(Special Thanks to Gailwynds331 for the fly-by!)
Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when
Fred announces that he’s going to divorce his wife.
“Good grief” says Jim, “You and Sue are the happiest couple
I know – why on earth would you want to divorce such a
lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?”
“Well” replies Fred, “Truth be known, I’m just bored with pokin’
the same hole night after night after night.
I guess I’m hankerin’ for a bit of variety.”
Jim: “Well if you want variety, why don’t you just, you know,
turn her over every now and again?”
Fred: “What – and have a house full of kids?”
Haunted Houses- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1858)
All houses wherein men have lived and died
Are haunted houses. Through the open doors
The harmless phantoms on their errands glide,
With feet that make no sound upon the floors.
We meet them at the door-way, on the stair,
Along the passages they come and go,
Impalpable impressions on the air,
A sense of something moving to and fro.
There are more guests at table than the hosts
Invited; the illuminated hall
Is thronged with quiet, inoffensive ghosts,
As silent as the pictures on the wall.
The stranger at my fireside cannot see
The forms I see, nor hear the sounds I hear;
He but perceives what is; while unto me
All that has been is visible and clear.
We have no title-deeds to house or lands;
Owners and occupants of earlier dates
From graves forgotten stretch their dusty hands,
And hold in mortmain still their old estates.
The spirit-world around this world of sense
Floats like an atmosphere, and everywhere
Wafts through these earthly mists and vapours dense
A vital breath of more ethereal air.
Our little lives are kept in equipoise
By opposite attractions and desires;
The struggle of the instinct that enjoys,
And the more noble instinct that aspires.
These perturbations, this perpetual jar
Of earthly wants and aspirations high,
Come from the influence of an unseen star
An undiscovered planet in our sky.
And as the moon from some dark gate of cloud
Throws o’er the sea a floating bridge of light,
Across whose trembling planks our fancies crowd
Into the realm of mystery and night,—
So from the world of spirits there descends
A bridge of light, connecting it with this,
O’er whose unsteady floor, that sways and bends,
Wander our thoughts above the dark abyss.
A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man who was
wearing a turban eating fresh shrimp.
Every time he ate one he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her
to deflect it.
Eventually she had enough and pulled the Emergency Cord.
The Muslim looked at her and said, “You’ll get fined $250 for doing
that, you stupid Catholic bitch.”
She laughed and said, “When I cry ‘rape’ and they smell your fingers,
you’ll get 10 years, you towel-headed Camel-fucker.”
Nuns- God’s Earthly Instruments of Devine Retribution. FEAR THEM! They just don’t rulers across knuckles and pointers across desks to enforce their rules anymore!
A Muslim dies, and by some error in his handling, ends up in heaven.
He’s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St Peter who says:
“Sorry, but we don’t allow Muslims into Heaven.”
“What?” replies the Muslim, “and why not?”
“Well, we just don’t and that’s it… we’re short on Virgins.”
The Muslim complains and carries on until St Peter gets fed up.
“Well,” says St Peter, “have you ever done anything good in your life?”
“Ummm….” the Muslim replies. “Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children’s charity so I gave her ten pounds. Last week, I donated ten pounds to the Cancer Society, and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money, so I gave him ten pounds too!”
“Alrighty then,” says St Peter, “wait here and I’ll have a quick word with God.”
Five minutes later, St Peter returns and says to the Muslim, “Listen, I’ve spoken with God and he agrees with me…here’s your 30 quid back, now f## off you towel headed terrorist bastard!”
Muslims- Unliked and unwanted even by the just about most accepting and forgiving God there is and his Saints!
I recently applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 9 gun turrets at various
heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.
The City Council told me; Forget it… AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN!
So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a ‘Mosque’.
Work starts on Monday.
I love this country. It’s the Government I’m afraid of…
Daylight Savings Time ends this Sunday November 4th!
While you’re at it it’s also a good time to check/change those smoke alarm & flashlight batteries, the batteries in your remotes, and in all those battery operated wall clocks too. While you’re at it, when was the last time the battery in your Keyless Car Entry Fob was changed?
Since I don’t have any suspected Meadow Muffins or Pasture Pies to talk about today I thought we might discuss some helpful sites for determining if what you are about to step in is the smells like roses truth…or the other vile hard to get off your boots stuff.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” ~ Winston Churchill
With the internet it’s probably possible for a lie to get all the way around the world several times before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
So how do you find the truth online? How do you check the facts?
Here are a couple of websites that can help you sort fact from fiction and outright lies:
For sorting through urban legends and dubious emails there is no better website than: http://www.snopes.com/
This site is dedicated to stomping out “eRumors” that show up in your email: http://www.truthorfiction.com/
This site was made famous in the last presidential election. To sort through all the political information out there the Annenberg Foundation set-up http://www.factcheck.org/
Speaking of politics, if you prefer your facts with a specific political slant you might want to consider one of these two websites:
http://www.mediaresearch.org/ Fact checking with a conservative slant
http://mediamatters.org/ Fact checking with a liberal slant
Since most of these sites cater to adult audiences you might want to consider this website as a resource for students: http://lii.org/
The Raven- Edgar Allan Poe (1845)
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
“ ’Tis some visiter,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door—
Only this and nothing more.”
