It’s Thursday and the week is mostly done.  It’s also a UTA weekend coming up and I have to work, so I’m giving you the normal UTA weekend warning…since I have to work there may or may not be a …

Saturday Episode

Monday Episode

But I will do my level best to warn you and let you know that I am alive and kicking.  I don’t think there will be a problem this weekend because it doesn’t look like it’s going to be that bad of a weekend, but then again, we had snow on Monday, May first…May Day.  So yeah, mayday! mayday!  We had snow on May Day!

I know, right?

I texted Izzy, I said, “Hey!  Good news!  It stopped raining!… … … … And started snowing!!!”

She texted back, “I hate Indiana.”

You know what they say, “If you don’t like the weather, wait a minute.”

I will say that we skipped right over spring.  We went from winter, to summer, and now back to fall, going into winter again.  Global warming my big tail!  This has got to be driving the conspiracy theory guys nuts right now.  Just saw a thing on line that we’ve had more tornadoes this year than most other years.  Well, that has to prove something, right?  But…what does it prove?  They’ll come up with something.  Too much oxygen in the air.  We need to cut down more trees.

Who knows.

I have been getting some really great emails from some of you guys.  We’ve got a fellow camper named Wouter from South Africa who reads us all the time, sent us a great family pic and some great information about South Africa.  I’ll share the family picture if he says I can, so Wouter, if you’re listening, can I share the family picture with the rest of the campers?  I guess we’ll have to wait until the weekend to find out.  But he did give me some great advice about traveling to South Africa.  He said that if you ever travel to there make sure you bring your GPS.  When I asked him why all he showed me was this picture:

Took me a second to figure it out.  Then I laughed like a crazy man.  It is pretty ingenious.  

Anyway….lots of funny stuff to get to today, so whattaya say we get to some of it? Oh, and by the way…

Thanks Pete…now…

Defendant: “Your Honor, I’m being unfairly accused of robbery because I’m a locksmith by profession!” 

Judge: “Can you explain what you were doing at the scene of the crime when the police arrived?” 

Defendant: “Just making a bolt for the door!” 

It would be funnier if you spelled it correctly.

Annoying Things To Do In A Restaurant 

In a fancy restaurant insist the waiter tells you the names of all the fish in the fish tank. 

Ask for a seat for your ‘imaginary friend’. 

Growl constantly and address everyone as ‘Matey’. 

Bring your own menu. 

Stare at a neighbour’s food until they say something and then reply, “Oh don’t mind me, I’m just looking for the piece of food that flew out of my mouth.” 

Burp the National Anthem, call anyone who objects unpatriotic. 

Yell, “Oh no not now!” and make a mad dash to the bathroom. 

That’s all well and good and actually quite funny, but before you leave (or get thrown out) you BETTER tip the server VERY WELL!!!

Joe says: It was the night before my bypass surgery, the doctor wanted me to take a shower; which was fine with me, after three days of using a basin and washcloth. 

As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. The one asked, “Are you going to be able to manage OK?” 

I said, “I feel weak and dizzy.  Perhaps both of you would be kind enough to get in the shower with me.” 

The little blonde Nurse looked up and said, “Nice try.” 

Now, I’m not saying that it was OUR Joe from NJ…but it does sound like something he would do.

Friendly kids are always drawing pictures of me.  This one said that since I was a blue dragon, it must be cold where I was … because I was blue because I was cold.  Okay, I can see the logic in that one, I guess.

On a family vacation in Texas, Mike exhibited all the exuberance of a tourist. 

At a diner, he and his brothers ordered cheeseburgers. 

When his meal arrived, the first thing Mike noticed was its size. 

“Wow,” he exclaimed, “everything is bigger in Texas!” 

As he lifted the burger to his lips, his eyes met the cold stare of a 300+ pound waitress…. 

An Irish businessman in the first-class cabin decided

to chat with the drop-dead-gorgeous flight attendant:

“Excuse me, beautiful… What is your name?”

Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”

Businessman: “Lovely name . . . any relation to Mercedes Benz?”

Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close.”

Businessman: “How close?”

Flight Attendant: “Same price.”

Watch: Utah DOT uses dish soap to slide 5.3-million-pound bridge into place

https://www.fox26houston.com/news/watch-utah-dot-uses-dish-soap-to-slide-5-3-million-pound-bridge-into-place

This is way cool.  Well worth clicking on.  This is not an ad for Dawn dish soap, but it ought to be.  Click on the link, watch the video, read the article.  WORTH IT!  Thanks to Leah D. for this one!

So, I had this dream…

What if I see a steamroller?

Our Yearly Dementia Test

Okay campers, it’s that time of year for us to take our annual Senior Citizen Dementia Test.  Exercising your brain is one of the most important things you can do to keep it sharp and strong.  As we grow older, it is so very important to keep mentally alert.  If you don’t use it, you lose it!  Seriously.  Our little test below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test.  You guys all remember the last test, right?  If you don’t remember the last test, that’s a bad sign, folks.  

