As you approach the campground where Impish normally has his Saturday gathering, you notice a new chain-link fence, with a turnstile opening and several guards posted. The guards don’t appear to be checking on the people coming in, but instead, keep looking towards the mountain entrance like they are expecting somebody. And by the not-so-subtle body language, it’s easy to see that they’re not looking forward to meeting whomever they seem to be waiting for.
When you pass through the turnstile you see one of the Ninja Kitties that had gone unnoticed before. It is sitting up on a little platform right inside the gate and was pushing its head up to the hand of one of the guards and purring contently. But you also feel like the NK is more concerned with watching the area than the campers entering the park area or the guard absentmindedly rubbing his head.
You follow along in line, right past the normal campground with the little hill and the small stage and follow the line into the woods. You ask the person in front of you, “What’s going on?”
“I’ve no idea. I’m just following along with everyone else.”
The camper in front of him, having heard the conversation, turns his head back briefly and says, “Yup. That’s all we’re doing. Following the one in front of us…just like Lemmings…or liberal democrats…serve us right to just drop off a cliff into the sea.”
“Ah, yeah, thanks buddy,” you mumble as you walk deeper into the woods.
After what seems like hours, but is probably much shorter than that, due to the terror invoked by these forests, which are reputed to be either haunted, containing monsters, full of liberal democrats, or magically protected in their own right, you finally arrive at a clearing that looks almost identical to the normal location for Dragon Laffs.
Up on the makeshift stage, The Great Blue One himself is there in his little dragon form. He is waving everyone to come and sit down and he’s shushing to get the crowd to stay quiet. Once they are all seated he says in a loud stage whisper, “I’m glad you all could make it this morning, I have a couple of announcements and then we’ll jump right into today’s issue. You may be wondering why we are not in our usual location, why there were armed guards at the gate, why we’re hidden away in the Tmavé Lesy, why we are being so quiet, why…”
“Perhaps you ought to just get to it.” Diaman gently chides our blue dragon.
“Right, right you are dear one. Well, to put a not to subtle twist on the facts, Lethal Leprechaun is sick. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Isn’t Lethal always a little sick? I mean, come on…his name is LETHAL Leprechaun, isn’t that a little indicative of … er … something?’ Well, I’m not talking about that kind of sick. I’m saying the green one is more green than usual, he’s medically ill, unhealthy.”
“Do you guys not remember back to just this past Wednesday where the Ninja Kitties …” And as if summoned by the mere mentioning of their name, Brutus leaps up from the ground, where he had stalked invisibly to right below the podium, and leaps up to the table top and begins whispering in Impish’s ear.
“Okay, green alert everybody, Lethal has gotten through the guards we left at the original campsite. Brutus, remind me to make sure their families are duly compensated. He can be here any minute. All of you campers need to appear as if you’ve been reading today’s issue all along and that you haven’t seen me nor the girls. Diaman, Ginny, you’re with me. I understand Miss Friday is hidden away in her secret scramble hole, so we are off to Playtime Mountain and into one of the luxury bolt-holes there, where we should be safe. At least for a day or two.”
“I hope you enjoy the issue and …” Screaming and cursing in Gaelic can be hurt in the distance along with the sounds of trees being uprooted and thrown. “…and it’s time for us to go.”
You watch as Impish turns into Big Blue, kneels so that Ginny and Diaman can climb aboard and then he leaps into the air, down stroking with his huge leathery wings and flies away in the opposite direction from where the sounds are coming from.
Not moments later, Lethal Leprechaun bursts from the tree line, looking down at what appears to be a cell phone with a different screen and many different buttons than a normal cell phone. “Dammit all, it says he’s bloody gone! Again! I just need to tell him that I’m …” Looking up, Lethal seems to notice you for the first time.
“Oh, hello there. What are you all … is this where that great blue lizard moved Dragon Laffs to?” Nobody says a word, but there are many head nods and the sounds of throat gulping.
“Oh bloody hell! He’s running from me, isn’t he?” Again, just the nodding of heads, most of them now.
“Did anybody see which way he went?” In complete silence all hands point in the opposite direction from which Lethal appeared.
“And the girls? Ginny and Diaman?” Again, all hands point without a word being spoken.
