Good Morning Campers!
I truly hope everyone is having a great weekend. Sadly, I’m at work, again, so you will have to enjoy this issue without me. Well, I’ll be here in spirit while I teach CBRNE Survival Skills to our dedicated Reservists. I gladly work my weekends if it means helping out the men and women who have volunteered to put their butts on the line between me and my family and the evil bad guys out there who are quite anxious to see harm come to our great country.
So, without further ado, …
Southern Drawl Words Translated [blog]
- HEIDI – (noun) – Greeting.
- HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage “Heidi, Hire yew?”
- BARD – (verb) – Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow. “Usage “My brother bard my pickup truck.”
- JAWJUH – (noun) – The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”
- BAMMER – (noun) – The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements.”
- MUNTS – (noun) – A calendar division. Usage “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”
- THANK – (verb) – Cognitive process. Usage “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”
- BARE – (noun) – An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”
- IGNERT – (adjective) – Not smart. See “Arkansas native.” Usage “Them bammer boys sure are ignert!”
- RANCH – (noun) – A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts. Usage “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”
- ALL – (noun) – A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”
- FAR – (noun) – A conflagration. Usage “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”
- TAR – (noun) – A rubber wheel. Usage “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”
- TIRE – (noun) – A tall monument. Usage “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”
- RETARD – (verb) – To stop working. Usage “My grampaw retard at age 65.”
- FAT – (noun), (verb) – a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”
- RATS – (noun) – Entitled power or privilege. Usage “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”
- CHEER – (adverb) In this place. Usage “Just set that bare rat cheer.”
- FARN – (adjective) – Not domestic. Usage “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”
- DID – (adjective) – Not alive. Usage “He’s did, Jim.”
- ARE – (noun) – A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen. Usage “He cain’t breathe…give ‘im some ARE!”
- BOB WAR – (noun) – A sharp, twisted cable. Usage “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”
- JEW HERE – (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”
- HAZE – a contraction. Usage “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah…haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n ‘is laf.”
- SEED – (verb) – past tense of “to see”.
- VIEW – contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”
- GUBMINT – (noun) – A bureaucratic institution. Usage “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.”
Another great oldie, but goodie.
So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Up
North Bear Removers.”
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30
minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit
“What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks…
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go
up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to
put him in the cage in the back of the van.”
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog .”
This is way too funny to be “just a joke”:
Not Raising Hogs
Secretary of Agriculture
Dear Mr. Secretary,
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a thousand dollar government check for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks but if this is not a good breed not to raise, then I would just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very pleased about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years and the best he ever made on them was four hundred and fifty dollars in 1968 until this year when he got your check for not raising any.
If I get one thousand dollars for not raising fifty hogs, will I get two thousand dollars for not raising one hundred hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about four thousand hogs not raised which will mean about eighty thousand dollars the first year. Now, another thing: These hogs I will not raise will not eat ten thousand dollars bushels of corn. Will I qualify for payments for not raising grain that will not feed the four thousand hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems like a good time of the year not to raise hogs or grain.
Also, I am considering the “not milking the cows” business so please send me information on that, too. In view of these circumstances, I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment benefits and food stamps.
Witticisms of Ignorance
You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.
A fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population
And it’s another round of …
Dear (blank), Sincerely (blank).
Here we go!
A bit of irony
Rather Ironic Isn’t It?
The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.
Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to “please do not feed the animals” because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.
Remember to report ANY suspicious activity at Wal-Mart to the Office of Homeland Security
A bit of musical magic, and memory…
This is adorable! How fun!
We’ve got a new surprise for you. Who doesn’t love portable apps? You can carry them around in your thumbdrive, or launch them from a cloud drive. They don’t need to be installed and yet, allows you to commandeer any computer with your choice of applications.
Today, we’d like to announce the release of our Best Portable Apps page!
Check our our Best Portable Apps page:
We’ve populated it with awesome apps that we’re sure that you’ll find useful on the move. Included are gems like OpenOffice, allowing you to work on your documents wherever Microsoft Office isn’t installed; KeePass, to help you remember your passwords on the go; TeamViewer, to connect to remote computers no matter where you are; and VLC Player, when you need the flexibility of a versatile media player.
As with the rest of our Best Of family, we’re sure to update this page constantly so bookmark it and check back frequently to discover more useful portable apps that you can store on your thumbdrive.
If we’ve missed your favourite portable app, feel free to let us know by commenting on the page.
Bookmark our Best Portable Apps page:
And please don’t forget to share the page with your friends! Use the social sharing buttons right there on the page itself.
Enjoy and share!