Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Well, today is Wednesday, and I’ve managed to mangle my way through the whole week without a second’s time to work on today’s issue.  Monday was full of stuff, Tuesday was full of meetings and the new dart season started.  We won our match, by the way, if you were interested.  14 to 12.  Came right down to the last two legs!  Very exciting.  The final match was Cricket doubles and my partner and I took it 2-0 in the best of three.  We didn’t get home till after eleven and to bed till after midnight and I was back at work at 0600 hrs. !

Half day work for me today because Mrs. Dragon had her first of two cataract surgeries.  Just got home, ordered a pizza, got her settled, had to pick on her like she picked on me when I had mine, it is only fair, after all, and started working on this. 

So, with the explanations out of the way … let’s get to the stuff that you guys were here for … the laughter!!

Okay, and now the warning are out of the way, too!

The “H” in “DEMOCRAT” stands for “HONESTY”

Lance is a pretty uncommon name these days, but in medieval times, people were named lance a lot.

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.  I thought to myself, That’s a little condescending.

I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person, and that person drinks a lot.

Here be wisdom:

If you keep your circle small, the joint comes back faster.

Remember that.

And if you don’t see the depth in that, you haven’t read it enough.

Okay, that’s not enough emphasis… hang on a second… I’ll be right back…

That’s better.

Well … I guess I was 61…

I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.

They didn’t like me critter sizing.

If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with “I shouldn’t be telling you this.”

Okay … so I didn’t make it Thursday morning.  How do I know this?  Cause it’s now Thursday morning and I’m still working on this issue.  I literally passed out on my keyboard last night and Mrs. Dragon made me go to bed.  I slept for ten hours (without getting up to pee!!!)  And now I’ve gotten up and I’m going to attempt to finish this issue for you guys and maybe get it sent out a couple of hours late.  So, let’s get back to it.

Becky is having lunch with Hannah.
Becky says, “My Morris is just impossible.  Absolutely nothing pleases him.  Tell me, Hannah, is your Harold hard to please?”
Hannah shrugs and replies, “I wouldn’t know.  I’ve never tried.”

Has anyone else noticed that Trump Supporters have huge patriotic motorcycle and boat rallies, while Biden supporters are rioting and burning down cities?

There is a pier in San Francisco upon which sits a large statue of gorilla named Dotty who lived at the SF zoo for many years.

Dotty is not relevant to the story, except that she was loved by all who knew her.

Any rate, every year there was a festival held on the pier at which one could buy all manner of fried foods and see some local Sa Franners doing comedy skits and the like.

Since the comedy was pretty bad, but the food was pretty good, it quickly became tradition to hit all of the food stands hard and fast then melt away before being exposed to too much bad comedy.

Naturally, this annual event became known as the Gorilla Wharf Fair.

I think we can conclude that the “time out” generation didn’t produce as good of citizens as the “ass beating” generation.

Are we the only country stupid enough to start a second civil war because we are offended by the first one?

I decided to stop worrying about my teenage daughter’s driving and take advantage of it. 

I got one of those bumper stickers that say, “How’s my driving?” and put a 0900 number on it. 

At $1.50 a call, I’ve been making $100 a week!

They are never pictured as young men like that.  They are always pictured as older and wiser.

“I got married,” said the first tavern regular, “so that I could get laid 3 or 4 times a week.”

“That’s strange,” the other guy replied, “Cuz that’s the reason why I got divorced!”

More great information from Stephanie.

Intercourse Etiquette and Decency
1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay (BUT BY NO MEANS THE ONLY ONE!).

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. Knock it off!

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s pain damn it!

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and sooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a doggie toy is not.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention!

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, …. and remember .. it is not the on button for you to hit repeatedly! So, gently rotate your fingers along side of it.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid’s toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you’re trying to stuff stolen bank notes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt – so don’t get carried away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of buttons. There is no turn off like the one where you are passionately kissing and in 2 seconds you have whipped it out or worse yet, have completely stripped.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool – she’ll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Slow is the key! In the beginning build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular
movements.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.
I can attest to this one. Honestly, get it done or go do it yourself. An hour is too long.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don’t know, don’t ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
In the beginning this is cool. Very seductive, but don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It’s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours first; try talking seductively to her, and if all else fails reciprocation is the key!