“Well damn!” Lethal lifts his wrist and speaks into either his watch or his shirt sleeve, “No, he’s gone. Fetch the helicopter and meet me at clearing L3. I say again, extraction at L3. Leprechaun Actual out.”
He then turns to all of you, before stalking back into the forest and says, “Well go on with the lot of you. Don’t you have an ezine to read?!”
Good Morning Campers,
Well, I did end up making it home. It was a whole lot more of a pain in the ass than I thought it would be. My original plans were for a plane from Wichita to Chicago at 3 pm, get into Chicago at 415 pm, leave Chicago at 445 pm and be in Indianapolis about 7 pm. That would’ve put me home about 9:30 pm or so.
Since I’m writing this from hiding, earlier in the week, I can safely take the time to tell you what really happened. So, without any further ado, Here’s what did happen. We got to the Wichita airport a couple of hours early, just like we were supposed to, then we find out that our plane to Chicago was delayed coming from Chicago because of the ice and snow in Chicago. We managed to arrive in Chicago just about 15 minutes after our connecting flight left. Was there another flight right away? Yup, there sure was! Woo Hoo! Did they have room for us? Oh, hell no!
We now have a 3 1/2 hour wait in Chicago and to make a long story short, we didn’t get into Indianapolis until about midnight and it was after 2 am Saturday morning before I got home and I had to be back to work at 6 am. I know that there are some of you out there saying, “Why did you have to be to work at 6 am? Couldn’t someone else have done it?”
Well, no. The only two people who could’ve done it are me and my boss. The same two people who didn’t get home until after 2 am. So, we were both really tired and there by 6 am.
Okay, so now I’m worn out just talking about my trip, so this is where you guys start reading.
I will really use this one! Get a twenty-sided dice (each column has 18 items) if you roll a 19 or a 20 on any of the three dice then you have to go to the event without an excuse. So, here’s my first excuse:
I can’t go to the movies with you this weekend because my drug dealer might be the Blair Witch and I need to watch all of the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies.
Okay, so that was really fun!
I really wanted to go to the meeting but Kate Upton ate a piece of chalk and I want to fight my dad.
Okay, not really. I don’t to fight my dad, he’ll kick my ass! He didn’t get to be Papa Dragon Most Senior for nuthin’!
Hmm, Mrs. Dragon just told me that she can’t have sex with me tonight because “My High School Principal put a spider in my mouth while I was sleeping and I just want to die.” Sounds plausible I guess.
Here’s another of those dragon snow globes that we supposedly sell in our gift shop. I say supposedly because I have still been unable to find it. All the girls say it’s here, but I can’t seem to locate it.
That’s a MUCH better price than I get for porn on the internet.
As we draw closer and closer to the elections, I have to say that I am getting more and more of these p0litical cartoons that I need to share. So, I’m going to make this section a bit longer today so I can get rid of … I mean share …more pictures with you.
Okay, just put a little dent in the number of political pictures and cartoons I have. Maybe I’ll throw a few more in before the end.
So, let’s go back to laughing again.
Isn’t this cool? This is a recruiting poster for our in-house security team. Makes guarding a cave for two mythical creatures seem really exciting, doesn’t it?
You know that I always try to put some humorous videos here, under this category, but sometimes I just have to show you something…else. This first video will piss you off until the very end and then you will cheer for New Yorkers.
One of the biggest surprises in that video were the number of people who were willing to take that girl away and protect her. YOU GO NEW YORK!!
I love a good prank. And this one is one of the best!
And this next one will just make you smile.
Okay, last video for today…or at least for now. I love watching things in slow motion and the slo-mo guys love it too.
Yes, but you can only imagine the fantastic life and unbelievable potential you have in front of you between now and then.
There have been times in my life where I would have gladly laid my head on the same pillow as this little guy seems to have found.
I’m not going to tell you which of our favorite girls sent me that last one. Hee, Hee, Hee!
You have to be a Monty Python fan to get that one!
I saved this for the end, cause I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. It’s a crappy topic but something we all need to talk about. Today is April16th and Monday, the 18th, is the last day to….
How about if we end this issue with a look at how great this country not only could be, but has been!