Good Morning Folks!

We’ve lots o’ ground ta be coverin’ this day so if ya all would kindly hurry yourselves about your seatin’ that would be grand.

Now I know most of you noticed the umm..change to your entry atrium. Trust me it was as big a surprise to us as it was to you.  Apparently it was a gift from my cousin Marvin Martian. I hasten to add for those of you looking alarmed that it is in fact NOT Impish. I’ve spoken to him but he’s refused to see me or anyone else while in his hidey hole. SO far the statue as resisted all attempts at removal. In fact we can nae even touch the bloody thing with getting knocked arse over tea kettle across the atrium. So it appears for the moment we’re stuck with it where it is until Marvin sees fit to remove or move it.

Mean time as I’ve said, we lots ta be coverin’ so let’s be getting’ on with things shall we?

Bad Diet

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami, Florida.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old man in the front row, raised his hand and said, “Wedding Cake?”

Brains

Lisa, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

After a while, several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, and both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer, who had noticed here on his way into the store, became concerned when he came out 40 minutes later and saw her in the same position. He walked over to her car and noticed that Lisa’s eyes were open and that she had very strange expression.

He asked her if she was okay.

Lisa replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

Using his cell phone the man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, the paramedics found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough had hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until the man noticed and came to her aid.

Lisa is blonde…

Incredibly beautiful, rare albino bluebonnets photographed in Texas Hill Country

Blue Bonnets area  sure sign of Spring in Texas was well as being the State Flower and protected by law (to say nothing of usually by rattle snakes as well!). In Texas, road trips to view the fields of these wild flowers, are as common in the Spring as Fall Foliage Tours in New England.

The white bluebonnet strain isn’t as uncommon as we might initially think, according to Texas A&M agricultural scientists Jerry M. Parsons, Steve George and Greg Grant. This strain is familiar to local botanists, but it still can be a treat for other Texans to happen upon these albino blooms.

But the strain that is even rarer to come across is the pink bluebonnet strain, according to the A&M scientists. “The pinks were indeed so rare that only four locations throughout the entire state were reported,” the A&M scientists’ journal reads.

Sad, But True…

A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for “small,” $6,500 for “medium” and $14,000 for “large.”

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.

“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor.

The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”

What’s the most popular jelly bean flavors in America?

Did you know that Americans gobble up more than 16 billion (with a B) jelly beans on Easter? Well, now you do. Since Easter is almost here, and National Jelly Bean Day is April 22nd, we got curious about which jelly bean flavors people love most. When we get curious, Candystore.com. digs through over nine years of sales data to find out what the most popular flavor is nationwide, in addition to conducting reader surveys.

Using the CandyStore.com jelly bean sales data from the last nine years and SurveyMonkey and Facebook polls of over 10,000 candy fans, we ranked the most loved jelly bean flavors in all 50 states and the 32 most popular flavors nationally (weighting sales and survey data at 90/10 respectively). Here are the results.

California

Californians like their grass green, skies blue, and jelly beans black—black licorice that is. You never know someone’s true colors until they show you!

Indiana

This state ranks 12th in the nation for blueberry production—who woulda thunk it? It also has some of the most blueberry fiends in the country—voting blueberry as its state favorite jelly bean flavor.

New Jersey

New Jersey is home to America’s first baseball game (Hoboken), the world’s longest boardwalk (Atlantic City), and the world’s tallest water tower. With that much history, it’s no surprise New Jersey natives love traditional black licorice jelly beans best.

Texas

Everything is bigger in Texas—including the appetite for buttered popcorn flavored jelly beans! When this buttery, savory bean is paired with brisket, barbecue, and other umami flavors Texans love, it tastes divine.

The Operation

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?” asked the son.

“Don’t be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me … your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…”

BAD HUMOR

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

2. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there!

3. Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.

4. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

5. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

6. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

7. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years … even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions!

Tuesday, April 18 is Tax Day 2017 in United States of America

According to a release by Nathan Rigney, senior tax research analyst at The Tax Institute at H&R Block, it’s April and “this year 4 million more taxpayers are waiting until the last two weeks to file their tax returns.” Further a “new law meant to combat fraud contributed to refund delays, causing more taxpayers to wait to file their returns. But procrastination is not new: in the past, more than one in three taxpayers who filed before the April deadline waited until April to file.”

But there is more about late-season filers.

Last year, they were:

• Not alone: more than 41 million taxpayers waited until April to file.

• More likely to have complex returns: 77 percent of April returns are Form 1040s compared to 67 percent earlier in tax season.

• Still likely to get a refund: 65 percent of April returns got a refund compared to 80 percent of early filers and more likely to get a smaller refund: the average refund was 16 percent lower, but still more than $2,000.

• More likely to get help from a person: tax professionals and volunteers prepare 61 percent of e-filed April returns but only 57 percent of those returns in January to March.

• More likely to paper file: 52 percent of all paper returns were filed during April.

Rigney, the release notes, “advises taxpayers who still have not filed a tax return to file either a return or an extension by the April 18 deadline.

“The monthly penalty for not filing a tax return is 10 times greater than the penalty for not paying in full,” said Rigney in the release. “The best way to avoid this penalty, which could quickly add up to 25 percent to their tax bill, is to file a completed tax return or apply for an extension. However, an extension doesn’t apply to any payments due.”

(“In other words, the extension to file is not an extension to pay for those taxpayers who owe the IRS money. Taxpayers must pay at least 90 percent of their 2016 tax bill by April 18 or they will face late-payment penalties and interest.”)

WOW! That sounds a lot like something our resident Dr. of Quackery would have said!

A guy goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, you’ve got to help me. My penis is orange.” The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy’s penis isn’t orange. Doc tells the guy, “This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person’s life.”

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, “How are things going at work?” The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds, “No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I’m getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy.”

So the doc figures this isn’t the reason. He asks the guy, “How’s your home life?” The guy says, “Well, I got divorced about eight months ago.” The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. But the guy says, “No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!”

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, “Do you have any hobbies or a social life?” The guy replies, “No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch porn and eat Cheetos!”

Impish is sure ta be mad at me for using the statues for his title but I’ve always been a Warhol fan. Besides I really think Marvin has talent. If you knew Impish was well as I do you’d see Marvin has clearly captured Impish’s naked essence in the statue.

[Recap from when last we left our favorite (now quite PINK!) Dragon)]

Well, that’s it I guess.  I’m out of time.
I can’t find Lethal.
I can’t find Diaman.
I can’t find Ginny.
I have no idea what it is I’m supposed to be doing and I just got this message from Marvin:

The only question is, am I leaving with him as a pink statue or am I staying here.  The martians [sic] are all the same.  Take you away, probe you in inhuman ways.  Drop you like a pink rock.

Hey!  Wait!  That was it!  I had to admit that Marvin was a Martian!  And I did that!  Several times this issue!  I’m safe!  I’m Free!  I’m …. why am I still pink and what is that blue glow coming from the other room….

Accompanying the blue glow is a brief commotion then a moments silence until one of his (so far ineffective) Troll Bodyguards suddenly calls out in an odd strained voice, “Uhh Boss?  Sniff! I think maybe you’d better come out here. Please?”

Impish peers out to see  his two bodyguard hanging upside down from the ceiling by one foot, their pants around their ankles. Their normally hirsute backsides are baby bottom bare- aside from what appears to be a fresh tattoo of a small green hand print with orange lettering bearing the legend “I got my butt waxed and fanny spanked my a Martian!” 

Marvin is standing hands on hips, glaring in Impish’s direction, amidst numerous members of the Ninja Kitty Clan who are beginning to disperse and investigate this previously unknown to them area. He recognizes Brutus the Brutal and his apprentice Mangler, The Shredder and his sister Slasher,  Fafhrd the giant Orange Manx and his pal, (gulp!) The Grey Mouser! This our pink pal realizes represents a goodly portion the the Ninja Cat Clan’s Enforcers &/or wet works crew.

