Dragon Laffs #1509


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Campers

Believe it or not, today is national Nut day and while we can’t be 100% sure, there are two ways of taking this. 

#1 It’s a special day to celebrate the special nuts we all love to eat: Peanuts (which aren’t really nuts, but a member of the legume family like peas), walnuts, Pecans (which look like walnuts but make a much nicer pie) and so on.

#2 Is a day to celebrate all those nutty friends of yours and for us, this is the way we choose to celebrate the day, and let’s face it, there aren’t any more nutty people than your friends here at DL&LL Enterprises. 

So, grab your friends and family and let’s start celebrating the nuts in our lives starting with Impish Dragon and Dragon Laffs!

Lets Laugh

2a

Maybe this is the wrong thing to do with the first joke of the day.  It’s way too early in the issue to start this stuff, but I’m going to anyway…and don’t forget that I warned you!

groan2

Conjoined twins walk into a bar and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.”
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on vacation yet, fellas?”
“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year, rent a car, and drive for miles and miles, don’t we, Jim?”
Jim nods.
“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country…the history, the culture, and especially the beer.”
“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John. “Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s for us, eh Jim?
And we can’t stand the English people, they’re so arrogant and rude.”
“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.
John replies: “Gives Jim a chance to drive…”

Groan

I did try to warn you that it was awful!

2298

A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.
She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked: “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”
Grandma replied: “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. “The comedies make me laugh. I’m so happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”

Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door.

When she opened the door, there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said: “Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?”

The little girl replied: “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

2299

What a fantastic video this is.  The Lego Death Star (set #75159 – 4016 pieces) built with stop motion filming.  Bart van Dijk is the artist and he did a fantastic job.

 

2300

Fantasy

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This is one of my long lost cousins.  He was always getting into trouble and tunneling into places he wasn’t allowed.  The last I heard he was in the Prison of Lost Souls.  One of the high security prisons on the Island of Doom.  Not sure how old this picture is, it might be that it’s fairly recent and he’s managed to get out of an inescapable prison…but I doubt it.

2302

2301

Yup.  And those kids think they have all the smarts!

2303

The police recently busted a man selling tablets he said gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fourth time he was caught for doing this.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856 and 1928…..

 

2304

Dragon Pics

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This is a dark and evil looking picture of some of my more unsavory kin during the latest border skirmishes that are always popping up around here.  This guy here is George.  George is a two headed hydra.  Very unusual and not very bright.  He is easily distracted by one head finding something to eat and not sharing it with the other head.

2305

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

 A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”

 She screamed, “No! Bug off you filthy old pervert!”

 He shrugged and turned away saying, “Okay, I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”

 She didn’t jump.

Now THAT is effective suicide counseling.

2306

I have already informed my family that I will not be able to afford an expensive nursing home, which would allow me to die with dignity.
Therefore, I have moved to Central America, where the dollar still goes a long way and I can spend what little money I still have left during my final years enjoying life and dying with Dignity!

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Oh, and Dignity says to say “Hello!”

2307

 

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. “Screw me or climb the ladder to success,” she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. “Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success,” she said. “Well,” thought the man, “might as well carry on.” On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. “Screw me now or climb the ladder to success,” she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. “Fuck me here and now or climb the ladder to success,” she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.
When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
“Who are you?” the man asked.
“Hello” said the ugly fat man, “I’m Cess!” Untitled-03

 

Just goes to show that no man is every truly satisfied if he thinks that there is something better just down the road.

Her name is Carol Kaye and she is the best bass player you’ve never heard of.  Watch this short bio/documentary on her:

2308

 

politics

With the election just a few short weeks away, and the fact that I collect more Political cartoons a week than I can post in a week, today’s issue is going to be a little bit extended to try and get more of them out to you. 

So, sit back and relax.  Try not to get angry.  Try to understand that there isn’t a damn thing we can do about any of this until voting day and then I expect each and everyone of you to get out there and vote!!!

4w

It is really good to make that distinction as early as possible!

4x

That is really a special kind of stupid.  I’m ashamed for you.

4y

 

What a great skit!  They nailed it!  You know, Donald may not like Alec Baldwin’s portrayal of himself, but for my money, he’s got it perfect!

 

4z

4

Personally, I like Broomstick 1.  It has a nicer ring to it.  Kind of trips right off the tongue.

4a

4b

This is so true.

4c

4d

I laughed so much when I read this one (above).  It is just so perfect.

4e

4f

Okay, so that should be enough for now.

Moving right along, remember the old joke that your kids have no idea that Paul McCartney played in a band before Wings?  This video is outstanding….showing the Beatles to young teenagers today.

With bonus material:

 

So Buddy Wheats sent me something that we are both of an age to remember.  Thanks Wheats for these…

Phyllis Dillerisms…
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller  
 
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller
 
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. 
-Phyllis Diller


The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

-Phyllis Diller
 
Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller

 
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller   
 
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

-Phyllis Diller
 
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller  
 
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller
 
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller  
 
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller
 
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller

 
Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle –  keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller
 
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
-Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

-Phyllis Diller
 
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller

2309

 

 

I just want to let you all know that I’ll be unavailable this weekend.  I have agreed to help a buddy of mine paint another friend’s living room ceiling.  I am going to be in charge of hold the ladder and making sure everyone stays safe.  Here’s a picture from the last time I was asked to help:
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As you can tell, I may be tight up for quite some time.

Motivate

dark humor

Marketing

Marriage

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Marriage4

Marriage5

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Marriage7

2310

Why I joined the Air Force….sent in by K2

The DoD was conducting an All Services briefing and the leader posed this question: “What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”

A Sailor said, “I’d step on it.”

A Soldier said, “I’d squash it with my boot.”

A Marine said, “I’d catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.”

Finally, an Airman said, “I’d call room service and find out why there’s a tent in my room!”

God Bless the USAF

2311

Hillary Clinton called Bill Clinton into her office one day and said, “Bill, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2016!”

“Great Hillary, but how?” asked Bill.

“We’ll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we’ll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there.”

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana.  With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, “Hey! Aren’t you Bill and Hillary Clinton?”

“Yes we are!” said Hillary, “And what a lovely town you have here.   We were passing through and Bill suggested we stop and take in some local color.”

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, Walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, Shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later,  In came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog,  Lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head And left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog’s tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Hillary asked, “Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog’s tail? Is it some sort of custom?”

“Lord no,” said the bartender. “Someone’s out there running around town, claiming there’s a Labrador Retriever In here with two assholes!”

2312

I have never heard this said as simply or as well.
The folks who are getting the free stuff don’t like the folks who are paying for the free stuff, because the folks who are paying for the  free stuff  can no longer afford to pay for both the  free stuff and  their own stuff.

And the folks who are paying for the free stuff want the free stuff to stop.
And the folks who are getting the free stuff want even more Free stuff  on top of the free stuff they are already getting!

Now… The people who are forcing the people who pay for the free stuff  have told the people who are RECEIVING the free stuff that the people who are PAYING for the Free stuff are being mean, prejudiced, and racist.

So… The people who are GETTING the free stuff have been convinced they need to hate the people who are paying for the Free stuff by the people who are forcing some people to pay for their free stuff and giving them the free stuff in the first place.

We have let the free stuff  giving go on for so long that there are now more people getting  free stuff  than paying for the Free stuff.

Now understand this.  All great democracies have committed financial suicide somewhere between 200 and 250  years after being founded.
The reason?

The voters figured out they could vote themselves money from the treasury by electing people who promised to give them money from the treasury in exchange for electing them.

The United States officially became a Republic in 1776, 238 years ago.

The number of people now getting free stuff outnumbers the people paying for the free stuff.

Failure to change that spells the end of the United States as we know it.

ELECTION 2016 IS COMING
A Nation of Sheep Breeds a Government of Wolves!
Borders: Closed!

Culture
: God, Constitution, and the Bill of Rights!

Drug Free
: Mandatory Drug Screening before Welfare!

