Dragon Laffs #1287


header4801hadult1_thumb[1]Good Morning Campers!  I hope everyone has had a great week I have a special surprise for you!  But first, I have to give you another plea for funds!  Thank you, thank you, thank you to the few of you who’ve already given!  Bless you!  We couldn’t do any of this without you!  We’re asking for a little bit from the rest of you.  Just loose pocket change, what you find under the couch cushions, forgo that second chocolate latte, you get the idea.  We hate to beg for money, but we hate to see the end of our dream even more.  Okay, so no more preaching or begging and on to the surprise.
Here’s a picture of me in the midst of my acting career during the exercise I told you about.  There were lots of other pictures, but of other people that I’m sure you aren’t interested in.  And there were some of them that haven’t been cleared for general release yet, so here I am:
01a6aYes, I know.  I can almost hear the words to Fiddler on the Roof.  Or that stupid hyena yell that they seem so fond of.  And yes I also know that I’m not only mixing my analogies, by I’m also mixing my religions, and races.  Oh well, it was still fun.  What do you say we get on with the fun!

A plethora of blonde jokes…to all you blondes out there in the campground, I’m really sorry, but that’s okay, ‘cause you probably won’t get most of these jokes anyway.

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

“We’ve been trying for months now, Doctor, and I don’t seem to be able to get pregnant,” she confessed miserably.

“I’m sure we’ll solve your problem,”  the doctor reassured her. “If you’ll just take off your underpants and get up on the examining table…”

“Well, all right, Doctor,” agreed the young woman, blushing, “but I’d rather have my husband’s baby.”

banging head
Q: What’s the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: First…pick them up off the floor…
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A blonde is telling one of her friends, “Christmas is on a Friday this year.  Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: “Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.” To which the blonde replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”

 bricks
A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy,” she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me”. The blonde says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.
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A blond spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “. He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor. “No”, he shouts, “this is her husband!”
computer frustration
A blonde’s dog goes missing and she is frantic. Her husband  says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”
She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
“What did you put in the paper?” her husband asks.
“Here boy!” she replies.
Dirty Rat
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. “Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks. “Hanging myself,” the blond replies. “It should be around your neck” says the guard. “I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe”.
dizzy
(This one actually makes sense…lol) An Italian tourist asks a blonde: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the blonde replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
doctor

For Sale!
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Dog For Sale . Free to good home.
Excellent guard dog.
Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro anymore,
as there are no more drug pushers, thieves,
murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood
for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by
his Chinese street name,
Ho Lee Schitt.

SEX AND CALORIES!!!!!
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 45 seconds?

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Understanding Engineers #1

 Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

 Understanding Engineers #2 

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 Understanding Engineers #3

 A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!” The priest said, “Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello, George. What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free any time.” The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

 Understanding Engineers #4

 What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?  Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. 

  Understanding Engineers #5

 The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

 Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.” Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.” The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

  Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet. 

 Understanding Engineers #8

 An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.”The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool.”

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A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, “I think I would like this room in a cream color.”

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, “Green side up!” He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. “In this room, I was thinking of an off blue.” Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, “Green side up!”

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, “Green side up!”

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, “Why do you keep yelling ‘Green side up’ out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?”

The contractor replied, “Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.”

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Observations

What a country. The Olympics closing ceremony was Sunday
night in London, Mitt Romney spent his first weekend touring
with his running mate Paul Ryan, an earthquake in Iran killed
hundreds… and the most popular story on CNN.com? Jennifer
Aniston is engaged.


Bubba and I want to know how come there ain’t no Olymmpic NASCAR.

 

Democrats say that Mitt Romney’s running mate Paul Ryan is the
“enemy of the middle class.” To which most Americans are asking
“What middle class?”

 

 


 

N.Y. Mayor Mike Bloomberg named alcohol use his next crusade
Monday. He’s banned large sodas, baby formula, now he’s targeting
booze. Everyone just hopes the speakeasies will be clearly marked
as to which ones serve alcohol and which ones serve
bathtub breast milk.

 

Jimmy Carter will give a taped speech to the Democratic Convention
next month in Charlotte. It’s bound to cheer up Democrats. A speech
from Jimmy Carter is a timely reminder that restricting a president
to one term does not limit his aggravation potential.


The U.S. Olympic team battled all weekend with China to see
which country brought home the most gold medals. It was
very close. China was ahead in gold medals won until the
U.S. Olympic team borrowed them all to pay for roads and
bridges and education.

 


 

Doctors removed a spider hiding in a woman’s ear canal. The
spider crawled into her ear while she was at home sleeping.
The woman needs to hire an exterminator. Hopefully
someone will put a bug in her ear.

 

A report says the Department of Agriculture spent $2 Million on
an internship program that only resulted in just one hire. That’s
nothing. More than a billion dollars will be spent on the upcoming
presidential election that will also result in only one hire.

 

A new study says 12 states have very high (over 30% of adults)
obesity rates: Alabama, Arkansas, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana,
Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas
and West Virginia. Most of them red states. Which either means
higher healthcare costs or less people alive to collect Social Security….

The Mars Curiosity rover sent back photos which scientists suggested

looked like California’s desert. That’s silly. The mountains and dust
look about right but not even a planet the size of Mars could possibly
have as many aliens as there are in California.

 

R.I.P Helen Gurley Brown, 90, who once said “good girls go to heaven
and bad girls go everywhere.” Well, I guess now she’ll find out.


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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately,
the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his
drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar,
handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a
shot into the ceiling. “WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?” he
yelled.

No one answered.

“ALL RIGHT, I’M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA’ BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN’T BACK OUTSIDE
BY THE TIME I FINISH, I’M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON’T LIKE
TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked
outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of
town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner,
before you go. . .what happened in Texas?”

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Friday the Thirteenth comes on Monday this month.  Mark your calendars!


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Animal Chatter 2

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After the shepherd retired he felt ewes less.
 
I want to be a watchmaker. It is a great job because
you can make your own hours.
A woman called her insurance company to see if her policy covered psychiatric treatment. After reviewing her policy, the agent told her, “Yes, Virginia, there is an insanity clause!”
 
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
 
Did you hear about the new pinata? It’s a huge hit.
 
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.
 
Didja hear about the kangaroo that was hopping mad? 

211Archie Bunker called it right:

You must go to the website in order to view the videos….it’s well worth it!  http://dragonlaffs.com
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Motivational Thriller
Motivational Tolerance
Motivational Transformers

Motivational Turtle

“Wrinkled” was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!

212

Talk about a windy day!

Everyone knows that highway signs aren’t supposed to bounce like they just remembered the lyrics to “Jump Around” by House of Pain. But this particular sign across a highway in Calgary, Alberta, Canada doesn’t care about your so-called common knowledge.

A storm that brought some serious wind sent this crossbar into gyrations so severe that cars began changing lanes to get out of the way. Watch all the way to the end of the short video, you’ll see they had good reason.

And of course, the video needs to be watched on our website!  Go to http://dragonlaffs.com

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Hiding under the mask

Have you ever wondered who is playing the role of a character?
Often, even the most unrealistic characters are well-known actors…
Andy Serkis – Gollum in Lord of the Rings
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Davy Chase – Samara Morgan Bell
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Boris Karloff – Frankenstein

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Michael Chiklis – Thing in the Fantastic Four

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Well, early Saturday morning we learned that Congressman Paul Ryan, Republican from Wisconsin, is to be Mitt Romney’s pick for the next Vice President of The United States.

What are we to think of this selection?  He’s not a graduate of Columbia University.  He’s not a graduate of Harvard.  He wasn’t selected as the President of the Harvard Law Review. [Well, for my money, that’s three in the plus column!]

 

He didn’t get a special free quota scholarship ride to any prestigious university and, instead, had to work his way through Miami University of Ohio.  [For you left wing liberals out there I present this definition: work [wurk] noun, adjective, verb,worked or wrought; working. noun 1. exertion or effort directed to produce or accomplish something; labor; toil.]

 

For God’s sake the man drove the Oscar Mayer Wiener Truck one summer and waited tables another!  [Look up work in the previous paragraph.]

One morning when Paul Ryan was sixteen years old he went in to wake his father up and found him dead of a heart attack.  He didn’t write two books about that experience.  [What? A missed liberal opportunity.]  Instead, he assumed the role of adult at an early age, never having the luxury to pursue youthful drug use and the art of socialist revolution.  [No drug use?  Not even casual drug use?  Geez!  What qualifications for office does this guy even have?]

Instead, Paul Ryan and his mother took his grandmother, suffering from Alzheimers, into the household and served as the primary care provider for his grandma.

 

His grandma wasn’t the Vice President of the Bank of Hawaii so she could offer nothing in return, except the element of “need”.

Once Paul Ryan got his BA in Economics from Miami University of Ohio he was hired as a staff economist in Wisconsin Senator Kastin’s office.

 

The job must have not paid well because young Ryan moonlighted as a waiter and fitness trainer.  No one offered him a “token honor” position at the University of Chicago and a $200,000 dollar a year salary. [Do I even need to keep asking these same questions over and over again?  It’s obvious that this gentleman led quite the different life than the individuals he and Mr. Romney are looking to replace.  That alone should be enough for us to vote them both in!  But, let us continue this look into Mr. Ryan’s life, shall we?]

When a still young Paul Ryan returned to Wisconsin to run for Congress he didn’t demonize his opponent and dig up dirt to shovel against him. He waited until the standing Congressman vacated the office before seeking the office.  In Janesville, Wisconsin they don’t have a big political machine to promote you, to criminalize your opponent; instead Paul Ryan had to go door to door and sit at kitchen tables and listen to his future constituents.

After getting elected to Congress Paul Ryan didn’t triumphantly march into Washington, buy himself a Georgetown townhouse and proceed over to K Street to rub elbows with lobbyists.  He bunked in his Congressional office and used the house gym for showers and a fresh change of clothes.

Paul Ryan then married and took his bride back to Janesville.  He lives on the same street he lived on as a kid and shares the neighborhood with eight other members of the Ryan clan.

 

He hunts with the local Janesville hunt club and attends PTA meetings and other civic functions.

For those who can’t make those public functions, Paul Ryan bought an old bread truck, converted it into a “mobile constituent office” and drives around to meet with those who need his help and attention.  [Does this sound anything at all like the yahoos who currently occupy the positions?  I don’t think that any of them could get out of their own way to actually help someone.  Heaven forbid, they might have to delay a vacation or a tee time!]

No, I don’t know if we can vote for a guy like this.  He doesn’t have a regal pedigree; he’s Irish for God’s sake!  No one awarded him a Nobel Peace Prize two months after getting elected.  No one threw flowers or got “chills down their leg” as a he took his seat in Congress.

What is most despicable about Paul Ryan is that he has had the nerve to write the House Budget for three years in a row.  He’s is brazen and heartless in advocating in that budget for a $5 trillion dollar reduction in federal spending over the next ten years!  The House passed his budget three years in a row and three years in a row the Democratically controlled Senate has let it die in the upper house, without ever proposing a budget of their own. 

What is wrong with this guy? 

If Congress were to cut $5 trillion dollars from the budget where would the President get the money to give $500 million dollars to a bankrupt Solyndra?  Or $200 million dollars for bankrupt Energy 1?  Or $11 billion dollars to illegal aliens filing INIT, non-resident tax returns to claim $11 billion big ones in child tax credits, even for their children living in Mexico?

I don’t know.

Paul Ryan seems heartless to me.  He keeps wanting to cut government waste, he keeps wanting to put a halt to those big GSA conventions in Vegas and, worse, he keeps trying to make people look at that $16.7 trillion dollar deficit! 

The guy’s no fun at all!

Who wants a numbers cruncher?  Who wants someone spoiling the party by showing folks the bill?  Nothing will spoil a party quicker than sending the host the bill before the party’s over.

Party Hearty folks!  At least until November.

And may I offer a loud and hearty AMEN!!!
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