Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Okay, I just heard it all … on a commercial on TV … on a National channel … for some stupid product and they actually said, “not for use for those people who were assigned female at birth.”   ASSIGNED FEMALE AT BIRTH.  Assigned female at birth?  Um … you mean, women?  Or girls? Or females?  Assigned female at birth…oh for crying out loud. 

Now listen, what someone wants to become when they grow up is completely up to them, but what they are born as is completely up to God.  It’s not an assignment, it’s what you are.

Never mind.  I’m just going to get pissed off about this when there are so many other things to get pissed off at that are happening to me in my every day life.

Biden is going to FORCE the members of the military to get the vaccine … a vaccine that is NOT FDA approved.  Now, I don’t care how you personally feel about this stupid shot, for a disease that has less of a fatality rate then the seasonal flu, that we are, as a country, jumping through our asses over; that is YOUR opinion and you are most certainly entitled to YOUR opinion, but many years ago, back in the 1970’s as a matter of fact, the Supreme Court decided that the President COULD NOT make the military take an injection that was NOT FDA approved.  It’s already been decided.  Done deal.  And now, our current administration is trying it’s best to go AROUND the law to make it happen.  Stating some emergency that doesn’t really exist.

We need to ask WHY!

What is so damn important?

Why are we so damn insistent on doing this now?  Let’s let the FDA do their job.  From what I can see, they are one of the few federal agencies that actually do what they are supposed to do … somewhat.

What is so important now?  Yes, COVID cases are on the rise.  But you know what’s not on the rise?  COVID deaths.  I know.  I track the numbers for Indiana every single day.  So … why are we so excited about this?  I could see if this was killing people, but it’s not.  More people are dying in traffic accidents, are they going to take our cars away next?

IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE! 

Or maybe it’s just me … am I the only one asking questions?  Man, I hope not.

I was so drunk last night, the police pulled somebody over on TV and I put my beer under the sofa.

We used to experiment by launching monkeys into space.  Now, we use CEOs.

Progress.

You women may be surprised to learn, that making us sleep on the couch isn’t that bad.

It’s kinda manly.

Makes us feel like we are camping …

With a really angry bear near by.

 

I’m having salad for dinner.

Actually fruit salad.

Well, mostly grapes.

Okay, all grapes.

Fermented grapes.

Wine.

I’m having wine for dinner.

There is always one sure way to keep a dragon calm and friendly … be a good story teller.

My wife left me last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back.

It’s not too bad.  I’m coping.  I’ve been using that powdered stuff in my coffee …

Wife:  Did I get fat during quarantine?

Husband:  You weren’t really skinny to begin with!

Time of death:  11:00 pm

Cause:  COVID

This is what a snail drinking from a bubble looks like.

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow, she’s been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.  So I’ve bought her a magazine rack.

“Hey Dragon Boy, need a ride?”

NICE!!!!

Okay, so like I said last time, it’s time to pay the bills.  I’d appreciate any donations you guys can make to help me with the Word Press bill to keep this ezine free.  I have been getting A LOT of email traffic trying to get me to put Dragon Laffs behind a pay wall or to put advertising on my site and I have resisted for over 15 years.  The advertising or promoting I’ve done, I’ve done for purely personal reasons, like the fine folks from Combat Cookies and things like that.  And I’ve been able to do that because every year when the bills come due, you guys help me out and together we get the bills paid and together we’ve made this site a little better every year … at least, I think it’s become better every year.  Maybe not.  Maybe you may not think so.  But the fact that we raised so much money for the Security Forces lady and you guys helped me out last year … I like to think so.

Anyway, we’ve already had one donation and I’d like to thank Richard E. for the first donation of this season.  Thank you, sir for your very generous and kind gift. 

Every little bit helps.  Give that next cup of coffee to Impish.

Thanks fellow campers and now let’s get back to the laughs.

 

Each Section Has 10% Of The World’s Population

I know we’ve seen this in one form or another many times, but it is worth repeating over and over again until the idiots understand …

If plastic water bottles are okay, but plastic bags are banned, you might live in a nation (state) that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots . 

 
If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If an 80-year-old woman who is confined to a wheelchair or a three-year-old girl can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, timeshares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you more “safe” according to the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
 
THINK BEFORE YOU VOTE IN ALL UPCOMING [Mid-Term] ELECTIONS.  MOST OF THE IDIOTS RUNNING THIS COUNTRY SAY ONE THING AND DO THE OPPOSITE KNOWING THAT THE PEOPLE WHO VOTED THEM IN DO NOT PAY ATTENTION.
 
 
LET’S SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT!!!
 
