Good Morning Campers,
I’m baaaaccckkkk! I’m so happy to be back home again! It was a tough week. In so very many ways. Maybe sometime I’ll talk about some of the side shit that went on, but for now, I’m just glad to be back home in the loving arms of my family and friends … and I include all of you in that.
What I really need right now is to laugh … long and hard, so let’s get to that right now, shall we?
Okay … I gotta admit … I’m from Jersey and I won’t go to Jersey City.
I once won an argument with a woman … in this dream I had.
If there was a way to read a woman’s mind, I am not sure I would want to. I hate shoes, shopping, gossip and I already know I am annoying.
It’s funny when my girlfriend gives me the “silent treatment.” She thinks it’s a punishment.
Judging by the frying pan that just flew by my head, I d did something wrong.
I can’t wait to find out what it was.
“No thanks, I’m vegetarian” is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.
I wasn’t going to show you guys, but this is my baby picture.
We should start referring to “Age” as “Levels”, so when you’re level 80 it sounds much more badass than just being an old person.
My favorite part of guys in their 20’s trying to pick me up is that I can tell them my number is 867-5309 and they believe me.
I need to have enough wild sex as possible so one day I can become an inappropriate old lady that blurts out things like “when I was your age I got a concussion after being bent over a desk” and then my family can be like “grandma please, you’re making Easter dinner really uncomfortable” and it’ll be great.
In my youth, I had a very short lived career as a tattoo.
I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don’t get offers like that every day.
There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can.
If you get this email, do NOT open it. It is SPAM.
Sure, it looks legit.
I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, “Up until last week, I had it all.
I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,
I had a roof over my head,
I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical benefits coverage.
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, “What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”
Oh no, nothing like that,” he said. ”
“Because of Corona virus, I was unexpectedly paroled”.
There was a safety meeting in work today. They asked me, “What steps would you take in the event of a fire?”
“Fucking big ones” was apparently the wrong answer.’’
My friend was driving and we were almost past our turnoff so I tried to say “quick” and “fast” at the same time and I ended up screaming “QUACK” which ended up with him judging me very hard and missing the turn.
I hate people who go to sleep as soon as they close their eyes … it takes me 4 hours, 7 pillow flips, 11 different positions, 2 trips to the bathroom, and a partridge in a pear tree.
Look at you! Being kind of awake and stuff. You are reading words and probably aren’t even stabbing anyone right now! You deserve a coffee, you magnificent little sunbeam!
The month of October is just a vicious circle of buying a bag of candy for Halloween and then buying another bag because you ate the first one yourself.
Having plans sounds like a good idea — until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
And let’s end today with some last minute political propaganda to help everyone remember who to vote for tomorrow…
And that it’s for today my friends. Remember to get out and vote tomorrow. It’s important. Probably the most important thing you can do as a citizen. It’s meaningful, it matters, it’s far-reaching. What happens tomorrow will have lasting impact for many years to come. You may feel like your one little vote doesn’t mean much, but it does. Every single vote matters. So please, go out and do your civic duty. Besides, if you don’t vote, you aren’t allowed to bitch about the results.