Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Yes, it is a bit of a strange header … but as you are reading this, I will be in an operating room somewhere with a camera shoved up my bum.  I’m sure the prep will be exciting on Sunday, which is why I’m writing this issue on Friday and Saturday.  I can hardly wait. 

I’m so excited …

I’m enthusiastic …

Do I sound truthful?

Good, cause I’m NOT!

I’m not allowed to eat anything on Sunday.  I’m allowed broth and ice pops and crap like that.  I can’t even have cream in my coffee!!!  What kind of savages have we become?!?!

Then of course nothing after midnight and my procedure isn’t even until afternoon on Monday.  This will be exciting for the doctor.

A non-caffeinated, non-cigared dragon on a Monday morning?  He’s a dead man.  He has no idea what awaits him … but then again, this is a man who looks up people’s asses for a living.  I imagine he’s probably seen it all.  What more could one little dragon offer? 

I guess we’re going to find out …

So…while we get ready for this … procedure.  Let’s do some laughing first, shall we?  Cause really, can you imagine anything funnier than a dragon with a tube shoved up his … anyway, let’s laugh.

Common Sense is not a gift, it is a punishment.

Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

The path of inner peace begins with four words …

Not My Fucking Problem

One door closes and another one opens.

One door closes and another one opens.

One door closes and another one opens.

Me – eating my way through a chocolate advent calendar.

Before coffee: I hate everyone

After coffee:  I feel good about hating everyone

Don’t believe everything you read in a public toilet.  Sharon is not up for a good time.

What an awkward phone call that was…

I have questions…

Yes, as a matter of fact, that IS a game that we play…

The entire town of Whittier, Alaska lives under one roof.

Our dear friend and fellow camper Dave sent me this advice …

When you go for your colonoscopy, as long as when you ask where to put your pants, the doctor doesn’t say, “next to mine”, you’ll be okay.

And as long as there isn’t a disco ball in the ceiling …

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3Bqn05VNXQ

Leah D answered our Florida Man quiz…

Florida Man February 23 “Florida Man Makes Ghostly Guitar From His Metal Head Uncle’s Skeleton”.

Not bad Leah … I personally don’t think it beats my December 24th one, that, if you don’t remember was … Florida Man Bites His Brother’s Penis Off After He Walks In On His Brother Having Sex With His Cousin On His Favorite Dragon Ball Z Blanket … Yeah, I’m gonna stick with mine.  What are we talking about?  Well, if you missed our last episode, the game is this:

Go to Google and type in: Florida man and your birthday, like Lynn did who originally sent this in:

Florida Man November 19

A Florida man has been arrested for having sex with a miniature horse on multiple occasions, deputies say

And I say I have the top winner.  So far, I’ve done Mrs. Dragon:

Florida man ticketed after eating pancakes in middle of intersection

And Izzy Dragon:

Naked Florida man causes fire while baking cookies on George Foreman Grill

So, there is a challenge on the table, the gauntlet has been dropped, the flag has been … um … waved … or whatever.  Come one folks, show us what you got!

Not a youngster out there will probably be able to identify what they even are!!

What drones look like in my world.

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol!

Okay, I don’t know about you, but I’m fucking impressed!

Hats off to the waiter who kept a straight face as my 5 year old ordered the vagina for lunch instead of the lasagna.

Now that’s a professional!

My daughter (not Izzy, my other daughter) once, a long, long time ago, when I was a young airman, sitting in an air force base hospital pediatrics clinic almost caused a colonel’s wife to cry.  Now, please excuse me ladies, for I must use a word that I don’t like to use.  It’s a vulgar word for a beautiful part of the body.  Or, it’s used to describe a horrible person when bitch just isn’t strong enough.  Anyway, my daughter had been telling us that she was missing her cunt and she couldn’t find it anywhere.  It was black and furry and it was missing.  And we, for the life of us had no idea what she was talking about.  Well, that was the back story.  Now, to the making of wives cry.

Like I said, we were in this waiting room.  All these parents with children on their laps.  Some in uniform, like I was, who had taken time off of work to take their child to the base clinic.  The room was full, so children were on laps and everyone was on their best behavior because they were either seriously out-ranked, like I was, or setting good examples for the younger troops.

Well, my daughter and I were looking at a picture book with animals in it and she was telling me what all the animals were.  Oh, I suppose I should tell you that she was about 2 or 3 years old at this point.  And I turned the page and she pretty much yells at the top of her lungs, “THERE IT IS DADDY!  THERE’S MY CUNT!  THERE’S MY CUNT THAT I LOST!!!  IT’S RIGHT THERE!!  THERE’S MY CUNT!!!

Well, after all the gasps and the “Oh, my”s and of course all the stern looks from the higher ranking people in the room, which, of course was just about every single one of them and them trying to look over and see what my patches were so they knew what squadron I was in and what my name tape said so that they could shoot me at dawn at the very least.  I turned to my little girl and said, “No sweetheart, that is a skunk.”

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours

This is what Venice looks like from above.

I know, right?

And from brother Wheats:  “He’s so stupid he could fuck up an anvil with a rubber hammer.”

I really kinda like that one.

My 5 year old is convinced that she has a super power.

The super power is that she can smell ants.

 

Only a fool would give up a weapon in order for the government to protect them.

The government cannot even stop a telemarketer.

 

And one more point …

If you MUST burn OUR flag, please do us a favor and wrap yourself in it first!

And now, on our way out the door and while I’m prepping for this damn colonoscopy…

Let’s start with a little essay that you’ve probably seen before

Price Of Freedom

Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence? 

Five signers were captured by the British as traitors and tortured before they died. 

Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. 

Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured. 

Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War. 

They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor. 

What kind of men were they? 

Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists.

Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well-educated. 

But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured. 

Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags. 

Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward. 

Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton. 

At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson Jr, noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters.  He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt. 

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed.  The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months. 

John Hart was driven from his wife’s bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives.  His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste.  For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart. 

Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates. 

Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. 

These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more.  Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged:

“For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor.” 

They gave you and me a free and independent America.

The history books never told you a lot about what happened in the Revolutionary War.  We didn’t fight just the British.  We were British subjects at that time and we fought our own government!  Some of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn’t. 

Remember: freedom is never free!

Take a minute to think about what these patriots went through, what they fought for, what they sacrificed.  And now ask yourself what you are willing to go through, what are you willing to fight for, and what are you willing to sacrifice now? 

And even a bigger question…do you think that the representatives that we have in Washington and in our State Capitals are willing and able to do the things that these patriots did?  And if not … shouldn’t they be?

Cheers my friends,

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Okay, after about 48 hours or work, fighting with programs and removing and installing programs over and over again, I think I finally figured out what the problem was … and the problem was … Impish Dragon is a friggin’ IDIOT!!!!!  My storage space on Word Press was full.  I deleted some stuff so I could get some more stuff on there and it all worked out.  The problem was that there was nothing anywhere that told me that was the problem!  So, over the last 15 years I’ve uploaded like 100,000 images and they are all still on my site, taking up room.  So, I’ve only deleted a few, I’ve got to go through and make some serious room, but that will take some time.  Right now, I’ve got to put together a NEW issue, try to catch things up, get ready for my colonoscopy on Monday, go to the doctor this afternoon, go buy a new over the range microwave later today and finish celebrating my wedding anniversary this weekend! 

Whew!  Just a couple of things going on!

Yup, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to Mrs. Dragon and I!  26 years!  How in the world she has put up with me all this time is amazing, but she has.

And again this year, like every other year on our anniversary something in the house has died.  Every, single year something happens on our anniversary.  You guys remember the great refrigerator and range debacle of last year, right?  The year before it was several deaths in the family.  The year before that it was the car.  The year before that we bought the house.  … Every single year … This year it is our over the range microwave, with the stove vent and light and all that.  Well, $400 is better than $2000 like last year, I guess.

Anyway, Let’s hope all this works and I really have figured all this out, in the meantime, …

Wow!  I just realized I’m answering emails from June 28th …. yeah …. I’m a little behind.

The amount of people who don’t know the difference between to and too is two damn high

Re-post this if there is someone still alive today because you don’t want to go to prison.

This is what a castle on an island in Ireland looks like.

A lady walked by me and said, “no mask?”  I said, “no panties, either.”  That shut her up.  Don’t play with me, Karen.

If you haven’t read the book, you won’t get the joke.

 

Celebrating our Irish heritage

I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

My coffee was so dark,  a demon mistook it for a portal to hell.  Long story short:  I need a new mug, a mop, and maybe an exorcism.

Some people are like a diaper.  Self absorbed and full of shit.

The street lights around here are way cool.

Interviewer:  What did you like best about your last job?

Me:  Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.

Saying you’re a night owl is redundant because owls are nocturnal.  Unless of course you’re saying you’re a knight owl.  Like Sir Hoot of Mousehuntingshire.  That would make sense.

My neighbor just got arrested for growing marijuana.

Guess my property line isn’t where I thought it was.

If it’s the thought that counts …

… Then I should probably be in jail.

You know nothing about a woman …

Until she’s drunk and mad at you.

Nurse:  What happened to your fingers?

Me:  You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?

Nurse:  Yes?

Me:  I can’t do that.

God grant me a vacation to make bearable what I can’t change.

A friend to make it funny

and the wisdom to never get my knickers in a knot

because it solves nothing and makes me walk funny.

I whatever’d when I should have oh hell no’ed.

Okay … Lynn sent me this.  First of all I’m going to print this exactly as she sent it and then I’m going to do what she said and see what happens.

Weird stuff happens everywhere, it just seems to happen more often in Florida.

Speaking of Florida, everybody Google ‘Florida man’ followed by their birthday (example Florida man January 27th) and see what crazy headline you get.

Florida Man November 19

A Florida man has been arrested for having sex with a miniature horse on multiple occasions, deputies say

And now my turn:

Florida Man December 24 … and okay, I win!

Florida Man Bites His Brother’s Penis Off After He Walks In On His Brother Having Sex With His Cousin On His Favorite Dragon Ball Z Blanket

Mrs. Dragon’s was so tame in comparison:

Florida man ticketed after eating pancakes in middle of intersection

And Izzy Dragon’s falls right smack dab in between the two of us:

Naked Florida man causes fire while baking cookies on George Foreman Grill

And if you think you’ve got one that beats mine … send it in!

The one-woman town of Monowi, Nebraska is the only officially incorporated municipality with a population of 1. The sole, 83-year-old resident is the city’s mayor, librarian, and bartender.

 

For English language lovers.  What is the difference between “Completed” and “Finished”?  No dictionary has been able to define the difference between “Complete” and “Finished.”  But, in a linguistic conference in England, Sun Sherman, an Indian American, was the clever winner.  His response: When you marry the right woman, you are “Complete.”  If you marry the wrong woman, you are “Finished.”  And when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are “Completely Finished.”  His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there. ~ Cheshire Cat

Could you sleep in this bed?

Okay… well, there’s a complete issue and by all indications, it should post, so if you are reading this, it means you’ve made it to the end of the edition and it did indeed post and all is well with the world.  If you are not reading this, than it means that it didn’t work and … well … you aren’t reading it, so what difference does it make.  Although, if it doesn’t work, you can probably hear me screaming, so you can probably figure it out.

Anyway, I’m just wasting time, so, thanks for all your patience and understanding.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

I just spent 3 days working on an issue … a really good issue … and it won’t load.  I have no idea why it won’t load, but it won’t friggin’ load.  So, I’m going to try again tomorrow, the day that this is supposed to be published, and see if I can get it to work.  If it won’t, I’ll probably have to start over again from scratch, which means that you guys may not get an issue until Saturday … I don’t know.  But, after the day I’ve had, my frustration level is through the roof.

Anyway, let’s see if this one works.  I guess, if you’re reading this, it does, if not … then I don’t have anything to worry about anyway.

Love you all.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon.

Good Morning Campers,

I have to share this with you guys before I forget.  Mrs. Dragon just read this to me.  “Bitch,  I will put you in a trunk and help people look for you! Stop playing with me!”  I thought, damn!  Then I thought, what the hell is she reading that people are sending her stuff like that.  THEN I thought, do I have something to be worried about? 

Anyway, it’s already late on Friday and I’m just starting out on this episode of Dragon Laffs.  Because this is a UTA weekend and I’ve got killer classes again this weekend.  I want to put out an issue because after this weekend I may be in no shape to put out one on Monday, lol.  But because of the run up to the UTA I’ve almost run out of time to put out THIS one. 

Gosh, it’s a good thing I love my job.

Anyway, Let’s get to laughing.  Because after the day I’ve had today … I really NEED to laugh.  It’s amazing the amount of really dumb people out there and I think I ran into EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM TODAY.

All sex is casual sex is you’re not wearing a bow tie.

Seriously Aussie Pete?

Gambling Addiction Hotlines would do better if every 5th caller was a winner.

I would hang this poster in my cave!!

If she can make you a sandwich after sex, you don’t deserve it!

No shit!  She shouldn’t be able to walk!

If you are experiencing joint pain, you’re probably holding the wrong end.

Q:  How much does a bee drink?

A:  Just enough to get a buzz…

Pictures from our Independence Day Cookout

The after-party was the best!!!!!

Amen Mr. Pickles, Amen.

This is what Jupiter looks like from the bottom.

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

Amen, little guy … girl … whatever!

Don’t forget to drink water and get sun.  You’re basically a houseplant with complicated emotions.