NO
  freebies to: Non-Citizens!
2314
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! BIRDBRAINS Drop-In Template.ai

Last Word

Today’s Last Word is an essay sent in to me by by dad, Papa Dragon Most Senior.  I know he didn’t write it, but I also know it expresses his (and my) sentiments.

    I used to think I was just a regular guy, but…   I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a  racist.   I am a fiscal  and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes me a fascist.    I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobe.   I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.   I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.   I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast gun lobby.   I am older than 70 and retired, which makes me a useless old man.   I think and I reason,  therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me,  which must make me a reactionary.  I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.   I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.   I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual’s merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.   I (and most of the folks I know), acquired a fair education without student loans (it’s called work) and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of an odd underachiever.   I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens,  which now makes me a militant.      

Please help me come to terms with the new me… because I‘m just not sure who I am anymore!   I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking! I just can’t imagine or understand what’s happened to me so quickly!

Funny…it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years!   As if all this shit wasn’t enough to deal with…I’m now afraid to go into either restroom!

Cheers Impish

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7 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1509

  1. Ginny says:

    You did it again, fantastic issue. Loved all the political sayings…gives us a little humor to this
    never ending 2016 election. Your right about NUT day….you and Lethal are my favorite
    nuts. Tell Papa….I loved the Last Word!

  2. Jeannie/Gracie says:

    FANTASTIC issue, Impish!! Whoo Hoo.

  3. Leah D says:

    Speaking of National Nut Day … The other day I realized that blue tooth has taken away our ability to recognize he nuts … now everyone walks around seemingly talking to themselves

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      Excellent point Leah!
      We had several of those growing up where I lived.
      Looked normal but in actuality they were a squirrel’s dream-
      Nuttier than a Trappist monk’s fruit cake.
      (Reminds me a lot of a certain Dragon I see here in the halls of DL/LL Enterprises)
      The only way to recognise and avoid them was their incessant muttering to themselves.
      We can only hope that with the advent of cellphones & bluetooth that those people are now at least muttering to their mental health professional.

  4. lethalleprechaun says:

    YOU sir,(or should I call you He-who’s-attention-span-would-fail-to-bridge-an-anorexic-gnat’s-navel?) owe me a response on the Lasagna debate which YOU flung down the gauntlet of verbal dueling over in my last issue.
    I picked up that gauntlet and responded to your challenge in a manner sir which IMO makes it abundantly clear that I response is expected. You have chosen instead to comment snipe and run off claiming victory.
    This is unacceptable and I will not be denied. Your commenting tactics smack of liberalism you overweight lizard.

    • impishdragon says:

      My dear impatient Leprechaun,
      I did not, as you say, snipe and run off, as I’ve spent my time with my esteemed colleagues of the International Lasagna idiosyncratic Council or ILIC (pronounced I – Lick). We have spent the last few days in deep discussion and debate over the merits of your argument. The consensus, when it finally came, was one that was both disappointing and encouraging. The ILIC wished to make a public announcement and they will be in the next few days, but I requested permission to return here and give you their answer myself. They agreed to give me some time to return and to deliver the news to you before they make the world wide announcement.
      They have decided that they must enter the modern age and that the old tried and true definition of Lasagna must also change with the times. Some of the old hard liners had much disagreement with the decision, but, in the end, they all agreed to abide by the ruling and I, myself must also.
      The decree, and it will come out as a decree to all cooks, chefs, sous chefs, and any other individual, both professional and amateur, that any food product that is layered, in the manner of the traditional lasagna, no matter the pasta, sauce or cheese, can be called a lasagna. Like the breakfast pizza or the dessert pizza controversy of 2005, the members of ILIC have decided that they must bend to the masses will.
      In short, sir, you are correct in your definition of the fore mentioned meals. Even if you are only truly correct now, after the decree, rather than when the entire debate between us started.
      I can be the bigger man … or … um … mythical creature and bow to your wisdom in the culinary arts, sir and hope that this explanation satisfies.
      Regretfully beaten,
      Impish Dragon

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