Constantly changing weather over the last week coupled with resultant changes in my health/ daily lifestyle have resulted in my being in chronic pain to the point I’m resorting to pain medication of a far strong sort far more often than I’m used to. I find this leaves me somewhat foggy/cloudy minded and incapable of crafting witty opening banter.
As a result we’re just jumping right into it this morning. I’m sure this disappoints you all greatly.
I think we need a double shot of espresso in our coffee this morning. In fact we just might have double shots all issue long!
The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman as President of the United States.
A few days after the election, the president-elect calls her father in Houston and asks, “So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”
“I don’t think so. It’s a long drive; your mom isn’t as young as she used to be, we’ll have the dog with us, and my arthritis is acting up in my knee.”
“Don’t worry about it, Dad, I’ll send Air Force One or another support aircraft to pick you up and take you home, and a limousine will pick you up at your door,” she said.
“I don’t know… that’s taxpayer money, you know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”
“Oh, Dad,” she replied, I’ll pay the tab! I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by one of the best designers in New York.”
“Honey,” Dad complained, “You know we can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.”
The President-elect responded, “Don’t worry, Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in D.C. And I’ll ensure your meals are salt-free. Dad, I really want you to come.”
So her parents reluctantly agreed, and on January 20, 2024 arrived to see their daughter sworn in as President of the United States.
The parents of the new President are seated in the front row. The President’s dad notices a Senator sitting next to him and leans over and whispers, “You see that woman up there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States ?”
The Senator whispered in reply, “Yes, I do.”
The proud Dad says proudly, “Her brother played football at Texas A&M.”
MURDER AT WALMART
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie..’ Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared…
ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!’
Oh, quit groaning! I don’t write this stuff, I receive it from warped readers and then send it on to you.
Pork chops are now ribeyes as U.S. meat industry renames cuts
By P.J. Huffstutter CHICAGO | Thu Apr 4, 2013 4:00pm EDT
(Reuters) – BBQ fans, brace yourselves: “Pork butt” will soon be a thing of the past.
In an effort to boost sales just ahead of the U.S. grilling season, and make shopping at the meat counter a bit easier, the pork and beef industries are retooling more than 350 names of meat cuts to give them more sizzle and consumer appeal.
The revised nomenclature emerged after two years of consumer research, which found that the labels on packages of fresh cuts of pork and beef are confusing to shoppers, said Patrick Fleming, director of retail marketing for trade group National Pork Board.
A stroll down the meat aisle had become baffling for shoppers looking for a steak. When they would see packages of “butler steak” or “beef shoulder top blade steak, boneless, flat iron” – they would walk away with an empty cart, said Trevor Amen, director of market intelligence for the Beef Checkoff Program.
So recently, the National Pork Board and the Beef Checkoff Program, with the blessing of officials with USDA, got the nod to update the Uniform Retail Meat Identification Standards, or URMIS. Though the URMIS system is voluntary, a majority of U.S. food retailers use it.
So pork and beef industry officials say they hope the new names will show up in stores nationwide by this summer’s grilling season.
If it does, the lowly “pork chop” will be gone. Instead, grocery retailers could be stocking stacks of “porterhouse chops,” “ribeye chops” and “New York chops.” The pork butt – which actually comes from shoulder meat – will be called a Boston roast.
“One of our biggest challenges has been the general belief among consumers that a pork chop is a pork chop,” said Fleming. “But not all pork chops are equal, and not all pork chops are priced equally.”
So much for pork being known as the other white meat–a label the pork industry used for years to lure consumers away from chicken.
A cappella history of music
A cappella superstars Pentatonix give you a crash course on the evolution of pop music starting in the 11th century. Which songs do you recognize?
Cheerleaders and Soldiers: Call Me Maybe
This is fascinating. The Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders did a dance video to “Call Me Maybe.” U.S. troops stationed in Afghanistan saw it and did their own version, matching the cheerleaders scene-by scene. Here are the two videos together.
Thanks to reader Paul for this next bit of information. He seemed to speak with a great deal of first hand knowledge on what I previously thought was an Urban Legend
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive..
“A less costly alternative,” said the doctor, “is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.”
The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”
“Trust me,” said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
(you’ll love this…)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky ,
Louisiana, Arkansas , Mississippi , and parts of Georgia , Missouri , and West Virginia and……….
ALL of Washington DC .
I’m reasonably informed by Impish who ran right off to disproved this that it works well on Dragons too.
YES! OK! So the following IS just sarcastic political satire (abet of the finest order and caliber IMHO) but this is precisely the liberal’s point of view and mind set behind all their gun control legislation, to say nothing of basically any other restrictive ‘big brother knows best’ policies they want to implement.
It’s just easier to demonstrate their logic and thinking this way to say nothing of much funnier.
April 18, 2013
SUBJECT: Sensible Legislation In Response To Boston Marathon Bombing
We need you help – your country needs you.
Now that we’ve learned that professional-style, high capacity pressure cookers were used to make the bombs for the Boston Marathon attack, we must address this concern before more lives are lost.
Now, we’re not trying to take pots and pans away from moms and chefs, we just need some common sense legislation.
Does anyone really need a professional-style, 5-quart pressure cooker? Pots and pans are fine, but is there any reason for ordinary
serfscitizens to have those professional-style pressure cookers. They’re just too dangerous – as this tragedy shows. I support a ban on high capacity pressure cookers. No one without a federal pressure cooker license (FPCL) should be allowed to purchase pressure cookers in excess of a 3-quart capacity. Also, we should prohibit the import of cheap, small, pressure cookers that are easily concealable in kitchen cabinets: the so-called “Saturday Night Dinner Specials.”
Also, did you know that pressure cookers can be bought and sold without a license or background check at any department store, through the mail and even at a rummage sale – by anyone! Grandmothers can pass them down to granddaughters, again, without any background checks, state or federal! This is just not right! Even if we save just one child’s life, isn’t it time to do something to stop this senseless pressure cooker violence? We must establish universal background checks for all pressure cooker sales! Close the dangerous loopholes, now!
Personally, we’d prefer to just make all pressure cookers illegal so we can get them off our streets like we did with drugs and prostitutes, but I don’t think that we can get that through the Congress yet.
Remember, it’s just old, bitter, white men clinging to their guns, Bibles and pressure cookers, that oppose us. 90% of the American public supports common sense pressure cooker control legislation. Contact your congressman and senators today!
Barack Obama, President United States of America
Nancy Pelosi, House Minority Leader
Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader
NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg
Andrew Cuomo, Governor New York
Daniel Malloy, Governor Connecticut
Yo Impish! I got a $5 spot & 2:1 odds that say the liberal loony lurkers are going to boil out of the woodwork all offended over this dragging the PC Police behind them and try to cloud this over by screaming I’m being insensitive about Boston by posting this. You want some of that action?