Good Morning Campers,
Not sure what to write this morning or when you’ll see this. It’s very early Sunday morning and I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know why I can’t sleep, I should be friggin’ exhausted. Did all kinds of funeral arrangement stuff out of town on Friday, got up early and did yard work (literally hacked through part of a jungle with a machete), (I gotta get the grandkids or some neighborhood kids or something over here to do that from now on, I’m too friggin’ old to work that damn hard and am going to give myself a heart attack if I keep it up) then did more funeral type stuff and finished off the last issue you guys got this morning, well … this morning for me, who knows when you’ll be reading this one. I should be sleeping like a baby.
Well, I guess I am. Waking up in the middle of the night … cranky. My damn body hurts and the rainy weather we’ve been having isn’t helping.
Ah well, let’s do some laughing and maybe that will tire me out enough that I can get back to sleep. I have to go back to work on Monday and Tuesday, then I’m taking Wednesday and Thursday off for the viewing and funeral and then I’ll take Friday off to put my household back together again..
It’s gonna be a tough week, so let’s laugh a little while we can, shall we?
Q. What’s the only thing divorce proves?
A. Whose mother was right in the first place.
Boss: We’re going to be doing random drug testing.
Me: Okay, but I won’t try crack.
Splenda Daddy: A man who strives to be a Sugar Daddy but just doesn’t have the funds to pull it off.
When a kid asks a sibling to play a game of tag, they’re basically asking if their sibling wants to take a jog that ends in a fight.
I Went to IKEA and bought a cake …
“Do NOT pee on your brother!” and other things you hear in a public restroom that don’t seem strange at all after you have kids.
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. I said, “Wow. That’s an amazing car!”
He replied, “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year.”
And a lot of you aren’t gonna get that one.
I tried donating blood today … NEVER AGAIN!!!
Too many stupid questions!
Who’s blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?
Q: What’s the difference between the Government and the Mafia?
A: One of them is organized.
I don’t know if this is a real letter or not, but it sure is funny.
Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!
Dear Mr. Baker,
As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.
You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is “I prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your “favorites list”, which I conveniently saved when you made me “back up” your useless files. I do believe that terms like “Lolita” are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to “take pictures of your Mother’s birthday,” you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never mess with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day,
In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan – NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists – REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo – USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink – AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray – THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer – TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids – LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles – OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins – WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer – DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos – YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap – DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) – DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding – PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife – WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights – FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor – NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I’m curious.)
18. On Sainsbury’s peanuts – WARNING – CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I’m glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw – DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child’s superman costume – WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot’s “Children’s” cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat, or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon’s occupation.
At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary:
“How am I doing, Doc? How do you like that technique? I’d make a pretty good surgeon, don’t you think?”
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon finally spoke up, “Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let’s see you put them back together again.”
Hello young lovers! Has this ever happened to you?
You and your sweetie have finally gotten off by yourselves. You find yourself at Inspiration Point or some cozy lovers lane and things are really getting hot! You reach in your glove compartment and oh no! No condoms!
Well your next move is to ruin the moment by driving to a convenience store, humiliating yourself by getting change, then rushing into the restroom to the “Love Machine” to buy one while some weirdo watches you from the stall. Meanwhile, your sweetie has “lost the urge” sitting out in the car with the windows fogged up and asks to be taken home!
Not a pretty picture is it?
Well! Your troubles are over! RUBBER HUT is here!
Yes, our radio dispatched pink delivery vans are on patrol. We can get there in ten minutes!(Home delivery make take a little longer) We constantly patrol lovers lanes with all your favorite kinds of condoms, from drug store variety to specialty types. Just call on your cellular phone (we cater to yuppies) and we will be there in minutes with your selection.
You can easily spot our vans on patrol.
They have a pink light on their antennas with the words “SAFE SEX” in white letters. Just tell the driver what you need. We take all charge cards or we can open an account for you if you want.
Just dial, 555-LOAD or *RH on your cellular!
Rubber Hut motto:
“WHEN YOU’RE IN HEAT, WE’RE JUST DOWN THE STREET
Where the hell were you when I was young?????
Riots in The Villages in Florida.
The rioting in major cities across the U.S. has spread to The Villages, Florida, a retirement community of over 100,000.
Looters in Florida’s friendliest hometown have especially broken into stores that sell items like laxatives, vitamins, hearing aids, reading glasses, energy drinks and surgical stockings.
The Seniors were easily caught and arrested since they were using their walkers and golf carts to flee.
