Good Morning Campers,

I’m not sure when you’ll be getting this issue.  Simply because it’s still Friday, I just finished up the last issue.  The girls aren’t home.  I’ve got one dog lying asleep on one side of the room and the other lying asleep on the other side of the room.  I don’t feel like watching TV. I SHOULD be wrapping Christmas gifts, but I have NO idea how long the girls are going to be gone.  With my luck being the way that it has been.  I’ll get everything out and be just started and they’ll pull up in front of the house and I’ll get caught.  And before you ask, our house is laid out in such a way as for me to have no real place to hide out to do that…so …

DRAGON LAFFS!!!!

HA, HA, HA, HA!!!!!!

I do have some stuff to get caught up with you guys anyway, so after we get some laughter out of the way, maybe we can get some of that out of the way.  First of all, let’s get some personal notes out of the way, right up front…

Thank you Tom for the books.  They came in the mail the other day.  I haven’t had a chance to start them yet, but I am really looking forward to it.  As an explanation to the rest of you, Tom J. knows how much I like to read, as do the rest of you who pay attention to this e-zine (88 books since April 1st or 1 book every 3 days)  (even with my busy work schedule)  and offered me a couple of books that he had written.  And I, of course, said I’d LOVE to give them a shot.  I can’t wait to sit down and read them.  I kind of want to hoard them because they are REAL books rather than the electronic books that I normally get.  There are times when I am locked in “secure” locations for 12 hours at a time that I am not allowed to have electronic devices and I search my house for a paperback that I haven’t read more than a hundred times.  So, part of me really wants to hold these back for one of those times.  The other part of me says, in a screaming little girls voice in the back of my head, “A NEW BOOK, A NEW BOOK, A NEW BOOK!!!!!”  So …. yeah. There’s that.

And thanks to Donnie G.  Your donation was unexpected and very thoughtful.   Thank you very much.

Here’s a question for the mind readers out there.

In STAR WARS anyone can hop in any spaceship and knows how to fly it.

I just spent 20 minutes trying to find the headlights in a rental car.

Burglar broke in last week, but he didn’t take the TV, just the remote.  Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick bastard!

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.  Now every time I talk, I have an AXE scent.

Little is known about the 10th Reindeer … You know … “Olive, the other Reindeer.”

Once pot is legalized …

I’ve gotten some nice comments lately, some cool emails, and some rather strange ones.  I’ll leave it to you to figure out which category each of these fall into…

Leah D

I am in a state of jumble . . . this issue had so many great things, my brain can’t sort the words to complement you! I beg you check with me before you post another issue, see if I, indeed have found a mind laxative to clear out the tangles, you might just put me into a comma, uh . . . . Oh no! see how bad it is functioning?

Leah, it’s always an exciting adventure when I hear from you.  Sit down, relax, take a deep breath.  It will be alright.

Marsha M

I saw that 1 of those professional sport teams were going to change their name because Indians is offensive…May I suggest the name of female pubic patches… sorry these 50 hr weeks are wearing on my brain…is there going to be a shot of common sense coming soon too….some may need more than 2 doses.

Marsha, I think you might be on to something.  The Cleveland Kotex.  Has a nice ring to it.  Nice sponsorship potential.  They could play in Panty Liner Stadium.  All the bats could come in plastic tubes.  Instead of the dugout, it could be the … nah … can’t see them announcing that over the PA.  Anyway, as a wiser man than me once said, “Common Sense isn’t common” so I wouldn’t hold my breath hoping for that to come around anytime soon.  I keep seeing stupid shit going on around me and thinking it can’t possibly get any worse and the world keeps taking my thoughts as a challenge and saying, “Oh you think that was stupid?  Hold my beer and watch this!”

Stephanie

I agree totally. It’s not healthy to work that many days with no time off. You should see if there is perhaps a way to combine a couple of classes. It’s not good to have all of your essence sucked into your personnel file.

