My Heart is Gone…

My Mary passed away yesterday and now my heart is gone, too.
Because I am who I am, I have to write it out and share it with someone, I hope you don’t mind that I share my thoughts and feelings with you.  I have talked to so many different people face to face and they all say how sorry they are and they’ll listen when I rage or talk, but I can’t really express my feelings.  And I know you guys will listen…or you’ll delete the page or go on, but I can believe you’ll listen and that will be enough and maybe I can get a little bit of this out.
I don’t know.
I took Mary into the emergency room the day after Christmas early in the afternoon, like 4 pm.  She had COVID.  Difficulty breathing, upper raspatory.  She was pretty sick because she didn’t want to go in on Christmas so she waited too long.  We waited 13 hours in the ER; not in the waiting room, we got right in the ER, but in the ER to get admitted to the hospital where they gave her infusions and oxygen.  They were going to keep her the full five days but since she was doing so good, they sent her home after 3 days, well almost 4 days.  With oxygen.
She was doing real well at home for a couple of days and then started getting stomach pain that we thought was constipation.  It wasn’t.
One of those nights, while eating, I snapped a tooth off.  2021 was not done fucking with me, I remember distinctly thinking.
Then Mary woke up with terrible stomach pain, and was a bit incoherent.  Screw this back to the ER.  We get there around 330 in the morning.  Izzy Dragon calls me at 430 am to tell me there’s been a car wreck in our front yard.  She’s standing out front dealing with the cops in zero degree weather at oh dark hundred while I’m at the ER!!!!  Guy plows through our front yard, takes out our mail box, hits our fence, goes through the neighbors car and stops inches from the neighbors house!!!  And before you ask, no he wasn’t drunk.  He got hit by the guy pulling out of the driveway a couple of doors down from me and lost control and that’s where he ended up.  Long story.  Thank God our car wasn’t there, because he would have gone right through it and probably pushed it right through the front of our house!  Where’s our bedroom?  In the front of our house!  Anyway, the car is a moot point, as you’ll see in a minute.
So, after about 20 hours this time, I get Mary moved up to the ICU and at first they tell me I won’t be able to visit her, so I kiss her and tell her I love her and go to leave the hospital.  It’s 1 degree outside and I let the car warm up.  It’s almost midnight and as I get to the first stop sign the car stalls.  Now it’s about 20 to 25 miles home.  Every time I slowed down or stopped the car tried to stall, ran smooth…kind of … on the the highway, but even after it was completely warmed up, right up to the house, it wouldn’t run.  And now, it won’t even idle and sounds like shit.  So NOW I DON’T EVEN HAVE FUCKING TRANSPORTATION!!!
I’m screaming I’m crying, I have no idea what to do.
The next day I call the hospital to check on Mary and she’s worse, but they say I can come and see her.  She not under restrictions.
I call my boss on base, my big boss, not my direct supervisor, and tell her what’s going on and to tell her that I’m not coming in to work for the foreseeable future and her response is, don’t worry about any of the rest of the stuff, someone will be there in 30 minutes to pick you up and take you to the hospital and the damage to your mailbox and fence can be taken care of.  And she has been an absolute blessing ever since.  This colonel was actually standing beside me a day or so later while me  and Mary’s family were there when Mary passed away.  Come to find out that, with Mary’s previous liver damage, even though they had cleared up the bronchial issues and such with the first visit to the hospital, unbeknownst to everyone, COVID was in the process of killing Mary’s liver and then her kidneys and then her pancreas…you get the picture.
And now I’m a widower.  My heart is no longer in my chest.  There’s a muscle there that still pumps blood, but it’s not my heart any longer.  Two minutes after she died I’m having to make decisions about fucking funeral homes and who’s going to pick up the body and…I don’t fucking know!
I pissed everyone off.  I walked out of the ICU, out of the hospital.  Out front and I guess it’s a good thing that I didn’t drive because I probably would have climbed in my car and driven off, but as it was I just went out front, lit a little cigar and stood there and smoked.  No smoking on hospital grounds, but yeah.
So I’m lost.  The person I would go to and try to figure all this crap out with, how the hell are we going to repair the car?  What the hell are we going to do for a car until we DO repair the car?  How are we going to repair the fence so the dogs don’t get out?  How are we going to repair the mailbox?  How do you make funeral arrangements?  What      am     I     going     to     do     now?  That person is now gone.  She’s     just     gone.
I’ve already gotten up twice to go in the other room to check on her, because that’s what I’ve done so often while writing to you guys over the last couple of weeks.
And I promised myself that I was just going to tell a story, to try to get the story written so that it was written and fresh and not get maudlin, so it’s written and I’m going to press send so you guys know what’s going on as well because you are as much family as anyone else involved in this and I love you just as much and those of you who don’t care haven’t read this far down and it doesn’t apply to you anyway.  Only those of you who have gotten this far know it applies to you.
Until I’m ready to laugh again, which…hopefully won’t be too long my friends.
But maybe I’ll do a piece on how wonderful her funeral is going to be.  Won’t that be a wonderful treat.
My love to you all,
Impish Dragon

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32 Responses to My Heart is Gone…

  1. reast744 says:

    So very sorry

  2. Patricia Greene says:

    So sorry for your loss. Don’t try to rush your grieving, you will find that there is no set guidelines as to how long you grieve. Sending prayers for your family.

