LeprechaunLaffs with the
Celtic, Crass, Comedic
Someone asked what went through our minds first thing in the Morning. While I cannot speak for Impish (either what goes through his mind or if he even HAS one) this is what scrolls down the inside of my eyeballs starting about 15 seconds after I roll over, sit up, stop sounding like a box of Rice Krispies someone just poured a quart of 2% milk into and get my glasses on my face. This holds particularly true for Mondays when everything seems to start out/up begrudgingly.
LET’S SLURP IT IF YOU GOT IT AND LAUGH!
The minister announced that admission to a church social event would
be six dollars per person.
“However, if you’re over 65,” he said, “the price will be only $5.50.”
From the back of the congregation, a woman’s voice rang out, “Do you
really think I’d give you that information for only fifty cents?”
Nope your reading that right, The Center of Disease Control is providing tips on surviving the impending Zombie Apocalypse (my guess is this refers to the mass migration of brainless mindless liberal lemmings to the polls to re-elect Obama)
Thankfully, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, yes the government-run CDC, has stepped up to remind us all: we need to prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse. By Melissa Bell http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/blogpost/post/cdc-prepares-for-zombie-apocalypse-tips-on-how-to-survive/2011/05/19/AFHPqD7G_blog.html
That’s so like our government to leave a job half done. OK, I admit, it IS surprising that the CDC, a governmental agency, has apparently come out to warn of an impending invasion by mindless liberals and democrats with only two things on the “minds”- spending your money and getting Obama re-elected. However isn’t it typical that they fall short and fail to warn us of the all ready in progress Vampire invasion of blood sucking entitlement minded freeloaders and illegal immigrants who are sinking their fangs in our wallets in an attempt to bleed us dry under the disguise of social awareness?
ACTUALLY someone at the CDC has decided to attempt to lighten up their usually rather dry posts about emergency readiness kits and personal disaster kits and get more young people to read and follow their advice in a humorous way.
Still the thought of an invasion of zombie liberals is going to give me nightmares for weeks to come, thanks CDC!
Bizarre Newspaper Headlines
Cause of AIDS Found – Scientists
Doctor Testifies in Horse Suit
City May Impose Mandatory Time for Prostitution
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy
Why You Want Sex Changes With Age
Boys Cause As Many Pregnancies As Girls
Cemetery Allows People to be Buried by Their Pets
Man Held Over Giant L.A. Brush Fire
Antique Stripper to Demonstrate Wares at Store
Sudden Rush to Help People Out of Work
Deadline Passes for Striking Police
THE TOILET SEAT
Charlie’s wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the
seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was
out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she
returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting
in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she
realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet
seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in
desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet
around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free
her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Lucy tried to lighten the
embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never
seen anything like this before.” The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve
seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed.”
3/4 oz. Amaretto
3/4 oz. Absolut Citron Vodka
2 oz. Sour Mix
1 splash Sprite
Glass to Use: Beer Pint
Pour all ingredients into a pint glass filled with ice.
Wonder why you didn’t do this earlier.
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, ‘Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?’
‘Yes, Bubba, sure is true,’ responded the lawyer.
‘And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?’
‘Sure is, Bubba.’
‘And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?’
‘And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn’t read?’
‘That’s right,’ said the lawyer.’ ‘But why are you asking?’
‘Well, I was thinkin… What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?’
Today’s Last Word comes courtesy of a non reader friend of mine (gasp!) Yes, I know, its terrible that people should needlessly suffer in ignorance of this great blog. I have tried to get him to lay down his burden but he just won’t heed my advice. Sad a fact as it maybe there are just those out there who refuse to listen to the voice of reason, usually we call them liberals.
Last year Obama flew in Air Force One 172 times, almost every other day.
White House officials have been telling reporters in recent days that the Democrat doesn’t intend to hang around the White House quite so much in 2011. They explain he wants to get out more around the country because, as everyone knows, that midterm election shellacking on Nov. 2 had nothing to do with his health care bill, over-spending or other policies, and everything to do with Obama’s not adequately explaining himself to his countrymen and women.
And with only 673 days remaining in Obama’s never ending presidential campaign, the incumbent’s travel pace will not likely slacken.
At an Air Force-estimated cost of $181,757 per flight HOUR (not to mention the additional travel costs of Marine One, Secret Service, logistics and local police overtime), that’s a lot of frequent flier dollars going into Obama’s carbon footprint.
We are privy to some of these numbers thanks to CBS’ Mark Knoller, a bearded national treasure trove of presidential stats. According to Knoller’s copious notes, during the last year, Obama made 65 domestic trips over 104 days, and six trips to eight countries over 22 days. Not counting six vacation trips over 32 days.
He took 196 helicopter trips, signed 203 pieces of legislation and squeezed in 29 rounds of left-handed golf.
Obama last year gave 491 speeches, remarks or statements. That’s more talking than goes on in some entire families, at least from fatherly mouths.
In fact, even including the 24 days of 2010 that we never saw Obama in public, his speaking works out to about one official utterance every 11 waking hours. Aides indicate the “Real Good Talker” believes we need more.
Related: Obama spends nearly half his presidency outside Washington, plans to travel more
Related: Vacationer-in-Chief Spends $1.75 Million to Visit Hawaiian Chums
Obama has spent over $100 million taxpayer dollars flying around in Air Force One, and probably another $100 million on his entourage. Obama is just another tin-pot dictator living lavishly at the expense of his subjects.
And we seniors have to “tighten our belts” because we aren’t getting a COLA again this year… and none last year!
THANKS TO ALL WHO HELPED PUT THIS GREEDY WINDBAG IN OFFICE!! BE MORE CAREFUL NEXT TIME!!