Well, I wish there was a way to combine my classes.  Until this COVID thing passes and I can increase my class size back up to where it was, I have to continue to teach smaller classes more often.  And those classes take the same amount of time no matter how many students there are in them.  I’m going to have to get someone in there one day to video tape one of my CBRN classes.  Then go through and edit out the classified portion and the boring stuff and then develop maybe a 15 minute highlights reel or something and show you guys what I do for a living.  Nah!  You guys wouldn’t want to see that.  A couple of years ago there was a series put out by the NRA, of all people, about different career fields in the military, and one of the ones that they did was mine.  The 3E9 or 3 Echo 9.  Now the whole movie is gone, but the trailer still seems to be out there, so here is a quick look at what I do … if you want to be a little frightened for me … lol.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlQf-WDPeCU

Leah D

Oh, now you made me lonesome . . . for my brother, whose only swear word is crap and crappy!
I finally got 32 gift bags made up. and with my husband’s help, wrapped three Huge and Heavy presents for the great grandchildren. The presents left, are small enough I can wrap them alone, and believe me, that speeds construction tremendously. We are almost ready to begin delivering . . . and a state wide snowstorm arrives.

Of course it does … because that’s 2020.  That’s what I’m saying.  I don’t think 2021 is going to be any better, I’m just hoping for different.  We just gotta get out of this crappy year! (That last crappy was for you, dear Leah)

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

Again … just because it’s cool.

An awful lot of effort went into those decorations…

My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl.

Now I’m trying to figure out how he picks up the ball.

Did You Know:  If you text your boss “Go Fuck Yourself”, you don’t have to go to work anymore?

Do Not Drink and Wrap Presents

Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I’m gonna need that back.

I just released my own fragrance.

Nobody in the car seemed to like it.

Thanks to John S. for continuing to provide us with the Bozo Criminal of the Day and especially this one, with a nice Christmassy theme …

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Brooklyn, New York where La Toya Ramon went to the mall so her son could see Santa Claus. When the little boy sat down on Santa’s lap, he looked at Santa and then turned to his mom and said, “Daddy is Santa.” Sure enough, this mall Santa was Neil Ramon, her ex husband who was wanted by the cops for failure to pay child support on his son. Mrs. Ramon happened to have the court papers with her and she presented them to our bozo Santa. Santa will have to look elsewhere for income, since he was fired by the mall after getting into a shouting match with his ex and frightening the other children who were waiting to see him.

This next one is from Stephanie … of course:

ORGASM TYPES
Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the ex-vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S’moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorrogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honorgasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = Odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn’t very satisfying = There’s the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = Scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn’t make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who’s got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein’s assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms

Um … wow?  Now the big question.  What is your total of how many of those you have had?  Never mind.  I really don’t want to know.

Frozen Baby Dragon?

Is BUTTCHEEKS one word, or should I spread them apart?

I’m not sure if that’s a “good dog” or a “poor abused animal”

I’ve just seen the Batman shampoo in Walmart and I believe they are missing out on a key market by not producing a Conditioner Gordon.

Sigh…I knew this day would come.  I guess it’s time for me to step up for the good of my city, my state, by God, for the good of my country!!!

I have questions …

so…believe it or not, I did some digging and … I ended up being so disappointed.
I was SO HOPING ….
But no ….
It turns out that …

Yes, indeed.  There are places where you can get a little nookie for only $7.50, but as it turns out, it comes in a bottle and it’s only a couple of inches tall.

And with that, my friends, we’re going to leave off there and get this one sent to the printers.  Which means the next issue will be the Christmas Extravaganza!  Which should come out on Christmas Eve.  Until then my friends, may these last couple of days leading up to Christmas not be too crazy for you and may they be some of the happiest and joyous of the year. 

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Today is Friday, although you are reading this on Saturday if I get this done on time … which … shouldn’t be a problem … but every time I say that, a problem seems to pop up all on its own.  So, we’re not going to go there, because I can’t see any value added to pushing our luck here.  We’ve almost made it to the end of the year, although Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos have done their damnedest to throw something different and annoying and horrible seemingly everyday at us, we have persevered and survived.  As of the publication time of this issue, this lousy year has 12 days and 22 hours left to it.  And for this dragon at least, I will never be so glad to put a year in the rearview mirror as I will with this one.

Not that I am expecting great things out of 2021.  Quite frankly, I expect it will be just as big a piece of crap as 2020 was.  Especially with the political bullshit that I know the democrats are going to pull when they take over.  Taking away our freedoms, selling out to the “One World Order”,  making the sheeple march to the beat of the common drum.  Because most people are just blind turnips and can’t see what’s right in front of their noses… but we gotta get out of this year.  2020 has become synonymous with so many bad things that we don’t stand a chance until this year is over and done with.

