My Mary passed away yesterday and now my heart is gone, too.
Because I am who I am, I have to write it out and share it with someone, I hope you don’t mind that I share my thoughts and feelings with you. I have talked to so many different people face to face and they all say how sorry they are and they’ll listen when I rage or talk, but I can’t really express my feelings. And I know you guys will listen…or you’ll delete the page or go on, but I can believe you’ll listen and that will be enough and maybe I can get a little bit of this out.
I don’t know.
I took Mary into the emergency room the day after Christmas early in the afternoon, like 4 pm. She had COVID. Difficulty breathing, upper raspatory. She was pretty sick because she didn’t want to go in on Christmas so she waited too long. We waited 13 hours in the ER; not in the waiting room, we got right in the ER, but in the ER to get admitted to the hospital where they gave her infusions and oxygen. They were going to keep her the full five days but since she was doing so good, they sent her home after 3 days, well almost 4 days. With oxygen.
She was doing real well at home for a couple of days and then started getting stomach pain that we thought was constipation. It wasn’t.
One of those nights, while eating, I snapped a tooth off. 2021 was not done fucking with me, I remember distinctly thinking.
Then Mary woke up with terrible stomach pain, and was a bit incoherent. Screw this back to the ER. We get there around 330 in the morning. Izzy Dragon calls me at 430 am to tell me there’s been a car wreck in our front yard. She’s standing out front dealing with the cops in zero degree weather at oh dark hundred while I’m at the ER!!!! Guy plows through our front yard, takes out our mail box, hits our fence, goes through the neighbors car and stops inches from the neighbors house!!! And before you ask, no he wasn’t drunk. He got hit by the guy pulling out of the driveway a couple of doors down from me and lost control and that’s where he ended up. Long story. Thank God our car wasn’t there, because he would have gone right through it and probably pushed it right through the front of our house! Where’s our bedroom? In the front of our house! Anyway, the car is a moot point, as you’ll see in a minute.
So, after about 20 hours this time, I get Mary moved up to the ICU and at first they tell me I won’t be able to visit her, so I kiss her and tell her I love her and go to leave the hospital. It’s 1 degree outside and I let the car warm up. It’s almost midnight and as I get to the first stop sign the car stalls. Now it’s about 20 to 25 miles home. Every time I slowed down or stopped the car tried to stall, ran smooth…kind of … on the the highway, but even after it was completely warmed up, right up to the house, it wouldn’t run. And now, it won’t even idle and sounds like shit. So NOW I DON’T EVEN HAVE FUCKING TRANSPORTATION!!!
I’m screaming I’m crying, I have no idea what to do.
The next day I call the hospital to check on Mary and she’s worse, but they say I can come and see her. She not under restrictions.
I call my boss on base, my big boss, not my direct supervisor, and tell her what’s going on and to tell her that I’m not coming in to work for the foreseeable future and her response is, don’t worry about any of the rest of the stuff, someone will be there in 30 minutes to pick you up and take you to the hospital and the damage to your mailbox and fence can be taken care of. And she has been an absolute blessing ever since. This colonel was actually standing beside me a day or so later while me and Mary’s family were there when Mary passed away. Come to find out that, with Mary’s previous liver damage, even though they had cleared up the bronchial issues and such with the first visit to the hospital, unbeknownst to everyone, COVID was in the process of killing Mary’s liver and then her kidneys and then her pancreas…you get the picture.
And now I’m a widower. My heart is no longer in my chest. There’s a muscle there that still pumps blood, but it’s not my heart any longer. Two minutes after she died I’m having to make decisions about fucking funeral homes and who’s going to pick up the body and…I don’t fucking know!
I pissed everyone off. I walked out of the ICU, out of the hospital. Out front and I guess it’s a good thing that I didn’t drive because I probably would have climbed in my car and driven off, but as it was I just went out front, lit a little cigar and stood there and smoked. No smoking on hospital grounds, but yeah.
So I’m lost. The person I would go to and try to figure all this crap out with, how the hell are we going to repair the car? What the hell are we going to do for a car until we DO repair the car? How are we going to repair the fence so the dogs don’t get out? How are we going to repair the mailbox? How do you make funeral arrangements? What am I going to do now? That person is now gone. She’s just gone.
I’ve already gotten up twice to go in the other room to check on her, because that’s what I’ve done so often while writing to you guys over the last couple of weeks.
And I promised myself that I was just going to tell a story, to try to get the story written so that it was written and fresh and not get maudlin, so it’s written and I’m going to press send so you guys know what’s going on as well because you are as much family as anyone else involved in this and I love you just as much and those of you who don’t care haven’t read this far down and it doesn’t apply to you anyway. Only those of you who have gotten this far know it applies to you.
Until I’m ready to laugh again, which…hopefully won’t be too long my friends.
But maybe I’ll do a piece on how wonderful her funeral is going to be. Won’t that be a wonderful treat.
My love to you all,
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