Saturday Morning. Don’t know why, but I’ve been up since 0200 hrs. I have to work today, so the day just keeps getting better and better. We have to do something to fix that, so I thought….yes, I actually said I thought … I know some of you (Lethal) actually consider that statement an oxymoron, but I digress…. I thought that today would be a REALLY GOOD day to laff.
And for those of you who were expecting an obligatory Rapture crack…. don’t be disappointed … check today’s Last Word.
I know it’s wrong to start the day off with such an incredibly bad joke, but it’s Saturday and you guys should be able to recover well enough to keep reading. This one is from our own Stephanie….she keeps this up and she is going to need her own banner….like Zack.
Scientists at MIT have reportedly announced that they have discovered a new species of weevil that feeds solely on the cotton fibers in men’s shorts. The researchers have no idea where the species originated, and are appealing to the general public, as well as the rest of the scientific community for any information that would help identify the insect. They are anxious to identify what weevil lurks in the shorts of men.
And yet another…
They just arrested a fellow who talks dirty to plants.
Caught him making an obscene fern call.
Unabashedly stolen from Jumbojoke.com
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Affair
News Item: Arnold Schwarzenegger waited until after his term as governor of California ended to tell his wife that he had fathered a child with one of their “household staff” members — ten years before. She left him.
With that, we offer a Jumbo Joke original…
Saying that he now has Total Recall, Arnold Schwarzenegger told his wife Maria Shriver that he was done telling True Lies, and gave her The Rundown. He promised that the household servant was positively his Last Action Hero. He said he had been taking care of Junior financially because the woman had refused his Eraser proposal. The Villain was just grateful she didn’t have Twins.
By The 6th Day after her husband’s confession, Maria had embarked on The Long Goodbye toward the End of Days — “Who’s the Terminator now, bucko?” she said before slamming the door behind her.
The governor’s mistress, referred to in reports only as “Red Sonja” (who attracted Ahnold in the first place by going Commando around the mansion), insists the governor was a Predator who was often in Red Heataround her. Still, she had to admit she enjoyed his favorite bedtime game,Around the World in 80 Days, and said the 63-year-old governor was still capable of Pumping Iron.
Schwarzenegger’s reputation is in shambles, and he claims he has gotten a Raw Deal. He has become a Running Man who can’t seem to get anyone to answer his calls. His career in shambles, it seems the only job he qualifies for now is as a Kindergarten Cop.
From our dear fellow camper, Jeannie…
Now, the same thing (kinda) from above
An excellent day for an exorcism
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that….. 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You‘re obviously not listening.”
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
They say this is a mentos and coke trick that backfired…. I don’t know….I think it worked out just perfect!
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
- As an American, I am relieved that Donald Trump is not running for president. But as a vulgar late night entertainer, I feel a certain amount of regret.
- Trump is out, and Mike Huckabee is out. At this point, the only person that could derail President Obama’s re-election is Joe Biden.
- After borrowing money for years, we hit the magic number: $14.3 trillion. It’s the maximum amount the government is allowed to borrow. Our credit card is maxed out.
- Our creditors include the Chinese government, the Japanese government, and a guy named Vinnie the Fist. Hey! I know Vinnie! He works for Lethal Leprechaun.
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
- Disney is trademarking the phrase “SEAL Team 6,” after the team that took down Osama bin Laden. Yeah, cause when they shot bin Laden, captured his wives and found his porn, I was like, “This would make a great Disney movie.”
- In a new interview, President Obama said that killing Osama bin Laden does not secure his 2012 re-election. Yeah, that’s been taken care of by the current field of Republicans. Yeah, ain’t that the truth!
largest car recall in history…..all Mercury automobiles ever built have been recalled……it seems some of them may contain tuna fish.
On the border of Tennessee and Georgia there’s a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Tennessee farmer, while the other half belongs to a Georgia man.
One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee man comes across a coyote caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Georgia neighbor.
“There’s one of your coyotes caught in a trap on my side of the forest.”
“How do you know it’s one of *our* coyotes?” the Georgia farmer asked.
“Well,” the Tennessee replied, “he’s already chewed off three of his legs and he’s still trapped.”
“The death of Osama bin Laden last Sunday has apparently damaged our relationship with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda has released a statement vowing to make America pay for bin Laden’s death. Which – I’m pretty sure we did pay for his death. We paid for the whole thing and even took care of the funeral arrangements. Maybe a thank you would be nice.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Osama Bin Laden’s supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea. Really? Martyr Sea? Hiding in your bedroom for six years? How about Chicken of the Sea?” –Jay Leno
“Osama bin Laden is in the ocean. How ironic. Once again surrounded by seals.” –Jay Leno
“Osama bin Laden had money and telephone numbers sewn into his clothes. Apparently we got him just as he was on his way to summer camp.” -Jay Leno
“How about those Navy Seals. We’re getting our money’s worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden’s compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head.” –David Letterman
“Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don’t understand why they’re so upset. Everyone in Al Qaeda just got a promotion.” –Craig Ferguson
“Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved.” –Jay Leno
“Bin Laden lived in this compound in Pakistan with all of his wives for 6 years. So he did suffer.” –David Letterman
“Bin Laden’s wives didn’t have it too bad………by looking at the pictures of the inside of the compound, it doesn’t look like any of them EVER had to do housework”.
Well, according to some, today is the last day. The Rapture will begin sometime today and all the righteous will be taken to Heaven. Were it just that simple. All of the God fearing Believers in Christ are snatched up and get to watch from above as the pagans, radicals, socialists and evil doers fight it out here on earth. See, there’s a joke, right here, about all us good campers going to Heaven and all the democratic Obamaphites staying here… but I didn’t go there. Nope, not me….
well, I guess….
maybe I did.