Good Morning Campers,

Strange new trend at the office.  People putting names on food in the company fridge.  Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda.

You come from dust, you will return to dust.  That’s why I don’t dust.  It could be someone I know.

Yeah….me, too.

Today, I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled and I laughed at the irony.  Then, I laughed again because of the word “irony”.

Chester and Earl are going hunting….
Chester says to Earl, “I’ll send my dog out to see if there are any
ducks out in the pond. If there aren’t many ducks out there, I’m not
going hunting.”
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.
Chester says, “Well I’m not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.”
Earl looks at Chester and skeptically says, “You’re going to take the
dog’s barks for the truth are you?”
Obviously Earl doesn’t believe it, so he goes to look for himself.
When he gets back he says, “I don’t believe it. There really are only
two ducks out there!
Where did you get that dog”?
Chester says, “Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you
want one, you can get one from him”.
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his
friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home,
tells it to go out and look for ducks.
Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts
humping Earl’s leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, “This dog
is a fraud. All he wants to do is play ‘fetch a stick!’ I want my
money back!”
This concerned the breeder who asked Earl what the dog did.
So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it
came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The relieved breeder says, “Earl, dogs can’t talk. He was trying to
tell you there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a
stick at!”

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked the young programmer:

“And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The programmer said, “In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The HR Person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company Corvette leased every 2 years?”

The programmer sat up straight and said, “Wow!!! Are you kidding?”

The HR Person replied, “Certainly… but you started it.”

Whoever said “The customer is always right” has never worked with the public a day in their freaking life!

My favorite essential oil is bacon grease.

You cannot lose weight on a starvation diet.  I went 30, 40 minutes… nothin’!

If you see someone buying candy, popcorn, and soda at the movies they are a drug dealer.  There’s no other explanation for that type of income.

I must have an amazing butt, every time I walk away from someone I hear them whisper, “what an ass.”

 

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!
9. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
16. Law of Public Speaking — A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
19. Law of Supply & Demand – If there are only 2 people in ANY store, they both are going to look for the same item on the same shelf and there is only one such item available.

If you don’t forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew – and your butt will fall off. Really… It’s true. I read it on the Internet!

I experienced the WORST customer service the other day at a store in town. I don’t want to mention the name of the store because I’m not sure how I’m going to proceed. Friday evening I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it.  I took it home and found out it didn’t work. So yesterday, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the store told me NO even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then.  Again this person told me “NO.” I asked to talk to a manager now as I’m really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn’t work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was “OUT OF LUCK.” No refund. No FREE replacement.  I’ll tell you what…I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from there again.

Gather round kidlets and Impish will tell you the story of Stingy Jack and the history of the Jack O’Lanterns….

The Legend of “Stingy Jack”

People have been making jack-o’-lanterns at Halloween for centuries. The practice originated from an Irish myth about a man nicknamed “Stingy Jack.” According to the story, Stingy Jack invited the Devil to have a drink with him. True to his name, Stingy Jack didn’t want to pay for his drink, so he convinced the Devil to turn himself into a coin that Jack could use to buy their drinks. Once the Devil did so, Jack decided to keep the money and put it into his pocket next to a silver cross, which prevented the Devil from changing back into his original form. 

Jack eventually freed the Devil, under the condition that he would not bother Jack for one year and that, should Jack die, he would not claim his soul. The next year, Jack again tricked the Devil into climbing into a tree to pick a piece of fruit. While he was up in the tree, Jack carved a sign of the cross into the tree’s bark so that the Devil could not come down until the Devil promised Jack not to bother him for ten more years.

Soon after, Jack died. As the legend goes, God would not allow such an unsavory figure into heaven. The Devil, upset by the trick Jack had played on him and keeping his word not to claim his soul, would not allow Jack into hell. He sent Jack off into the dark night with only a burning coal to light his way. Jack put the coal into a carved-out turnip and has been roaming the Earth with ever since. The Irish began to refer to this ghostly figure as “Jack of the Lantern,” and then, simply “Jack O’Lantern.”

In Ireland and Scotland, people began to make their own versions of Jack’s lanterns by carving scary faces into turnips or potatoes and placing them into windows or near doors to frighten away Stingy Jack and other wandering evil spirits. In England, large beets are used. Immigrants from these countries brought the jack-o’-lantern tradition with them when they came to the United States. They soon found that pumpkins, a fruit native to America, make perfect jack-o’-lanterns.

I know it’s a couple of days past Halloween, but I hope you found that story as entertaining as I did.

Now, on to some other funny stories:

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A good bra is like a sheepdog.  It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

 

 

 

If you can’t fly with the big girls…stay off the broom.

Every box of raisins is a tragic story of grapes that could have been wine.

NURSE – noun – The first person you see after saying “hold my beer and watch this”.

Well, my dear friends, that’s all I have time for this week.  I have to work this week end.  Big, big weekend.  I hope to have pictures and all kinds of stuff for you next week.

Cheers to you all.

Impish Dragon