Good Morning Campers,
Yeah, I do kinda like this header … LOL!
So, it’s Wednesday and I took a half a day off because I needed do the mowing because I’m having another tooth pulled tomorrow ..hopefully while you are reading this. Just cooked a couple of steaks on the grill, it’s already late, but I’m going to try to push out a quick issue. I’ve gotten a lot emails from you guys so, if something interesting comes up, I’ll bring it up. I’ve worked three days in the office this week and it has been … interesting. Nothing out of the ordinary, but mostly the place was at maybe half staffing. It was, weird.
But, let’s get to the stuff that you guys want and I’ll interject stuff as we go along, how does that sound? I hear a rousing cheer in the background, so let’s do that.
How many of you remember that movie?
The gas pump said, “Do not leave pump unattended.” So after I finished pumping, I had to wait almost 15 minutes, until another customer came along to relieve. Someone needs to change those rules.
Me: Most dust is human skin flames therefore Roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all.
Therapist: Can we go back to discussing your childhood.
Me: One sec
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I may be a typo.”
In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place hotdogs and/or cheese slices in your pockets, so the search dogs will find you first.
Yup, shit gonna happen.
If you’re not in my circle of trust, you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Dear “Ban Gun” Teenagers,
9 kids die a day from texting and driving. Let’s ban your cell phone, too. Also your car.
98.4% of mass murders have occurred in Gun-Free Zones
If Gun Control Works, Why Hasn’t It?
This one is for you brother Sasquatch!!
Thoughts on Housekeeping
Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch “The Galapagos Islands” and claim an ecological exemption.
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your spouse points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, “What? And spoil the mood?”
In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, “I’d love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive.”
Don’t bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, “Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident…I haven’t had the heart to clean it…”
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, “I clean and I clean and I still don’t get anywhere…”
My therapist told me to cut back on wine … then we laughed and laughed.
“Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”
I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion.
I would never have believed that a few weeks of uncut hair would weigh 20 pounds, but that’s what the scale says.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Oswego, New York, where bozo Jesse Johnson walked into a grocery store and asked the clerk if the three pies he wanted to buy would be cheaper if he used his frequent shopper discount card to purchase them. The clerk scanned the card to find out the answer. While he was scanning the card our bozo pulled out a gun and demanded the clerk hand over the cash, which he did. Our bozo escaped with about $600 but was quickly apprehended by police who obtained his name and address off the shopper’s discount card that the clerk had just scanned.
Did you know: Oh, here we go … Despite producing 95% of the world’s Bourbon, the state drink of Kentucky is MILK! No way! Way! No Way! Way!
Okay, ran out of time. That’s it, but it’s something.
Love you guys.