Gee, this is really not how I expected, nor planned on starting today’s issue.  We REALLY need to get this moving in the opposite direction and get some fun and sunshine in here!!!   So, without further ado …

   

Okay, mistakes happen…I get it … but I’m just shaking my head here and thinking oh poor Detroit, as if you don’t have enough piled on your plate as it is now.

Undercover Cops Posing as Drug Buyers Arrested by Undercover Cops Posing as Drug Dealers

Silke Jasso, <time datetime="<span class="localtime" data-ltformat="F j, Y" data-lttime="2020-08-21T22:27:36+00:00">August 21, 2020 5:27 pm“>August 21, 2020 6:27 pmDetroit’s 12th Precinct went undercover as drug dealers so they could arrest these buyers that they had gotten information on.
Detroit’s 11th Precinct went undercover as drug buyers so they could arrest these drug dealers that they had gotten information on.The Keystone Kops couldn’t have played it better.  Here’s the article with YouTube video and my most embarrassed apologies to my brothers in the law enforcement community. https://rare.us/rare-humor/cops-undercover-mix-up/ 

You know … every now and then you come across a sign and you think to yourself, “Impish, just turn around and walk the other way.  Don’t ask questions.  Don’t get explanations.  Just leave.  Now!”

Again, I have to say … Why?  Why would you ever…?  And then I remember the Heinlein quote.

Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Florida. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, “Say, is this really a healthful place?”
“It sure is,” the cabby replied. “When I came here I couldn’t say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed.”
“That’s wonderful!” said the tourist, “How long have you been here?”
“I was born here.”

Another sign of our times … I understand that the woods aren’t always a safe place to be, but if there are predators in there, then I think it’s hunting season fellas!!!

 

Lynn asked me to send out this very special Public Service Announcement for the younger generation … So … please pardon this interruption to your regularly scheduled Dragon Laffs entertainment:

We now return you to your regularly scheduled issue … thank you for your attention during this important interruption.

Last minute addition to everyone’s Christmas list …

Kids???  Heck no!  I want one!!!

Okay, so if I call you guys and ask for bail money … don’t ask too many questions, okay?

My wife just opened my car door for me.

It would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70 mph at the time.

This one just because it’s cool

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems.  Pick one person you hate and blame them for everything.

But there are so many to choose from … Pelosi, Biden, Hillary, … never mind …

Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it actually fit!!  So proud of myself.

It was a scarf.  But still … let’s be positive here.

I sold my house this week.  I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

Keep it up, and you will be a strange smell in the attic.

Dear Stephanie sent me this picture with the subject line of: Seriously????

My reply to her was, How about: Blood of the Slow Running Villagers.  It would be perfect for all the fans of Dragons out there.

My daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

Growing old is hard work… the mind says, “Yes”, but the body says, “What the hell are you thinking?!”

1. Going to bed early.
2. Not leaving my house.
3. Not going to a party.

My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.

So, a few months ago I was on my period and my dad kept sneaking bars of chocolate under my bedroom door then ran downstairs shouting, “SATAN HAS BEEN FED …”

I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding … Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with, “Welcome back everyone.”?

I’m so old, I remember when Multiplication was called “Times Table”

Was never said by any bad guy …

If you need a friend, message me, need a laugh, call me, need a hug, stop by my house, need money, this number is no longer in service.

And let’s finish today’s issue off with a few more Christmas cartoons and then something a little special …

Yes … we truly did.  For me, the 70’s were the best time of my life.  Had the greatest music and my 67 Barracuda was the most bad ass car on the road.  And finally …

Yes … they truly do.  And may Mrs. Dragon and I look as happy when we are as taken care of.  And may all of you be as well.

Until next time dear friends.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon.

Good Morning Campers,

Well, Thursday is here.  And it looks like I may finally get a little time off.  It seems President Trump has given us Federal employees an extra holiday bonus this year and given us Christmas eve as a Federal Holiday.  That’s a wonderful thing.  Presidents Obama and Clinton, when Christmas Day fell on a Friday, gave us poor Federal employees half a day off on Thursday, so by my math, that makes President Trump twice the president that Obama or Clinton was. 

And if you use old math and not the new math that the kids are using, you’ll find that President Trump is at least twice the President that Obama and Clinton were added together.  I can even express it mathematically. 

Trump ≥ 2(Obama + Clinton)

And that, my dear campers, is old school math.

