Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

I’m baaaaccckkkk!  I’m so happy to be back home again!  It was a tough week.  In so very many ways.  Maybe sometime I’ll talk about some of the side shit that went on, but for now, I’m just glad to be back home in the loving arms of my family and friends … and I include all of you in that.

What I really need right now is to laugh … long and hard, so let’s get to that right now, shall we?

Okay … I gotta admit … I’m from Jersey and I won’t go to Jersey City.

I once won an argument with a woman … in this dream I had.

If there was a way to read a woman’s mind, I am not sure I would want to.  I hate shoes, shopping, gossip and I already know I am annoying.

It’s funny when my girlfriend gives me the “silent treatment.”  She thinks it’s a punishment.

Judging by the frying pan that just flew by my head, I d did something wrong.

I can’t wait to find out what it was.

“No thanks, I’m vegetarian” is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.

I wasn’t going to show you guys, but this is my baby picture.

We should start referring to “Age” as “Levels”, so when you’re level 80 it sounds much more badass than just being an old person.

My favorite part of guys in their 20’s trying to pick me up is that I can tell them my number is 867-5309 and they believe me.

I need to have enough wild sex as possible so one day I can become an inappropriate old lady that blurts out things like “when I was your age I got a concussion after being bent over a desk” and then my family can be like “grandma please, you’re making Easter dinner really uncomfortable” and it’ll be great.

In my youth, I had a very short lived career as a tattoo.

I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.  She said, “It’s my husband!  Quick, try the back door!”  Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don’t get offers like that every day.

WARNING!

There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can.
If you get this email, do NOT open it.  It is SPAM.

Sure, it looks legit.

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, “Up until last week, I had it all.
I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,
I had a roof over my head,
I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical benefits coverage.
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, “What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”
Oh no, nothing like that,” he said. ”
“Because of Corona virus, I was unexpectedly paroled”.

There was a safety meeting in work today.  They asked me, “What steps would you take in the event of a fire?”

“Fucking big ones” was apparently the wrong answer.’’

My friend was driving and we were almost past our turnoff so I tried to say “quick” and “fast” at the same time and I ended up screaming “QUACK” which ended up with him judging me very hard and missing the turn.

I hate people who go to sleep as soon as they close their eyes … it takes me 4 hours, 7 pillow flips, 11 different positions, 2 trips to the bathroom, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Look at you!  Being kind of awake and stuff.  You are reading words and probably aren’t even stabbing anyone right now!  You deserve a coffee, you magnificent little sunbeam!

The month of October is just a vicious circle of buying a bag of candy for Halloween and then buying another bag because you ate the first one yourself.

Having plans sounds like a good idea — until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

And let’s end today with some last minute political propaganda to help everyone remember who to vote for tomorrow…

And that it’s for today my friends.  Remember to get out and vote tomorrow.  It’s important.  Probably the most important thing you can do as a citizen.  It’s meaningful, it matters, it’s far-reaching.  What happens tomorrow will have lasting impact for many years to come.  You may feel like your one little vote doesn’t mean much, but it does.  Every single vote matters.  So please, go out and do your civic duty.  Besides, if you don’t vote, you aren’t allowed to bitch about the results.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Today starts a very busy day for me.  It’s Wednesday morning and it’s just a couple of days away from Halloween, a couple of days away from the election, a couple of more days for me here in Alpena, and … I can’t think of anything else.

I’ve got a few minutes before I have to head out to the base so why don’t we start today with some Halloween cartoons?

Bitchcraft:  the art of pissing people off by telling them the truth.

In March:  Friday the 13th, Full Moon, Turned the clocks ahead, all in one weekend.

October 31st:  Halloween on a Saturday, Full Moon, Turn clocks back an h0ur.  Maybe this will return us to factory settings.

Dear Impish,

I am 34 and my girl is 24. We were celebrating our anniversary in a rather nice restaurant. Suddenly people started looking at me and shouting ”Pervert”.

