Dragon Laffs

Good Morning My Dear Campers,

It’s Thursday and it’s been a long week.

 

 

Did you hear about the middle school that voted to change their mascot? It was an agricultural area, but they wanted to be progressive and offer a female mascot. So, they had three choices, a female sheep, a female goat, and a female deer.

After a long campaign, a series of debates, and a day of students voting yes or no on each, the principal stood before his students and announced that, in a unanimous vote, the new school mascot would be a female sheep.

It seems that even after all the campaigning, debate, and division, the student body only had Ayes for Ewe.

Okay, we have a new entry in the Florida Man Birthday contest … This one is from Joe L and his is from April 3rd and it reads like this: Florida authorities claim a man stabbed his ex-girlfriend with a sword and then hit her with his truck.

But, brother Joe was kind enough to send us the whole story … so there’s more!

The Citrus County Sheriff’s Office said in a press release that MPs found 42-year-old Brandi Blevins dead in her front yard on Sunday evening.

Detectives said 41-year-old Eric Huffman stabbed Blevins to death with a large sword. The sheriff’s office said a witness told them that after Huffman stabbed Blevins to death, he jumped in his truck and ran over the victim before crashing into a tree. He escaped, but was later captured. It was unclear what exactly killed Blevins.

Huffman is charged with premeditated murder and aggravated assault with deadly weapons. He’s in jail without bail.

Not bad Joe.  Not sure if it beats mine or not, but I’m going to give it points, just the same.  What are we talking about?  Why, the great Google Florida Man Challenge!  Go to Google, type in Florida man and your birthday, just month and day, and see what pops up!  Just to see how crazy it is!  And you, too can be featured here in Dragon Laffs!

The first rule of “Condescending Club” is really kinda complex and I don’t think you’d understand it even if I explained it to you.

The guy at the furniture store told me the sofa would seat 5 people without any problems.

Then it occurred to me, I don’t think I know 5 people without any problems.

That’s going to be one hell of a ride!

“You shall not pass!”

“Wanna Bet!”

People think I am crazy because I talk to my chickens …

What am I suppose to do when they ask me things?  Ignore them?

Our brother and fellow camper, Sasquatch sent in a question:

I have a question.

I just read that Pelosi wants to remove all of the old useless relics of a bygone era immediately removed from the Capitol Building grounds!

Is she resigning?

Just asking.

Oh help me, help me!  I need rescuing!

The States In Blue Have A Smaller Population Than Los Angeles County (in Red)

Which is the best argument I can think of for the electoral college.

When someone tells you, “pick a card, any card” …

… take their VISA.

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise …

But that was 4 hours ago … when I was younger and full of hope.

She said she missed me.  Normally that would be a good thing.  But she’s reloading.

Um…that kinda sucks.

Me:  Welcome to my she shed.

Gynecologist:  Please stop calling it that.

Okay, read this one first…

Maybe not…but since I do own several of these…

Since this is what I teach, we have (jokingly) thought about going into the local grocery store dressed like this … or walking into one of the neighborhoods with a clipboard and a big piece of chalk and just randomly placing a big X at the base of someone’s driveway and walking on … although like Mrs. Dragon pointed out, that would probably have the press called out rather quickly.  But, you can tell by looking at the suit, you can’t really tell who’s inside.  And if we were quick enough, we could freak out a whole grocery store or neighborhood and be gone before anyone could identify us.  And if we WERE caught, we could just call it a training exercise.

This is what an Osiria Rose looks like.

That’s gonna be one hell of a sandwich!

And as accidental as that porn may be, we have to end this here cause I gotta sleep sometime.  Have a great day my friends and may it be filled with love, happiness and laughter.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Yup … reading is fun, reading is something I do a lot of.  But, we’ve talked about this before.  Don’t know why this has come up again, but it has. So, right now I’m up to 149 books since the first of April 2020.  That works out to one book every 3.2 days … still.  Which is pretty much what I was averaging at the end of the year.  So, I haven’t slowed down. 

That means I read a little over two books a week; or almost ten books a month.  I don’t know anyone else who does that.  Any other readers out there?  It’s funny, I’ll occasionally take a break at work and sit out back and smoke a little cigar with my tablet and read.  One of the GIs who work down the hall from me asked me the other day what it was I was watching on my tablet.  I said I wasn’t watching, anything, I was reading.  He said, reading?  What are you reading?  I said, a book.  He said … huh.  Now, that’s a lost art.

