Good Morning Campers,
Today is Friday and I’ve taken the day off today because I’ve already worked too many hours this week and because I have a bunch of appointments today. Well, I just got a call and because of COVID my afternoon appointment was just canceled. My dental appointment is still on, which is a shame since I woke up feeling like crap. Oh well … onward and upward I guess.
So, not much else to talk about. New COVID vaccine on the horizon … we’ll see. The way 2020 has been going, it will prevent the virus and turn us all into zombies as a side effect.
So, we really need to get to laughing. Really.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Indianapolis, Indiana where bozo Clarence Thompson learned the hard way that you shouldn’t always take police officers at their word. Our bozo was a known character around town and one time while talking to officers patrolling the area he told them to give him a call if they ever had any extra drugs to sell. Deciding to take him up on his offer, the cops made that call a couple of days later. Our bozo set up a meeting and when the cops pulled up he hopped in the back of the black and white cruiser, and offered to buy 56 grams of cocaine. The officers made the arrest without ever leaving their car.
And that is one of the ways that we will fix the world.
Friends don’t tell friends that 1980 was 40 years ago.
I only do what the voices in my wife’s head tell her to tell me to do.
There are times I miss you so much. I wish I could remember where I hid your body.
I can’t do anything right till I have smoked a coffee and had a cup of cigarette.
If you see someone smiling before 9 a.m. …
… Kill them and burn the body. It’s a fucking demon.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Ever look at your best friend and wonder why the hell you aren’t comedians?
Yup … miss you Lethal…
“Yes dear, the new curtains in the dining room look really nice.”
I’m bored. I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with my reverse lights on.
I might wake up early and go running. I also might wake up and win the lottery. The odds are about the same.
An old black and white photograph of my grandparents back in the day.
My boss said, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”
Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as batman.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra.
I always carry a knife in my purse. You know … in case of cheesecake or something.
That Moment when you talk to Yourself and you start smiling like an idiot because you are just so Hilarious.
How many times do I have to say, “Excuse me” before “Get the fuck out of the way” becomes acceptable?
“I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.” ~ Willie Nelson
You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game? That’s not allowed in bowling. I know that now.
“So, what do you want for Christmas?”
“Well, lately I’ve been really into groceries and gas. Utilities are cool. Stuff like that.”
No, but we seem to keep voting it into office.
Here’s an oldie but goodie from Leah…just in time for the holidays …
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in……………….…..”
I don’t know … that guy just looks way too happy…
This next one comes to us from dear Stephanie … I really think she might be a spy.
Men’s Rules in life …….
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss’ car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
e. When she is using her teeth
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate’s fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional.
On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both – that’s just mean.
If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.
And that my friends completes today’s issue. And I must dash out the door to my next appointment. May your day be filled with happiness, joy, and, of course, lots of laughter.