Anyway, some of you may find this test very easy but those of you with memory problems may find it a little difficult.  So go ahead and take the test that those of us here at Dragon Laffs went out of our way to hire the very best doctors (and lawyers) to present here to you today to help you determine if you’re losing it or not.  The spaces in between the questions are so that you don’t see the answers until you’ve made YOUR answers. 

Okay?

You got it?

You ready?

Relax, clear your mind and begin…

 

 

1.  What do you put in a toaster? 

 

 

 

 

Answer:  “Bread”.  If you said “toast” give up now and do something else…
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said “Bread” go to Question 2.

 

 

 

 

2.  Now, you must actually do this out loud.  Say “Silk” five times.  Now spell “Silk”.  What do cows drink?  

 

 

 

 

Answer:  Cows drink water.  If you said “milk” don’t attempt the next question.  Your brain is over-stressed, may overheat and perhaps even burst into flames.  Flames are good for dragons, not for you guys.  Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Mad Magazine.
However, if you said “water” you may proceed to question 3.

 

 

 

 

3.  If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? 

 

 

 

 

Answer:  Greenhouses are made from glass!  If you said “Green Bricks” why are you still reading these questions?
If you said “glass” go on to Question 4.

 

 

 

 

4.  Okay, without using a calculator, you are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.  In London 17 people get on the bus.  In Reading 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.  In Swindon 2 people get off and 4 get on.  In Cardiff 11 people get off and 16 people get on.  In Swansea 3 people get off and 5 people get on.  In Carmathen 6 people get off and 3 get on.  You then arrive at Milford Haven…

Without scrolling back to review…

…how old is the bus driver? 

 

 

 

 

Answer:  Oh for crying-out-loud!  Don’t you remember your own age!

It was YOU driving the bus!! 

If  you pass this on to your friends, pray they do better than you.

Don’t feel too bad! 

95% of people fail most of the questions! 

So, I need to thanks Joe from NJ for this one…sorta…it was taken and modified, slightly, by this dragon that I know to make it fit a bit better into this venue.  There were a couple of questions that I left out.  What questions are those?  You ask…well, like so a plane crashes on the border between Canada and the United States, then by international law where are the survivors buried?  Or how about this one…God told him to build an Ark, so how many of each animal did Moses bring on to the Ark with him?  Okay, one more.  My favorite.  If seven men can dig seven holes in seven hours, how long will it take for one man to dig half a hole?

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing…if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

-Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

Joe sends us this true story…

This supposedly true story is about a pastor (who is not a computer literate person by his own admission) as he told of a real phone call he received from the church secretary.

Secretary: Pastor, we’ve got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mice.

Pastor: What?!?! {thinking: we’ve got mice in there????}

Secretary: Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls.

Pastor: {incredulously:} Th..th…they did what?????? How in the world did they do that?

Secretary: They must have used a screwdriver or something.

Pastor: We’ve got some pretty sick boys… I… I… didn’t even realize mice had balls…

Secretary: Yeah, they roll around on ’em all the time.

Pastor: What?????? {still thinking of the little furry real animals} Well…what can we do?

Secretary: I guess we’ll have to put ’em back on.

Pastor: WHAT????????!!!!!!

Secretary: Hmmm….Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?!

Yeah…no.  I’m pretty sure you both talking about two completely different things.

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, “I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there.”

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, “I’ve never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look.”

The next day, Mrs.Schmidlap asks the girl and the two of them go into the bedroom and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, “I’ve never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?” So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her.

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, “I hope you’re satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine.”

Her husband says, “You think you were embarrassed…I had the four guys I play darts with in the closet with me.”

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window.

Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. 

Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time.” 

A young woman, feeling morning dizziness and strange cravings, goes to see a gynecologist. 

After a thorough examination, the Doctor tells her: 

“Well, my dear, I am puzzled; the test shows that you are pregnant, but when I examined you, I found that you are still a virgin. 

I mean, your hymen is not ruptured, except for seven tiny holes, a little more that pinpricks, actually…. by the way, what did you say your name was?” 

“My name is Snow White”, replies the girl.

I especially like this one coming up, since I used to load nukes for a living.  So I know this statistic quite well.  But they’ve put this together quite well!

My guess is that if a dead body was found in the trunk of Hillary’s car, the FBI would ask Trump why he did it.

I’m laughing at the people saying Elon Musk could have given $44 Billion to “help the poor and feed the hungry.”

Why aren’t they saying that about Bezos, Bloomberg, Buffett, Gates, Soros, Zuckerberg, and Schwab?

That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all day!!

That’s Democrat math.  The same math that tells us that those of us with a good credit rating are going to pay more on our mortgage to help those on their mortgage with a bad credit rating.

“There’s a corner of my heart that is yours.  And I don’t mean for now, or until I’ve found somebody else, I mean forever.  I mean to say that whether I fall in love, a thousand times over or once or never again, there’ll always be a small quiet place in my heart that belongs only to you.”

Beau Taplin || The Corner

Sorry I haven’t gotten anything done today.  I’ve been in the produce department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

I’ve had my socks on the wrong feet all day.

And we’re back!  And I’m almost out of time and energy.  Remember last time, we left off with Marsha saying: