Dragon Laffs #1676


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Good Morning Campers,

Last Saturday was an incredible day.  We trained over 300 individuals in CBRN Defense in about 11 hours.  For those of you who don’t know what CBRN defense is, it is Chemical, Biological, Radiological, and Nuclear Defense Training.  In other words, teaching military members how to stay alive in really crappy environments.

This is a little bit of what it looked like:

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Just a little bit of a look at what I do in the real world for a living.

It was a good day, but exhausting.  12 hours on concrete floors was a bit much for this poor old dragon, but I’m a silver haired warrior and will continue on the battle.

Now, I think it’s time to break out some of the laffs.

hx6TxXw

Yeah, that’s about right.

Okay….

I just had a talk with myself and it didn’t go well.  Now, I’m grounded.

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Losing weight should be like losing your virginity.  Once you lose it you can never get it back.

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A conversation in Heaven

1st woman:    Hi! Wanda.        

2nd woman:   Hi! Sylvia.  How’d you die?       

1st woman:
    I froze to death.       

2nd woman:
   How horrible!

1st woman:
    It wasn’t so bad. After I quit violently shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What  about you?

2nd woman:
   I died of a  massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.   But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman:
    So, what happened?

2nd woman:
   I was so sure there was another woman  there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere. Finally I was so utterly exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:
   Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive. 

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Drank a whole bottle of tequila while doing my taxes… I’m getting 2 million dollars back this year.

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Decaf coffee only works if you throw it at people.

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Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

And this is called the Space Time Continuum…

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Have you ever just looked at someone and just imagined holding their head under water?

Oh… um…

Me neither.

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I can understand that…

Papa Dragon most senior sent me this one:

MEDICARE PLAN PART G

If you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you, what do you do?  You may opt for Medicare Part G.

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet.  You may then shoot one worthless politician.  This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need.  Need new teeth?  No problem. Need glasses?  That’s great.  Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?  They are all covered!  As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this?  The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home.  And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it.

And now, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any more income tax.

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And since we’re talking politicians, let’s get right to this stuff…

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Yeah, I know…not as funny as they are scary.  But, we aren’t afraid of the truth around here, either.

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I just found out that I’ll be going to Alpena, Michigan again next week.  We will be up there again helping another base out with an exercise and if I remember from last time it was extraordinarily difficult getting a connection and getting anything done, so there may or may not be an issue next Saturday. I’ll try to keep you guys in the loop the best I can and send you updates over my phone.

I went up there last year at this same time of year and we got hit with some pretty decent snow, so we may end up with the same thing again this year… sigh.  It just seems like it never ends.  It’s a darn good thing I like my job.  LOL!

But, having said that, it is a BEAUTIFUL part of the country!  And for that, if not for nothin’ else, I’m looking forward to going.  Going to miss Mrs. Dragon and Izzy Dragon, but I’m sure they’ll be happy to be rid of me for a week.

Okay, back to the issue.

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Oh hey, while we’re talking…my sources of humorous material are drying up.  So, I’m reaching out to you, dear campers, and asking, if you see something funny, read something funny, send it my way and you can see it here, in your favorite ezine.

You can send it to impishdragon@hotmail.com; impishdragon@yahoo.com; impishdragon@gmail.com they all come to me.  I’m pretty sure if you write Impish Dragon on an envelope and put a stamp on it, it will eventually end up at my door.  I’m pretty sure there’s an aol mailbox somewhere that’s full of my mail that I just can’t access any more. 

Anyway…. send me your funnies, your jokes, your stories, even your questions and answers and they may end up right here.  Otherwise….when I run out of stuff, I’ll have to start making up my own and we all know we don’t want THAT to happen.

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!” The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.” “Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”

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A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”

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A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house. “Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.” The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”

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Well, he certainly didn’t lie.

And now for what is my favorite part of the show…

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Aim High

Air Bags

Air Superiority

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I don’t know.  I’ve always wanted to sky dive.  But, there’s always been that little voice in the back of my head that says, “why would you want to get out of a perfectly good airplane while it’s still in the air?”

Aircraft Maintenance

Yeah, my Air Force career was FULL of that one.

AK-47

Akward

alarm clocks

Albus Dumbledore

Alcohol

Yeah, that one is just wrong…on so many levels.

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No kidding.  What a friggin’ shame.  The things we learned as kids from Saturday morning cartoons…like Penguins from Hoboken.  If you don’t know it, look it up.

Okay…. here’s a hint…

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Okay, from there, you’re on your own.

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Now THAT is the stuff that scares me more than anything else.

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Yeah, okay…so that scares me too.  But, in a completely different way.

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A first grade teacher had twenty-six students in her class.  She presented each child in her classroom with the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the saying.  It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders:

1. Don’t change horses … until they stop running.
2. Strike while the … bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before … Daylight Savings Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of … termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but … how?
6. Don’t bite the hand that … looks dirty.
7. No news is … impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a … Mr.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new … math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll … stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust … me.
12. The pen is mightier than the … pigs.
13. An idle mind is … the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s … pollution.
15. Happy the bride who …gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is … not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s … the Musketeers.
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what … you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and … you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as … Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not … spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don’t succeed … get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you … see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind … get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand … is going to poop on you.
And the winner is!!!!
26. Better late than … pregnant.

Yeah, I’m not thinking they were first graders either, but they sure were funny none the less.  Thanks for those Stephanie!

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Monday is Veteran’s Day.  Formally known as Armistice Day, it was a day celebrating the ending of World War I.  Now, it is a day for honoring military veterans.  Not necessarily for honoring those that have given their lives for their country, that’s usually done on Memorial Day, but just those men and women who have spent time in uniform.

According to the strictest definition, a Veteran is someone who has already served and been discharged, but to me, active duty military and reservists are also Veterans in the sense that they too, have not only already served, but are continuing to serve, but that is neither here nor there. 

Veteran’s Day is for those who have worn the uniform…in any capacity.  Those who have stood up and said, “Yeah verily.  I swear to give up everything… EVERYTHING … including my life … to protect and defend all of the rest of you.  To put your happiness, safety, and well-being ahead of my own.AF-PROUD  To ignore your jabs of derision, your pointless ridicule, and your mindless self-centered entitlement and understand that my honor, duty, and pride will not allow me to allow you to come to harm if my life…my body can protect you.”

So yeah, maybe it’s the idiot civilians I’ve been dealing with lately or the conversations I’ve been having with some people that make me feel the way that I feel, but you all should know the way that we feel about Veterans around here by now. 

So, take a moment and thank a Vet.  Thank him or her for their service, for their dedication, for their responsibility, for their hard work, self-sacrifice and discipline.  And if you are a Vet, or a straight civilian, find an active duty person and thank them for stepping into the line.  Thank them for now taking their spot.  Every class I teach to the military I tell them thank you for doing their part and putting their collective asses on the line between the horrible evilness in the world and my family and my friends and my loved-ones.

You should do the same.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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1 Response to Dragon Laffs #1676

  1. Dale says:

    Thank you so much for the work you are doing to help keep our military safe in their jobs.

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