Where’s the Jameson?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The town of Centralia, Pennsylvania has been on fire for 55 years.

The last time I had faith in the news was when it was with Huey Lewis.

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance that you won’t go to work tomorrow.  Tequila gives you 1 in 5.

And that’s it.  It’s bed time.  No real commentary this time and lots left out, but plenty of laughs.  Cheers my friends.

Impish

Good Thursday Morning, Campers,

And a wonderful morning to you all.  It has been another week for the record books here at Dragon Central.  I have one of those over the stove (range … why are they called ranges?  What’s the difference between a range and a stove?  IS there a difference between a range and a stove?  Anyway, I digress …) I have an over the range microwave that is also a vent, light, etc … that came with the house, so I have no idea how old it is.  Well, it went out over the Independence Day weekend.  Izzy Dragon was making something in the microwave and it dinged and just went dark.  I, of course, being the electrical expert that I am, checked the circuit breaker, and then checked the plug to make sure there was electricity to the outlet … that exhausted my vast knowledge.  There might be a fuse inside of it somewhere that could be replaced, but I’ll be damned if I know where it might be.  And since I can’t even find a brand name on the damn thing, I can’t even look it up on line to find out.  So … spend $40 for a service call  (that’s just to get the guy to walk in the door) to find out if it can be fixed or spend $250 to $350 to replace it and know that it is fixed, since I have no idea how old it is, since we’ve lived here 6 years and it’s at least that old.

But, I should have expected it.

Why? You might ask?  Well, next week is Mrs. Dragon and mine 26th wedding anniversary and if you remember correctly, last year at about this same time was the great refrigerator and stove debacle of 2020.  Surely, you all remember THAT one.  (I know, don’t call you Shirley.)  

Sigh.  So yeah, it’s that time of year for one of our appliances to go out.  LOL!

Anyway, I just got a phone call on my government cell phone, I said hello and the guy on the other end of the line said, “Yes, sir.  You recently inquired and asked about help with your student loans, are you still needing help?”  I said, “No, I didn’t.” 

He said, “Yes sir, you did.”

I laughed and replied, “You are really going to argue with me about whether I asked for help with my student loans?”

“Yes sir, I am, because I wouldn’t have your number if you hadn’t asked for help and I’m here to help you.  You just don’t know that you need help.”

I had to laugh even harder and I told him, “Well, I will give you points for persistence, but I don’t have any student loans, never have had any, you’ve reached a federal agent and if you stay on the phone for about five more seconds I’ll finish the trace on your phone and send one of my agents round to talk with you, so just hang on for me.”

“Oh shit….” click

God, I love scam callers.

Now, how about we laugh about something … cause I need it

I need that sign for outside my cavern

There’s a new guy starting at work called Wayne Bruce and I said, “Ah, my old nemesis Manbat” and nobody got it.  Honestly, I am wasted here.

English Teacher:  Give me the opposite of this sentence: “Children in the dark make mistakes.”

Student:  “Mistakes in the dark make children.”

I went to an archaeology party recently where they were only looking for remains of a lower leg …

… it was quite the shindig.

What happened to the sailor who crashed his ship?

He had to go to anchor management.

I think it’s adorable that they are putting jokes on the side of cookie packages …

Ha, ha, like listen to this one … Serving Size: 3 cookies

More of my baby pictures

Just got a role in a porno … I’m the spouse at work.

This is what the clovers that cover the floor of the California Redwood Forest look like.

These can’t be the men that Dolly begged Jolene not to take

Yeah … I got nuthin’ … but it is a cool pic…

Don’t let anyone ruin your day.

You’re an adult.  Do it yourself.

The total length of Idaho’s rivers could stretch across the United States about 40 times.

Exercise makes you look better naked.

But so does Tequila.

I have questions …

I’m trying to give up sexual innuendos, but it’s hard … so hard.

Way too many people think this is truth!

I don’t need alcohol to make bad decisions.

My winter fat is gone.  Now I have spring rolls.

Much more I wanted to add, but had a bit of drama around here … storms… spent a little time in the basement because of tornado warnings and a loss of power.  Had a difficult time convincing my two girls (Mrs. Dragon and Izzy Dragon) that the two old dogs would be better off locked in the bathroom upstairs than dragged down the basement stairs and possibly getting hurt on the very steep, very narrow stairs … anyway, all is well.  Just excitement and drama and another event where I didn’t get a picture of a tornado.  Dammit!  Still unfulfilled bucket list item.

But, I am now worn out and must get some much needed sleep.  So, until next time.  Good night, and fair thee well.

Impish