As Christmas gets closer and closer I am trying harder and harder to get into the spirit of the season.  But, it’s really hard this year, as I know it is for a lot of you guys as well.  I am going to lean heavily on you, my beloved friends, family, and fellow campers to get through this with a smile on our faces.  It’s important, if not for us, then for others who rely on us.

So, with that in mind, let’s start this issue rolling …

Okay, so maybe that’s not the best way to start this issue with a smile, but COME ON!  You have to be a blind turnip to not see the shit that is going on in our country right now!  And for them to tell us to just shut up and take it is wrong!

 

Of course you haven’t…because you’re all bought and paid for.  You’re all blind turnips.  Which is now the official Dragon Laffs Logo for anyone who refuses to see the truth. 

Suitable for framing…

Can also be used just as a logo …

And yes, my dear friends, feel free to copy it and paste it anywhere you like… or ignore it and never use it again.  But personally, I think it’s perfect for all the fucking lemmings out there who are blindly following along with the pack. 

Anyway … we need more laughter!!!

Tom J sent me this really great old joke that I thought I’d share with you guys along with his little note that went along with it.

Hi Impish, I don’t know what made me think of this but I did. It’s old for me and I’m an old fart anyway. Could be that some of the younger ones haven’t heard about this poor old Italian who had a hard time at his hotel.

An Italian’s Tale

I’ma come here to a hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waiter I wanna two piss toast. He bringa me only onea piss. I tella him I wanna two piss–he say, “Go to the toilet.” I say, “You no unnerstan’. I wanna two piss ona my plate.” He say, “You better no piss ona DA plate you sonna ma bitch.” I don’t even know the man and he calla me sonna ma bitch!!

Later, I go to eata soma dinner at another restaurant. The waitress bringa spoon, Ana knife, but no fock. I say, “I wanna fock.” She tella me everbody wanna fock. I say, “You no unnerstan’. I wanna fock on the table.” She say, “You better not fock on the table you sonna ma bitch.” I don’t even know the woman an’ she calla me sonna ma bitch!

So I go back to my hotel, an’ there’s no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager an’ tell him I wanna sheet on the bed. He say, “You better not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch.” I don’t even know the man an’ he calla me sonna ma bitch!

So I go to check out and the man at the desk, he say, “Peace to you.” I say, “Piss onna you too you sonna ma bitch!!” I go back to Italy!

I don’t know…sounds like all the guys I used to go to school with.

I know, right?  The naughty list is now the, “Hey, let’s try this.” List.  Right, Stephanie?  Where’s Stephanie?

And the funny thing is … the very next email I open up from Stephanie says, and I quote:

I wish I lacked critical thinking skills.  Y’all seem so happy.

Wow!  Thanks, I needed that.

Here’s another oldie but goodie …

A man in Denver, CO. decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read “$10,000 a minute.” Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, Green Bay, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and got the same answer from each pastor.. Finally, he arrived in Texas . Upon entering a church in Fort Worth, Tx., behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read “Calls: 25 cents. Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. “Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?” The pastor, smiling, replied, “Son, you’re in Texas now. This is God’s country…it’s a local call.”

From the top of the roof
To the top of the wall
Now dash away,
Dash away,
Dash away, all
Yes, even dragons like to reenact …

All I want for Christmas is to be off the car warranty call list.

This is wrong!  Why are we not shouting this from the roof tops?!

“Make Them Pay”: Michigan State Rep. Cynthia Johnson Instructs “Soldiers” to Go After Trump Supporters

by Patriot Outlook about an hour ago

The party of unity is putting out calls for “soldiers” to make Trump supporters pay for not signing on, mind, body, and soul to the Democratic agenda.

As first reported by the Daily Caller, Democrat Michigan State Rep. Cynthia Johnson took to Facebook live and began rallying what she calls “soldiers” to action against Trump supporters, with the agenda item being “make them pay.”

“So this is just a warning to you Trumpers. Be careful, walk lightly, we ain’t playing with you,” said Jones. “Enough of the shenanigans. Enough is enough. And for those of you who are soldiers, you know how to do it. Do it right, be in order, make them pay.”

According to the Daily Caller, Johnson did not respond to questions about her video.

Going to Johnson’s Facebook page where the video is currently displayed, you’ll notice that comments were turned off for the post and the only ones that were allowed to remain were posts cheering her on.

