Dragon Laffs #1630


Header1630

Good Morning Campers,

Well, it’s official, as some of you already know, my promotion to Installation Emergency Manager (I was the Deputy Emergency Manager) is effective on 11 Nov 18, which is the first day of the next pay period after I was “officially” selected.  I think it is a good sign that my new date of rank will be 11 November…Veteran’s Day…from now on.  Or from now or until I get promoted again.  Not likely as the only way to go higher now is to take a job either in a different field (unlikely at my age) or to get promoted to a “higher headquarters” position (unlikely as it would require me to move to another state and that would result in a divorce from Mrs. Dragon).

The steps involved in getting this relatively low-paying, government, peon job was amazing. 

Wait for 3 months, that’s 3 months of not having the position filled where I was doing the job anyway.

Then the job opens on the usajobs.gov website.  The job sat open for 2 weeks and then closed.

Six weeks go by while I wait to hear if I made the list of qualified applicants.

Two weeks to find out that I was selected

One Week to get the tentative offer

I accept the tentative offer

One week to get the firm offer

I accept the firm offer

Eight days as we wait for the start of the next pay period.

All of that for an additional $1.03 an hour!

I’m really glad that I’m not in this for the money!  LOL!

Why take on all the additional hassle of being a supervisor, running a base-wide program, and everything else that goes along with it?  Because I know, I KNOW that I am the best person for the job, I know that I will take care of my people, and now I have the opportunity to effect some change on a system that is sorely in need of some change.

Yeah, maybe I’m dreaming.

But, when it comes right down to it, I get to work with some of the very best young men and women in the world.  The United States Air Force and the United States Military.  I’m surrounded by Veterans, some of the highest caliber people you will ever meet, and I get to do a job that I love doing.

It doesn’t get any better than that.

On the other side of the fence, all the tests and appointments that Mrs. Dragon is currently undergoing in order to get ready for surgery are coming back normal, so all your prayers are being answered.  KEEP IT UP!  You guys are doing a GREAT job and I love you all for it!

Now, let’s laugh!

But first, I WANT THIS FOR CHRISTMAS.  Santa, are you listening?

4

 

4855

I have the same problem!  Especially when I request virgins only…

The next couple of jokes are blonde jokes…so, if you take offense…skip them and move on because I don’t care and it’s all in fun.

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this”.
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, “The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?”
The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard …. let’s see how THEY like it!

4856

Two Blondes With Hammers…
Lisa and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lisa was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ‘Why are you throwing those nails away?’
Lisa explained, ‘When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.’
Judy got completely upset & yelled, ‘You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!’

4857

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see ‘Closed for the Winter.’

4858

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her.

‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied.

‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’

‘No, silly’ the blonde said. ‘First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, ‘I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants…I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’

‘So then?’ asked the doctor.

‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’

‘So then?’

‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise.  So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.’

Think about it, you’ll get there…

4859

Well, when it’s time to switch, it’s time to switch.

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun… He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, ‘What are you doing?’

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, ‘Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.’

4861

Ain’t that the truth!  But, what a wonderful way to be manipulated!

A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a thermos…..It keeps hot things hot,  And cold things cold.’

‘Wow, said the blonde, ‘that’s amazing…..I’m going to buy it!’

So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.

‘What’s that,’ he asked?

‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,’ she replied..

Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’

The blond replied……’Two popsicles & some coffee.’

4862

Another great true statement.

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, ‘What’s the matter?’

The blonde replies, ‘Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.’

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, ‘Why don’t you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.’

‘Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.’

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.

A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically…

‘What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?’ he asks.

‘No!’ exclaims the blonde. ‘I just received a horrible call from my sister.  Her mother died, too.’

4863

Now THAT’S the kind of medical care we all hope for!

Education is important…
But, beer is importanter.

4864

I pulled into a town I couldn’t believe still existed in 2018. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said “General Store,” and that was it.
There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair.. I said to him, “What do you folks do around here?”
He said, “We don’t do nothin’ but hunt n’ fuck.”
I said, “What do you hunt?”
He said, “Somethin’ to fuck.”

Sounds like my kind of place!

4865

Wooden-Groan

An English landlady was dating two of her tenants, both of them playwrights.  She could not determine which of them to marry; so she decided to let fate decide.  So she baked five of her famous round, flat, wheat-cakes and put poison in one of them; deciding to marry the survivor.

However, the two playwrights twisted fate for her when they split the last one, the poisoned one, between them.

The police arrested her for “killing two bards with one scone.”

I warned you!

4866

Never iron a four-leaf-clover.  You don’t want to press your luck!

4867

Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.

4868

Ain’t that the truth!  I’m going to start charging the doctor’s office my hourly rate for every hour I have to wait past my appointment time.  We don’t work for them, they work for us by virtue of the fact that we PAY them!

Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click, “I agree.”

4869

Remember:
Not my circus…
Not my monkeys…
Not my problem?

Here’s a new one:
Not my pasture…
Not my cows…
Not my bullshit.

4870

Sounds interesting.  I’ll be there!

Research shows that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t Happy.

4871

Amen!

When I was young, I was scared of the dark…Now, when I see my electric bill, I am scared of the light!

4872

Yes.  Yes it is.

Wayne was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him.

“Get in,” the driver ordered. “I’ll take you to your car.”

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. “Ah … no thanks,” he answered. “I can get there myself.”

“No!” the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. “Get In!”

Wayne’s eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

Just then, the driver’s face softened. “Please,” he said, “I’ve been driving up and down for two hours. I can’t find a space to park and I want yours.”

4873

rimshot

Humans are 90% water – basically cucumbers with anxiety.

4874

Life is like a camera…
Focus on what’s important,
Capture the good times,
Develop from the negatives,
And if things don’t work out – take another shot.

4875

You call it “nagging” I call it, “Listen to what I fucking said the first time!”

4876

Based on my current rate of income, I estimate a comfortable retirement about 200 years after my death!

4877

Okay, so a bunch of these are repeats from earlier lists, but putting them all together is really something:

So you think you know everything?

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “MT”.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
“Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand and “lollipop” with your right.
The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”
There’s no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

There, now you know everything!

4879

There’s a certain age where you can no longer use the term, “Good girl gone bad”.  It’s more like, “Her old ass should know better!”

4878

Coffee! Coffee!
It’s our drink!
If we don’t get it,
We can’t think!!!

4880

And that’s it folks.

Just so you know, I’ll be in Alpena, Michigan this week, doing an inspection on another base.  Yeah, northern Michigan in November…go figure.

Anyway, I’ll have my laptop with me and assuming that I will be able to get connected, I’ll be able to keep in touch and possibly even put out an issue next weekend.

Thank you very much for all the congratulatory messages I’ve received and the continued well wishes for Mrs. Dragon.  It means a lot.  Truly.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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6 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1630

  1. Lynn says:

    Great news about your promotion – and great for our country. Thank you for all you do.

  2. Ginny. says:

    That’s our Impish, we knew you would and should get it. Perhaps they got nervous when YOUR village showed up with pitchforks and fire to make sure you got this position….LOL So happy things are looking positive for your MRS, Good luck in your new position and I’m still dailing
    GOD-1000 daily for your honey. Have a good weekend to all.

    good thing

  3. Leah D says:

    You got promoted, she is getting negatives on her tests, will you please pass the Karma?

  4. Jonathon says:

    Congratulations on the promotion!!!

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