Reading books…a lost art. 

I am saddened by this.

So, we really need to laugh now.

When I was your age, I had to walk 10 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Irish Handcuffs (n.) When a person is carrying an alcoholic beverage in both hands at the same time.

Leah D has a big problem …

Got this dude stalking me, I don’t like him N I wish he’d leave me the hell alone, but every time I turn around there he is! He just won’t take No for an answer, I can’t hurt his feelings, but he is really getting on my  nerves. His name is Bill…he just keeps coming around. It started out every month, then every week, now it almost every damn day. Ugh! It’s so annoying, can someone tell him to leave me alone, please? I hate Bill! He’s even got his family bothering me…Light Bill, Gas Bill, Water Bill, Cable Bill, etc…

I said to myself, “Self.” (and I knew it was me, cause I recognized my voice, and I was wearing my underwear) “Today is going to be a good day!”

“Last man standing!” – This incredible statue can be found in Grand Rapids, MI and is the work of father son team Andy and Noah Sacksteder.

I can’t help but think this is the inspiration for the statue …

Or maybe it was even this Veteran ..

But, this young man makes me just as proud …

And all you “Hero Athletes” out there who kneel when the flag and the National Anthem play … aren’t you so PROUD.  Go ahead.  Explain to this young MAN how your degrading his flag is so meaningful.  Go ahead.  I dare you.  I double-dog dare you! Or how about one of the two gentleman above.  Tell them how your kneeling is expressing your opinion, you pussies.  You aren’t worth a pimple on their asses!

Yeah … there’s a teeny bit of anger there, I think.

Well, I’m now up to the 14th of July on my emails, so I’m catching up a little bit. But then again, it’s good to have a stock of emails to work off of.  I just don’t want you guys disappointed if I don’t answer something right away.

But, right now, I do want to wish a happy birthday to our dear friend Stephanie…

 I hope you have a wonderful day, dear friend.

It’s a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore.  I just bought a TV and it said “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is!

Alex (32)  I sexually identify as a microwave dinner, because I am ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate.

“Tag!  You’re it!”

Okay, I guess it’s time to go on a little bit of a rant? essay?  Okay, let me explain.  I was sent part of an essay that looked like it was entitled: “I’m 78 and I’m Tired” with the subheading of True Story, check it out.  Which always makes me suspect, so I got to looking around online and did find the original, which was MUCH longer than the snippet I was sent.  It was written by Robert A. Hall, a Vietnam Marine Veteran AND five term Massachusetts State Senator.  The thing is, this was posted to his personal blog  on Thursday, February 19, 2009.  And he mentions that he is soon turning 63.  And here we are 13 years later and I find myself in the exact same position.  Soon turning 63 and also, quite tired.  So, if I may, and giving all credit where credit is due, here is:

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2009

I’m Tired–some updates

I’ll be 63 soon. Except for one semester in college when jobs were scarce, and a six-month period when I was between jobs, but job-hunting every day, I’ve worked, hard, since I was 18. Despite some health challenges, I still put in 50-hour weeks, and haven’t called in sick in seven or eight years. I make a good salary, but I didn’t inherit my job or my income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, there’s no retirement in sight, and I’m tired. Very tired.
I’m tired of being told that I have to “spread the wealth around” to people who don’t have my work ethic. I’m tired of being told the government will take the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy or stupid to earn it.
I’m tired of being told that I have to pay more taxes to “keep people in their homes.” Sure, if they lost their jobs or got sick, I’m willing to help. But if they bought McMansions at three times the price of our paid-off, $250,000 condo, on one-third of my salary, then let the leftwing Congresscritters who passed Fannie and Freddie and the Community Reinvestment Act that created the bubble help them—with their own money.
I’m tired of being told how bad America is by leftwing millionaires like Michael Moore, George Soros and Hollywood entertainers who live in luxury because of the opportunities America offers. In thirty years, if they get their way, the United States will have the religious freedom and women’s rights of Saudi Arabia, the economy of Zimbabwe, the freedom of the press of China, the crime and violence of Mexico, the tolerance for Gay people of Iran, and the freedom of speech of Venezuela. Won’t multiculturalism be beautiful?
I’m tired of being told that Islam is a “Religion of Peace,” when every day I can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and daughters for their family “honor;” of Muslims rioting over some slight offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren’t “believers;” of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning teenage rape victims to death for “adultery;” of Muslims mutilating the genitals of little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur’an and Shari’a law tells them to.
I believe “a man should be judged by the content of his character, not by the color of his skin.” I’m tired of being told that “race doesn’t matter” in the post-racial world of President Obama, when it’s all that matters in affirmative action jobs, lower college admission and graduation standards for minorities (harming them the most), government contract set-asides, tolerance for the ghetto culture of violence and fatherless children that hurts minorities more than anyone, and in the appointment of US Senators from Illinois. I think it’s very cool that we have a black president and that a black child is doing her homework at the desk where Lincoln wrote the emancipation proclamation. I just wish the black president was Condi Rice, or someone who believes more in freedom and the individual and less in an all-knowing government.
I’m tired of a news media that thinks Bush’s fundraising and inaugural expenses were obscene, but that think Obama’s, at triple the cost, were wonderful. That thinks Bush exercising daily was a waste of presidential time, but Obama exercising is a great example for the public to control weight and stress, that picked over every line of Bush’s military records, but never demanded that Kerry release his, that slammed Palin with two years as governor for being too inexperienced for VP, but touted Obama with three years as senator as potentially the best president ever.
Wonder why people are dropping their subscriptions or switching to Fox News? Get a clue. I didn’t vote for Bush in 2000, but the media and Kerry drove me to his camp in 2004.
I’m tired of being told that out of “tolerance for other cultures” we must let Saudi Arabia use our oil money to fund mosques and madrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in America, while no American group is allowed to fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia to teach love and tolerance.
I’m tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global warming, which no one is allowed to debate. My wife and I live in a two-bedroom apartment and carpool together five miles to our jobs. We also own a three-bedroom condo where our daughter and granddaughter live. Our carbon footprint is about 5% of Al Gore’s, and if you’re greener than Gore, you’re green enough.

I’m tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses while they tried to fight it off? I don’t think Gay people choose to be Gay, but I damn sure think druggies chose to take drugs. And I’m tired of harassment from cool people treating me like a freak when I tell them I never tried marijuana. Update: People have written to tell me I’d have more sympathy if this was close to me. It is exactly having seen the destruction of alcoholism and heroin addiction in my own family that makes me pretty intolerant of people who are willing to destroy the people around them to indulge themselves.
I’m tired of illegal aliens being called “undocumented workers,” especially the ones who aren’t working, but are living on welfare or crime. What’s next? Calling drug dealers, “Undocumented Pharmacists”? And, no, I’m not against Hispanics. Most of them are Catholic and it’s been a few hundred years since Catholics wanted to kill me for my religion. I’m willing to fast track for citizenship any Hispanic person who can speak English, doesn’t have a criminal record and who is self-supporting without family on welfare, or who serves honorably for three years in our military. Those are the citizens we need. Update: A few people have taken this to indicate some bias against Catholics, based on events 400 years ago. While I think they are either too touchy or fail to understand, I was only trying to say that I have zero problem with Catholics wanting to come to the US, but that I have great concerns about Muslims, as a good % of them do want to kill me, or force their religion and moral code on me.
I’m tired of latte liberals and journalists, who would never wear the uniform of the Republic themselves, or let their entitlement-handicapped kids near a recruiting station, trashing our military. They and their kids can sit at home, never having to make split-second decisions under life and death circumstances, and bad mouth better people than themselves. Do bad things happen in war? You bet. Do our troops sometimes misbehave? Sure. Does this compare with the atrocities that were the policy of our enemies for the last fifty years—and still are? Not even close. So here’s the deal. I’ll let myself be subjected to all the humiliation and abuse that was heaped on terrorists at Abu Ghraib or Gitmo, and the critics can let themselves be subject to captivity by the Muslims who tortured and beheaded Daniel Pearl in Pakistan, or the Muslims who tortured and murdered Marine Lt. Col. William Higgins in Lebanon, or the Muslims who ran the blood-spattered Al Qaeda torture rooms our troops found in Iraq, or the Muslims who cut off the heads of schoolgirls in Indonesia, because the girls were Christian. Then we’ll compare notes. British and American soldiers are the only troops in history that civilians came to for help and handouts, instead of hiding from in fear. UPDATE: It has rightly been pointed out to me, several times, that I should have included Canadian, Australian and New Zealand troops here. My apologies for slighting these gallant allies of freedom.
I’m tired of people telling me that their party has a corner on virtue and the other party has a corner on corruption. Read the papers—bums are bi-partisan. And I’m tired of people telling me we need bi-partisanship. I live in Illinois, where the “Illinois Combine” of Democrats and Republicans has worked together harmoniously to loot the public for years. And I notice that the tax cheats in Obama’s cabinet are bi-partisan as well.
I’m tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of both parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting caught. I’m tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.
Speaking of poor, I’m tired of hearing people with air-conditioned homes, color TVs and two cars called poor. The majority of Americans didn’t have that in 1970, but we didn’t know we were “poor.” The poverty pimps have to keep changing the definition of poor to keep the dollars flowing.
I’m real tired of people who don’t take responsibility for their lives and actions. I’m tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination, or big-whatever for their problems.
Yes, I’m damn tired. But I’m also glad to be 63. Because, mostly, I’m not going to get to see the world these people are making. I’m just sorry for my granddaughter.
Robert A. Hall is a Marine Vietnam veteran who served five terms in the Massachusetts state senate. He blogs at www.tartanmarine.blogspot.com Update: Someone attached a picture of Robert D. Hall, an actor, to some versions and forwarded it on, saying that I was on CSI. We are two different people, and I am not an actor–unless you count running for public office.
And to the folks who said I’m Old and should die and get out of the way, I have IPF, so will comply soon enough.