This can’t be interpreted as anything but a call to violence against Trump supporters. It’s a threat that Democrats should be forced to answer for, especially Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, who have been attempting to spread the idea of “unity” between the parties.

This, once again, proves that the idea of “unity” among the Democrats isn’t the unity one would typically think of, where two different sides come together out of mutual respect and willingness to cooperate. This is “unity” in the same way the borg want “unity.”

Biden and Harris should be made to answer for this. If the shoe was on the other foot, the mainstream media would be screeching from every working speaker and television screen about the violence and danger of Trump supporters, yet they’re quiet as church mice and continue to push the idea that the Democrats only what peace and togetherness as they “heal” this nation.

This isn’t pushing for healing. This is pushing for something that looks an awful lot like civil war.

This is CRAP!  I want to know why no one in the media is saying anything about this!  Because Patriot Outlook is absolutely right.  If this shoe was on the other foot the lame stream media would be screaming from every fucking rooftop! You know it, I know, and by GOD they know it too!  And why are we, the AMERICAN DAMN PUBLIC not holding them accountable!?  Cynthia Johnson, you should be ashamed of yourself!  To call yourself a State Representative!  You represent ALL of your people!  Not calling out half of them to go to war on the other half!  What kind of bullshit is that!  And Biden and Harris?  If you don’t call this Bitch out, then you are just as complicit in her bullshit as she is!  I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU TO BE A GROWN UP AND STAND UP AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.  You are supposed to be the “President and Vice-President Elect” (sarcasm added).  ACT LIKE IT!

Okay … I’m sorry I veered off track, it’s been a really crappy day for me and this essay  from Patriot Outlook really set me off.  We had our first real snowfall today and I slid off and hit a fucking light indicator pole on my way into the base this morning.  Before anyone gets too upset, there was no damage to me or the car and I just bent the little pole over at an angle, but the fucking paperwork and red tape when you damage government property is ridiculous!  Plus the overwhelming embarrassment of having a 3 mph accident and having to report to everyone about it … well … let’s just say … I’VE HAD A CRAPPY DAY!!  Just added to a crappy week, and a crappy month and a crappy … well … you get the idea.

So, on with the laughter…

You guys have your “Alexia” devices that answers your questions and acts as an electronic servant.  I have Harvey … and he’s a little more … flexible than Alexia is.

If you have baby fever, take a nap.

If you enjoyed the nap, don’t have another baby.

I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables, but when I get home they’re just regular donuts.

Yeah … I know, we’ve seen these before I think, but they were all attached, so it’s actually all one picture.

Yup, that one, too…so I’ll give you a few more.

You guys think 2020 is bad?

Just wait until it turns 21 and it starts drinking!

I spent hours making a beautiful cake for my friend.  She asked what kind of cake it was and looked at me in absolute horror when I told her it was a hummingbird cake.

“But I’m a vegetarian!” she screamed at me.

I didn’t bother to explain.  Took my cake and left.

And with that very lovely Christmas photo, I’ve got to call it quits for today.  still have work in the morning.  May you all have a much better day than I have had and make it full of laughter.

Cheers!

Good Morning Campers,

Christmas time is coming and although it’s going to be quite a small one here at the Dragon household, I am still trying my very best to get into the Christmas spirit.  Today is Sunday, I just spent all day yesterday working my tail off teaching a very full CBRN class and I’m not saying I had some surprise students show up … but I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves.  We were able to get some old style masks to fit the reindeer.  Believe it or not, the hardest part was trying to find all those xtra-small suits to fit the elves! And no, before you ask, I didn’t have any trouble at all keeping order in my classroom.  Any of you who know me, or have been in any of my classes before know that is not, and never has been an issue.

I spent the morning with Izzy Dragon doing some Christmas shopping for Mrs. Dragon.  I think she probably did a little for me, too.  She did wonder off on her own for a bit. 

So, for the rest of the day, I’m going to sit here, relax, and get this issue knocked out for you guys.  I hope you find it enjoyable.

 

I don’t know … if you’ve got boys for grandkids and can make some sort of murdery scene out of them, they’d probably get a kick out of it.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in South Plympton, Australia. The cops were called to a report of a prowler at a building site. When they arrived, they cordoned off the area and brought in a K-9 patrol. After initially finding nothing, the cops noticed something strange. A statue that seemed to be out of place. Further investigation found that the statue seemed to be breathing. Yep, our bozo had hidden in plain sight by pretending to be a statue. He’s busted! Charged with criminal trespass.

I actually also heard this one on Bob and Sheri’s moron of the day recently.  Very funny and takes a lot of balls to try and pull off.  Makes me wonder how the dogs didn’t pick up on it.

My favorite Christmas Tree pick so far.

The Tank Isn’t the Only Thing Empty Here

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Blair County, Pennsylvania. Let’s follow along in this Bozo Timeline. One: Steal a gray Audi SUV. Check. Two: Take off on Route 22 but fail to check the vehicle’s gas gauge. Uh, check. Three: Coast to a stop on the side of the road and call, not AAA, not a tow truck, but instead the state police to ask for help. Check. Four: Go to jail after the cop arrives and determines the vehicle is stolen. Check and busted!

Many, many of which are not going to be home this year for the holidays.  I actually know a guy who is shipping out the day after Christmas…and he considers himself fortunate that he gets to spend Christmas day at home with his family.  Let’s all take a minute or two this holiday season to drop a quick prayer and word of thanks for the men and women who are out there protecting our freedom.  Those men and women who have put their asses on the line for you and I and for what?  For crappy pay, shitty hours, terrible living conditions, and being away from their families. For the sole benefit and joy of being able to put their skin and bones between us and the evil that exists in this world right now.  Thank you my brothers and sisters for your service and dedication.

Did You Know:  The largest modern turtle ever recorded was a leatherback turtle that washed up on Harlech Beach, Wales, in 1988.  It was estimated to be 100 years old, was almost 9 feet in length, and weighted 2,016 pounds!

Just for comparison purposes … and I looked it up … that is a little more than 2/3 the size of a VW Beetle!  Which is about 13 feet long and about 3,000 pounds!  Can you imagine finding a turtle on the beach close to the same size as a friggin’ car!!!!

I’m not sure if I’ve used that cartoon before or if I’ve just gotten it from so many people and it’s finally gotten it’s way into rotation.  But, just to be sure and because it’s so funny, I used it again.

And if it’s a repeat, it’s funny, so there!

I took Mrs. Dragon on a winter holiday one year.  She likes the cold weather, it allows her hot-bloodedness to come out.

I’m going with – Not so much.  I’m also going with – pissed off at whoever took the picture instead of stopping the kids from filling the gas tank with water.

I knew those damn things grew on trees!  There’s just too damn many of them for any other logical explanation.

It’s December!  The time of year we can wear cozy clothes and stay in.  Like the other 11 months of 2020 but more festive.

I think I just heard that one lady on Facebook have a heart attack.

We tried that, Sweetheart, remember?  And you kept screaming, “How the hell did you get in my house!”  So, it didn’t work out anywhere near like you hoped it would.

We are not all in the same boat.  We are all in the same storm.  Some have yachts, some canoes, and some are drowning.  Just be kind and help whomever you can.

And that doesn’t mean just COVID-19, or even 2020.  This has been a rough couple of years for me, as many of you know and many of you have reached out a helping hand and have extended out a loving word and and kind prayers to me and my family.  And that is what family is all about.  Many of you have told me that Dragon Laffs is one of the few things that is helping you get through the day and that is one of the motivations that I have to keep going.  Not that I need a motivation to keep going because I love doing this as much as I think most of you love reading it, but you understand what I’m saying.

Help others whenever you can.  Even if it’s like the guy this morning who cut Izzy Dragon and I off on the way into the parking lot and then went the wrong way on the one-way road.  When I blasted my horn at him and gave him the finger, I felt like I was helping him out by showing him the error of his ways.  And when I saw where he parked and watched him go into the store, and walked around to the far side of his car and let the air out of two of his tires, I know I was teaching him a valuable lesson in humility and good manners, because when we came out of the store and he was gazing up at the sky and speaking with God, I knew I had made my point.  But, just to be sure, I pulled past him in my car, rolled down my window and asked him if everything was all right.  He told me he had two flat tires.  I said, “Huh!  That’s very surprising.  They didn’t look flat when you cut us off and drove like a jackass pulling into the parking lot.  Well, good luck to you.”  And the young man looked quite contrite as Izzy and I drove home.  So yes, I do believe I helped that young man out.

And I think all of you understand that that is NOT the kind of help we are really talking about when we say, “Just be kind and help whomever you can.”

