You find an uncharacteristically happy Lethal Leprechaun as you enter the Conference Room. In fact he’s so happy it’s down right creeping you out. He’s smiling whistling a merry air, cracking jokes with the patrons and…did I mention smiling? He’s not even frowning at the perpetually late crowd!
Ginny and Diaman have gone as far as to demand to sample his coffee but to their disappointment aside from being Brown Gold there’s nothing ‘extra’ in his mug. once you are all seated be begins
“Good Morn ta ya all and isn’t it a grand morn? Yes ok I’ll admit ‘tis just a wee over the moon this morning I am but with good reason. You see aside from that never ending personal dilemma we’ve been dealing w/ the after math of since President’s Day finally as of last Wednesday afternoon being over with Molly has been gone since 06:00 last Friday morning. Off to the land of liberals Loonies and unreasoning Tree Hugging Granola Munchers (California, specifically San Jose) was she. However she’ll be back in me loving arms later this evening once again. That is more than enough ta be making me very happy.
Now I’ve lots ta be doing afore she makes it home so you’ll have ta be excusing me. Mean time ‘tis a grand issue I have for the like o’ ye just chock full o’ mirth, so ya best be getting’ to it.”
That my table, my coffee and my Thin Mints. Hard not to be in a good mood when you’re facing those 2 things for breakfast, even for me.
A couple starts fussing over their new born baby boy.
“Look at the size of his penis, its huge” said the husband.
“Yes, but he does have your eyes darling” said his wife.
20 Zen Teachings
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.
2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass … then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
40 years of marriage…
A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.??
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’??
The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment:
‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’??
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.!
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!… ??
The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female…
As Impish busied himself with cleaning up both himself as well as his bathroom (while warily searching for other hidden pranks) he failed to notice the blue glow/light, faint electronic sound, very brief scuffling and the pair of heavy thuds emanating from the main room of his super secure bolt hole.
That is until he stepped back out into that room and found the two bodyguard Trolls sitting on the floor bound hand and feet, back to back securely tied to each other all with glowing white filaments. He idly noted that they were also quite unconscious or asleep their impressive assortment of weapons were no place to be seen, the Legos were all missing. No, scratch that they were not missing, they had been assembled and stood amidst the wreckage of the sandwich cart not assembled in a likeness of Marvin Martian’s personal banner!
Impish whimpered softly and began back peddling into the bathroom with the faint hope of making it into his hidden danger room the entrance to which was concealed in the shower. He was pretty hopeful that even Lethal wasn’t cleaver enough to think of putting a safe room inside a safe room and therefor Marvin might think he had an escape tunnel and begin searching outside the safe room for him.
Mid reversal of his direction he heard a rather high pitched voice call to him, “I can just as easily shoot you in there as in here Dragon, now how about you just man up and face me you big pansy!”
“Suck fireball you Martian wannabe!” cried out Impish as he repeatedly stabbed his panic button while inhaling.
Marvin stepped out into the dim light of the room from a totally different direction than the voice had come, raised what appear to be a ray gun at Impish and fired- twice. Impish prepared himself of the pain of disintegration as his fantasy life as a father, husband and Instructor for the all important skills of CBRNE to young Air Force personnel going into harms way flashed before his eyes. Micro seconds seemed like hours. He actually had the time to notice that the ray gun he was being shot with was not the usual blocky Acme Disintegration Pistol favored by Marvin, that was apparently still on his hip. This one was more oval and tear drop shaped, sporting the legend “Spaceman Spiff Transmorgrafier –Tranquilizer-Paralyzer.” Then the first beam hit him and he knew he was paralyzed. When the second beam hit him microseconds later he suddenly felt extremely flushed and slightly strange as if something he couldn’t quite place had happened to him. He simply felt …’off’’, not his normal self but was unable to say what it was that was wrong exactly.
Marvin appeared quite pleased with what ever he’d done to Impish saying “Yes, I think pink definitely is your color and the yellow polka dots! Spaceman Spiff certainly does have a unique fashion sense for someone so young! Now I have something to say to you, then IF you have been attentive I MIGHT release you from paralyzation…if not well lets say you’ll make a very Andy Warhalish art statement as a statue someplace.
Clearing his throat, Marvin proceeded to press a stud on his helmet and to Impish’s surprise music began to play.
Once finished, Marvin regarded Impish for a moment expectantly before asking, “Well?! What have you got to say for yourself Dragon?”
Impish rolled his eye in frustration and managed a very weak “Mmmerughf! Gugablerk? Mmmer Merrrah!” while glaring pointedly at Marvin.
Marvin considers this for a moment, then sighs before saying “ A valid enough point I suppose. Very well but just know at the first sign of a deep inhale out of you I’ll transmogrify your pink behind into a pink mouse then dump you among the Ninja Cats. We clear?” Impish blinked once in assent was subject to another blast from the ray gun in Marvin’s hand and fell rather undignifiedly to the floor. Marvin snickered
[Tune in Saturday for Impish’s answer. Learn if he escapes the fate of being anal probed by a mad Martian with an Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator. Find out if he gets his nice blue coloring back or if he gets transmogrified into something akin to the next photo.]
In Honor of Impish- A Couple Groaners!
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
Kenny Rodgers robs a bank. As he is making a getaway, the cops starting chasing him. He is able to almost lose them when he hits a bump and a wheel comes off the truck. He crashes and of course is busted by the cops. As he is being lead away, he looks at the tire and starts singing “you picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel!”
I always wondered why Waldo was hiding in the first place. Now it makes perfect sense. Wonder what the heck he ever did to set off a man hunt like that?
Not what you think
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again … back and forth … back and forth … in and out … in and out.
She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding … her face was flushed … then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
“OK, OK! I can’t park the fucking car!
You do it, you smug bastard!
A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers.
“We’re sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife”.
“Tell me! Did you find her?!” Cedric Flynn asked.
One officer said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news”!
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”
“Lord sufferin’ Jesus!” exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?”
The officer continued,
“When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Maine Lobsters that you’ve ever seen clinging to her……..Haven’t seen lobsters like that since the 60’s, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch.”
Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”
The officer replied,
“We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow”
Contrary to what many women believe, it is fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Or course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, its extremely difficult. This is because guys don’t really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.
Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself; Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward x I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: So that means it was, let’s see, February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s. Which means, lemme check the odometer, WHOA! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment. Maybe he has sensed — even before I sensed it — that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600!
And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the scumballs!
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty?! They want a warranty?! I’ll give them a damn warranty! I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their…
“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.
“What?” says Roger.
“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have … Oh God, I feel so…” (She breaks down, sobbing).
“What?” asks Roger.
“I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”
“There’s no horse?” asks Roger.
“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.
“No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
“It’s just that … It’s that I … I need some time,” Elaine says.
(There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally, he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
“Yes,” he says.
A BEFUDDLED BEAU
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
“Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she asks.
“What way?” asks Roger.
“That way about time?” says Elaine.
“Oh,” says Roger. “Yes.”
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last, she speaks.)
“Thank you, Roger,” she says.
“Thank you,” says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it. (This is also Roger’s policy regarding world hunger).
The next day, Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: “Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”