I find very little to argue with in this essay … and and awful lot that brings a tear to my eye … and probably not for the reasons you would think.  According to what I can find, he is still alive at the age of 75. 

This is what two hours’ worth of lightning on one pic looks like.

I went to a dog show the other day. A Yorkie took Best in Show, a Jack Russell took second, and a Scotty took third.

I’m starting to think the judges had some sort of All-Terrier motive.

Sir Knight, I can’t help but think this is not going to end well for you.

Dragon Laffs Head of Security

And before anyone jumps to any conclusions … these are from Joe L…

What do you do when you find Niacin and Thiamin at your front door? You vitamin, of course!

______________

Did you hear about the guy who started chirping after a one night stand? They think he caught a canarial disease.

_______________

I refuse to work with compost, it’s degrading.

Tracking Of An Eagle Over A 20 Year Period

Then he ain’t doing it right.

Upon his coronation, a tribal king decided he wanted to upgrade his woven-grass-and-wood home. So, he commissioned the best weavers in the village to build him a two-story home.

Weeks later, the grass-weavers finished, and moved the king’s property in. But the King wasn’t happy. He wanted to build a king-size bed, but the massive stone throne used in the tribe was in the way.

Figuring a second-floor throne room would be more impressive, the King ordered the workers to bring the throne upstairs, and then weave him a nice, big bed on the first floor.

A few more weeks later, the King finally moved in. On the first night, he and the Queen decided to test out the bed. Their testing got vigorous, and they shook the walls of the house, causing the heavy throne to plunge through the grass ceiling onto the bed, killing them both.

The moral of the story? When you live in a grass house, don’t stow thrones.

Okay…let’s do some of these now … since it’s been one of those issues anyway:

I think we can conclude that the “time out” generation didn’t produce as good of citizens as the “ass beating” generation.

This is what the Czech Republic has to say about our recent election:

“The danger to America is not Joe Biden, but a citizenry capable of entrusting a man like him with the presidency.  It will be far easier to limit and undo the follies of a Biden presidency than to restore the necessary common sense and good judgment to a depraved electorate willing to have such a man for their president.  The problem is much deeper and far more serious than Mr. Biden, who is a mere symptom of what ails America.  Blaming the prince of the fools should not blind anyone to the vast confederacy of fools that made him their prince.  The Republic can survive a Biden, who is, after all, merely a fool.  It is less likely to survive a multitude of fools, such as those who made him their president.”

I am a criminal.

I don’t buy guns at stores.

I don’t care about your stupid gun laws.

Background checks won’t stop me.

Keep focusing on the good people.

THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I WANT.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Truck.”

And that’s it for today my friends.  I hope you had as much fun as I did putting it together.  May your week begin with as much fun as this has been.

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Well, another weekend where I am again working to secure your freedom from tyranny, the evil effects of the communist horde, and protecting you from Ralph Nader’s undue influence.   Who is Ralph Nader?  How young are you?  Who let the damn children in here?  Don’t they know this site is for

Sigh … I try.  I truly do.  You work hard.  Do what you can to keep America safe for dragons and other mythological creatures … like all of you out there and what happens?  You end up with leadership in Washington that threatens to drop nukes on you for participating in the second amendment.  You get the Wicked Witch of the West who believes that everyone should do what she says … except her.  And you get the rest of the world laughing their asses off at us because they’re not stupid, nor are they blind.  Hell, even Al Qaeda is using us as examples as how a government can be taken over from within!

I swear, I’m trying.  Truly I am.  What more can a dragon do?  Maybe if I drank more … 

NO!  Not to forget!  Because, when dragons drink, they get mean and they tend to burn shit to the friggin’ ground.  And that could be very helpful right about now.  It could really clear some shit up.

And also, I could really use a drink right about now.

Anyway, enough of my complaining and bitching.  Time to do some laughter.

I don’t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything!  Like the fact that shirts have armholes!  I’ll be celebrating that tonight.

Don’t look that way.  We all know that person.

Getting into a relationship may seem like a good idea but so was getting on the titanic; and look what happened there.

Me:  Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband:  Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

Do you ever just wanna grab someone by the shoulders, look them deep in the eyes and whisper, “No one gives a shit.”

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.

THIS is one of my favorite dragon pictures of all times.

I tried starting a day without coffee once …

My court date is pending.

This is what the pyramids look like from Cairo street.

In an age of innocence, there will be those who excel at destruction. ~ Impish Dragon

Here’s one worth watching:

https://patriotpost.us/videos/81197?mailing_id=5979&utm_medium=email&utm_source=pp.email.5979&utm_campaign=snapshot&utm_content=body

From what I understand, it’s already started in some counties …

Being labeled a racist today is much like being labeled a witch in the middle ages. No evidence is required. It’s simply a weapon used to defeat people you don’t like. And the mobs of ignorant rioters never question it. As much as things change, things stay the same.

Dear extroverts, you will survive this.  Dear introverts, quit laughing!  They’re new to this social distancing.

Okay kids … what do you think it was originally for?

I saved someone’s life today.

Well…I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of this idiot…so pretty much the same thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is from Facebook page…

Top 10 list of America’s stupidity – as seen from Canada.

10. Only in America… Could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 a plate campaign fund-raising event.

9. Only in America… Could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they had a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black. 40+% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans, 3X the rate that go to whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanics.

8. Only in America… Could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner (the former head of the Treasury Department) and Charles Rangel (who once ran the Ways and Means Committee), BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.

7. Only in America… Can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.

6. Only in America… Would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just ‘magically’ become American citizens.

5. Only in America… Could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country’s Constitution be thought of as “extremists.”

4. Only in America… Could you need to present a driver’s license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.

3. Only in America… Could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. Oil company (Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike).

2. Only in America… Could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a trillion dollars more than it has per year – for total spending of $7 Million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn’t have nearly enough money.

1. Only in America… Could the rich people – who pay 86% of all income taxes – be accused of not paying their “fair share” by people who don’t pay any income taxes at all.

“If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there would be a shortage of sand.”

~ Milton Friedman

And that one got off easy!

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it.

Or maybe they do know it…

Your fetishes are nothing to be ashamed about.

Unless your fetish is being humiliated, then you should be very ashamed you nasty little pervert.

If a guy is addicted to masturbating but then gets addicted to sex, it’s fair to say his addiction got out of hand.

If a 9 year old takes an anti-aging cream that makes them appear 10 years younger, do they disappear?

And now … a brand new feature … to replace one we lost…

Size Comparison Between Australia And The United States

And that’s it for today my friends.  I am teaching class while you are reading this so have a bit of smiles for me.

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Well, it’s the morning after and man, do I have a case of the blahs!  Just wrung out, worn out and … plaugh!   But, it is good to note that all is well, so that knocks that out for another five years or so.  Or whenever my doc tells me it’s time to get a hose shoved up my behind again.

I gather I have quite the potty mouth when I come out from under sedation.  Mrs. Dragon says that I dropped the f-bomb in front of the nurses at least a dozen times that I don’t recall at ALL!  I’m a little embarrassed.  Apparently, I revert quite quickly to my Jersey/GI roots. 

