It’s Thursday night and I hurried home from work today to jump on my lawnmower to get the jungle cut down…or…um…lawn mowed, so I could start my LONG FOUR-DAY WEEKEND!!! Four days off with nothing to … oh …
wait…
I’ve got appointments most of the day tomorrow, so can’t really count Friday as a day off, although it will be nice to not have to go into work and get to sleep in a little… oh …
wait…
The first appointment is first thing in the morning so I don’t get to sleep in? Well, that’s okay, at least I’ll get a nice three-day weekend to sit back, relax, and … oh …
wait…
I’ve got to catch up on my shopping and I promised Izzy I’d take her to different stores in actually two different towns, one on one side of where we live and one on the other side of where we live and then I have a graduation party to go to for a friend’s daughter who is graduating high school. Now, mind you, she is special to me and I’m very proud of her for going to Army basic training during the summer between her junior and senior year and now she is in the Army National Guard WHILE she is still in high school … BUT.
Okay, so it’s a two-day weekend, with Church on Sunday and nothing scheduled for Monday (so far)…it’s more than I usually get, so I’m CALLING THIS ONE A WIN!!!
So, let’s get Saturday’s issue put together so we can put some time into Monday’s Memorial Day episode. So, let’s do this!
His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi … And he needed a loan, So … he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The good ‘ole boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”
His name was BUBBA….
Keep an eye on those southern boys!
Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid.
Another really old one, but good one…Thanks Joe!
My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet, who found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Nora that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some “Immac” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.
Nora went to the chemist and bought some “Immac” hair remover. At the till, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
Nora say’s, “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t shave for a couple of days.”
Nora replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”
The pharmacist say’s, “Oh well, in that case, stay off your bicycle for about a week.”
I’m going to tell you right now, before you guys start throwing things at me, that it was Lynn! Lynn sent in all this really bad groaners and puns that you are about to read. Yes, I know it was me that printed them, but it was Lynn, LYNN who sent them in.
The Roman emperor’s wife hates playing hide and seek because wherever she goes, Julius Caesar.
I like what mechanics wear, overall.
If you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.
I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta
I don’t know what you call a small spillage from a pen but I have an inkling.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.
I hate funerals — I’m not a mourning person.
I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite remarkable.
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester.
Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.
The other day she tried to make a chemistry joke, but got no reaction.
It’s funny — England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but has a Liverpool.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I’m not going to ask you again, WHERE THE HECK ARE MY GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!?!?
If an old dude ever gives you advice while peeling an apple with a pocket knife and eating pieces right off the blade, you should probably take it.
“Shhh! I’m hiding!”
This one is just plain cool!!!
Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon…No matter how good you are, the bird is going to crap on the board and strut around like it won anyway.
You never appreciate what you have till it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.
What in the world is going on here?! I have some SERIOUS questions!!
WHAT THE HELL???!!!!
Do you remember the Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up from the nightmare and he’s in the web of the giant spider? Yeah, same thing.
You’re never too old to throw random stuff into people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.
When I grow up I want to be a retired Lottery Winner.
The highest-grossing film of all time is not “Avatar” or “Avengers: Endgame,” but a 1946 Soviet propaganda film called “The Great Citizen,” which is estimated to have sold over 425 million tickets.
The 1971 film “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” was financed by Quaker Oats as a way to promote a new candy bar, but the candy bar failed and the film became a cult classic.
The first-ever Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards, “Wings,” featured several actors who actually fought in World War I, including a 21-year-old named Gary Cooper.
The world’s shortest feature film, “Fresh Guacamole,” is just 1 minute and 40 seconds long and was nominated for an Academy Award in 2013.
The highest-paid actor of all time is Marlon Brando, who made $3.7 million for just 12 days of work on the film “Superman” in 1978.
DAD JOKE WARNING!!
I was racking up to play pool with my son, and he said, “Do you wanna break?”
“Why?” I said, “We haven’t even started yet!”
!Breaking!
A new and more lethal OMICRON variant has been detected.
It’s called BS-24/7.
It attacks the truth and insults your intelligence.
I’m trying, sign. I’m trying.
Okay, you say “Trans-gendered”
I say “Neutered“…same thing.
That’s five…
If you’re ever in a fist fight and you win, call them an ambulance. Now, not only have you kicked their butt, they also have to pay $5k for an ambulance ride.
Inoculate your kids against socialism by having them clean the bathroom. Pay them $10. Then take away $7 and give it to their sibling who didn’t help. Socialism won’t seem so attractive then!
In college we named our intramural softball team “NO GAME SCHEDULED” because if the other team didn’t show up they lost their league deposit and forfeited. It worked several times. Everyone hated us and nothing as cool as that has happened to me since.
Welcome to the rest of us Calvin’s Dad.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
Well, yeah. Everybody knows this.
Actually, that’s a pretty good dad joke.
And I know I’ve run this one before, but it is worth running over and over again…
For all of you morons out there asking for “Father’s Day” and “Mother’s Day” to be changed to “Special Person’s Day” there is already a day just for you.
It’s the first of April and it’s called “April Fool’s Day!”
And with that crappy Dad Joke we’ll end it right here for the day.
Dragon Laffs 
I envy your time off as I work the weekend and Monday. On the plus side they are finally paying me what I think I’m worth for Monday. I already know it will be a stay late day…just a feeling mind you nothing to do with all that extra money….
Be the reason someone smiles today . . . reminds me of why I hate electric cars. Three of us wild women are driving mile upon mile through the nothing part of Wyoming. We have to pee, so pulled over, knew we could hear any vehicle, so pants down we were when a man driving a small electric motorbike laughed and waved!