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.
 
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
 
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.
 
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
 
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN .
 
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
 
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
 
IF YOU CROSS [INTO] THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET …….
A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, WELFARE, FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH CARE, A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON, BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE, THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY’S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON’T GET ENOUGH RESPECT AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.
 
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION !!!
 
 
IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP AMERICA!!!!

Sadly, I think most of America is sound asleep.

I think now is a good time to jump right into these…

Modern Olympic games were formed to create a common ground of peace without politics!

GOT THAT ACTIVIST GWEN BERRY?

The US government has accidentally lost 32 nuclear weapons since 1950…many of them never even recovered.

Imagine them having the audacity to tell you that you’re not responsible enough to own an AR-15!

Get some roosters for eggs and raise some bulls for milk…

Then you’ll see that gender matters.

Especially at milking time.

Okay, how about this?

No more billionaires.  None.

After you reach $999 million, every red cent after goes to schools and health care.

You get a trophy that says, “I Won Capitalism” and we name a dog park after you.

If you want to understand any problem in America, you need to focus on who profits from that problem, not who suffers from the problem.

Why do we still have a COVID Pandemic?  Because the drug manufacturers are making WAY too much money on unnecessary vaccines.  When you really look at the numbers, COVID has a fatality rate that is FAR lower than the flu.  We haven’t jumped through this many hoops for the flu.  Mark my words when it is decided that we will need a third booster shot for the vaccine…because they made so much money off the first two.  Write it down.  I’m a dragon prophet.

Amen Baby!!!

If you want to know how long the war on COVID will last, just look at the war on drugs and the war on terror.

No kidding…that’s why ain’t nothin’ gonna kill this dragon!!!

And I really, really don’t understand why more people aren’t mad as hell!

Or knell during the playing of our National Anthem.  Why are you representing our country in the Olympics if you are going to protest our country during the Olympics.  You moronic hypocrite!

When I was working 4 jobs to make ends meet (because that’s what a man does to support his family) one of them was working in the county jail as a jailer.  And it annoyed the living SHIT out of me that the inmates in the county jail had better TV cable service than I was able to afford as the one who was watching over them.

And we were authorized WIC for our baby girl (Izzy Dragon) and I turned it down, because we were making ends meet and I felt it should be left for someone who wasn’t able to make ends meet and the WIC lady looked at me like I was committing a mortal sin.  But, I was raised that a man didn’t take things from other people that he didn’t work for if he didn’t need them.

Get your relatives speaking to each other again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Dusted once.

It came back.

Not falling for that again.

Pure Genius!

“Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?”

“This is Alexa.”

And that’s it my friends.  Pop up top and drop me a donation.  Then go and have a wonderful day.  I’ll be at work.  My next day off is sometime in September I think … we are doing a big exercise this month.  I’ll take pictures and try to include some in my next issue.

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Well, I hope it’s a better morning for you, then it is for me.  It’s been a tough week.  Mrs. Dragon has taken a turn … not necessarily for the worse, but a turn, none-the-less and she has kept me a bit busy.

And work…work has been a complete and total pain in the tail.  And you know that dragons have very large tails, so therefore, a very large pain.  Not really in a bad way, just in a “you gots lots and lots of work to do cowboy” way.

And Izzy Dragon … and that’s another whole ball of gnomes.

I need a tall glass of Jameson on the rocks and some time off.  Sadly, the time off won’t come for about three weeks.  And you guys won’t get an issue today.  I’m sorry for that, but this stuff happens.

And worse than all that … and after all you guys have done for me … I just got the warning from Word Press, it’s that time of year again, I’m going to soon ask you guys for donations.  Yeah, with no issue today and you guys just ponying up for our Security Forces Lady, here I am asking again, and if we don’t raise much this year, after everything you guys have done, I’ll completely understand, but … it is that time, so I’ll be asking.

Anyway, a couple of fast memes to send me out this out the door and me off to bed.

If more people would learn that lesson, think how wonderful this world would be!!

 

And this…this is it.  Until Saturday dear friends.

Cheers.

Impish

Good Morning Campers,

Well, we definitely have lots of corn here in Indiana and it is a bumper crop this year!  Lots of rain, lots of sun, I don’t believe I have seen it as high as this, by the first of August.  Now, I’m not a farmer.  I’m a city dragon, but I’ve heard that the corn is supposed to be “knee high by the 4th of July”, but I swear it was over my head by the end of July.

Anyway, I don’t know why I decided to talk about that first thing today, maybe because last night I had a deer jump out in front of me from the corn and it was still on my mind this morning or something else.  But, all is well.  The deer got away safely and I got away with just a mild heart attack.