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow;—vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow—sorrow for the lost Lenore—
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore—
Nameless here for evermore.
And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me—filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
“ ’Tis some visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door—
Some late visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door;
This it is and nothing more.”
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you”—here I opened wide the door;—
Darkness there and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Lenore!”
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, “Lenore!”—
Merely this, and nothing more.
Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon I heard again a tapping somewhat louder than before.
“Surely,” said I, “surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore—
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;—
“Tis the wind and nothing more!”
Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore;
Not the least obeisance made he; not an instant stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door—
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door—
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
“Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,” I said, “art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the Nightly shore—
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!”
Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”
Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning—little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door—
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as “Nevermore.”
But the Raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing farther then he uttered—not a feather then he fluttered—
Till I scarcely more than muttered “Other friends have flown before—
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.”
Then the bird said “Nevermore.”
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
“Doubtless,” said I, “what it utters is its only stock and store
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore—
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore
But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore—
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking “Nevermore.”
This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion’s velvet lining that the lamplght gloated o’er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o’er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!
Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Angels whose faint foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
“Wretch,” I cried, “thy God hath lent thee—by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite—respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore;
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”
“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil!—prophet still, if bird or devil!—
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted—
On this home by Horror haunted—tell me truly, I implore—
Is there—is there balm in Gilead?—tell me—tell me, I implore!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”
“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil—prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us—by that God we both adore—
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore—
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore.”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”
“Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!” I shrieked, upstarting—
“Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!—quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”
And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted—nevermore!
A fun detective game
Who doesn’t love a good mystery? Put yourself in the shoes of an animated detective in this fun and furry adventure. And learn something too!
The FFFBI – the Fin, Fur and Feather Bureau of Investigation – will take you on selected missions across the globe from India to Antarctica, as an animated detective.
You can use your logic, investigation skills and determination to gather evidence and put away the bad guys.
Although the site was designed to help elementary and middle school students learn about places and cultures around the world, it’s fun for any age!
OH those Italians !
They are a nice bunch……..
Because there are no mosques in Venice ,
the Italian Government has allowed Muslims to pray in the streets.
So far 543 have drowned.
GOD BLESS THOSE ITALIANS!
Craziest Halloween Scare/Prank Trick Ever! Head Drop Illusion
The elections occur in less than a week. Since my self imposed Politics/Obama/Impish Busting muzzle does not come off technically until tomorrow and next weeks issue would be too late I was faced with one of 2 choices. I could withhold publication of Leprechaun Laughs until tomorrow, there by fulfilling the letter of my promise, or making a few general non specific comments today while avoiding any direct criticisms &/or bashing in an attempt to portray my thoughts regarding the importance of this election while still adhering the spirit of my promise. Since I am not attempting to sway your vote, discuss the merits of one candidate or the other, refrain from bashing any candidate and am simply discussing the ramifications of this particular election and things of a like nature our Corporate legal team at Dewy Cheatum & Howe has informed me I am technically still good to go with my promise. Besides, past experience has shown the following to be so very true:
As my first comment let me make this observation to those who say that there are no good candidates therefore they are not going to bother to vote because it doesn’t make a difference:
We have people fighting and dying to protect us, our way of life and your rights. ONE OF THOSE IS YOUR RIGHT TO VOTE TO DETERMINE WHO LEADS US! IF you support our troops and appreciate what they are doing for all of us then you should have NO problem getting you backside out of that Lazy Boy and using your American freedom that they are fighting dying and existing under the harshest of conditions to protect.
I’m will to bet you voting apathetic bunch will be the ones whining and complaining the loudest about things you disapprove of during the next administration whom ever it is. Well guess what?
IF I FIND OUT YOU DIDN’T VOTE PERIOD I’LL SLAP THE CRAP OUT OF YOU WITH POSTED SCORN BY THE ISSUE LOAD FOR DARING TO OPEN YOUR WHINEY MOUTHS ANY TIME IN THE NEXT 4 YEARS!
You don’t exercise your right to vote from where I sit you lose your right to complain period end of discussion. You’re an outsider, a spectator not a participant in our political process and therefore you have no right to complain or comment on the situation
What follows from here on are excerpts from several Op Ed articles that have caught my eye over the last 2 weeks and my further thoughts which they have provoked. It is my hope not to sway your vote in either direction but rather to underline the importance of the fact that you DO vote and exactly what that vote represents in this particular election where most voters seem to be of the opinion that there is no good choice to be made and that therefore their vote is of no great significance either way so they might as well stay home.
It’s a ritual that seems as old as the Republic: every four years, two men get up and tell us that they—and they alone—can make the economy grow faster. “Elect me president,” each one says, “and I’ll put a chicken in every pot, a new car in every garage, and another zero on every paycheck. Elect the other guy, and you might as well take a vow of poverty right now.”
