respectful of our National Anthem while it’s being played, then your team loses the PRIVILEGE of having it played for the rest of that season.  How about them apples you over paid prim donnas! 

Okay, so I just got myself wound up again.  Sorry.

Leah D.

Post anything in Facebook, it can get shared and shared, and shared . . . Or Facebook can judge it unsuitable, delete it, and ban you. Ask one who knows . . .

I do have to ask someone who knows.  I have to call Izzy Dragon over and ask her, because I really don’t do Facebook.  Like I said, if it wasn’t for darts, I wouldn’t even have a Facebook account.  Can you imagine the following I’d have as Impish Dragon?  I’d break the internet.  I’m not getting anything done now!  It’s my duty as a respectful citizen of the earth to NOT have an account.  Thanks and love to you Leah!

Dave

The 4:20 watch tattoo is on the wrong arm, but he probably won’t notice!

Like I said, very detail oriented viewing.  Yeah, pretty much a given he won’t notice.  I always wanted to take a stoner while they were asleep and tattoo a Dorito Chip on their arm.  Something really life like.  Cause I know it would drive them crazy.

Thanks Dave and thanks for the oh-so subtle comments

Oh sure, looks legit to me.

More true to life?

Thanks to John S. for this interesting picture.  I’ve actually had one of these in my hands.

A bank teller shared this photo of a rare $1000 bill from 1934. The teller told the customer he could accept the bill at face value, but urged the customer to try and find a collector that would likely pay more than face value for it.

$500, $1,000, $5,000, $10,000 and $100,000 bills were in circulation. After the last printing of those denominations in 1945, the Treasury Department and the Fed discontinued them in 1969.
First printed in 1928, this $1,000 bill features two-time United States President Grover Cleveland. He was the nation’s 22nd and 24th president, earning him the distinction of being the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms.

My cousin Edna’s new baby.  Isn’t he adorable?  (Actually, I think he’s as ugly as a mud fence, and in that regard he takes right after my cousin Edna, but you know, you have to be polite to the family)

That is too funny, requires a lot of dedication, and probably gave that poor lady apoplexy.  But still … incredibly funny!!

She said, “Go to the store and get a gallon of milk.” and then complains when I bring this back.

I know, right.  And the court costs …

Now THAT’S a great mom!

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys, and phone.”

I do too!!!

You really gotta admire good architectural design.

So, while I was out playing darts yesterday I got these two comments…

Stephanie

Prayers lifted for Tom, his family, and all those affected by the fires.
Imagine how the parents will explain how this happened when someone mentions the gender reveal fire.

No doubt that is going to be a bit embarrassing, but good news on the other side.  I heard from Tom about the same time your comment came in Stephanie. Here’s the email I got from him.

Hello Impish; My family and I are all okay. My wife and I did not have to leave our home. Both of our daughters live about ten miles closer to the fire area and they both had to take their families to a safer place. They went to Salem and stayed with friends for a few days and are back in their homes now. The girls live about a half mile apart in the same town and found smoke and ash had gotten into their homes, but no fire damage. As they were evacuating they said it was a frightening time because the heat from the fire could be felt all over town.

The smoke was worse that you could ever imagine. Days of darkness and falling ash everywhere. The ash reminded me of 1980 when Mt. St. Helen’s exploded. We finally got some rain and the air is much better now. So far over one million acres have burned in Oregon and 40,000 people have been evacuated. Ten are confirmed dead and many more are still missing. The fires are still burning, but the rain will help quite a bit and the wind has slowed down too. Of course now the great media shit heads say the rain will cause flash floods. I never heard of a mountain side being flooded. It will be unfortunate for the media when the fires are under control because then they will have to go back and start to report on the “peaceful” riots again.

These fires are NOT the result of climate change, global warming, or angry fire gods. They were deliberately started by idiots. I doubt that anyone will be prosecuted for this disaster. I remember the fire in 2017 that burned 50,000 acres. It was started by a fifteen year old using fireworks when they were banned. The judge fined him nine million dollars. Do you suppose his daddy wrote a check for him? What a joke!

These pictures are the same shot on different days. (Date and time are shown). The first was just after 10 in the morning when it should be bright and sunny. The second one was yesterday after some rain cleared the smoke at a little after 5 P.M. This is looking west, away from the fires.

Well Tom, as you can see, we’ve all been praying fro you and are glad you are safe and sound.  And I’ll have words with my cousin Harvey about flying over the Oregon forests with a head cold.

I also heard from Leah yesterday.  She had this to say:

Leah D.

So glad to hear you are having a day off, good food, lots to drink and darts to top it off! I know there are things you can’t talk about, but still, have been curious WHY you have such a heavy work schedule lately? Is it because you are playing catch-up after time off to attend to family affairs? Or just filling in for people on vacation?

Hi Leah.  Yup, you’re absolutely right. 

I can’t talk about it.

Cause if I did, I’d have to … I’m just kidding.

Actually, it’s more of a case of when it rains, it pours.  A lot of inspections and classes and exercises and such that are spread out throughout the year got pushed back due to the “COVID Crisis” and are all coming due now and with the time off I had to take and all the shit in my personal life that has gone on … it’s just been the perfect storm.  It’s stacking up like Jenga blocks just waiting for someone to take the wrong one and have it all come crashing down.

There are other things going on in the world, that you can probably figure out if you watch the news, that keep anyone associated with the military on their toes right now, that I, of course, am not going to talk about here, that are also keeping me busy.

And it’s the end of the fiscal year, always a busy time in government work.  We have to make sure that we spend every bit of the rest of your money that we took from you for this fiscal year before we start planning on what we are going to do with the money we are going to take away from you next fiscal year.  Oh shit!  Did I actually say that out loud!  Did that go out in the issue?  Stop!  Stop printing!  Oh crap!  Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!  I am so fired!

Hey … can .. um, you guys pretend like you didn’t hear that last bit?

LOL!  ANYWAY!  Back to more of THIS stuff …..

Hey Larry (and everyone else) this next one goes really well to what we were talking about earlier…

AMEN!

Even a “new” weatherman has to be aware enough to know what this must’ve looked like…

Yes, these are the beers we’re looking for.

And for every single strange fetish you can think of, there’s a website on the internet for it somewhere.

I’m gonna say, that depends on which class you are teaching.

I am DEFINITELY bringing this idea up at the next league meeting!!!

So?  Anybody get the reference?

This is such an awesome political cartoon.  (Thanks to Leah for sending it in) She mentions that Social Media is becoming just another host for rumors and fake news and of course it is.  If not more so than Main Stream Media because Social Media is put out there by people who have no obligation to fact check (not that it seems that the MSM does either lately).  But what I like about this cartoon is that you can use this guy as an “anyman” and say that now-a-days a lot of people are using Social Media as their main news source.  I constantly say that to my Izzy Dragon.  Who isn’t so little anymore.  She just celebrated her 19th birthday and she’ll come up to me with some wild ass thing like “Dad, I think it’s terrible that Trump is going to close down all the Taco Bells because he thinks they are all Bolivian spies!”  And my response is always the same: “Izzy, you have GOT to stop getting all your news off of Twitter.”  And I think a lot of today’s young people are the same way.  They don’t watch the news, read a legitimate news source, or do any serious research of anything on their own.  It’s like Mrs. Dragon says, they are learning in blipverts.  You get 30 seconds on a topic.  You have 140 characters.  LOL!  Can you imagine me limited to 140 characters.  I couldn’t eloquently tell a rude client to go fuck themselves with less than 500.  But, that’s what makes a picture so great.  A picture is worth a thousand words.  And that’s what this one does.  Thanks Leah.

OUCH!

What if they’re not stars, but holes poked into the top of the container so we can breathe?

And I think I just found the premise for my next book …

2020’s been a wild year man, I don’t know if I need a face mask, a Glock, or a generator.

Do like I do … all of the above.

So… I’ve got enough of these to do this, so … let’s do this.  It’s Sunday and I’m in a pissy enough mood.

I want this shirt!

If all the accusations against President Trump were true, he’d damn near qualify to be a Democrat.

They tell you straight to your face, “We will take your guns and raise your taxes!” and still the morons vote for them.

And one more thing to think about … Muslims want Biden.  China want Biden.  Iran wants Biden.  Abortionists want Biden.  Felons want Biden.  Illegals want Biden.  Are you getting it yet?

For Sale

Parachute – Only used once

Never opened

Small Stain

Probably aren’t sitting in front of a computer screen reading Dragon Laffs either … is that what you’re implying Lamborghini?  Yeah, well screw you Lamborghini!  I didn’t want one of your lousy cars anyway!  I could … what’s that?  How much?  Are you friggin’ kidding me!?!  Who in their right mind would pay over $418,000 for a damn car?!?  WHAT!!!!!  That’s the stripped down model?!?!  Yup.  They were right.  People who buy Lamborghinis aren’t sitting around in front of computer screens reading Dragon Laffs, because if they were, they’d know how fucking stupid that was to spend that much money on a car. 

Who am I kidding.  That’s pure jealousy.  LOL!

Paging Alanis Morissette…

I’m afraid that has to be it for this fine Monday morning.  I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and has as good a week as can be expected.  Be well, be safe, be happy, laugh a little, love a lot.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

While many of you are reading this, I’ll be …

We have our season banquet on Saturday.  We’ll be playing darts, eating, drinking and playing darts from noon till about midnight.  Alcohol and sharp pointy objects, what could possibly go wrong?

So, let’s get this issue going!!!!

Laughter!  We need Laughter!

I see what the problem is here … I’m speaking in English and you’re listening in Dumbass.

Why don’t we ever see these looters coming out of the stores with lawn mowers, chainsaws, weed eaters, shovels, or rakes?

Retiree Mental Fitness Evaluation
This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are
doing ok, if you get none right you better go for counseling. (I’ll meet
you there.)
There are 4 test questions. Don’t miss one.
Giraffe Test
1.  How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The correct answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close
the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.

Elephant Test

2.  How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, “Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?”  Wrong Answer.

 

Correct Answer:  Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door.  This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

Lion King Test

3.  The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference.  All the animals attend  … except one.  Which animal does not attend?

 

Correct Answer:  The Elephant.  The elephant is in the refrigerator.  You just put him in there.  This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

Crocodile Test

4.  There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat.  How do you mange it?

 

Correct Answer:  You jump inot the river ans swim across.  Haven’t you been listening?  All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference.  This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Retirees they tested go all questions wrong, but many preschoolers go several correct answers.  Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most Retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

 

 

A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I want to know how the hell it got up there!

When punishing your kids, don’t take away their electronics …

Just take away their chargers and watch the fear in their eyes as they use them less and less, while the batteries slowly die.

 

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred … the number one answer was:  How the fuck did you get in here?

Learning in Hebrew School.

(These are written by children and have not been retouched or corrected, i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is: “Thou shalt not admit adultery.”

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

 

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.   Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now.  Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”

“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.  No point in you coming in for that.”

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco … they have concrete walls … years of foods and supplies … and best of all, the zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership card.

This could be problematic

Funny thing about getting older, your eyesight might weaken, yet you can see through people’s bullshit much better.

I’m proud to announce that I have completed the first item on my bucket list

 

I have the bucket.

 

Because we really like these things…

GETTING OLD SUCKS!

I just threw my back out because the toaster startled me.

The police department in the small hill country town of Kerrville , Texas , reported finding a man’s body last Saturday, in the early evening, in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man’s name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting “someone” in Fredericksburg . When he was found, he was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10-inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2-inch false eyelashes, and a Biden T-shirt. The police removed the Biden T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. Police do care 

Yes, it is an old joke.

A whole lot of truth in that.

Me:  Please bring me a screwdriver.

Wife:  Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew she was the one.

My boss said I intimidate coworkers.

I stared at him until he apologized.

Based on the yard signs I’m seeing, Biden will finish third behind Trump and Fire Wood For Sale.

I am way behind in my emails.  I am just now getting to ones that are ten days old.  I’ll catch up eventually, but please forgive me for not getting back to you right away if you have written to me.  I just found out that Tom J. had to abandon his home in Oregon due to the fires and I haven’t heard from him again and am worried about him…that was over ten days ago and I never responded to him.  So Tom, if you are out there, let me know you are okay.

I’m sorry my brothers and sisters, doing the best I can here.  Life is catching up to me.  Right now my inbox tells me that I have 339 unread emails.  LOL.  That’s down significantly from what it was an hour or so ago.  Now, that does NOT mean I want you guys to stop writing to me.  Just that I want you to understand it is going to take me a little while to catch up.

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers.

Impish Dragon.

Good Morning Campers,

So … it’s been a while and it’s been a week.  Worked over the weekend.  Worked a lot.  Been a busy, busy week.  Stress is over the top.  I need some laughter and some more laughter.  I’ve enjoyed the comments I’ve been getting from you guys, even if I haven’t had the time or the gumption to reply.  Thank you all for your support and your love and stuff.  I’ll fill you in on what else is going on as we go along, but for now, let’s get to the laughter cause I REALLY need it!

Oh … by the way … the picture above is a microscopic view of an ant’s face.  I thought it was cool enough to make a header out of.

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

Okay, so I’ve mentioned before that I don’t do Facebook, but I have a Facebook account because it’s the only way I can communicate with my dart league.  Well, I got pissed off on Sunday and needed a place to vent and wasn’t near my laptop or I would have vented to you guys so I posted something on my regular Facebook account … and … I guess I have more followers than I thought I had.  I don’t know why, I never post anything there, but … well, this is what I posted:

I just read that the Colts head coach knelt during the playing of the National Anthem while the players linked arms behind him in solidarity. I have expressed my opinion on this many times in many venues. You can express your opinion and I applaud your stance but NEVER during the playing of the National Anthem. Too many good men and women died for what that represents for you to do anything other than stand respectfully when that song plays with your mouth shut. For you to do anything else is WRONG. For you to choose that time to voice your opinion does NOT make it more meaningful or whatever it is you think it is you’re doing, it makes it EXTRAORDINARILY DISRESPECTFUL TO MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS WHO GAVE THEIR LIFE’S BLOOD SO YOU COULD HAVE THE FREEDOM TO PLAY A FUCKING GAME. So go throw your ball around, but I won’t be watching. You should hang your head in shame.

And that’s all I wrote.  I have expressed deeper opinions here and used worse language here, but I try hard to keep my Impish Dragon persona separate from my human persona because of my job, and such.  Well, when I was driving into work at 5:30 Monday morning, the cop at the front gate checked stopped me and said, “I just wanted to let you know that I think what you wrote on Facebook was spot on.  Thanks for posting that.”  I almost spilled my coffee! 

I had no idea people were watching my Facebook account, hell I never post anything!  That’s really friggin’ scary!  I’ve had a couple of nice comments from friends who are also members of the dart league who I know would have seen it, but I mean … geez!

Are we banning rap music yet?

It’s a lot more racist than Pancake syrup or rice.

Current federal law says you must know English to become a citizen.  So why are foreign language ballots even printed?

Why is it acceptable for people to be friggin’ idiots …

But not acceptable for me to point it out?

Statistics show that criminals commit less crime after they’ve been shot.

Things you can burn for stress relief:

— Sage

— Frankincense

— Marijuana

— Racists

— Pedophiles

— Lavender

Words to live by.

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy.

Not me.

I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

Well….let’s go on to some of these…

What doesn’t kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor.

MARRIAGE:  When dating goes too far.

Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter bollocks.

I gave up my mates, my motorbike, drinking, drugs, gambling …

All she gave up was sex.

Say yes to mask and no to bras.  Free the titty but protect the city.

Childhood injuries:

Fell off my bike
Fell out of a tree
Twisted my ankle

Adult injuries:

Slept wrong
Sat down too long
Sneezed too hard

I made a huge to do list today.

I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

And that’s it for today my friends.  Got to finish this up so I can send it out.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers.

Impish Dragon.