  3. Marian says:

    I’m so so sorry to hear the terrible loss you’re going thru. From everything you’ve written she was such great Lady 💕

  4. Phil Raj says:

    I am so sorry for your lost.

    Our deepest condolence to you and the family.

    Be strong.

    She is in a better place now.

  5. TimelessTreasures says:

    My Thoughts and Prayers are sent to you and your family

  6. Gale says:

    I didn’t know you, personally. I wouldn’t know you, if I met you on the street. But, I have red you posts for the last couple years and considered you my friend. As I read this mornings post, it
    hit me the same way as the news of a friends loss! I’m sure ALL your friends share your loss!

  7. Kevin says:

    I am so sorry for your loss and I won’t delete you words but keep them!
    There are no words that I can send other than My heart goes out to you and your family and I will be sending good thoughts!
    Stay safe
    Newcastle in NSW australia

  8. Tom Harlander says:

    I’m sorry for your loss. May the grace of our Lord uphold you all and His love surround you during this time of sorrow and hurt.

  9. Kaye Roberts says:

    So very sorry there’s no words to send that will make this time any easier for you and Izzy. Huge Hugs from NZ

  10. Jeanne (aka Gracie) says:

    Oh dear Lord. I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could say. Praying for you all.

  11. leni says:

    impish ,i’m so sorry for your wife passing in peace mary.prayers n hugs from marlene

  12. Mary McClane says:

    I lost the love of my life and my best friend 6 years ago. I experienced the same things you are going through. I wish I could say it will get better but it wont. You do learn to live with it but it will never be further away than a song, a memory or a comment. You have my sympathy and know that we are all here to listen any time you need to talk.

  13. Robert Sturgeon says:

    I am so sorry to hear this!
    I haven’ been on your site long but I really enjoy it.
    You write whatever your heart tells you to write!
    My prayers go out to you!

  14. Chris says:

    So very sorry. I went through the same thing about three years ago and the only comfort is she is out of pain and suffering. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

  15. Blackshoe says:

    Oh, man, so sorry, Impish.

  16. Hank H says:

    My heart bleeds for you

  17. Hippogal says:

    Devastated to hear about your loss. May her soul rest in peace, and wishing you strength and courage during this very difficult time. Hugs. ❤

  18. Kris says:

    I’m writing this through tears. My condolences to you & the family. You take all the time you need. We’ll all be here when you’re ready to laugh, share tears or whatever else you may want to do. We’re strangers but I’m sending you lots & lots of hugs. You’ve brought me out of many funks & short of being next to you, a virtual hug or 20 is the best I can do. God bless!

  19. Dale says:

    So sorry about the passing of your wife. I lost my husband 13 yrs. ago and have not had a day that I do not think of him. I know losing a spouse is so different than losing a parent or someone else.
    I also know that right now you will be doing what I call ‘functioning’….doing that you have to do to just get thru the day. I will be keeping you in my prayers dear. Take care. Dale

  20. Alan F says:

    I’m so sorry.

  21. PAUL BADER says:

    so very sorry for your loss and prayers be with you and your family

  22. Jonathon Jacob says:

    I am so sorry you and Izzy have to go through this. Words fail me, my friend. I wish there was a way for me to carry the burden of some of your pain and loss – you know how to reach me.
    – Jonathon

  23. TOMMY R. VASSAR SR says:

    sorry about mrs dragon . I know how you feel. I lost my wife seven years ago and it still hurts.praying fou and the Dragon family.

  24. reijo says:

    So sorry to hear of Mary’s passing. Prayers.

  25. jim says:

    Prayers are with her … and with you. Its hell when life tears the heart out of your soul.

  26. Stephanie says:

    My prayers remain with you.
    I know you must be in the deepest pain, but take comfort that Mary is no longer in pain.
    I’m grateful you have such a great boss that cares about your.
    Tears help clear out what words cannot express. Let it out whenever and wherever needed.
    I’m only a creek phone away.

  27. txtedbr00 says:

    Your episodes mirror mine dragon, my wife suffered a lot of what Mary had. I feel so sorry for you and your family buddy. Thank you for telling me about what has happened. You and yours are in my families thoughts and prayers.

  28. Friggin Pete says:

    My deepest feeling and sympathy to you and yours. I know from personal experience that writing helps so, you write about anything you feel moved to and if you don’t want to share it on here you feel free to send it to me. I, and I know others, are here for you during this time, the best we can be.

  29. Mark mcdade says:

    I’m at a loss other than sorry about your wife, stay strong.

  30. Chuck Gill says:

    Tammye and I are so sorry for your loss my friend. If you need to talk you can call me 24/7, the number still hasn’t changed. I don’t know how we can help from here other than pray for your heart to be lifted and your anguish lessened. Have Little bit give you a hug from us. Chuck & Tammye

  31. Wouter Basson, Centurion, Pretoria, Gauteng says:

    So very sorry to hear about your loss.
    Be stong like a Dragon.

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