Dragon Laffs #1983


I’d like to start today’s episode by making a very special thank you to those of you who have made a donation to me through Dragon Laffs.  I know that there are also those of you who have made donations through Izzy Dragons Go Fund Me site, but since I’m not allowed to see that (she cut me completely out and has just been putting the money aside) I can only offer you guys a generic, but heartfelt thank you.  But to those of you who have made donations through Dragon Laffs … you know … I am going to offer each of you my most heartfelt and honest thank you as well.  But, this is not like donations for paying the bills each year where I can use your names to generate more income, this is something you’ve done out of the goodness of your heart and I’m just going to say thank you.  It is sorely needed and deeply, DEEPLY appreciated.

I finally got my car back out of the shop yesterday.  Two-weeks to the day from the day it went in the shop.  This may sound horrible, but it was the first thing I thought of when I got the bill.  The car cost eighty-seven dollars and two cents more to fix than it did for Mrs. Dragon’s funeral and services.  And I have no idea why I thought of it that way.

I had my first counseling session today and was given a homework assignment.  I’m supposed to read a book called: Where is God When it Hurts? by Philip Yancey.  So, I just downloaded and will start reading it tonight.  I’ll let you guys know what I think.  

Anyway, I was taking the dogs out last night and stupid Willow dragon knocked me on my ass in the snow!  The perfect thing for a guy with two bad hips to go through.  And I got a shitty nights sleep last night because my hip was bothering me enough to keep me awake.  And since Izzy Dragon is not working tonight, I don’t have to wait up for her or go and pick her up after work, I may call it a night early tonight.  We’re supposed to have wind chills down to negative eighteen degrees tonight, so it’s gonna be a COLD one.  

And now, it’s time for this:

Did you hear about the Preschool teacher who was helping one of the children put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, “Miss, they’re on the wrong feet.”

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, ‘Why didn’t you say so?’ like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My mom made me wear them.”

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.

But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your gloves?”

He said, “I stuffed them into the toes of my boots”.

You know that’s Walmart…it HAS to be!

When I moved in to my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house warming party. 

Now I’m homeless.

I want to thank Leah dearly for sending this one along…

So very, very true!

Dear Jeff Dunham, 
Please stop by the Whitehouse and pick up your dummy.  This isn’t funny anymore.

Seamus went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law. 

One morning, the wife awakes to find her mother missing.  In a worried state, she wakes up Seamus and they both go looking for her! 

Suddenly they come to a clearing, where they find the mother-in-law standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion! 

“Quick darling, do something!” screams the wife! 

“Oh no, no” says Seamus.  “The lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out!”

My nephew’s got a new part-time job.

Playing hide-and-go-seek with the fairies can be devastatingly difficult at times.

And we DON’T wear masks.  They burn right off.

I love putting on warm underwear, fresh out of the dryer.  Plus it’s fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

No shit!  Although, you did get your picture taken and sent around the internet so you can look like an idiot in front of (hopefully) millions of people.  Fucking moron.

Thanks to Lynn for sending this great little essay.

THINGS THAT DRIVE ME CRAZY

By E.P. Unum

January 5, 2022

Welcome to Year 3 of the Chinese Virus. Here are some thoughts as we begin a new year under the Biden Build Back Broke Disintegration Plan:

— According to the American Petroleum Institute, we have enough oil in North America to fuel every single passenger car and long-haul truck for the next 430 years. We have enough natural gas to provide electricity for every business and household for the next 535 years and enough coal to provide electricity for about 500 years. So, don’t you think that in 430 years we will have developed alternative fuel sources? Why then did Joe Biden sacrifice America’s energy independence, cease all exploration for oil and gas, abandon pipeline development and drive up prices of gasoline, heating oil, and jet fuel and make us once again dependent on foreign oil?