Marvin wrests Impish’s attention away from the Ninja Kitties and calculating his odds of surviving them long enough to make it to the mouse size hole he chiseled in then bathroom wall behind his Dragon sized commode which would get him to the safe room in his safe room by starting to speak.

“Oooo! You’ve made me very very angry! So now, according to you,  I AM a Martian…but all Martians are crazy? So NOT the heartfelt flower apology and plea for mercy I was expecting dragonling. Lethal warned me my expectations were considerably higher than your past performances or small brain warranted. In fact he was so positive you’d bungle the apology he told you to write, he took the time to pen this clever little ditty to explain your situation to you well in advance. Ahem!”

[Once again Marvin launches into song, this time to the tune of an Old Hee Haw number  ‘Gloom Despair, and Agony on me”)

Marvin or Ninja Catastrophe face thee.
Thy deep dark depression is from excessive misery.
If it weren’t for bad luck this year you’d have no luck at all.
That’s why you find yourself between a Transmorgrafier and a wall!

“I have to say my cousin Lethal really is a clever little bugger to come up the that on the fly. If I could only convenience him money & power were fleeting what we could accomplish together! Sigh! But I’m digressing.

You have managed, in the midst of apologizing to me for insulting me, to insult me yet again! So now you have a choice (he aims the Ray gun at Impish) play a game of whack mouse with these over eager Ninja Kitties, or 24 hours of public service. You’ve got just 5 seconds to decide.”

Impish his vision tunneling in on the business end of the ray gun which appears to be pulsating wastes no time in screaming out “Public Service! I’ll do the 24 hours of Public Service!”

“You have chosen…wisely” intones Marvin, who then proceeds to once again shoot Impish with the the Spaceman Spiff Ray Gun.

“HEY! WHAT THE HELL! I SAID I’D DO THE PUBLIC SERVICE ALREADY!” screams our panicking Pink hero before realizing he’s not shrinking down to mouse size.

“Yes you did, now calm yourself. That shot was necessary to help you look the part for  your 24 hours of Public Service. You see Lethal was just informed before I came down here that ISIS attempted a hit on Peter Cottontail. While not successful Peter was seriously wounded. IF this were allowed to stop the paganistic celebratory aspect of Easter frivolity the damage to American morale would be catastrophic and President Trump might… lord only knows what. So- YOU are going to fill in for Peter this year, just like you have for Rudolph in Christmas’s past.”

As Impish listened to Marvin he suddenly found himself craving a huge green salad chockfull of fresh garden vegetables. Wait! He was craving WHAT??!!

“Uhh that beam…what did you do to me?”

“Simple, I made you more Easter Bunnyish to assist you in your Public Service.”

OH NO! Impish attempted to waddle into his bathroom to check his appearance in his mirror. Instead of waddling, to his horror he HOPPED!. Horrified, he looked down at himself, gone were the pink scales, replaced by…PINK FUR! As he attempted to examine himself further, something flopped down in front of his left eye.  Momentarily puzzled, Impish reached up and grabbed it to yank it off his face… only to encounter the painful sensation of yanking on his own ear. His ear? OMG!  HE HAD BIG PINK FLOPPY EARS TOO! He attempted to swish his tail and was relieved to find that he wasn’t sporting a bunny tail but a fur covered version of his own and that his wings had remained substantially unchanged.

He glared at Marvin. “Any other surprises?”

“Yes now that you mention it. I wouldn’t be eating any Easter chocolate, baskets, Peeps etcetera until after your public service is over. Unless of course you like heaving up all three of your stomachs? Can’t have you gorging on the treats meant for the kids now can we?”

“But Easters is still more than a full 4 days off! Why change me now?!”

“I told you Saturday, before you got stupid with your mouth again, I want to leave and get back home to Mars.”

“So I’m stuck… like this…like some hideous pink freak until you decide to come back?! THATS NOT FAIR!”

“HEY! FURRY PINK DRAGON-RABBIT THING! YOU’D BETTER THINK ABOUT WHICH ONE OF US HAS THE RAY GUN AND UPPER HAND HERE AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME!”

“Sorry” Impish sighed.  How DID he always manage to get himself into these predicaments? He didn’t remember getting in this much trouble before taking on Lethal as he partner, legal representation, chief advisor and financial manager. Did he?

“Relax (snicker) Pinky, your 24 hours of public service are up at the end of the annual Easter Egg hunt for your Digital Media Enterprise Employee’s children
Sunday at sundown.

You’re a Game of Thrones guy right?”

Impish not trusting his mouth not to get himself in anymore trouble just mutely nodded.

“Then you’ll understand when I tell you that one of the hidden eggs will be a dragon egg for you. You’ll know it when you spot it trust me. OH! I’d leave all the others alone, unless you like your new look. You understand?”

Impish again nodded mutely.

“Good then I’m out of here…until your mouth runs amuck about Martians again.” A bright blue flash causes Impish to momentarily close his eyes tightly during which time he hears a troll curse word followed by a loud WHUMP!  Opening his eyes the 2 troll bodyguards are on the floor in a heap groaning. Marvin and all the Ninja Kitties were nowhere to be seen.

Impish sighs and walks over the the house phone. “Hello? Kitchen? Yeah Impish here. I’d like a double dragon sized Garden salad with every fresh veggie that you’d ever find in a salad. What? No, no bacon. Nope no meat just veggies please. Dressing? Uuhh…nah skip that too just a giant bowl of salad veggies please.

WHAT?!  HEY! WISE GUY! HOW’D YOU LIKE TO BE FLAME BROILED?! Just put the damned thing in the elevator, my bodyguards will retrieve my uh dinner.”

Impish went over to his lounging area and flopped down sighing mightily.  It was going to be a very long 4 and a half days until Easter was over.

Bad Humor: Marriage

A man goes to see his Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

“What’s wrong?” the Rabbi asked.

“My wife is poisoning me,” the man replied.

Very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”

“Tell you what,” the Rabbi said. “Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

“Yes, of course,” the man desperately said.

The Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

Bad Humor: The Princess

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues, on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: “I don’t think so.”

Dear Fellow Patriot,

Gun grabbers are shaking in their boots!

After the anti-gunners suffered a massive defeat in the 2016 Presidential Elections, gun owners have an amazing opportunity to LEAVE the U.N. “Small Arms Treaty.”

We must make sure that President Trump takes steps to once and for all remove the United States name from this horrendous treaty!

That’s why it is critical that you fill out your “Official Firearms Sovereignty Survey” right away.

President Trump must know that leaving the U.N. “Small Arms Treaty” is our top priority.

Official Firearms Sovereignty Survey

1.   Do you believe the United States Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and the Second Amendment are the Supreme Law of the Land?

Yes      No      Unsure

2.   Do you believe that any attempt by the United Nations to Subvert or Supersede your Constitutional Rights must be opposed?

Yes      No      Unsure

3.   Do you oppose the International licensing requirements, International gun registry database and International ban on all private sales that will be included in the UN Gun Ban?

Yes      No      Unsure

4.   Should the Trump administration immediately remove the United States as a signatory to the so-called U.N. “Small Arms Treaty?”

Yes      No      Unsure

If you answered yes to all the above questions as I did, you need to go over to https://nagr.org/2017/LeavetheUN-p.aspx?pid=LI01a and sign their digital petition.

Yes, I know that I’ve told you plenty of times in the past digital petitions have no legal standing because the signatures and participation cannot be legally verified. However they are an excellent minimal fuss way of getting the message to the President and Congress where WE THE PEOPLE stand on the usurpation of on Constitutionally afford right to self defense and bearing arms by those outside the USA, never mind the liberals in our own government.