Don’t forget to get your hair done first you bitch.

We had this ref at out last dart tournament who was just so full of himself I had to take a picture and share it with you guys. 

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead, she’s a the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel!

I know what women want!!

They want you to drag them to the bedroom, throw them on the bed, and clean the dirty dishes while they take a nap.

And if you don’t get how adorably cute this one is, you’re way to friggin’ young!

Okay, let’s read some mail, shall we?

Here’s one from our dear friend Leah …

Leah D.

Ok, you have me totally worried now! Yes, I am concerned for your physical and mental health, having to work so many days and hours. But what really worries me, is, if you train people people how to survive biological warfare . . . and recently, a new, unknown, sickness hit India . . . what is it you aren’t telling us?

Maybe you should be teaching how to survive fear mongering!

Leah, dear, don’t you think that if there was anything at all to worry about that I’d tell you?  —– Okay, let me ask that another way —– Don’t you think that if there was anything to worry about that I could tell you? —– Okay, that didn’t sound any better, did it?  —– Why do you think Santa, his elves, and reindeer were in my class this Saturday?  —– Okay, that’s not good either.  Leah, I can neither confirm nor deny that there is anything at all to worry about at this time.  How’s that?

Okay, moving on.  No more letters.  No more.

But here is a PSA … A Public Service Announcement from our own Dear Stephanie:

Thanks Steph … that was … um … something.

Now that’s a bookshelf!!!  I know what I’m asking Santa for!!!

Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  Santa!  While you’re bringing me stuff …. I want this too!!!!

Headline:  Alabama Man Gets Sister Pregnant After Unknowingly Having Sex With Her During “Furry” Party.
Stephanie, where the hell do you find these things?

My God, that is the perfect answer …

There was a picture in my phone of me sleeping.

I live alone.

No kidding.

Some people will only love you as long as you fit in their box.

Don’t be afraid to shove that box up their ass.

I had my patience tested — I’m negative!!!

Ladies, if you come across a man who is smart, humble, well educated, financially secure, passionate, patient, mind-blowing in bed, hot, great at fixing things around the house, can cook, love you like he can never get enough of you, and listens to every word you say …

Then please be assured that the shit you are smoking is of superior quality.

If you message me and I don’t respond, please assume I saw something shiny and forgot about what I was doing.

And I’m thinking … that’s not a bad price …

And I think that is just the right sentiment to end today’s episode on.  Tune in on Thursday for the next exciting installment of Dragon Laffs and see where our heroes end up.

Love and Happiness to you all.

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Saturday Morning … or it should be if this gets published on the day it’s supposed to be published.  Hopefully, I’ll have enough time between now and then to do just that.  As you may have noticed, my life is a teeny bit busy and crazy right now.  I think every one is trying to get a month’s worth of work done in two weeks so that they can take time off over the holidays.  If so, they are doing it at the expense of everyone else.  I guess that’s natural…if a little self-centered.  And with everyone doing it to everyone else, it’s really not accomplishing shit. 

Then there’s me … NOT pushing my work off on anyone else.  In fact, I’ve got one guy teleworking and the other guy is home sick.  So, I’m effectively a one-man shop right now.  Yeah, the proverbial one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. 

But, I love my job.

If I keep saying it often enough and loud enough, I’ll keep believing it.  I do believe it right now.  It’s a very interesting job.  Some days more interesting than others.  And some days really make me go hmmm. 

But, enough about me and my woes.  This is the show about you!  And what a show we have for you today!  Let’s tell them what they’ve won, Johnny!

Thanks, Impish!  Today, for our fine Campers we have the same stuff we always have to make them laugh, plus some really great comments on the NFL, and … hell, I don’t know, you didn’t prep me for this at all. 

Thanks Johnny!  Another great job, as always!

Kiss my ass, Impish.

And with that … let’s move on to the good stuff.

Never underestimate your ability to overestimate your ability. 

The father was very proud when his son went off to college.
He came to tour the school on Parents’ Day and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab.
“What are you working on?” he asked.
“A universal solvent,” explained the son, ” a solvent that’ll dissolve anything.”
The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, “What’ll you keep it in?”

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, “I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!”
“Oh NO! I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive.”
“I also heard that you’ve been calling me fat?!?”
“Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are.”
“I’ve also heard that you’re saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!”
“Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!”