— Isn’t it curious that in some states like California, Washington, Illinois, and New York, shoplifting of items less than $950 is not a crime but the Biden Build Back Better Spendalooza calls for hiring 87,000 IRS agents to monitor individual banking transactions of $600 or more? Fascinating.

— We recently celebrated Christmas a week or so ago. Some neighbors refused to shout “Ho, Ho Ho” for fear that it might be insulting to Vice President Kamala Harris. No joke!

— I earned a B in college Chemistry and a C in Organic Chemistry, so I am not an authority on the subject. But someone needs to educate me as to how we are going to produce all the batteries needed to facilitate a transition away from fossil fuels to battery-driven vehicles when the basic ingredients for batteries are all found in rare minerals such as lithium, cobalt, and zinc and others, all of which must be mined in countries not exactly friendly to us. Also, if you have ever driven on the Cross Bronx Expressway or the 405 in Southern California and were stuck in traffic, how exactly will the repair truck reach a disabled vehicle before their battery dies…along with the batteries of all the other vehicles in traffic?

— When will construction start to build the 500,000 battery charging stations Joe Biden told us about? Where will they be situated? Won’t they be powered by burning fossil fuels?

— I’m trying to wrap my head around all the dire predictions about how arctic ice is melting at an extraordinary rate thus contributing to rising sea levels which will prove catastrophic according to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the bartender, turned Congresswoman. Then I note that Barack Hussein Obama purchased a $12 million waterfront home on Martha’s Vineyard. This is in addition to the multi-million-dollar home he owns in Washington D.C. Now, who does that if you believe the oceans are rising? Barack Obama is many things, but he is not stupid. Could this climate change thing be a bit of false hysteria?

— If you ever feel like you haven’t accomplished anything, try to remember that it took 20 years, trillions of dollars and four Presidents to replace the Taliban in Afghanistan with……….the Taliban.

— If you feel your job is hard and you are unappreciated, think about the poor slob who serves as the sign language interpreter for Joe Biden.

— Let me try to understand this: we can’t seem to find illegals to deport, but we can sure find them to give them money! How does that work?

— Do you know a major difference between animals and humans? Animals would never allow the dumbest one to lead the pack.

— I saw a photo of Joe Biden enjoying a large ice cream cone. The thought that ran through my head was, it must be nice to eat ice cream as fast as you want and not have to worry about brain freezes.

— If there was a barnyard election, the pigs would always vote for the person that feeds them and gives them treats, even though that same person is going to slaughter them someday. That same philosophy is the very definition of socialism.

— Memo to Generation Z and the Woke Generation: The Stars and Stripes that fly over our Nation’s Capital and are draped over the coffins of our honored dead who sacrificed their lives to keep us free, is my Flag. I will never apologize for it. The Flag does not stand for skin color, race, or religion. It stands for freedom. Never forget that!

Remember laughing at Michael Jackson for wearing a mask and gloves?  Now you’re all out here looking like you wanna be starting something.

When I see chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.
One says, “Eat the chocolate.”
The other says, “You heard her, eat the chocolate.”

Score remains, Eagle 1, Drone 0

A new airplane made entirely from rubber polymers will not crash!  It just bounces!  It is patented by Boeing, Boeing, Boeing…

When someone says, “Expect the unexpected.” 
Slap them and say, “You didn’t expect that, did you?”

And that’s it my friends and family.  Love and happiness to you all.

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1983

  1. Stephanie says:

    Why does the melting of ice cause a rise in ocean levels? That’s like having ice melting in your soda causing it to overflow the glass.
    Much love
    Prayers

  2. Leah D. says:

    Yes, when I was young and even now, I think of war and what it would mean for all of us, and how to prepare.
    Yes, when I was young, and even now, I thought of the world moving to a state of degeneracy, what it would mean for all of us, and how to prepare.
    Yes, when I was young, and even now, I thought of the climate changing drastically, what it would mean for all of us and how to prepare.
    So how did I miss considering a disease hitting the entire world, what it would mean for all of us, and how to prepare?

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