This is going to sound terrible, but I have no time.  I have to try and get as much of this done as possible, so no lead in to this one.  Instead, I’m going to jump right into the fun stuff.  Maybe I’ll have a chance later to get into the writing part of this.  In the mean time…

My trainer said I should do lunges to stay in shape.  That would be a big step forward.

While reversing the car today, I thought…

“Aah!  This takes me back.”

Five ants rented an apartment with five other ants now they are tenants together.

Some day you are going to grow up and eat entire villages.

I’m in the hospital after being diagnosed with bad camouflage disease.  They’ve just moved me to ICU.

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”.

There so stupid.

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful, but that’s not how Julius Caesar. 

And each bubble is a new dream, a new life, a new thought …

Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can’t use nicknames at work anymore…

Statistically speaking, you’d think I’d make a good decision once in a while out of sheer luck.

Nope.

Getting older is like visiting an all you can eat buffet.  What should be hot is cold, what should be firm is limp, and the buns are bigger than anything else on the menu!

That’s a REALLY GOOD question…

“I’m definitely going to need more coffee for this crap.”

~ Me, every morning

Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls.  No guy has ever said, “Bro, she was ugly…but that purse…”

“We are all searching for someone whose demons play well with ours.” ~ Meghan Coates

And this is where I was when I failed to send out Thursday’s edition.  And where I was when I sent my apology.  And where I was when I realized that a bunch of you guys can be really mean.  (Said tongue in cheek and with laughter in my heart because I really do appreciate the fact that you guys tease right back quite well.)  What am I talking about?  Here, let me show you…

And thank you very much to the lot of you who send sweet and kind letters and notes of appreciation and kindness for my slight delay in getting this (hic!) issisode out to youse.

So now burning a Gay flag is called a “Hate Crime” but burning the American Flag is FREE SPEECH!!!

Great!  So now the Mexicans are getting in on it, too?!

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. 
All problems should be solved that way. 
Too much pollution?  Release wolves in factories.
  Dislike Congress?  Wolves. 
Wanna lose weight? 
That’s right, wolves.

And that is EXACTLY what is wrong with our country right now!!!!

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn…

…and now we wait.

My buddy Steve tied a level to the top of his head.

Now he’s Even Steven.

My wife asks me to remind her of stuff.

That way, if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

The one that’s been getting me lately is everyone is calling me about my Medicare.  I’m not flippin’ ON Medicare!!!  That doesn’t seem to matter!  I get at least 9 calls a week.  And they are all from different numbers.

So, this is where I would normally end this issue, but since it’s going to be late … all the way to Saturday, I’m going to throw a bit extra in there…

This one is sent in by Joe from NJ and he’s called it, “My Life”

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Doctor, you’ve gotta help me… my wife Sharon just isn’t interested in sex anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?”

“Look, Charlie, I can’t prescribe…”

“Doctor, we’ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can’t think; I can’t concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You’ve got to help me.”

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental, but the tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful. Don’t give Sharon more than ONE, understand?… JUST one. One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?”

“Um… okay.”

Charlie expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where Sharon has dinner waiting.

When dinner is finished, Sharon goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Charlie, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into Sharon’s coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.

And then he begins to worry. The Doc did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes: Charlie drops one pill into his own coffee.

Sharon returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our Charlie with poorly concealed anticipation.

Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, Sharon shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice Charlie has never heard Sharon use before, she says, “I… need… a man..!!!”

Charlie eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, “Me… too..!!!.”

The quiet of the hospital was broken by the piercing sirens, and white-clad guards ran everywhere looking for the missing mental patient to no avail.

Later that evening, the police, responding to a report of a woman screaming, surrounded a house.

As they pulled up, they could see activity through a gap in the curtains, and the lights abruptly went out. Repeated knocking and ringing of the bell being unavailing, they broke down the door.

To their horror, they saw a woman lying naked on the floor and the mental patient just pulling up his pants. The mental patient ran to a large bedroom window, picked up a stool, broke it out, and tried to make his escape into the fields behind the house.

One of the officers, not quick enough to catch him, fired at the fleeing form, hitting him in the arm. The impact and surprise threw the fleeing felon off balance, and he crashed into the low fence surrounding the back yard.

The man was treated at the local hospital, and sent back to the institution, where he was placed under guard in solitary confinement

The headline in the local paper the next day read:

NUT BOLTS AND SCREWS
Police Wing Nut, Lock Nut Up

A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.

At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training.

When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief.

“I’m so glad you’re teaching me instead of him.”

Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.

Yes,” she said, “but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people.”

A Rabbi who’s been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he’s never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel.

He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu.

As he’s eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant. He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they’d chosen the same time to visit the same remote location!

Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.

The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, “Wow – you order an apple in this place and look how it’s served!”

And on that practical note, we’ll call this one an issue.  I hope you all  had as much fun as I did playing with the laughter.  And may God Bless you all with Joy and Love until we meet again (hopefully on Monday).