So, today is going to be mostly about me offering you guys up some laughs in preparation for going back to work tomorrow, so what do you say we just get to that part of the fun, shall we?  I agree, I think that’s a wonderful idea.

I am at the end of one list of pictures, so there is going to be a bit of a … well … you’ll probably see by the end of this issue … issue …

I’ve made some terrible life choices over the years …

Just kidding.  I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

Okay, I gotta agree with Pete on this one. 

Never mind that it works, I want to know who the guy was that needed to know that……and WHY!!!!!

I’m with ya Pete.  And you know it was probably some government study that threw thousands, if not millions of dollars at it.

The short answer is NO.

The long answer is OH FUCK NO.

Please see the long answer!

A day without coffee is like …

 

Just kidding,     I have no idea!

“You need to quiet down out here!  I’m trying to get some sleep!”

Okay, so here’s a new category that is probably way overdue…

Thanks to Leah D for sending this one in.  And having spent a couple of years as a Mormon I had to include this, even though it is past the date.  Yes, I’ve been about everything religiously, which gives me my unique perspective on things.  Anyway, July 24th is a big celebration in Utah called Pioneer Days with parades and stuff about when the Mormons came west or some such.  But this is the part that I had no idea about …

Pie & Beer Day — a play on “Pioneer Day”

The so-called “counterculture response” to Pioneer Day takes place each July 24. It’s the same day as the state holiday that commemorates the Mormon pioneers’ arrival into the Salt Lake Valley in 1847.

In what’s turning into a Utah summertime staple for a certain segment of the population, Pie & Beer Day pairs many forms of pie — pizza, apple, key lime, quiche, maybe even chicken pot — with beer.

‘Pie and Beer Day’ celebration cancelled due to uptick in Salt Lake’s COVID-19 cases

Well, it’s a real shame it’s been cancelled … but I’ll bet there were a lot of private celebrations going on anyway.

“Does this dress make me look fat?”

Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.

One of them says, “I gotta admit I’m scared out here.”

The other replies, “You’re scared…I gotta walk back alone!”

If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced.  This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self-importance.

Many people would be scared if they saw in the mirror, not their face, but their character.

The Biggest Non-Government Employer in Each State

This is how Mt. Fuji cuts through the clouds.

And that’s it for this really strange episode my friends.  I hope you had a laugh.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It just occurred to me, that I was supposed to go back and write a beginning to last issue’s start … and didn’t.  So, there’s one sentence to start it, lol.  Let’s see if we can’t do a bit of a better job with this one.

So, I’ve gotten a couple of messages from fellow campers over the last couple of days that we can share.  Here’s one of them:

Stephanie says: 

Thank you for the birthday wishes my dear friend. I made it to 65!!!!!!!!!
I could draw social security, if I wasn’t already, but just a couple years younger than myself are asked to wait till 70 to draw. With the average life span being 78 and you paying taxes since age 18, that gives the thieves, sorry, congressional slugs 52 years of your taxes to squander for votes.

You are quite welcome dear lady and yeah, I could retire but I’m waiting for Social Security and Medicare … a couple of more years.  I can’t wait.  Yeah, we work our asses off for 50 years so we can get our own money back for ten or maybe twenty, if we are lucky.

But, now … it’s time to laugh.

I’m not particularly interested, but it might be for some people…

Yeah … that’s about right.

The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid, because nobody would ever be able to find it.

Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger’s leg you can hear them say:

What the fuck are you doing?

We don’t know what the rest of this text is about, and it doesn’t matter because this student automatically deserves an A+.

This student somehow managed to include the lyrics to “Never Gonna Give You Up” in his paper in the most genius way. We hope their teacher noticed when they were grading it. 

This paper could have completely false information, and we wouldn’t even care because it is genius in other ways. Once you see the lyrics, it’s hard to focus on anything else in the essay.

It’s a marvelous night for a moon dance

There was a young fellow from Perth.

Who was born on the day of his birth.

He was married they say,

On his wife’s wedding day,

And he died on his last day on earth.

A giraffe’s coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat.  Ever think about that?  No.  You only think about yourself.

“You can’t hold me, lawman!”

Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit.  That’s why it’s called SIGNIFICANT other.

Sign/if/I/can’t.

Follow me for more marriage tips.

You can walk around Walmart eating grapes and nobody will bother you.

But as soon as you pop open a beer … here comes security.

This is what the turquoise ice formations on Lake Baikal, Russia look like.

50 Percent Of Canadians Live South Of The Red Line

I LOVE THAT MUG!

Our dear friend and fellow camper Pete has this to say about wearing MOPP gear.

I’d pretty much be willing to drive up there if you have a suit to fit me…..

Brother Pete, I have suits to fit, every body!

Trish G has a submission in our Florida Man contest:

Florida man:
Half-Nude Florida Man Wearing Underwear Marked “Breathalyzer, Blow Here” Arrested for DUI
He also had condoms strewn throughout the vehicle…and binoculars on the passenger’s seat.

Okay, and we have a contender!  At least for a good laugh!  Thanks Trish.

And Donnie send this one in:

A Florida man has been charged with arson after police say he screamed about vampires before intentionally setting his own house on fire while a woman was inside.

Not anywhere near your league, Imp, but humorous nevertheless.

Thanks Donnie, another good one.  Vampires can be a real pain in the neck.  I know a few nice ones, but mostly they are a bit stuck up.

And that’s it my friends.  Love and happiness to you all.  Be well, and laugh!

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning My Dear Campers,

It’s Thursday and it’s been a long week.

 

 

Did you hear about the middle school that voted to change their mascot? It was an agricultural area, but they wanted to be progressive and offer a female mascot. So, they had three choices, a female sheep, a female goat, and a female deer.

After a long campaign, a series of debates, and a day of students voting yes or no on each, the principal stood before his students and announced that, in a unanimous vote, the new school mascot would be a female sheep.

It seems that even after all the campaigning, debate, and division, the student body only had Ayes for Ewe.

Okay, we have a new entry in the Florida Man Birthday contest … This one is from Joe L and his is from April 3rd and it reads like this: Florida authorities claim a man stabbed his ex-girlfriend with a sword and then hit her with his truck.

But, brother Joe was kind enough to send us the whole story … so there’s more!

The Citrus County Sheriff’s Office said in a press release that MPs found 42-year-old Brandi Blevins dead in her front yard on Sunday evening.

Detectives said 41-year-old Eric Huffman stabbed Blevins to death with a large sword. The sheriff’s office said a witness told them that after Huffman stabbed Blevins to death, he jumped in his truck and ran over the victim before crashing into a tree. He escaped, but was later captured. It was unclear what exactly killed Blevins.

Huffman is charged with premeditated murder and aggravated assault with deadly weapons. He’s in jail without bail.

Not bad Joe.  Not sure if it beats mine or not, but I’m going to give it points, just the same.  What are we talking about?  Why, the great Google Florida Man Challenge!  Go to Google, type in Florida man and your birthday, just month and day, and see what pops up!  Just to see how crazy it is!  And you, too can be featured here in Dragon Laffs!

The first rule of “Condescending Club” is really kinda complex and I don’t think you’d understand it even if I explained it to you.

The guy at the furniture store told me the sofa would seat 5 people without any problems.

Then it occurred to me, I don’t think I know 5 people without any problems.

That’s going to be one hell of a ride!

“You shall not pass!”

“Wanna Bet!”

People think I am crazy because I talk to my chickens …

What am I suppose to do when they ask me things?  Ignore them?

Our brother and fellow camper, Sasquatch sent in a question:

I have a question.

I just read that Pelosi wants to remove all of the old useless relics of a bygone era immediately removed from the Capitol Building grounds!

Is she resigning?

Just asking.

Oh help me, help me!  I need rescuing!

The States In Blue Have A Smaller Population Than Los Angeles County (in Red)

Which is the best argument I can think of for the electoral college.

When someone tells you, “pick a card, any card” …

… take their VISA.

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise …

But that was 4 hours ago … when I was younger and full of hope.

She said she missed me.  Normally that would be a good thing.  But she’s reloading.

Um…that kinda sucks.

Me:  Welcome to my she shed.

Gynecologist:  Please stop calling it that.

Okay, read this one first…

Maybe not…but since I do own several of these…

Since this is what I teach, we have (jokingly) thought about going into the local grocery store dressed like this … or walking into one of the neighborhoods with a clipboard and a big piece of chalk and just randomly placing a big X at the base of someone’s driveway and walking on … although like Mrs. Dragon pointed out, that would probably have the press called out rather quickly.  But, you can tell by looking at the suit, you can’t really tell who’s inside.  And if we were quick enough, we could freak out a whole grocery store or neighborhood and be gone before anyone could identify us.  And if we WERE caught, we could just call it a training exercise.

This is what an Osiria Rose looks like.

That’s gonna be one hell of a sandwich!

And as accidental as that porn may be, we have to end this here cause I gotta sleep sometime.  Have a great day my friends and may it be filled with love, happiness and laughter.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon