Dragon Laffs #1917


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Good Morning Campers,450

Yes, it is a bit of a strange header … but as you are reading this, I will be in an operating room somewhere with a camera shoved up my bum.  I’m sure the prep will be exciting on Sunday, which is why I’m writing this issue on Friday and Saturday.  I can hardly wait. 

I’m so excited …

I’m enthusiastic …

Do I sound truthful?

Good, cause I’m NOT!

I’m not allowed to eat anything on Sunday.  I’m allowed broth and ice pops and crap like that.  I can’t even have cream in my coffee!!!  What kind of savages have we become?!?!

Then of course nothing after midnight and my procedure isn’t even until afternoon on Monday.  This will be exciting for the doctor.

A non-caffeinated, non-cigared dragon on a Monday morning?  He’s a dead man.  He has no idea what awaits him … but then again, this is a man who looks up people’s asses for a living.  I imagine he’s probably seen it all.  What more could one little dragon offer? 

I guess we’re going to find out …

So…while we get ready for this … procedure.  Let’s do some laughing first, shall we?  Cause really, can you imagine anything funnier than a dragon with a tube shoved up his … anyway, let’s laugh.

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Common Sense is not a gift, it is a punishment.

Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

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The path of inner peace begins with four words …

Not My Fucking Problem

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One door closes and another one opens.

One door closes and another one opens.

One door closes and another one opens.

Me – eating my way through a chocolate advent calendar.

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Before coffee: I hate everyone

After coffee:  I feel good about hating everyone

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Don’t believe everything you read in a public toilet.  Sharon is not up for a good time.

What an awkward phone call that was…

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I have questions…

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Dragon Pix

bookwyrm2merrilywm

Yes, as a matter of fact, that IS a game that we play…

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Weird Fact

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The entire town of Whittier, Alaska lives under one roof.

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Our dear friend and fellow camper Dave sent me this advice …

When you go for your colonoscopy, as long as when you ask where to put your pants, the doctor doesn’t say, “next to mine”, you’ll be okay.

And as long as there isn’t a disco ball in the ceiling …

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3Bqn05VNXQ

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Leah D answered our Florida Man quiz…

Florida Man February 23 “Florida Man Makes Ghostly Guitar From His Metal Head Uncle’s Skeleton”.

Not bad Leah … I personally don’t think it beats my December 24th one, that, if you don’t remember was … Florida Man Bites His Brother’s Penis Off After He Walks In On His Brother Having Sex With His Cousin On His Favorite Dragon Ball Z Blanket … Yeah, I’m gonna stick with mine.  What are we talking about?  Well, if you missed our last episode, the game is this:

Go to Google and type in: Florida man and your birthday, like Lynn did who originally sent this in:

Florida Man November 19

A Florida man has been arrested for having sex with a miniature horse on multiple occasions, deputies say

And I say I have the top winner.  So far, I’ve done Mrs. Dragon:

Florida man ticketed after eating pancakes in middle of intersection

And Izzy Dragon:

Naked Florida man causes fire while baking cookies on George Foreman Grill

So, there is a challenge on the table, the gauntlet has been dropped, the flag has been … um … waved … or whatever.  Come one folks, show us what you got!

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Not a youngster out there will probably be able to identify what they even are!!

Fantasy

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What drones look like in my world.

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Know

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Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol!

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Okay, I don’t know about you, but I’m fucking impressed!

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Motivate

exorcism

Expendability

Experts

Explaination

Explanation

Explosives

Extreme hobbies

Extreme Tank Sports

Exuberance

F the systsem

Fabulous

Face Finder

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Hats off to the waiter who kept a straight face as my 5 year old ordered the vagina for lunch instead of the lasagna.

Now that’s a professional!

My daughter (not Izzy, my other daughter) once, a long, long time ago, when I was a young airman, sitting in an air force base hospital pediatrics clinic almost caused a colonel’s wife to cry.  Now, please excuse me ladies, for I must use a word that I don’t like to use.  It’s a vulgar word for a beautiful part of the body.  Or, it’s used to describe a horrible person when bitch just isn’t strong enough.  Anyway, my daughter had been telling us that she was missing her cunt and she couldn’t find it anywhere.  It was black and furry and it was missing.  And we, for the life of us had no idea what she was talking about.  Well, that was the back story.  Now, to the making of wives cry.

Like I said, we were in this waiting room.  All these parents with children on their laps.  Some in uniform, like I was, who had taken time off of work to take their child to the base clinic.  The room was full, so children were on laps and everyone was on their best behavior because they were either seriously out-ranked, like I was, or setting good examples for the younger troops.

Well, my daughter and I were looking at a picture book with animals in it and she was telling me what all the animals were.  Oh, I suppose I should tell you that she was about 2 or 3 years old at this point.  And I turned the page and she pretty much yells at the top of her lungs, “THERE IT IS DADDY!  THERE’S MY CUNT!  THERE’S MY CUNT THAT I LOST!!!  IT’S RIGHT THERE!!  THERE’S MY CUNT!!!

Well, after all the gasps and the “Oh, my”s and of course all the stern looks from the higher ranking people in the room, which, of course was just about every single one of them and them trying to look over and see what my patches were so they knew what squadron I was in and what my name tape said so that they could shoot me at dawn at the very least.  I turned to my little girl and said, “No sweetheart, that is a skunk.”

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My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours

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Breathtaking

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This is what Venice looks like from above.

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I know, right?

And from brother Wheats:  “He’s so stupid he could fuck up an anvil with a rubber hammer.”

I really kinda like that one.

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My 5 year old is convinced that she has a super power.

The super power is that she can smell ants.

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Political

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Only a fool would give up a weapon in order for the government to protect them.

The government cannot even stop a telemarketer.

 

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And one more point …

If you MUST burn OUR flag, please do us a favor and wrap yourself in it first!

And now, on our way out the door and while I’m prepping for this damn colonoscopy…

Last Word

Let’s start with a little essay that you’ve probably seen before

Price Of Freedom

Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence? 

Five signers were captured by the British as traitors and tortured before they died. 

Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. 

Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured. 

Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War. 

They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor. 

What kind of men were they? 

Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists.

Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well-educated. 

But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured. 

Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags. 

Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward. 

Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton. 

At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson Jr, noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters.  He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt. 

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed.  The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months. 

John Hart was driven from his wife’s bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives.  His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste.  For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart. 

Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates. 

Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. 

These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more.  Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged:

“For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor.” 

They gave you and me a free and independent America.

The history books never told you a lot about what happened in the Revolutionary War.  We didn’t fight just the British.  We were British subjects at that time and we fought our own government!  Some of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn’t. 

Remember: freedom is never free!

Take a minute to think about what these patriots went through, what they fought for, what they sacrificed.  And now ask yourself what you are willing to go through, what are you willing to fight for, and what are you willing to sacrifice now? 

And even a bigger question…do you think that the representatives that we have in Washington and in our State Capitals are willing and able to do the things that these patriots did?  And if not … shouldn’t they be?

Cheers my friends,

Impish Dragon

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1917

  1. Leah D says:

    I was so shocked to see Venice, I actually did a google search to make sure it was true.
    Believe it or not: My husband’s colonoscopy found the reason/cure for his extremely bad breath.

  2. Cynical John says:

    After your colonoscopy, just tell your friends (and enemies) that what hey have been saying about you for years is not true, and you have the pictures to prove it.

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