Dragon Laffs #1228


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Good Morning Campers.
Thursday….From the Latin word Thorstdan meaning, “Ain’t it Friday yet?”  Yes, we still have a little left to suffer through in this week, but we’ll do it together and we’ll have fun.  Let’s jump right into the laughter this morning, shall we?

I’ve seen this one before, and it’s frustrating as hell.  Thanks to Ginny for sending it in:

You think you’re smart, take the Idiot Test… This is no joke, nothing is going to jump out at you or anything like that. I made it finally….I just wouldn’t give up! If anyone completes it let me know…..

If your memory is shot, get a pencil to right down what to do, you’ll understand once you start.

Click Here for the Test

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The perfect example of what the hell is wrong with our leaders

This will make you sick. We have a bunch of halfwits running this country.

This ya gotta see…..unbelievable

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And here’s another example of how screwed up things are. 

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Not saying that the homeless guy shouldn’t have been punished, and the fact that he robbed a bank under the threat of violence is probably what did him in, but how can you compare these two crimes and justify the first guy getting a slap on the wrist?  Makes no sense.

 

 

Finally!  An instruction manual has been written to help us understand women!
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One of the best websites to belong to, MakeUseOf.com has some really interesting stuff on line and sent to you by email.  I’m copying this one to you whole so you can see what I mean.

If you had to fill your iPhone, iPod touch or iPad with just 100 apps, which would they be?
Don’t really know which are the absolute best iOS apps for your device? Well, in that
case, we’re extremely proud to announce our new Best Of: iPhone Apps page!
See the new Best Of: iPhone Apps now
From travel apps to productivity apps to games, we’ve listed them all.
We’ve discussed about it internally and we think that these are the best iPhone and
iPad-compatible (denoted by (+)) apps available in the Apps Store today. Do enjoy!
If we’ve missed your favourite app or overlooked a category or any must-have apps,
please let us know in the comments section here: http://muo.fm/rrwC0k. Otherwise, we
hope that this list will act as a reference for you and your friends.
Check out the Best Of: iPhone Apps now
Please share the Best Of: iPhone Apps page with everyone you know!
Thanks.

MakeUseOf Limited
105 Collingwood Road
Colchester, C03 9BB
Essex / UK

 

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Dear Mom,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam’s mother and tell her he is okay. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.

Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance.

We think it’s a super bus. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren’t any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it’s concrete because we didn’t have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it’s my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster’s tent.

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Groaner Zack

A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race. The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, didn’t have the strength to finish the race. The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first stretch, but the tomato quickly fell behind. The yam was about to reach the end of the track, but collapsed in exhaustion right before the finish line. Over the course of an hour, the tomato ran the entire length of the race, and won. Why was the tomato so successful? The tomato paste itself.

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Motivational College

Motivational Compliance

Motivational Compromise

 

Talk about ruining your whole day!
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Whether you care for this type of music or not, the child’s piano playing is remarkable and worth hearing…
REMEMBER LITTLE RICHARD? THIS WILL BLOW YOU AWAY. IT’S AMAZING TO SEE
HOW TALENT SHOWS THROUGH AT SUCH AN EARLY AGE.

This is Richard Wayne Penniman (aka Little Richard)
about fifteen years before “Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy….” if you’re familiar with early period Beatles,
you’ll know that McCartney was heavily influenced by Little Richard.
A-whop bop-a-lu bop a-whop bam boom.
Here is rare footage of “Little Richard” as a child
just starting out in the music biz’ … in some movie with …
(wow this is reaching back there) …Van Johnson ..


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Ozzy Osbourne spent $10,000 on a Yorkie. That pretty much answers

the questions as to whether he has quit using drugs.

 

 

 

 

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Bank of America announced that it lost $9 billion in the second
quarter. It’s not good. In fact, when I put my card in the ATM,
it said, “Do you mind if I borrow this for a while?”

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Italians:

Why do Italians hate Jehovah’s Witnesses?
Because Italians hate all witnesses.

Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said
(To New York ) TO NY

You know you’re Italian when. . .

You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can’t fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.

You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on the same block.

All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5′ 9″, it is presumed his Mother had an affair.

There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

And you REALLY, REALLY know you’re Italian when . . . .

Your grand father had a fig tree.

You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

Your mom’s meatballs are the best.

You’ve been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.

You know how to pronounce “manicotti” and “mozzarella.”

You fight over whether it’s called “sauce” or “gravy.”

You’ve called someone a “mamaluke.”

And you understand “bada bing”.

Italians have a $40,000 kitchen, but use the $259 stove from Sears in the basement to cook.

There is some sort of religious statue in the hallway, living room, bedroom, front porch and backyard.

The living room is filled with old wedding favors with poofy net bows and stale almonds (they are too pretty to open).

A portrait of the Pope and Frank Sinatra hang in the dining room.

God forbid if anyone EVER attempted to eat ‘Chef Boy-ar-dee’, ‘Franco American’, ‘Ragu’, ‘Prego’, or anything else labeled as Italian in a jar or can.

Meatballs are made with pork, veal and beef. Italians do not care about cholesterol.

Turkey is served on Thanksgiving AFTER the manicotti, gnocchi, lasagna, and minestrone or shcarole soup.

If anyone EVER says ESCAROLE, slap ’em in the face — it’s SHCAROLE.

Sunday dinner was at 1:00 PM sharp. The meal went like this… The table was set with everyday dishes. It doesn’t matter if they don’t match. They’re clean; what more do you want?

All the utensils go on the right side of the plate and the napkin goes on the left.

A clean kitchen towel was put at Nonna’s & Papa’s plates because they won’t use napkins.

