Dragon Laffs #1323


Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers.  What a week.  Unbelievable stuff going on.  Two brothers with Muslim ties set off bombs at the Boston Marathon, one is dead, the other is still (as of Friday night) on the run, aKidding letter with ricin sent to a member of congress, Margaret Thatcher died (and the White House couldn’t be bothered to send anyone?!) a huge explosion in Texas, and a huge portion of Indiana, where I live, is under a state of emergency due to flooding, ridiculous amounts of rain, wind gusts of 50 mph and now they are talking snow…are you kidding me?! SNOW!  Oh come on!  Really?  What in the world have we done to end up here?

Although Lethal and I have come up with some really outstanding ideas about how to take care of some of these problems (I’ll give you a hint: some of the best ideas concern internment camps in Northern Alaska) but none of which we can honestly suggest and maintain our political correctness.

Okay, I can hear you asking, since when are we concerned with political correctness?  Well, we’re really not, but it’s nicer to say that than it is to say that neither of us want to be arrested and put in jail for the removal of human rights to any particular protected group of persons.  Even if it WOULD solve so many problems.

Just heard on the news that the creek that runs near to us (and remember, that a creek in Indiana, is equivalent to a river in other places) is at 15.3 feet.  Just to put that in perspective, flood stage is 10 feet.  So, we are 5.3 feet ABOVE flood stage…and the water is still rising.  Oh Dear!  How about a quick picture:  7

You know, I look at that picture and I don’t think, aww, how horrible that is.  I know I should, but I don’t.  What I think is, why the hell didn’t you move your car out of the parking lot and onto higher ground?  But, maybe that’s just me.

We REALLY need to laugh.  Laugh long and hard.  I honestly think it’s the only thing that will help hide the tears.

LetsLaugh
3


400

coollogo_com-227662099

Wong Chow calls into work and says, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work..

The boss says, You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.

Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. I do what you say and I feel great… I be at work soon….. You got nice house.


470

 

Kim Jung Un ordered his strategic rocket scientists to battle
stations late last week. The signs of war are evident. The U.S.
Navy ordered anti-missile destroyers into the Sea of Japan,
and Jane Fonda just flew to North Korea to be photographed
sitting on a missile.
President Obama proposed a budget that lowers the cost-of-living
increases for seniors and doubles the federal tax on cigarettes.
It doesn’t add up at all. If there is not enough money for Social
Security, he shouldn’t be encouraging people to quit smoking.
An 81 year old Florida man has been arrested for being the
ringleader of a prescription drug ring. Apparently the gang
was using him because no one ever got suspicious when
someone his age walked into a pharmacy to
pick up 56 prescriptions.


Dragon pic 2

  DragonPapa1 (213)

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest wid ya Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in da back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh ?”

Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou
Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I remembered where I left me hat.”

471

Before you start this video, please go grab a box of tissues.  If you have a child or friend or child’s friend or anyone in your life who is autistic, you NEED to watch this video.  This story is truly incredible!

Oh, quit your whining!  If you can’t view this video, it’s because you’re reading this in your email.  Click on this link: http://dragonlaffs.com or here Click here now  and you can watch this video, rate the e-zine, see any other videos, leave a comment, read the comments, ALL kinds of stuff!  Now quit complaining and just go to the website like you’re supposed to!

Fantasy Pix

f2009062202

I had a really good video to show you today, but Lethal called dibs on it, so you are going to have to wait for Wednesday to see it from him.  It’s very fair the way we do things, if one of us thinks that both of us might want to use something, whoever calls dibs first gets it.  But, in return, he send me another video, which you guys are really gonna love, too:

Well, after that one, we just have to watch this one… Sweet Caroline at Yankee Stadium on 16 Apr 13 to honor the victims of the Boston Marathon bombings.  Classy gesture by the Yankees and
Yankee fans.  Stand strong East Coast.

5So, not being a Boston or Yankee fan, I had to ask, “Why did the Yankees play Sweet Caroline?”  And the answer… well, you might think that it had something to do with someone’s wife, daughter, granddaughter or something to that effect.  But nope, In reality, the song got its start at Fenway Park thanks to Amy Tobey, who was the ballpark’s music director from 1998 to 2004. She was responsible for choosing the music to be played between innings and picked Sweet Caroline simply because she had heard it played at other sporting events.

At first, Tobey played the song at random games sometime between the seventh and ninth innings, and only if the Red Sox were ahead. Tobey considered the song a good luck charm and it soon became something the fans anticipated.

But it wasn’t until 2002, when John Henry’s group bought the Red Sox, that Sweet Caroline become an official Fenway tradition. That’s when the new ownership requested that Tobey play the song during the eighth inning of every game. And there you have it!

472

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry Mr. Sam,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened his briefcase.

“Oh, my God!” she screamed, “Sam is dead!”

 

473

How about some really bad puns.  All I have to say is….ashamed

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro – what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government’s fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

coollogo_com-2526424plumberpractical jokespreg

Printer

psy

No kidding.  None of us are going to argue with that!!