It was so upsetting, it nearly ruined our 10^th anniversary.

Signed,

Overly Upset

Dear Overly … Um … I got nothing….

“I am the master of all I survey.” No you’re not, you dork, you’re stuck on the roof eave again!  My cousin Larry.

As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself …

“This takes me back.”

Damn!  How’d my ex-wife’s picture get in here?

Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year?  I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for 7 months now, I don’t think I need a day dedicated to it anymore…

Found out today, Thursday, we’re going home a day early.  We’re leaving early tomorrow morning, so it looks like I have to finish this issue up today and it’s going to be the Halloween issue as well.  Well, humbug.  But, that’s good for me, I get to see my family a day early.  I’m really, REALLY ready to see them and really, REALLY ready to leave this place.  As beautiful as it is.  It’s still been cold and rainy the last few days we’ve been here and I feel like it’s been a month since I’ve been warm.

Here’s a couple of pictures from Lake Huron. 

Looking out the little inlet here in Alpena.  That’s a big pile of sand? off to the right.

Looking up the inlet towards the bridge that raises to let the boats pass.

The lake on the right, harbor on the left

The sun is beginning to set over Lake Huron

The harbor with the boats … most of which have been winterized.

And another good picture of the beautiful shoreline.

This is me, taking pictures during one of the attacks and getting myself smoked out at the same time.

They snapped the picture AFTER they could see me again.

Sadly, there are a TON of Halloween cartoons that I did not get to.  But, I guess there’s always next year.  Thanks for playing along with me this week.  Love and happiness to you all and may you have a safe and happy Halloween.

Cheers!

Happy Halloween!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning from Alpena, Michigan!

And I do mean morning!  It’s Monday at 0430 in the damn morning.  After a LONG drive yesterday I was so damn tired that I crashed early which means that I woke up early this morning so I thought I’d get a start on writing to you guys since there isn’t a damn thing I can do for an hour or so.  Yesterday was completely uneventful, got here, went with the guys to eat.  Came back to the room, read for a while, got things unpacked and crashed.  My achy body woke me at about 0400 and I tried to talk it out of it, but it wasn’t listening, so here I am.

Waiting for breakfast to open.

So … let’s get to the laughter, shall we?

My dentist told me I need a crown.  I was like, I KNOW, RIGHT?

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

Yes!  And that’s a legitimate request!!!!

Nerd?  We prefer the term “intellectual bad ass”

Ah, such good memories.  This is a picture of me bringing Mrs. Dragon home after our first date.

And no!  This was NOT her brother’s reaction!  But whoever’s brother it was, he seems pretty pissed off.

A man named Tom Nicholson posted on his Facebook account the sports car that he had just bought and how a man approached and told him that the money used to buy this car could’ve fed thousands of less fortunate people.
His response to this man made him famous on the internet. READ his story as stated on Facebook below:
A guy looked at my Corvette the other day and said,
“I wonder how many people could have been fed for the money that sports car cost?
I replied I’m not sure;
it fed a lot of families in Bowling Green, Kentucky who built it,
it fed the people who make the tires,
it fed the people who made the components that went into it,
it fed the people in the copper mine who mined the copper for the wires,
it fed people in at Caterpillar who make the trucks that haul the copper ore.
It fed the trucking people who hauled it from the plant to the dealer
and fed the people working at the dealership and their families.
BUT,… I have to admit, I guess I really don’t know how many people it fed.
That is the difference between capitalism and the welfare mentality.
When you buy something, you put money in people’s pockets and give them dignity for their skills.

When you give someone something for nothing, you rob them of their dignity and self-worth.
Capitalism is freely giving your money in exchange for something of value. Socialism is having the government take your money against your will and give it to someone else for doing nothing.

Does anyone know if there are special looting hours for seniors?

Asking for a friend.

My wife’s sister told me she was really into horses …

Wife:  Did I get fat during quarantine?