I tried really hard to pay attention to the going under sedation part.  I told the anesthetist that I wanted to know when he started to put me under.  He told me it would be pretty quick.  I have this whole “consciousness” thing that I’m working on in my head right now.  Anyway, it was weird, I tried to hold on to that little piece of “me” … if you know what I mean.  You know, even when you are dreaming, you kind of know where “me” is.  But, it was weird.  I couldn’t do it.  It was like complete blankness.  And he was right, it was quick, but, it didn’t go all at once, like slamming a door.  It was slower like drawing a curtain.  And I could feel it come up over me and then the next thing I knew I was waking up.  Although, according to Mrs. Dragon, I had been awake and interacting with people WAY before I knew I was.  And using some pretty profane language to boot.

Oh well.  I’m sure they’ve heard worse.

Or at least as bad.

Or maybe similar.

I sure hope I didn’t curse in draconian.  That sometimes can leave a mark.

Well … anyway … I made it and I’m mostly healthy and all is well and it’s time to laugh about other things now.

That’s about 174 pounds for us Americans …

Society has become so fake that the truth actually bothers people.

As you all know, the  following is a HUGE hot button for me.  And here is another GREAT essay sent in by our own dear friend and fellow camper, Pete.  Thank you, Pete for sharing this with all of us. 

Take a knee…

Take a little trip to Valley Forge in January. Hold a musket ball in your Fingers and imagine it piercing your flesh and breaking a bone or two.

There won’t be a doctor or trainer to assist you until after the battle, so Just wait your turn. Take your cleats and socks off to get a real Experience.

Then, take a knee on the beach in Normandy where man after American man Stormed the beach, even as the one in front of him was shot to pieces, the Very sea stained with American blood. The only blockers most had were the dead bodies in front of them, riddled with bullets from enemy fire.

Take a knee in the sweat soaked jungles of Vietnam. From Khe Sanh to Saigon, anywhere will do. Americans died in all those jungles. There was no Playbook that told them what was next, but they knew what flag they Represented. When they came home, they were protested as well, and spit on for reasons only cowards know.

Take another knee in the blood drenched sands of Fallujah in 110 degree Heat. Wear your Kevlar helmet and battle dress. Your number won’t be printed on it unless your number is up! You’ll need to stay hydrated but There won’t be anyone to squirt Gatorade into your mouth. You’re on your Own.

There are a lot of places to take a knee where Americans have given their Lives all over the world. When you use the banner under which they fought As a source for your displeasure, you dishonor the memories of those who bled for the very freedoms you have. That’s what the red stripes mean. It represents the blood of those who spilled a sea of it defending your Liberty.

While you’re on your knee, pray for those that came before you, not on a manicured lawn striped and printed with numbers to announce every inch of ground taken, but on nameless hills and bloodied beaches and sweltering forests and bitter cold mountains, every inch marked by an American life Lost serving that flag you protest.

No cheerleaders, no announcers, no coaches, no fans, just American men and women, delivering the real fight against those who chose to harm us, blazing a path so you would have the right to “take a knee.” You haven’t any inkling of what it took to get you where you are, but your “protest” is duly noted. Not only is it disgraceful to a nation of real heroes, it serves the purpose of pointing to your ingratitude for those who chose to defend you under that banner that will still wave long after your jersey is retired.

If you really feel the need to take a knee, come with me to church on Sunday and we’ll both kneel before Almighty God. We’ll thank Him for preserving this country for as long as He has. We’ll beg forgiveness for our ingratitude for all He has provided us. We’ll appeal to Him for understanding and wisdom. We’ll pray for liberty and justice for all, because He is the one who provides those things. But there will be no Protest. There will only be gratitude for His provision and a plea for His continued grace and mercy on the land of the free and the home of the Brave.

Author unknown to me.

I don’t deny you your right to protest, but not EVER during the playing of Our National Anthem!

Um… no, never mind.  Go ahead, I’m curious to see the results.

I can eat sugar with either hand …

I’m ambidextrose!

Yeah, but you know, if you gotta be …

Feet (noun) – a device used for finding Legos in the dark.

This is what the Dark Hedges of Northern Ireland look like.

Oh, by the way … I’m up to July 6th on my emails … which means I’m still 2 weeks behind!

Not me, but a friend worked in a call center for a credit card company in the disputes department.  The number one item people called to say they never purchased … “interest charge”.

Is the Lady of the House home?

Not surprising one single bit.

Thanks to Lynn for this one …

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott in June 1849.

Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott.

Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell who was shot and who was not.

I really have questions …

Yes, I’m home … what do you want?

Studies have shown that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherfuckers.

Yeah … maybe I’ll stick with that one …

The fact that Hooters hasn’t launched a home delivery service called Knockers seems like a missed business opportunity to me.

Okay … I am NOT claustrophobic, I mean, come on, I wear a gas mask for a living, but just watching this and thinking about it, freaks me OUT!!  It damn well better open up on the other side!

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting, not on a jelly stain.  Again, my apologies to the lady at the Waffle House this morning.

Survival Tip:  If you get lost in the woods, start talking about politics and someone will show up to argue with you.

The number of bourbon barrels in Kentucky outnumbers the state’s population by more than two million.

Imagine how much sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip-flops.

Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.

So, apparently 50% of homeowning is hearing strange noises and hoping they are made by ghosts because I can’t afford to fix them.

If they want to change “mom” to “birthing person” what are they going to call fathers, “fertilizers?”

And this is what “true friends” do to one another.

Never blame someone else for the road you’re on.

That’s your own asphalt.

How to cook crack and clean a crab

Step one: Use commas

The inventor of spellcheck has died.

His funnel is tomato.

If loving books is a crime … I’m looking at life without parole.

Parenting Expert:  Children model the behavior they see.

Me:  False!  They see me clean, but they do not clean.

1998:  Don’t get in a car with strangers.

2008:  Don’t meet people from the internet alone.

2019:  Uber … Order yourself a stranger from the internet to get into a car with alone.

“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because … they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” ~ Steven Alexander Wright

And that my dear friends, is that.  Another one bites the dust.  And this one is put to rest.  I hope you had as much fun as I did.  Much love and happiness to you all, until next time.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Yes, it is a bit of a strange header … but as you are reading this, I will be in an operating room somewhere with a camera shoved up my bum.  I’m sure the prep will be exciting on Sunday, which is why I’m writing this issue on Friday and Saturday.  I can hardly wait. 

I’m so excited …

I’m enthusiastic …

Do I sound truthful?

Good, cause I’m NOT!

I’m not allowed to eat anything on Sunday.  I’m allowed broth and ice pops and crap like that.  I can’t even have cream in my coffee!!!  What kind of savages have we become?!?!

Then of course nothing after midnight and my procedure isn’t even until afternoon on Monday.  This will be exciting for the doctor.

A non-caffeinated, non-cigared dragon on a Monday morning?  He’s a dead man.  He has no idea what awaits him … but then again, this is a man who looks up people’s asses for a living.  I imagine he’s probably seen it all.  What more could one little dragon offer? 

I guess we’re going to find out …

So…while we get ready for this … procedure.  Let’s do some laughing first, shall we?  Cause really, can you imagine anything funnier than a dragon with a tube shoved up his … anyway, let’s laugh.

Common Sense is not a gift, it is a punishment.

Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

The path of inner peace begins with four words …

Not My Fucking Problem

One door closes and another one opens.

One door closes and another one opens.

One door closes and another one opens.

Me – eating my way through a chocolate advent calendar.

Before coffee: I hate everyone

After coffee:  I feel good about hating everyone

Don’t believe everything you read in a public toilet.  Sharon is not up for a good time.

What an awkward phone call that was…

I have questions…

Yes, as a matter of fact, that IS a game that we play…

The entire town of Whittier, Alaska lives under one roof.

Our dear friend and fellow camper Dave sent me this advice …

When you go for your colonoscopy, as long as when you ask where to put your pants, the doctor doesn’t say, “next to mine”, you’ll be okay.

And as long as there isn’t a disco ball in the ceiling …

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3Bqn05VNXQ

Leah D answered our Florida Man quiz…

Florida Man February 23 “Florida Man Makes Ghostly Guitar From His Metal Head Uncle’s Skeleton”.

