Um….. I’m not really sure how to start this issue. You see….I’ve had a few … um …. problems. It’s been a bad week in quite a few ways. For instance. Right now, as I write this, it’s Friday at noon. Less than 14 hours to my publishing deadline and I’m just now starting this issue.
Actually, I take that back. I haven’t just started. Actually, while I was hiding out in my personal protective bunker, I got almost all of this week’s issue complete. And it was AWESOME!!! One of the best I’ve ever put out. And then…. well … let’s review what happened on Wednesday:
And then Marvin sang this really great “I’m a Martian” song. I won’t repeat it here because I’m sure I can’t do it justice, but if you were there for the singing you know what I mean.
Oh, and the damn Spaceman Spiff…. if I … well… I better not say anything. First of all he’s a kid, secondly he has a tiger for a playmate, third I’m sure it’s not beyond the realm of things for me to be charged with child abuse or something like that, and lastly, if he’s a friend of Marvin’s…well… I’m already in enough trouble with him as it is.
Anyway, when I got back to my issue, it was gone. Disappeared. Ka-put! Well, not completely. There was a note:
Issue is gone. I can’t type in blue, only pink…and … and … the worst of it is … I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT THE HELL IT IS I’M SUPPOSED TO DO OR SAY OR WHATEVER TO GET THIS CRAZY GREEN MARTIAN OFF MY ASS!!!!
Doomed…. I’m Doomed.
We might as well. This might be the last issue. Next week at this time I might be a statue in Marvin the Martian’s garden.
This is just awesome! The patience and thought that must have gone into this:
Ain’t that the truth!!!
It was horrible…truly horrible.
I can’t stand it! I can’t even get a picture of a dragon other than pink ones!!!
And speaking of dragons, this pinkish dragon still can’t remember what it is that I’m supposed to do!!! I tried asking Lethal, but I can’t find him. Every room I go into that he is supposed to be in, I get a quick whiff of cigar smoke and good whiskey. I need a new plan. I’m now down to about 12 hours. Maybe Diaman or Ginny will know.
Damn! Even Dr. Sheldon Cooper is giving me crap!
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it?”t
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: Oo.Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.
“Wow!” says the judge. “156 people! How did you manage to do that?”
I hate waiting in lines…
I wish this lady would hurry up and pick a suspect already!
Okay, this is really getting out of hand…
That’s the way it’s been around here all week. I’ve been hiding, tense, stressed out and it still didn’t matter.
And now I can’t find either Ginny or Diaman. But, every time I go into a room looking for Lethal, I smell the cigars and the whiskey and now I hear giggles just out of sight. I can’t help but think that they are ALL against me!
Donald Jay “Don” Rickles (May 8, 1926 – April 6, 2017) was an American stand-up comedian and actor. Although he became well known as an insult comic, his pudgy, balding appearance and pugnacious style led to few leading roles in film or television; his prominent film roles included Run Silent, Run Deep (1958) and Kelly’s Heroes (1970), and beginning in 1976 he enjoyed a two-year run starring in the sitcom C.P.O. Sharkey.
He received widespread exposure as a popular guest on numerous talk shows, including The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson and Late Show with David Letterman, and later voiced Mr. Potato Head in the Toy Story films. He won a Primetime Emmy Award for the 2007 documentary Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project.
For those of you who may not have ever seen this great comedian before. This is Don Rickles on the Glen Campbell Show from 1969.
And From Kelly’s Heroes. His character’s name was Crapgame.
Don Rickles was the king of put down comedy and insults. He was famous for not letting anyone get a word in edgewise. Well, in 1969 Susan White, reporter for WMAR-TV in Baltimore, was invited to go on a MGM movie junket to Ireland, England, and Yugoslavia. She was one of just 14 broadcasters from throughout the world to be included in this trip. In Belgrade, Yugoslavia, on the movie set of what would become known as Kelly’s Heroes Susan and the others interviewed Clint Eastwood, Telly Salvalas and Don Rickles. When everyone else tried to interview comedian Don Rickles he didn’t let them get in a word or a question and made fun of their inability to do so. So when it was Susan’s turn she decided to turn try and turn the tables on the King of the put down. This film interview is almost 48 years old.
Mr. Rickles, you will be missed. You succeeded in a time where comedy didn’t have to be gross or filled with four-letter words, yet you could cut the toughest of men to the quick. Rest well, and try and let St. Peter get a word in edge-wise or you’ll cause a backup at the Pearly Gates.
Damn, no wonder I can’t lose any weight!
Doctor’s say that drinking 8 glasses of water a day helps your skin look younger. My advice? Drink 8 glasses of wine a day and you won’t give a damn how old you look!
That crack of Marvin’s when he said that he’d turn me into a pink mouse and toss me in with the Ninja Kitties scared me half to death, so let’s do some animal humor and maybe that will help.
Hey! I just thought of something! How does Marvin even KNOW anything at all about the Ninja Kitties? Could Lethal be behind …. nah! I forgot that he’s actually related to Lethal. So, of course he knows about the Ninja kitties. And to think, Lethal Leprechaun doing something like this to me. That’s SO ridiculous!
So this was just before my first knee surgery in January of 2015. I wasn’t lazy, I was in pain.
People who talk shit will be reincarnated as toilet paper.
I love this joke!
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.
The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?”
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband – “I love you, Sweetheart”
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the
text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean.
6. What the hell did you do now?
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?
I still can’t find Diaman or Ginny. But I think they changed their clothing.
“Golf is the closest game to the game we call life.
You get bad breaks from good shots;
You get good breaks from bad shots;
But, you have to play the ball where it lies.”
~ Bobby Jones
So, my car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night.
So, I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.
There are two kinds of People –
1. Happy Morning People
2. Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the Happy Morning People.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. “Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price,” said the older man. “Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there.” “And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. “Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?”, replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man… “There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get him to lower the price… see you later, Dad.”
Well, that’s it I guess. I’m out of time.
I can’t find Lethal.
I can’t find Diaman.
I can’t find Ginny.
I have no idea what it is I’m supposed to be doing and I just got this message from Marvin:
The only question is, am I leaving with him as a pink statue or am I staying here. The martians are all the same. Take you away, probe you in inhuman ways. Drop you like a pink rock.
Hey! Wait! That was it! I had to admit that Marvin was a Martian! And I did that! Several times this issue! I’m safe! I’m Free! I’m …. why am I still pink and what is that blue glow coming from the other room….