Husband:  You weren’t really skinny to begin with!

Time of death:  11:00 pm

Cause: COVID-19

During the lockdown, I’ve run out of entertainment.  So I send David, my neighbor flowers every Saturday evening with a message, “I miss you.”

Then I go to my balcony with a drink and listen to his wife.

My son is taking part in a virtual school social experiment for his civics class. He has to wear a Biden 2020 T-shirt for two weeks and write a report on how people react. On his very first day, he’s been cursed at, spit on, punched, and had a bottle thrown at him!

I’m curious what will happen when he leaves the house.

The really funny thing is, that Lynn felt like she had to add … PS: it’s a joke.  LOL!  Thanks Lynn, you made my day.

I asked my surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic.

He said, “Go ahead, knock yourself out.”

Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat and taking the tartar sauce with you. ~ Zig Ziglar

Finland nailed it!

The Finnish word for horrible is KAMALA.

Fact check that!

I did and it is!

Boy, if that ain’t enough warning for you folks out there …

And that is the end of Monday.  Pretty slow day today.  Might be a pretty slow day tomorrow too.  So, here’s hoping I can get another issue out tomorrow.  We’ll have to see.

Cause by the looks of the MSEL (Master Sequence Events Listing) (and pronounced  Measle) it sure as hell ain’t gonna be Wednesday.  We are going to be bussssssssyyyyyyyyy on Wednesday. 

So, have a wonderful Tuesday.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon 

Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to … Saturday, I hope.  Sunday if not.  LOL!  Today is the last issue you are going to get before I get to Michigan.  After that it will be hit or miss.  I hope to get issues out MORE often, but who knows?  We will be working with another base and we will be doing our own thing as well, so we’ll have to see.  Hopefully it will be better because, well, because in my free time I won’t have anything better to do, but we shall see.

In the mean time, let’s get some laughter going, shall we?

The Itsy-Bitsy Paycheck
Just post to my account.
Down came the bills
And wiped the money out.

When someone is MURDERED, the police investigate the spouse first.

And that tells you everything you need to know about MARRIAGE.

If showing up in a robe and tiara with a box of wine is wrong, then maybe I don’t fully comprehend how Casual Friday actually works.

If by “Crunches” you mean the sound bacon makes when you eat it, than yes, I do Crunches.

My poser cousin Ralph.  He has his eyes colored.  Can you believe it?

I asked my wife why she married me.

She said, “Because you are funny.”

I said, “I thought it was because I was good in bed.”

She said, “See?  You’re hilarious!”

Here’s something I didn’t know … thanks to Lynn …

Most People Don’t Keep Their “Dream House”

HGTV’s annual “Dream Home” contest is a sweepstakes in which winners get an amazing house. It started in 1997, and has continued every year since. It sounds like a dream come true, but apparently it can be more like a nightmare due to high taxes.
According to a 2018 article in Country Living, “Of the 21 people who’ve won Dream Homes over the years, only six, or about 28 percent, actually lived in their home for more than a year. The vast majority either took the cash alternative or sold the house back to the developer within a year of winning.”
The magazine went on to report that the “grand prize — typically $250,000 in cash, a car, and sometimes a boat, in addition to the home itself, usually valued at $1 million or more — comes with a federal income-tax bill of about $700,000.”

This Jack Daniels tastes a little bit like I’m not going to work tomorrow.

Congratulations on reaching an age where you wake up at the time you used to go to sleep on a Saturday.

Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen.  Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.

I am pretty sure I’ve met this lady.

So, let me get this straight … there’s no cure for a virus that can be KILLED by sanitizer and hand soap?

You young people won’t get it.

But the answer is … Call me in the morning.

The next time your wife gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and announce, “now you’re SUPER ANGRY!”

Maybe she’ll laugh.

Maybe you’ll die.

The original cast of “How I Met Your Mother”

This is both my wife and my daughter’s solution

If you love somebody, let them go …

If they come back with coffee, it was meant to be.