So you think you know Baseball?  See if you can figure out the puzzle below. 

 

What is the score?

8

Scroll down for the answer…

arrow down 7

It’s 5 to 4, bottom of the fifth, one out and nobody on.

priceless
22

474More really good advice!

475
477
478
479
coollogo_com-9566296Well, today’s Last Word is going to be a tiny bit different.  You’ve seen my bit called “Toys I Used To Play With”? Well, think of this as “Toys I Play With Now”.
I’ve had several people who know what I do for a living asking after the congressman who had ricin delivered to him in a letter and asked if it was anything like the anthrax letters?
The answer to that is … well… yes and no.
Anthrax is a living organism.  It’s a biological agent.  Ricin is a chemical agent, a poison, made from the castor bean.  All those times your mom made you drink castor oil…she wasn’t trying to help you, she was trying to get rid of you.
No, I’m only kidding!
Ricin is found in the mash left over from the processing of the castor bean into castor oil.
The CDC has a great Fact Sheet on Ricin…

What ricin is

  • Ricin is a poison found naturally in castor beans. If castor beans are chewed and swallowed, the released ricin can cause injury.  Ricin can be made from the waste material left over from processing castor beans.
  • It can be in the form of a powder, a mist, or a pellet, or it can be dissolved in water or weak acid.
  • It is a stable substance under normal conditions, but can be inactivated by heat above 80 degrees centigrade (176 degrees Fahrenheit).

Where ricin is found and how it is used

  • Castor beans are processed throughout the world to make castor oil. Ricin is part of the waste “mash” produced when castor oil is made.
  • Ricin has been used experimentally in medicine to kill cancer cells.

How you could be exposed to ricin

  • It would take a deliberate act to make ricin and use it to poison people. Unintentional exposure to ricin is highly unlikely, except through the ingestion of castor beans.
  • If made into a partially purified material or refined into a terrorist or warfare agent, ricin could be used to expose people through the air, food, or water.
  • In 1978, Georgi Markov, a Bulgarian writer and journalist who was living in London, died after he was attacked by a man with an umbrella. The umbrella had been rigged to inject a poison ricin pellet under Markov’s skin.
  • In the 1940s the U.S. military experimented with using ricin as a possible warfare agent. In some reports ricin has possibly been used as a warfare agent in the 1980s in Iraq and more recently by terrorist organizations.
  • Ricin poisoning is not contagious. Ricin-associated illness cannot be spread from person to person through casual contact. However, if you come into contact with someone who has ricin on their body or clothes, you could become exposed to it.

How ricin works

  • Ricin works by getting inside the cells of a person’s body and preventing the cells from making the proteins they need. Without the proteins, cells die. Eventually this is harmful to the whole body, and death may occur.
  • Effects of ricin poisoning depend on whether ricin was inhaled, ingested, or injected.

Signs and symptoms of ricin exposure

  • The major symptoms of ricin poisoning depend on the route of exposure and the dose received, though many organs may be affected in severe cases.
  • Initial symptoms of ricin poisoning by inhalation may occur as early as 4- 8 hours and as  late as 24 hours after exposure. Following ingestion of ricin, initial symptoms typically occur in less than 10 hours.
  • Inhalation: Within a few hours of inhaling significant amounts of ricin, the likely symptoms would be respiratory distress (difficulty breathing), fever, cough, nausea, and tightness in the chest. Heavy sweating may follow as well as fluid building up in the lungs (pulmonary edema). This would make breathing even more difficult, and the skin might turn blue. Excess fluid in the lungs would be diagnosed by x-ray or by listening to the chest with a stethoscope. Finally, low blood pressure and respiratory failure may occur, leading to death. In cases of known exposure to ricin, people having respiratory symptoms should seek medical care.
  • Ingestion: If someone swallows a significant amount of ricin, he or she would likely develop vomiting and diarrhea that may become bloody. Severe dehydration may be the result, followed by low blood pressure. Other signs or symptoms may include seizures, and blood in the urine. Within several days, the person’s liver, spleen, and kidneys might stop working, and the person could die.
  • Skin and eye exposure: Ricin is unlikely to be absorbed through normal skin. Contact with ricin powders or products may cause redness and pain of the skin and the eyes. However, if you touch ricin that is on your skin and then eat food with your hands or put your hands in your mouth, you may ingest some.
  • Death from ricin poisoning could take place within 36 to 72 hours of exposure, depending on the route of exposure (inhalation, ingestion, or injection) and the dose received.

For the rest of the Fact Sheet and further information about this chemical go here:
http://www.bt.cdc.gov/agent/ricin/facts.asp
For information on many different chemical, biological, or radiological hazards, I strongly recommend going to the CDC website and do a little exploring.  You can get there by going here:
http://www.bt.cdc.gov/

And with that, shall we call it a day?  I’m at work again this weekend, but I truly hope that you are all well and happy.  Be well, be safe and keep laughing until we meet again.
Ending

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Dragon Laffs #1323

  1. lethalleprechaun says:

    In honor of Earth Day we have upgraded the Blog to Carbon Neutral.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s