Not bad Leah … I personally don’t think it beats my December 24th one, that, if you don’t remember was … Florida Man Bites His Brother’s Penis Off After He Walks In On His Brother Having Sex With His Cousin On His Favorite Dragon Ball Z Blanket … Yeah, I’m gonna stick with mine.  What are we talking about?  Well, if you missed our last episode, the game is this:

Go to Google and type in: Florida man and your birthday, like Lynn did who originally sent this in:

Florida Man November 19

A Florida man has been arrested for having sex with a miniature horse on multiple occasions, deputies say

And I say I have the top winner.  So far, I’ve done Mrs. Dragon:

Florida man ticketed after eating pancakes in middle of intersection

And Izzy Dragon:

Naked Florida man causes fire while baking cookies on George Foreman Grill

So, there is a challenge on the table, the gauntlet has been dropped, the flag has been … um … waved … or whatever.  Come one folks, show us what you got!

Not a youngster out there will probably be able to identify what they even are!!

What drones look like in my world.

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol!

Okay, I don’t know about you, but I’m fucking impressed!

Hats off to the waiter who kept a straight face as my 5 year old ordered the vagina for lunch instead of the lasagna.

Now that’s a professional!

My daughter (not Izzy, my other daughter) once, a long, long time ago, when I was a young airman, sitting in an air force base hospital pediatrics clinic almost caused a colonel’s wife to cry.  Now, please excuse me ladies, for I must use a word that I don’t like to use.  It’s a vulgar word for a beautiful part of the body.  Or, it’s used to describe a horrible person when bitch just isn’t strong enough.  Anyway, my daughter had been telling us that she was missing her cunt and she couldn’t find it anywhere.  It was black and furry and it was missing.  And we, for the life of us had no idea what she was talking about.  Well, that was the back story.  Now, to the making of wives cry.

Like I said, we were in this waiting room.  All these parents with children on their laps.  Some in uniform, like I was, who had taken time off of work to take their child to the base clinic.  The room was full, so children were on laps and everyone was on their best behavior because they were either seriously out-ranked, like I was, or setting good examples for the younger troops.

Well, my daughter and I were looking at a picture book with animals in it and she was telling me what all the animals were.  Oh, I suppose I should tell you that she was about 2 or 3 years old at this point.  And I turned the page and she pretty much yells at the top of her lungs, “THERE IT IS DADDY!  THERE’S MY CUNT!  THERE’S MY CUNT THAT I LOST!!!  IT’S RIGHT THERE!!  THERE’S MY CUNT!!!

Well, after all the gasps and the “Oh, my”s and of course all the stern looks from the higher ranking people in the room, which, of course was just about every single one of them and them trying to look over and see what my patches were so they knew what squadron I was in and what my name tape said so that they could shoot me at dawn at the very least.  I turned to my little girl and said, “No sweetheart, that is a skunk.”

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours

This is what Venice looks like from above.

I know, right?

And from brother Wheats:  “He’s so stupid he could fuck up an anvil with a rubber hammer.”

I really kinda like that one.

My 5 year old is convinced that she has a super power.

The super power is that she can smell ants.

 

Only a fool would give up a weapon in order for the government to protect them.

The government cannot even stop a telemarketer.

 

And one more point …

If you MUST burn OUR flag, please do us a favor and wrap yourself in it first!

And now, on our way out the door and while I’m prepping for this damn colonoscopy…

Let’s start with a little essay that you’ve probably seen before

Price Of Freedom

Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence? 

Five signers were captured by the British as traitors and tortured before they died. 

Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. 

Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured. 

Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War. 

They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor. 

What kind of men were they? 

Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists.

Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well-educated. 

But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured. 

Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags. 

Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward. 

Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton. 

At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson Jr, noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters.  He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt. 

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed.  The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months. 

John Hart was driven from his wife’s bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives.  His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste.  For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart. 

Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates. 

Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. 

These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more.  Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged:

“For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor.” 

They gave you and me a free and independent America.

The history books never told you a lot about what happened in the Revolutionary War.  We didn’t fight just the British.  We were British subjects at that time and we fought our own government!  Some of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn’t. 

Remember: freedom is never free!

Take a minute to think about what these patriots went through, what they fought for, what they sacrificed.  And now ask yourself what you are willing to go through, what are you willing to fight for, and what are you willing to sacrifice now? 

And even a bigger question…do you think that the representatives that we have in Washington and in our State Capitals are willing and able to do the things that these patriots did?  And if not … shouldn’t they be?

Cheers my friends,

Impish Dragon