Send resumes to impishdragon@gmail.com

This one really cracked me up.  And if you don’t get it, you’re really young.

Have you ever woken up, kissed the person beside you and thanked the Lord you’re alive?  I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.

My wife is so much better looking than me, that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries …

Okay, so this is funny to everyone in my career field …

And I had four of these guys in my class last week …

My husband just informed me that he will be doing nothing today as he works hard all week and deserves a day to do nothing.

—- in case you’re wondering why I need bail money.

School was interesting for a young dragon …

So, you guys remember the request I had to come up with a new meaning for NFL … I’m still hoping for a few more inputs, but this is what I’ve got so far:

Cynical John

Don’t have anything for the NFL, but I think the Washington team ought to change its name to the “Washington Team–Football.” Then we could just say WTF,

ROFLMAO!  That’s perfect!

Marsha M

Just a thought for your NFL…
Nother F..king Looser….you can fill in the dots as U C fit. Enjoy your stuff we think a like…scares me a little how about you?

I LIKE IT!  No.  I LOVE IT!  It’s perfect.  A female who thinks like I do?  Doesn’t scare me a little, it scares the hell out of me.  So, send me your resume, prison record, and mug shot and we’ll talk.

And then I also got this one from our dear fellow camper Leah …

Leah D

“The Book” of which you speak, is the ONLY one I have ever read, that the movie was just as good, or better than. The actors were perfect for the characters. My favorite part was the poison . . . I still try to reason it out.
NFL . . . have to reason on that one too!

My dear Leah, I agree with you 100%  I know that there have been other movies that have been as good as the books they were based on … I just can’t think of any off the top of my head.  But that one sure was.

My Aunty Suzy … she works for the Collections Department at a Loan Company.  She’s very good at her job.

Hell yes I want one!

From a school Sex Ed Class:  One kid in my class asked if you could get STDs from having sex with a chicken.  Kind of put him on the spot and was a little suspicious…

I gotta wonder where Stephanie keeps getting these weird things …

I ran out of coffee this morning.

Tequila Jameson seemed a reasonable replacement.

Everyone is so pretty today.

From a School Sex Ed Class:  (Again from Stephanie)  There was a kid in class who raised his hand and asked, “What’s it called when girls spray out that liquid during sex?”  The teacher responded, “Girls don’t do that.” He said, “Trust me, it’s real.  I’ve seen it a bunch of times in videos.”  She never responded.  That was sixth grade.

Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, “Notice anything different?”

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought dogs are easily amused.  Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.

Notice to all female campers and Dragon Laffs Readers:  Please stop asking Santa for the perfect man … three times he’s tried to kidnap me this week.  Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

Behind every angry woman, stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Dan T sent me this picture with this comment: 

Dear Mr. Dragon,

I saw this pic and thought you might enjoy it 🙂

All best,
Dan

Yes Dan … that is WAY COOL!  I would definitely enjoy that ride.  Looks to me like it is age appropriate as well.

They say life is too short to hold grudges.

I think life is too short to be letting people get away with the same shit.

Is it rude to toss a Xanax in someone’s mouth while they’re talking?

You’re dust, and you will return to dust …

That’s why I do not dust, it could be someone I know.

Despite the old saying, “Don’t take your troubles to bed”, many women still sleep with their husbands.

A married man takes his girl friend on a date.  In a playful and romantic conversation in the restaurant with the girl friend, he says to her, “Let me hear words that will increase my heartbeat.”

She says, “Your wife is sitting behind us.”

Stop petting my peeves!

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED …

That people won’t take the time to look up important information, but they’ll spend 15 minutes taking a quiz to find out what kind of potato they are?

Josh got this quick note from John S.  Thought I’d share it with you guys before we had to quit for the night:

I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it’s now okay for me to share that I volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. It is in 6 different stages and I received my first dose at 6:20 this morning and I wanted to let you all know that it is totally safe and I’m ok, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι я чувю себя немного стрно и я думю, что вытл осные уши. чувству себя немго страо.

Comrades

Sent from my iPhone

Okay brother John, we’re rooting for you.  And will keep you in our prayers … um … Comrade.

If your cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra.

And that’s going to do it for today my friends.  I had a wonderful time and while you are having a wonderful time reading through this, I’ll be teaching another class trying to get ahead for the Christmas holiday.

May you have a joyous weekend.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon.