So, I went for my dental consultation today. Not at all what I expected. They want to replace my upper dentures and my lowers insert 4 fake teeth in the top and the bottom for supported dentures. Pull the remaining teeth on the bottom. Do some reconstruction (?) and the total price is more than I paid for both of my vehicles.

Are you guys sitting down?

WITH insurance. Now, mind you, insurance doesn’t cover much of this, which I knew going in, but still.

More than Eighteen Thousand dollars. That’s $18,000! $18K!

So, Holly wants me to go to her dentist. She also has a dental friend who wants to look over the plan. But honestly, there’s no way in hell I can afford that.

“But we have payment plans.”

I’m sure you do! I saw the notes, at 18% interest. I could take the money out of my TSP. But, I’m not going to! That’s my flippin’ retirement! Lame as it is! Start a Go Fund Me? Not on your life!

So, my next thing is to go back to my dentist or Holly’s dentist and find out what plan B, C, and D are. Stay with the uppers that I have and figure out what I need to do to fix the lowers. Still gonna cost me, but keep it in the realm of what I can afford.

Eighteen thousand dollars … they are out of their ever-lovin’ minds …

Come on, we need to laff!

But! Before we do! We have more people to thank!

The latest donations and thank you’s go out to: (From newest to oldest)

Donald G.****Leah H.****Dan T.****Steve H.****Sammye****Pop Smith

I don’t know if I put this in the last episode or not, but if I did, it’s funny enough to repeat.

I believe this is a real story. Received it from a friend of mine;

___________________

Felix and Jury Duty

Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat.

Not a mistake. “Felix Martinez” was his full name according to his vet records.

My last name. His first name. Somehow he’s a registered voter now.

Called the county clerk.

Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty.

Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons?

Me: Yes, but he’s a cat.

Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county?

Me: He’s a legal cat.

Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption.

Me: He can’t file anything. He has paws.

Clerk: You can file on his behalf.

Me: Under what exemption? There’s no box for “is a cat.”

Clerk: (pause) Check “unable to serve due to medical reasons.”

Me: What’s the medical reason?

Clerk: He’s a cat.

Me: That’s not a medical condition.

Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving.

Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later.

“Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional’s statement.”

Took the letter to my vet.

Me: I need you to write that my cat can’t do jury duty.

Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty?

Me: Excellent question. No good answer.

Vet: This is the weirdest request I’ve gotten.

Me: Can you just write that he’s medically unfit to serve?

Vet: On what grounds?

Me: He’s a cat.

Vet: (started typing) “Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings.”

Me: Perfect.

Sent it in. Got another rejection.

“Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court.”

My roommate thought this was hilarious.

Roommate: Felix is going to jail.

Me: This is serious.

Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens.

Decided that was actually the only option left.

Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters.

Checked in at the courthouse.

Clerk: Name?

Me: Felix Martinez.

Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix?

Me: Yes.

Clerk: (long stare) He’s a cat.

Me: I’ve been saying that for six weeks.

Clerk: Why didn’t you file an exemption?

Me: I filed three. All rejected.

Showed the letters. The clerk read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief.

Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation?

Me: Twice.

Clerk: (called a supervisor over) You need to see this.

The supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me.

Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote?

Me: You tell me.

Supervisor: This is a data error.

Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out.

They dismissed Felix immediately and apologized for the inconvenience.

Supervisor: We’ll remove him from the voter registry.

Me: Appreciate it.

Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted?

Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats.

Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card.

For me this time.

Apparently I wasn’t registered, but my cat was.

Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud.

Me: Felix committed nothing. He’s innocent.

Roommate: That’s what they all say.

Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now.

Fitting end to his legal career.

Taking time out because I just read of a call that came in last night across the air of a 10-16 (domestic dispute) (usually the worst call a cop wants to hear) and the app that I have let’s me hear the actual call. And bless her, the 911 dispatcher in a complete deadpan voice says, “The CP (complainant) advises that the female half has climbed into a little black car and is now chasing the male half around the yard in the car.” I laughed SO HARD! You just gotta love little Peru, Indiana!

Yes! Yes it does!

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

– Saint Augustine (354-430)

Indiana, Evansville Law

While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.

Some of you won’t get that one, either!

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. 

He says ”Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy’s closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed…” 

The mother interupts him. ”Stop right there!! Wait ’till daddy comes home!!” 

When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ”I’m leaving you.” 

The father, bewildered, slowly asks ”Why!?! What did I do??”

The mother turns to Johnny and says ” tell daddy exactly what you told me today!” 

”I was playing in daddy’s closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each other’s clothes off and laid down on the bed…just like what you and Uncle Joe did last summer.”

Get your tissues out!

This one scared the daylights out of me!

The family of a recently deceased millionaire gathered in a sleek corner office for the reading of the will. The attorney cleared his throat, put on his glasses, and began to read.

“To my devoted wife, Rose, who stood by my side through thick and thin, I leave the estate, the luxury fleet, and $10 million.”

The widow wiped away a tear.

“To my brilliant daughter, Jessica, who nursed me through illness and built my company into an empire, I leave the business, the yacht, and $5 million.”

Jessica smiled softly through her grief.

“And finally,” the attorney continued, glancing up at the back of the room, “to my cousin Dan, who constantly insulted me, wished for my downfall, and insisted I’d never mention him in my will…”

The attorney leaned forward and whispered, “Well, Dan, you were wrong. Hi Dan!”

And that’s it for today my friends. I hope you enjoyed this one as much as I did. Until next time. Still looking for more donations to keep this rag going my friends. If you need more ways to donate than through PayPal on the website. Remember you can go to the website at dragonlaffs.com and on the upper right side hit the donate button or you can write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and I can give you the snail mail address or how to transfer from bank to bank. Until then…