The protests have been limited to the evening hours because most of the lawbreakers either had doctor’s appointments during the day or rioting would have interfered with their naps.
The marches didn’t last that long because many of the demonstrators had to get home to pee. In many cases, the demonstrators simply forgot why they were even there.
Officials considered a curfew starting at 9 p.m. but since that’s the time when most of the residents go to bed anyway, it was decided that it wasn’t needed.
Community leaders concluded that part of the problem was that residents were restless because they had too much time on their hands since the recreation centers, pools, theaters, boutique stores and especially the bars were closed due to the corona virus.
Community officials wanted to form a committee to look further into the problem, but the next day no one could remember why they needed a committee.
So, I’m not sure … do we tell him, or just let him find out on his own?
Well, it’s been almost a week since I started this … and what a week it’s been. It went a lot like I expected it to go. Visitation and the Funeral were good. Mrs. Dragon got sick. I think it was a combination of exhaustion, stress, and her illnesses, but she made it through the best she could and she was there when she needed to be.
Tuesday, before we went down for everything we took our dog Baleigh to the vet and she does indeed have cancer … again, for the third time. The vet told us that they could go in and surgically lessen it … that would cost an arm and a leg. Or we could get a surgeon to go in and remove it like we did the last two times, and that would cost two arms and a leg and with her history it would probably come back in a year or so, just like it did this time, and at her age, there’s no guarantee that she would survive either of those two surgeries anyway. (She’s 14, which makes her what, 91 in human years?) The vet says she’s not in pain, is in good spirits, is eating well, not vomiting, or anything like that…she could last a week, or a year or who knows. So, we’re going to watch her and if it looks like she starts to have too much pain or whatever than …
Anyway …. Wednesday we went down for visitation and stuff, spent the day with family, it was tough, but there were a couple of perfect 2020 moments. We spent the night in a hotel in the area got back to the hotel, ordered dinner from a local restaurant to be delivered to the hotel. Mrs. Dragon got in her Pajamas cause, like I said, she wasn’t feeling well, and while we were waiting for it to arrive … the fire alarm in the hotel goes off and we have to evacuate.
Yup, that’s a picture of the first fire truck to arrive in front of the hotel. We knew it wasn’t anything, there were no flames coming from the third floor windows or anything, some poor guy probably set off the smoke alarm with a bag of popcorn in the microwave, but the fire department had to come clear the building before we could go back in. And guess what arrived right in the midst of all this? Our dinner. Perfect.
But the next day the funeral was really nice. They did a nice military tribute. At one point they had just veterans carrying the casket and I was quite honored to be among them, sons and grand sons, son in laws and grand son in law I think. About half in uniform. Military honors. Salute during the playing of Taps. It was really quite special. Very nicely done. For being a Thursday during the day there were quite a few people there, but most of his friends were already retired so that makes sense.
I may not have been in uniform but I still rocked it in my suit and tie.
I am a handsome devil in my human form
Actually, I look like a gangster getting ready to go in and rob a bank.
Anyway, Thursday night we came home and unpacked, got very little sleep Wednesday being in a strange bed and all. And now it’s Friday morning, and although my grass is about waist high and we need to go to the grocery and to the pharmacy and a couple other places, to the best of our ability today is going to be a day of rest in the dragon household.
But, I did want to touch base with you, my dear, dear friends, let you know that we were all still alive and doing okay. That we are now back home and well and that we are going to try and put things back on track again.
So, let’s throw a couple of closing funnies in here and get this posted…even if it posts on Friday afternoon and then you can expect the next issue to come out on Monday and we’ll get back on Track again like that. How does that sound?
Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois where perhaps a little research on the part of our bozos would have helped out. Bozo Thomas Ingram and two of his buddies broke into a closed Chicago restaurant last Thursday evening and pried the ATM machine from its bolts. They then attempted to toss the contraption into the back seat of their 1993 Cadillac DeVille. While this is a large car, the back seat wasn’t quite large enough for an ATM, so they took off with the back door half open and the ATM partially hanging out. Not surprisingly, this attracted a police officer who pulled them over and made the arrest. It was what they didn’t know about the machine that made them true bozos. The ATM had been out of order, and money, for more than two years. And the restaurant owner had been trying to figure out how to get rid of the useless machine.
We actually watched this movie last week and I thought this meme was made up … but I believe this is all a direct quote. Almost an Abbott and Costello routine.
Thanks again to all of you who have sent well wishes and good wishes and prayers and blessings and everything else that has been sent. It has all been deeply and heartfelt appreciated. Mrs. Dragon and I appreciate it deeply.
Love and Happiness to you all.
May you get restful sleep.