It’s remarkable enough that presidential candidates make such unlikely claims, but what’s even more amazing is that we seem to believe them. We attribute all sorts of magical qualities to the president, but none is more unreal than the ability to make the economy grow on command. The economy is big, and the president is just one man. And if you ask your neighbors, you’ll find that very few people are standing around, just waiting for the president to tell them to get moving and generate some prosperity.
After a few decades of listening to politicians make claims for their economic management powers that are literally incredible, you’d think we’d have been disillusioned. But as this election cycle seems to indicate that’s the opposite of the truth. When their economic promises fail, we just ask them to promise harder.
While the above is certainly historically true, there ARE things that a President DOES directly influence Foreign Policy, Domestic Programs, Border Protection and Control just to name a few. HE is also the face of the American People to the rest of the world and as such shapes the worlds impression of us while he is in office.
We have a 2 party system here in the U.S., which means we generally have 2 choices come election time, the status quo or an unknown quantity. This time around neither of the party’s candidates has in my opinion, shown a compelling reason to vote for them. One holds back and does his best to keep secret and control the information about himself and his administration that the people most want to aid them in making an informed decision, they other flop flops like a fish out of water desperate for a breath on the issues reminding me of the old saw about the prostitute who when asked what her name was replied “Who do you want me to be?” To me and apparently most people neither is a particularly compelling or attractive option.
I will say that there IS one thing that a challenger in a situation like this has going for him in his Pro column, the promise of a new beginning and a fresh start. In the last election your were promised ‘Hope & Change’. Well, while the challenger is not outright promising it this election it is what he represents simply by being the challenger. The incumbent is a known quantity and has made his intentions for the future should he win clear. Now the question you are faced with put in its simplest terms is can you live with that for 4 more year, more importantly can the COUNTRY live with it? Or, do you vote for the unknown quantity who appears to have no clear stance on anything and take the chance hoping that his election will bring about the sought after change which thereby will make the economy and country prosper thru confidence and opportunity.
Don’t be fooled by election scare tactics
Editorial courtesy of the Denver Post, denverpost.com. Published: Tuesday, October 30, 2012
With just over a week to go before Election Day, the deceit and noise have reached almost intolerable levels.
Hang in there, voters.
Don’t be swayed by last-minute cheap tricks, such as the phone calls making the rounds in Florida, Virginia and Indiana that urge people to cast ballots via phone. That is, for the record, not possible.
We hope voters also won’t fall prey to voter intimidation tactics — such as threatening or confusing billboards — paid for by those who’d like to scare some voters into not exercising their right to vote.
And if you’re one of those who ends up being challenged at the polls, keep your cool.
In Colorado, challengers may question voters’ eligibility based on age, citizenship and residency. But they have to attest under oath that they have reason to question a voter’s eligibility.
And so long as voters can swear they meet requirements, they will get a regular ballot. No citizenship papers or additional documents are required to be presented at the polls.
As energy surrounding the election increases to frenetic heights, it’s important for voters to know their rights and refuse to be put off by ill-intentioned politicos who seek to manipulate the electoral system for their own nefarious purposes.
Some election observers say the tactics usually reserved for the last few days before an election are now taking place in the weeks before the election.
Certainly, the close nature of the presidential election pitting President Obama against GOP challenger Mitt Romney is driving the action, particularly in swing states such as Colorado, Florida, Ohio and Virginia.
For instance, some seniors, including Republican Kurtis Killian from Florida, reported getting phone calls offering to take their votes over the phone.
In New Mexico, a video has surfaced of a Republican organizer giving false information to poll watchers, telling them they can demand that voters show identification, and can keep voters from requesting the help of an interpreters. Neither is true.
It’s probably going to get worse as the clock runs out on voting. We urge citizens to exercise their right to vote and then hold steady.
Because, of course, after the election, it will not be over until the last recount is conducted and the last lawsuit settled. Welcome to the joys of modern-day elections.
First of all let me say that hearing of shit like this going on makes me want to pick up a rifle and go political asshole hunting. While regular assholes are in season year long and there is no limit on them political assholes of the trophy class only come in season once every 4 years and we apparently have a bumper crop of them this year.
Likely we are in for a long and drawn out election certification process reminiscent of the 2000 election and Florida’s issues due to hand counting. This time around it will be in the North East and because of the damage from the Super Storm. You can bet that these political process hijackers will be out doing their version of the ACORN events of 4 years ago while looking for any opportunity to challenge anything they possibly can in an attempt to ‘legally’ influence the voting outcome in their favor.
If you are approached by someone get a name, an organization, demand ID &/or proof of affiliation, get a phone number (blocked names and phone numbers are a SURE sign of a scam). Call the police and report this activity. File a complaint with your state attorney general notify your local voting boards. YOU are responsible for protecting the exercising of your right to vote from those who would internally prevent you from using it.
Finally I would ask that you all take some serious time to reflect on your choice of candidate seriously. The one thing we can ALL agree on regardless of our political affiliation or view point is that the choice we make on November 6th is going to have a major impact on this country for the next 4 years and that because of that we all need to choose WISELY.