Homemade wine and bottles of 7-UP are on the table.

First course, antipasto.

Change plates.

Second course, macaroni. All pasta was called macaroni.

Change plates.

Third course, roast beef, potatoes and vegetables.

Change plates.

THEN, and only then – NEVER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL – would you eat the salad drenched in homemade oil & vinegar dressing.

Change plates.

Next course, fruit & nuts – in the shell – on paper plates because you ran out of the real ones.

Last was coffee with anisette espresso for Nonna, ‘American’ coffee for the rest – with hard cookies (biscotti) to dunk in the coffee.

The kids would go out to play.

The men would go lay down. They slept so soundly that you could do brain surgery on them without anesthesia.

The women cleaned the kitchen.

We got screamed at by Mom or Nonna and half of the sentences were English, the other half Italian.

Italian mothers never threw a baseball in their life, but could nail you in the head with a shoe thrown from the kitchen while you were in the living room.

Other things particular to Italians…

The prom dress that Zia Ceserina made you cost only $20.00, which was for the material.

The prom hairdo was done free by Cousin Angela.

Turning around at the prom to see your entire family, including your Godparents, standing in the back of the gym… PRICELESS!

True Italians will love this.

Those of you who are married to Italians will understand this.

Those who wish they were Italian, and those who are friends with Italians, will smile

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Ginny writes:

I must admit when I first got this, I figured
it was a joke, but it is as real as apple pie.
I checked cities by me and they were basically
correct. Put this in your Favorites and when
you have to travel, check it out before you
leave. It could be a very helpful tool.

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During a time when our country should be tightening the belt (just like OUR families have to during financially tough times) to read something like this just chaps my ass!  And trust me when I tell you that I have a lot of ass to chap!  It’s from almost 10 months ago!  Why are we not thinking of ourselves first?  We have AMERICANS in our country who could use the help and here we are cutting off our own Social Security and handing money to other countries.  It makes me sick.

President Donates $100 Billion to the United Nations

By: Paul L. Williams    |  October 6, 2010

The U. S. State Department yesterday announced that the Obama Administration has agreed to contribute $4 billion to the United Nations Global Fund to fight AIDs, Tuberculosis, and Malaria from 2011 to 2013.

The $4 billion represents a 38% increase over the previous U.S. commitment to the fund.

United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon said that a total of $11.7 billion has been raised from 40 countries, the European Commission, faith-based organizations, private foundations, and various corporations.

This means that over one-third of the money will come from the pockets of US taxpayers.

Oil-rich nations like Saudi Arabia, Abu Dhabi, and the United Arab Emirates contribute next to nothing, and China, which holds most of the US $14 trillion debt, agreed to provide a measly $14 million.

In addition to the annual gift of $1.33 billion to the Global Fund, President Obama has agreed to provide billions more for UN projects.

These allocations are set forth in a 28 page document as follows:

  • Funnel $63 billion to the Global Health Initiative during the next six years
  • Make $1 billion annually to education programs
  • Give $475 million to the Global Agricultural and Food Security Program’
  • Provide $800 million from the Overseas Private Investment Corporation to Muslim-majority countries in the Middle East and North Africa. An additional $3.2 billion will be provided by private equity capital sources to these Muslim nations
  • Shell out millions more available through USAID for developing tech hubs in Uganda, Kenya, Cameroon, South Africa, and Senegal.
  • Dole out $80 million through the Overseas Private Investment Corporation for small to medium enterprises in the Middle East and North Africa.
  • Cough up $2.5 billion annually to 90 countries to “strengthen governance and democratic institutions.”
  • Make available $30 billion through the Obama’s Climate Change Initiative to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. In addition, $100 billion a year will be provided through taxpayer and private resources to deal with the alleged threat of global climate change.

The United States is assessed at 22% of the U.N. regular budget and more than 27% for U.N. the peacekeeping budget. Mr. Obama has requested $516.3 million for the U.N. regular budget and more than $2.182 billion for the peacekeeping budget for 2011.

The United States is also assessed for numerous other United Nations organizations as well. More than $6.347 billion went to U.N. organizations in FY 2009.

The United States also provides money to the U.N. through the State Department, Department of Agriculture, Department of Energy, Department of Health and Human Services, and other agencies.

Andrea Lafferty of The Traditional Values Coalition writes: “The U.S. taxpayer is forced to pay billions to an inefficient organization run by world leaders who hate America and the free market system. This doesn’t make any sense – nor does our paying 22% of the cost to keep this bureaucracy alive when we have only one vote in the General Assembly.”

Several candidates have called for the U.S. to sever its relationship with the United Nations. The list includes Dennis Ross, a Republican candidate for Congress from the 12th Congressional District of Florida.

In a statement to The New American, Mr. Ross said:

An organization that allows nations like Iran and Libya to chair committees dedicated to human and women’s rights makes a mockery of both. The UN, like any bureaucracy, must constantly be evaluated and put to the test, and if found lacking, be dismantled. I believe the US government is perfectly capable of conducting bilateral and multilateral relations with other nations on our own. Despots, human rights violators, and tyrants should be confronted, not congratulated.

Such concerns over the U.S. involvement with the UN are not new.

Senator Barry Goldwater was quoted in 1971 by the Congressional Record as saying:

The time has come to recognize the U.N. for the anti-American, anti-freedom organization that it has become. The time has come for us to cut off all financial help, withdraw as a member, and ask the U.N. to find a headquarters location outside the United States that is more in keeping with the philosophy of the majority of voting members, someplace like Moscow or Peking.

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One Response to Dragon Laffs #1228

  1. Ginny says:

    That just makes me sick, people are out of jobs, homes and patients. How about Charity starts at HOME first!

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