When I die, I know one of my Grandkids will lean in my coffin, and whisper * Can I play a game on your phone *  And that is from our own sweet Leah.

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some “Nair” hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist tells her: “If you’re going to use this under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days”.

The lady says “I’m not using it under my arms”.

The pharmacist says: “If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days”.

The lady says “I’m not using it on my legs, either.  If you must know, I’m using it on my schnauzer”.

The pharmacist says “Stay off your bicycle for a week”.

Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither.  A box had been left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it:  “Danger!  Do Not Touch!!
Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.
When the foreman arrived, he donned safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.
Inside were 25 signs that read, “Danger!  Do Not Touch!”

Yup, that’s been my experience.

A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again.
“Seriously, what’s wrong?”
“Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you.  I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as “Thank you.”
“Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father’s Day gift.”
“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”

And that’s it my dear friends … until later on next week.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Well … I’m going out of town again next week.  Back up to Alpena, Michigan to help out another base with an exercise.  So, not sure how that will work out with Dragon Laffs.  Last time, if I remember correctly, I was still able to put out a couple of issues, but this time, with everything else going on, who knows.  But, I am going to try.  Hopefully there won’t be a friggin’ blizzard like there was last year when we went up there.  Leaving on Sunday, driving back next Saturday on Halloween.  Should be great fun.  In the meantime, I’ll keep you guys inf0med and let’s do some laughing.

I need everyone to wish me luck.  I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt.  I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

I have met my quota for stupid people this year.

I am no longer taking applications.

Thank you.

I rolled my eyes so hard, I checked out my own ass.

Impish Dragon Dating Tip:  Girls like a man that takes charge, so take her to dinner, take her to the movies, take a hostage, overthrow the government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a kitten.

Impish Dragon Parenting Tip:  When you lose your children in the house, turn off the Wi-fi.  They’ll come out immediately.  Your neighbors may even drop by as well.

Yeah, I can dig that…cause I have no damn idea how the hell it is now late on Wednesday and I still haven’t finished Thursday’s issue…so here’s the deal.  I work until bed time and you guys get what you get.  Sorry to put it that way but I’ve had a crappy week.  Mrs. Dragon had her second eye surgery today, we are having hostilities at work, by creatures I was sure were … if not friends, at least allies, whom I’ve done many significant favors for and spoken quite highly of to many important and high ranking kings and queens.  Anyway, be that as it may, at this point in time, I am still going to Alpena next week, so I will probably be able give you guys some updates from there … hopefully.  Since I won’t be able to go out partying with the younger folks.  Mostly because I will be broke due to all the surgeries and such.  LOL!

Anyway, back to the fun stuff, shall we?

I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.

Yeah, it’s an old joke, but it’s so true … so sadly true.

Woulda been nice if 2020 took me out to dinner before it fucked me like this.

Cigarettes and alcohol have warning labels because they are addictive, dangerous and destroy lives.

And yet women are just allowed to roam about freely!

Be sure to bring up politics at Thanksgiving this year to save on Christmas gifts!

Now that is a shirt I would wear every single day!!!!

Social media has made too many of you comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the mouth for it.

Ain’t that the truth!

I hate links in blogs.  I really do … but this one is really worth watching.  Trust me or not, but it is.  Thanks to Sasquatch for sending it to me.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WbozDBM67lY

Here’s an old joke with a nice new twist:

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?”

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “asshole.” He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So, Shirley, my wife, called him a “shithead.”

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with Biden 2020 stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s so important at our age. 

People say 60 is the new 40.

The cop who just pulled me over didn’t agree.

These kids think they invented everything.  LOL.  Boy are they ever wrong.

I was at the Post Office where I see a blonde woman shouting into an envelope.  I asked, “What are you doing?”
The blonde replied, “Sending a voice mail.”

And with that, I’m calling it a day.  Until we meet again my friends,

Cheers!

Impish Dragon