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like seawater mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you cum so she can do what’s necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don’t grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate all over them. In real life, it is disgusting and a sure-fire way to put an end to your oral fantasies!

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently around the torso area, so that she doesn’t feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first or test the waters with your finger. And don’t think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, “Can I take a photo of you?” she’ll hear the words “__to show my buddies.” At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from pouring honey on her and licking it off, to fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic sound. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a Romanian gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because THEY HAVE A PROSTATE! Women don’t.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end…. and it looks pretty silly when its summer.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen

Okay, so some of them were really funny, some of them were really obvious and some of them very condescending….so all-in-all about what I’d expect from my dear Stephanie.

I think we need to move the sign.

And that is enough to post … so I’ll just be a few hours late.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon.

Goooooood Mooooorning Caaaampers!!!!

With apologies to Robin Williams.  It is Saturday if this gets posted on the day it’s supposed to be posted, otherwise, I don’t know what fucking day it is!

Yes, it has been a loooooong week.

Boy, ain’t that the ever-lovin’ truth!

More poetry from Stephanie … although I’m pretty sure she copied this one.

Glad I’m a Man

I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to – north,south,east, or west.

I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers,
And when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.
I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don’t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing.
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don’t carry our differences into the sack

I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won’t cry if you say it’s not going to work.
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.

Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a man, you see.
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery.
I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days.
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true.
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!

Damn girl!  I’m just going to forward all the hate mail to you.

Okay, more and more poetry from Stephanie.  The other team heard from…

Glad I’m a Woman

I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don’t live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don’t get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down.
I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt.
My belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don’t go around “re-adjusting” my crotch.
And yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind.
I’m a woman you see – I’m just not that kind!

I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing.
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn’t grow in my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack.

And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb.
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I’m a woman, you know – I’ve got far too much pride!

And I honestly think it’s a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful, it’s true.
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

And I’ll send you the hate mail for that one, too.

I understand that California has voted to pay reparations to descendants of former slaves.  And that people are leaving the state in droves to avoid this.  I’m not 100% sure of the validity of this or not.  Okay, so what I just read said that the law “could” pay black Californians.  Okay, so not even going into WHERE this money is going to come from (tax dollars) and such, I do have a question for you … How much should the descendants of 360,000 Union soldiers who died to free slaves, be paid by descendants of slave they freed?  Oh … and one other question … when is enough stupidity enough?

Okay, I came up with a new dating app idea.  You match with people who are on the same meds as you.

“Relationscript”

Nice things to whisper when you hug someone

– you smell different when you’re awake

– please help me (then smile as if nothing happened)

– soon

– you have lovely skin, I can’t wait to wear it

– your hair tastes like strawberries

– tonight … you

– he knows, don’t go home

– I always knew you would die in my arms

– no one will ever believe you

– yesssssssssssss

– I killed Mufasa

– I bet you didn’t feel me lick your ear

– mother told me it would be like this

I don’t want to know “Why mobs are tearing down America’s monuments.”

I would rather know, “Why are we letting them?”

DEFUND THE NFL

Don’t watch.  Don’t go.

Don’t buy.  Don’t discuss.  It’s Not About Football Anymore.

I haven’t watched a single second of football this year.

Trying hard for Monday! 

When one door closes another one opens.

Other than that, it’s a pretty good car.

Is this true, brother?

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

First we overlook evil.
Then we permit evil.
Then we legalize evil.
Then we promote evil.
Then we celebrate evil.
Then we persecute those who still call it evil.

This next one has got to be the very BEST definition I have ever heard … and exactly what Mrs. Dragon and I have and what I wish for each and every one of you!

Boy, ain’t that the ever-lovin’ truth!

Free Urine Test:

Go to a tree trunk and take a piss.  If it attracts a lot of ants, you have high glucose.  If it dries too fast, you have high sodium.  If it smells like meat, you have high cholesterol.  Forgot to open your pants to pee and you have Alzheimer’s.  Had trouble aiming at the tree, Parkinson’s.  If you pee on your feet, prostate.  Couldn’t smell the pee, definitely COVID.

I’ve never wrestled a rage filled alligator in the dark

BUT

I have given a small child liquid medicine in the middle of the night,

so … same thing.

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2×4 just above where the cow’s stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?” Then the rancher leaves for town.

Later, the artificial insemination man knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he says.

Amy takes him down to the barn, walk along the row of cows and, when Amy sees the nail, she says, “This is the one, right here.”

Assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, the man asks, “Tell me, young lady, ’cause I’m dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?”

“That’s simple…by the nail that’s over its stall,” she explains with confidence.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, “And WHAT, pray tell, is the nail for?”

As she turns to walk away, she says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

(Once in a while, it’s nice to see a blonde win)

My super power is holding on to junk for years and then throwing it away a week before I need it.

Hey!  I have that power, too!

Not up to my usual standards I’m afraid, but that has to be it for today my friends.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Not gonna make it for tomorrow dear friends. Too much work and not enough free time. Hoping for Sunday or Monday.

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers.

Impish Dragon

Good Thursday Morning Campers,

Another one of those weeks.  But next week looks better.  Yeah, I keep telling myself that, let’s hope that one of these weeks I’m right.  Got an exercise planned for this week, a special training session planned for Saturday and then classes all weekend long.  I’m working all week, all weekend, and all next week.  But, by NEXT weekend, I’ll hopefully be taking a long weekend … if I’m still alive by then.  I guess we’ll see when we get there.  In the mean time, this one is full of stuff to do.  Doctor’s appointments, eye appointments, dentist appointments, … shesh.  When am I supposed to sleep? 

Don’t say it!!!!!!

Let’s laugh instead, shall we?

Here’s a road I wouldn’t want to live on.  Hey, give me your address and I’ll come pick you up … I live on Butthole Lane.

Yeah, that would be the expected reaction.

Papa Dragon Most Senior sent this one in:

And he’s damn right! 

I want to share w/ you an exclusive excerpt from my book “Speaking for Myself” – now available at SpeakingForMyself.com – about my Christmas trip to Iraq with the president: “Nearly twelve hours later in the pitch-black of the night, with no lights on the plane or the runway, we landed at Al Asad Airbase in the war-torn Anbar province of western Iraq. We quickly unloaded into vehicles and as we drove away and looked back Air Force One was barely visible in the desert darkness.
The president and first lady entered the dining hall filled with a hodgepodge of Christmas decorations. Hundreds of troops had gathered, thinking they were about to be joined for dinner by some of the generals leading the battle against ISIS. Instead, they got their commander in chief. The room erupted. The men and women of our armed forces were spending Christmas away from their families and instead spending it with the First Family.
The president and first lady went by each table individually thanking the troops and wished them a Merry Christmas. A member of the US Army told the president he rejoined the military because of him, and the president said, “And I am here because of you.” When the president moved to the next table, the soldier walked over to me and said, “Thank you, Sarah. I love the way you handle yourself. You have a tough job.”
I politely corrected him and said, “Thank you, but what I do is nothing compared to the sacrifice you make. You’re halfway around the world risking your life for the rest of us. That’s a tough job.”
The US Army soldier silently reached up, tore the Brave Rifles patch representing the 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment from his arm, and handed it to me. “We’re in this together. It’s an honor to meet you.”
Overwhelmed with emotion and speechless, I just hugged him. I probably held on for longer than I should have, and walked away with tears in my eyes more grateful than ever for the brave men and women of our armed forces. Their selfless sacrifice represents the best of America. I still can’t think about this night and not feel the tears well up, and it’s a memory I will cherish for the rest of my life

Sarah Huckabee Sanders – White House Press Secretary under President Donald Trump from 2017 to 2019 – Amen Sister.

I knew I matured when I realized that every situation doesn’t require a reaction.  Sometimes you just gotta leave people to do the lame shit their going to do.

And laugh to yourself.

We have a rare Bozo case today. Both a Bozo criminal and perhaps even a Bozo judge. Here’s the story. 41 year old Francis Glancy of Pittsburgh was held on trial on drunk driving charges after he crashed his bicycle on his way home from a local bar. The bozo could avoid trial and have his record cleaned if he would attend alcohol rehabilitation classes and would agree to have his drivers license suspended for 30 days. The catch is the bozo does not have a drivers license and does not want one. The judge disagreed and ordered him to take a test to get a drivers license just so he could then suspend it.

Ummm…. how’s that again?

 

If Pelosi is the Wicked Witch of the West, this is her evil Step Sister from the East, someone just needs to drop a fucking house on her ass! 

Remember a few years ago when TV undercover journalists exposed that Planned Parenthood was selling aborted baby body parts ( A felony), and the California attorney general prosecuted the journalists and never did anything against Planned Parenthood?

That attorney general was Kamala Harris.

This Bitch be Hillary Level Evil!

This might be the most important vote since the one in 1776.

Well, I got through Thursday, thanks for all your prayers and good wishes, even if you didn’t know you were giving them!  All went well with the exercise.  Now … if I can get through my eye surgery tomorrow and this weekend.  Which reminds me … depending on my eye surgery tomorrow and how “non-evasive” it is, there may or may not be an issue on Saturday.  Fair warning. 

I don’t feel like I’m getting older … it’s more like my warranty has expired and my parts are wearing out.

Here’s one for the books …

Daily black licorice habit kills Massachusetts construction worker.

Sept. 24, 2020, 1:25 AM EDT

By The Associated Press

A Massachusetts construction worker’s love of black licorice wound up costing him his life. Eating a bag and a half every day for a few weeks threw his nutrients out of whack and caused the 54-year-old man’s heart to stop, doctors reported Wednesday.

“Even a small amount of licorice you eat can increase your blood pressure a little bit,” said Dr. Neel Butala, a cardiologist at Massachusetts General Hospital who described the case in the New England Journal of Medicine.

Here’s the rest of the story here … https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/daily-black-licorice-habit-kills-massachusetts-construction-worker-n1240902

And I’m a big fan … but not anymore.  Gonna stay away.

That is the honest truth.  Life is what you make of it.

Amen!  Which is why God invented coffee!  How do I know God invented coffee?  Just think about if for a minute or two and you’ll get it.

Now, Stephanie sent this to me, with the following line …

A protocol error. Doesn’t surprise me.

Okay, I get that there’s nothing secure about Dragon Laffs and that we are occasionally invalid … but a protocol error?  Really?  I think your server wouldn’t know proper fucking protocol if it sat up and bit you on your sweet round ass!  How’s that protocol for you!?! 
Okay, that was fun!  What else can we make fun of???

Well, the very next email offers the very next opportunity!!!

Stephanie sends us a bit o’ poetry…

Ode to the Penis

I’ll tell you a short poem; I’ll try to make it quick.
You might think it quite harmless; You might well find it sick.
The subject is quite simple: The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things; You ladies should be jealous.
Ever since the early days, When it was small and hairless;
I’ve looked upon that bit of flesh, As something very precious.

It starts to grow dramatically, When you’re about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side; Your willy in between.
When erect it’s quite a sight; A purple love machine.

It dangles neatly down below; Obedient and loyal.
Its seeds are hidden well within; Awaiting some fresh soil.
At the slightest hint of lust, It’s ready to uncoil.

It has a mind all of its own; It’s like a wild beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out; When you expect it least.
You can’t control its energy; You must wait ’til it’s ceased.

Handle it with love and care; For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend? And when did you last measure?
Still, no matter what its length; It’s something you should treasure.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves; Erecting when it shouldn’t.
A bumpy train ride sets it off; Just when you wish it wouldn’t.
Did that lady notice it? You blush and hope she couldn’t.

Some people fret about its size; They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough? It makes blokes quite distraught.
They peek across in public loos, And try not to get caught.

Masturbating is a sin; That’s what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives’ tales; Outdated and naive.
And if you’re feeling tense or stressed, A quick wank does relieve.

Without this fabulous device, No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best; But must admit defeat.
And what a handy tool it is, When one needs to excrete.

The penis is quite marvelous; It has so many uses.
For women it is special too; Excitement it induces.
And babies can be procreated, From its sperm-filled juices.

And always it remains with you; Until you’re old and frail.
Don’t take it out in public though, Or you’ll be thrown in jail.
Just look at it and feel proud; And thank the lord you’re  male.

Finger snaps!

And about this one Stephanie says …

And some think romance is dead.

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their Seventies when they got married.
They had to wait for Millard’s mother to pass away first.
Back in those days there was no hanky panky before  marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.
Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years.
However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.
Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part.
Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie.
She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie. She is really concerned  about telling Chester about her heart condition.
In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother’s. It is hanging there down to her belly button: gravity having taken it’s course over some sixty years.
He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more. Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.
Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, “Chester I have acute angina.”
Chester says, “I sure hope so. Cuz you’ve shore got ugly tits.”

And I can see why she might think that.

I’m finished with Debbie!” Tom exclaimed to his friend.
“What did she do?” asked his buddy
“She broke down and told me she was bisexual.
“That bothers you that much?”
“Yeah!!! Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year???”

YAY, BROTHER!!!!!

And that is the mostest bloodiest perfectest place to end this one!!

I hope to see you all again sometime this weekend.

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Monday.

Already.  I can’t believe it.  It just seems like yesterday it was Friday.  Wait.  … today is Saturday that I’m writing this, so it was just yesterday that it was Friday.  No wonder it seems like it.  I still have all day tomorrow off!!  Hot damn!  Woo Hoo!!

That means it’s time to laugh!!!!!!

Maybe my mom was right all those years ago.

Maybe I won’t be happy until someone loses an eye.

Maybe that’s what’s been missing.

Well played little 2 year old!  Well played.

Asked my wife if I could use toys during sex.  Should’ve seen her face when I rolled my hotwheels car across her titties…

Duct Tape ………… $2.00
Rope…………………$3.00
Blind Fold …………$1.50
Garbage Bags ……..$3.50
Look on cashiers face …….Priceless!

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 2020, 3500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new “feel” before they become extinct…

The salesman (a man wearing a Biden lapel pin, sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its “wonderful” options… and the seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership.

A really great salesman is one who can actually make his wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties and bra in his car.

A doctor and his wife were out walking when a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting halter top and skirt nodded hello from a nearby doorway.

“And who was that?” questioned the wife.

“Oh, just a young woman I know professionally,” said the doctor, reddening slightly.

I see,” said the wife.  “Your profession or hers?”

My longtime boarder was moving out, and I needed an advertisement posted at the local college.

A friend agreed to make one up on her computer and put it on the school’s bulletin board.

I went out of town for a couple of days, and when I got back, I found a number of strange messages on my answering machine.

Deciding I had better check out my ad, I went over to the college.  And there it was:  “Room and Broad, $400 a month.”

What do you never want to hear while having good sex?

Honey, I am home!

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.

“I suppose you’re going to tell me now that you’re waiting for ‘Mr. Right’,” he said dejectedly.

“That’s a silly old romantic notion,” laughed the coed.  “I’m just waiting for Mr. Big.”

There’s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it’s usually a prescription.

What kind of society do we live in where we have homelessness in the first place?

The woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her appointment, “When you’re finished with me, will my husband think I’m beautiful?”

“Maybe,” replied the beautician, “does he still drink a lot?”

“Mom!  He’s touching me!”

Yeah … I’d really be interested in knowing too.

Early Retirement Policy for all Current Employees

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on the number of personnel.  Under this plan, older employees will b asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future.  Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. 

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).  Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.  SLAPPED employees can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place.  This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management.  This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).  Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).  As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).  This company takes pride in the amount of  SHIT our employees receive.  We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.  If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.

Thank you.

Yeah … reading does that for me, too.

Does anyone know which page of the Bible explains how to turn water into wine?

Asking for a friend.

From Vernon, British Columbia, Canada comes the story of bozo Charles Hanson who held up a flower shop, getting away with a small amount of cash. Our bozo immediately took the money and went next door to the 7-11 to pick up some much needed supplies (probably a beer). As he was walking out he remembered he had left something important behind in the flower shop so he returned to pick it up. Bad idea. The police were already there investigating. And just what was it that was so important that he had left behind? His gun.

Actually, that’s pretty good advice.

The rising new trend is “Anal Bleaching”.  Usually I’d be against such an activity, but … Some assholes do need to lighten up.

Drinking at home instead of the bar isn’t working out.  I almost asked my wife for her phone number.

Very few things upset my wife.

It makes me feel rather special to be one of them.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, lots of comments to get to and lots of other stuff to say, but what there isn’t lots of is time.  I’m afraid that’s all I have time for today.  May your Monday be filled with love and happiness, fun and games, but mostly, may your week be filled with laughter.

Cheers my friends.

Impish Dragon