Dragon Laffs #1296


Header3adult2_thumb5_thumbGood Morning Campers!  So I gather that you all have heard about my little adventure over the last 48 hours or so.  Thank you to all of you who have sent me well wishes and have waited to hear from me.  I am still feeling really puny so this will be really quick.  There won’t be any Last Word today, but the rest of the issue is here.  As far as my medical adventures go….I should be back to normal in a couple of days.  But, I’ll try to keep you informed, even if it’s passed on through our dear friend the Leprechaun.

One day I asked my two-year-old daughter, Catherine, where her
slippers were. “Downstairs in the kitchen,” she told me. “What are
they  doing there?” I asked. “Nothing,” she replied. “They can’t walk
because they  don’t have feet in them right  now.”

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They were looking down into the depths of the Grand Canyon.
“Do you know,” asked the guide, “that it took millions and millions
of  years for this great abyss to be carved out?”
“Well, I’ll be darned,”  exclaimed the traveler. “I never knew this
was a government job.”

 

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I  was attending a benefit, and before the show began, I walked up
to a man  wearing fatigues. “I just want to thank you for your service
to our  country,” I told him. He looked thoroughly confused, but I
walked away  knowing I’d done the right thing. Later, when my soldier
took the stage along  with a police officer, a construction worker,
and a Native American, it  dawned on me why he’d had a puzzled
expression, I had thanked a member of  the Village People.

 

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After 80 years in print, Newsweek magazine will just be available online
starting in 2013. Not to say subscriptions have been down, but going paperless
and not having to send printed copies to all of its subscribers could
save as many as three trees a year.


TV Guide reported that Judge Judy was the highest-paid TV performer in
the United States. The magazine said she earns a forty-five million dollar
annual salary for her syndicated small claims court show. Only Alex
Rodriguez of the NY Yankees is paid more to sit on the bench.


 

Team Romney reported eleven million dollars in donations from liquor,
gambling and tobacco interests on Monday. That’s over twice what they
gave to Obama. Mormons have no idea how much money there is in those
businesses so they don’t try to take their cut the way Chicagoans do.


 

Pizza Hut offered free pizza for life for anybody who asked the candidates their
favorite topping during the town-hall meeting. There’s always one silly question
from the crowd in these debates. This is how we found out what kind of
underwear Bill Clinton wore before the witnesses each testified.


 

Hillary Clinton took off to Peru Monday as controversy swirled on Capitol
Hill about whether she or Obama refused to provide security for the U.S.
embassy in Libya. She’ll be back. The Clintons are like shingles, just
when you think they’re gone they pop back up.

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On our first anniversary, after a romantic candlelit dinner,  my wife,
Elizabeth, emerged from the kitchen with the finishing touch: the
top of our wedding cake for dessert. At the first cut, the iced layer
“squeaked” at us. For an entire year, we had saved a round
chunk of  frosting-covered Styrofoam in our freezer.

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Using a new painting program on my computer, I  managed to come up
with a very credible still life of fruit. I made a color  printout and sent
it to my daughter, a graphic designer. She called when it  arrived.
“Isn’t it good?” I asked.
She chuckled, and in a tone that echoed  mine from years ago, replied,
“Mom, it’s beautiful. We put it on the  refrigerator.”

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The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

“Can I help you?” she asked.

“I want to see Natalie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else,” said the madam.

“No, I must see Natalie” was the man’s reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred
dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an
hour, the man calmly left.

The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-too
expensive — and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie
and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.

“No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
she asked.

The man replied, “South Carolina.”

“Really?” she said. “I have family in South Carolina.”

“I know,” the man said. “Your father died and I am your sister’s
attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”

 

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A blonde sees a brunette repeating the number “21” in the middle of the road. The blonde asks, “What are you doing?” The brunette replies, “counting cars, want to give it a try?”So the blonde takes the brunettes place in the road and starts saying,”21,21,21.” A car comes along and runs over the blonde. The brunette walks off the road saying, “22,22,22.”

 

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On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak
to the minister. “Would it be right,” he asked, “for a person to profit
from the mistakes of another?”

“Absolutely not!” replied the pastor, disappointed that Frank would
even ask such a question.

“In that case,” said the young man, “I wonder if you’d consider
returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last
July.”

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A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
“Let me tell you a story,” replied the Priest.

“A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.”

The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!”

“Simple”, replied the Priest…

“It doesn’t matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!”

 

259A Little Wickedly Dry Humor by our own Jeannie:

I’m not speaking from experience or anything,
but I’m guessing “by the toe” would have to
be the worst possible way to catch a tiger.
–David Gunter
I shot the sheriff *and* the deputy.
Now there’s nothing to stop Aunt Bea
and I from being together!
–Mark D. Sabien
Tip: Using a dead calculator as a paperweight still makes you look smarter and busier. I know — I couldn’t believe it, either.
I think we have enough guns and bombs now. What we really need, as a society, is a more foldable fitted bedsheet.
–Mitchell Kobriger
I find it odd that so many of my friends have
exes with the same first name: Shithead.
Screw prison. I say you put convicts
in a Chuck-E-Cheese on a rainy Saturday.
They’ll be angels after that.
–Jill Gallagher
I sure hope I look as good as
Keith Richards does when I’ve
been dead as long as he has.
–David Means
Too many people concentrate on the things
that separate us, rather than on the things
that bring us together. For example, I don’t
see head lice and body lice; I just see lice.
I hate being referred to as a “human resource.”
The good thing, though, is that if I were an
alien resource, I’d probably be on an operating
table in a UFO somewhere with a probe in my butt.

 

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A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell. The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included President Obama.
Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet. She thanked him and started to leave, when he said,”I’m President Obama and I hope you’ll vote for me this November.”
She laughed and quickly replied, “I fell on my ass, not my head!”

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****Christmas Lights****

This is a little early, but the statement below is absolutely timeless.

I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the people who voted for Obama.

They all hang together, half of them don’t work, and most of the ones that do, aren’t that bright

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This is why dragons are considered so wise and understanding…it’s also why they are hunted to almost extinction!
A woman asks, “If I sleep with three men, everyone calls me a slut.  But when a man sleeps with ten women everyone calls him a real man.  Why is this?”

And I, the wise and venerable dragon reply that it’s actually quite simple.  When one lock can be opened by three different keys, it is a bad lock.  However, when one key is able to open ten different locks, we call that a master key.

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