Dragon Laffs #1984


Good Morning Campers, 

Well, I’m in the midst of governmental bureaucratic red-tape in regards to Mrs. Dragon’s life insurance, which I also found out is SIGNIFICANTLY less than I thought it was.  Sigh.  It is, what it is.  Why in God’s name do they need a copy of my marriage license?  They’ve known I was married and listed me as married and given me insurance as married and EVERYTHING else in my records has me listed as married as married, but now that she’s dead, they want a copy of our marriage license from 26 almost 27 bloody years ago!!!!! 

And of course, I have no fracking idea where it is! 

Why? 

Because Mrs. Dragon always took care of that sort of thing!!!! 

So, Izzy Dragon spent HOURS looking for it while I was at work.  Searched “everywhere”.  (Notice the quotes, they are important.) 

I come home early from work, because it’s that damn important.  And I know that Mrs. Dragon put a lot of important papers in this special box on the bottom shelf in our room.  I ask Izzy Dragon, did you check in there? 

Her reply is, “Yes, I took everything out of that box and put it back, just the way it was.” 

I said, “Let’s look again.” 

Izzy Dragon rolls her eyes, as only a 20 year-old female dragon can.  I can actually hear them swirl as they clear the top lids. 

I lower my arthritis laden, bad hip pain ensconced body to the floor and reach for the box that has several items on top of it.  One of the items piled on top of said box is a small white box that, when opened contains …

… one each Wedding Certificate.  As if Mrs. Dragon herself placed it there because she knew that would be the very first place I looked. 

Izzy Dragon’s only observation?  “I actually had to move that little box to get to the bigger one underneath and was very proud of myself that I remembered to put it back on top, right where I found it.” 

We both laughed and then we both cried. 

And then she spend a solid five minutes helping me up off the floor. 

AND…

I got a call from the surgeon’s office today.  They’ve released the restrictions on elective surgeries and they are ready to schedule my hip replacement.  Which is a wonderful thing, because I hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, but without Mrs. Dragon … I don’t have anyone to drive me home from the hospital, help me recover, drive me to physical therapy, or to any of the many follow on doctor appointments I’ll have after the surgery.  Plus, I’m a little busy right now.  So, I explained the situation to the nice young man who called and politely declined.  He politely said that he would move my file down in the stack and call me back in a couple of weeks, but the doctor said I was important and to get me scheduled…and you don’t argue with the doctor.

So fuck!

And that’s been my day.  Yeah…like that.  So, today. let’s take the world’s bullshit and toss it right in the trash where it belongs and chase it all away with laughter.  

RIGHT

FUCKING

NOW!

Just NO!, dammit!

Our dear friend of the show, Aussie Pete, sent the following:

PARANOIA  OR  COINCIDENCE  ?????

I had an interesting thing happen to me twice within a couple of days.

I was handed change for a banknote at two separate shops and both times I was short-changed. Hmmmmmm.

Both times it was a teenager and I was wondering with the proliferation of ‘Social Media’   is it possible that people ( particularly teens )  could be posting nefarious advice suggesting older folk don’t check their change and you can earn good money by short-changing them. 

PARANOIA  OR  COINCIDENCE  ?????

Anyway,   either way,  be advised ,  always check your change.

P.

I have another theory, although I do believe you may also be correct, but it also may be that our young people today are just incapable of counting back change correctly.  And this comes from the dad with a daughter who is incapable of counting back change correctly, even sometimes when the cash register tells her how much change TO count back correctly.

 

The man entered his home and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in the house.

That is wrong in SO many ways!!!! But, it’s also funny, so I have to use it!  Damn!

And sometimes, that really sucks.

Wanted:  Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.  No weirdos.  

And you learned not to look like a fucking idiot!

After 10 years, a wife started to think their child looks kind of strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out and the husband replied, “You don’t remember, do you?  When we left the hospital the baby pooped and you told me go and change him, so I went inside, got a clean one, and left the dirty one there.” 

The wife fainted.

And it’s happening a lot more often lately.

One day you’ll find someone that is obsessed with you. 

It’s probably going to be a dog, but it is what it is.

But, maybe you’ll be one of the blessed few and it will be a dragon!

Me:  Alexa, remind me to go to the gym.  

Alexa:  I have added Gin to your shopping list.  

Me:  Close enough.

I think senility is going to be a fairly smooth transition for me.

You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game? 

That’s not allowed in bowling. 

I know that now.

My favorite part of attending a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

Cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was.  I told him it was between 8 am and 1 pm.

I was going to cook alligator for dinner, but realized I only had a croc pot.

 

 Brad lives in California. He was sick of the world, Covid 19, Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound up all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.

Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brad from the car.

A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition.

But his Tesla had a dead battery.

Brad is a registered California Democrat.

I still can’t believe we don’t have world peace after changing the names and pictures on pancake boxes and syrup bottles.

I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the tinned peaches.  He said, “I’ll see,” and walked away.  I asked another and he also said, “I’ll see,” and walked away. 

In the end I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.

Not many of them today…but a few…

People ask me, “Why are you single?  You’re attractive, intelligent, and creative.” 

My reply is, “I’m overqualified.”

Every day I wake up and begin the 16 hour process of getting ready for bed.

With so many things coming back in style…

I can’t wait until Morals and Intelligence become a trend again.

And on THAT note, that ought to be a good place to put an end to this episode of Dragon Laffs.  It has definitely been a tough week my friends.  Thanks to all of you who continue to offer me support, both emotionally and monetarily.  I deeply appreciate it.  I am wiped out.  Izzy Dragon is at work and I have to go pick her up in a bit, I’ve got my homework assignment to work on, I should just relax.  I think tonight, of all nights, I would have a cold glass of that Jameson that’s been calling my name since my dearest departed my presence … but I haven’t.  Not one little bit.  The truth of the matter is that I’m afraid to.  I think if I do, I’m not sure that I’ll stop.  When it’s time, I’ll tip the glass like the right proper Irish (adopted) dragon that I am in loving respect to me departed wife.  But, now is not the time.  Because now it wouldn’t be a tipping of the glass, now it would be a diving in the pool.  And I can’t do that to Izzy.  And I can’t do that to myself.  And that’s not being respectful to Mary and she wouldn’t want that for me, either. 

And now I’m friggin’ crying again, so I’m just going to say my love to you all and happiest wishes to you each, until we meet again.

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1984

  1. Marsha Mastrangelo says:

    Dont know where you are, shame cause I know a good nurse. Just a thought, call hospital that is to do your surgery, ask for social service department, explain your situation. Maybe they know of a short term program to send you an aide or some sort of short term help.

    .

  2. Stephanie says:

    Love you

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