Next person that tells me there is no reason to be superstitious over Friday the 13th and that being so is a sign of ignorance is going to get a shelleigh right square in the mush! By 7:00 PM on Friday I was in me sick bed with a high fever, chills, pounding headache and generally feeling like the Dragon normally looks… an ugly death warmed over. I couldn’t get out of bed at all on Saturday and while I was up for a wee while Sunday morning I’m currently gutting out this issue from my bed again. I’m even planning on posting it earlier than I normally do so I can turn in earlier and sleep later, hopefully a LOT later in the morning.
You’ll have to excuse me if it’s not up to my usual standards but I I felt bad for you folks. It’s bad enough its Monday for you people too, but to have it be Monday AND have to listen to the Dragon whine about how he worked all weekend and then had to pick up my slack was just too much to inflict on your readers so here I am doing the best I can.
OK enough about my devotion to DragonLaffs and my misery….
LET’S HAVE SOME MEDICINAL LAUGHTER!
Can I get that with a double shot of Tylenol3 and Prozac please?
Simple Alzheimer’s Test
How fast can you guess these words, no cheating
1. F_ _K
6. _ _NDOM
You got all 6 wrong….didn’t you?
Don’t worry. You don’t have Alzheimer’s. You are just a pervert.
In your case Impish I’m afraid its both options. On the bright side, in an hour, I’ll be able to bill you for giving you the same test again!
Late Night Laughs
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
- President Obama gave a big speech at the U.S.-Mexico border, talking about creating pathways to citizenship. We already have pathways. They’re called tunnels.
- Newt Gingrich announced he is running for president. His new slogan is “At least I’m not Trump.”
- McDonald’s is undergoing a billion-dollar makeover, to be more like Starbucks — snobby, overpriced, and full of unemployed people.
- Oreo has come out with something called the “Triple Double” Oreo. They call it that because your waistline triples and your cholesterol doubles.
[ Administrative Note: Have purchasing get quote on boxcar load of “Triple Double Oreos” before Dragon starts whining about wanting them and how he’s always last to get the good things again]
- President Obama’s approval rating is the highest in two years. Experts say that at this rate, Obama can count on re-election if he just kills bin Laden two more times.
- Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, “What happened to the last guy?”
- Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver might be splitting up. Arnold’s friends say he is doing everything he can to win his wife back. He just burned every single copy of “Jingle All the Way.”
- Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander.
Late Show With David Letterman
- A deadly peacock has escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They want everyone to be on the lookout for an enormous tail. It’s like looking for Kim Kardashian.
- There was a naked guy running around on the subway. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie . . .
- Newt Gingrich announced that he’s running for president on Twitter and Facebook. I think his concession speech will be on YouTube.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions on the Application to Replace Osama bin Laden
10. “How many threats per minute can you type?”
9. “Can you work weekends?”
8. “Are you just doing this for the sweet 8-inch picture tube television?”
7. “How do your co-terrorists describe you?”
6. “What is the current bounty on your head?”
5. “Any ideas for a new catchphrase? ‘Death to America’ is kind of played”
4. “Would you require the use of the company llama?”
3. “How often do you delouse your beard?”
2. “Were you bar mitzvahed?”
1. “What are your long-term goals, besides not getting killed by Navy SEALs?”
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
- Mel Gibson’s new movie is about a man who is so emotionally damaged that he can only communicate through hand puppets. It’s called “The Craig Ferguson Story.”
- I don’t know how I feel about film festivals. On one hand, film is an art form and competition demeans it. On the other hand, I’m a very big fan of watching other people fail.
- I’ve been to the Cannes film festival three times. Yes, I used to be in real show business.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
- CBS has offered Charlie Sheen’s role on “Two and a Half Men” to Hugh Grant. I wonder what the thought process was there: “Where can we find another actor who has been busted with hookers?”
- Lindsay Lohan pleaded no contest to theft charges for allegedly taking a necklace from a jewelry store. She will serve her sentence at home with a monitoring bracelet. If she stole a necklace, what are the chances they’ll get that monitoring bracelet back?
- After 25 years Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating. She said, “I’ll give you 25 years to learn to speak English. If not, we’re done.”
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
- Just a month after misplacing a cobra, the Bronx Zoo spent today looking for its missing female peacock. Yeah, you know what else the Bronx Zoo should be looking for? A new zookeeper.
- A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby. You don’t pat down a baby! You stick him in a tray and run him through the X-ray machine.
- The White House announced that the $50 million reward for Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts won’t be going to anyone. Then China was like, “Wanna bet?”
- The number of millionaires in the U.S. is expected to double by the year 2020. Of course, by then, being a millionaire will just mean you have a full tank of gas.
“Thanking Obama for killing Bin Laden is like going into McDonalds and thanking Ronald McDonald for the hamburger. It’s the guy cooking the burger that should get the credit, not the clown.”
Ah Mulligan! Another Leprechaun after me own heart..frequently and with a bloody big knife too! You bankrupt a fellow once and steal then marry his girl and some folks just can’t find forgiveness!
The Village People – it’s a riot!
THE ONLY LIVE ONE IS THE GUY IN THE MIDDLE.
The rest are puppets.
You know…I’ve seen Impish look a lot like that, usually after a fight with Mrs. Dragon!
Well we WERE supposed to just be adding a couple more potential Republican candidates to the mix today but apparently before I can do that we have to delete another one.
Seems Mike Huckabee has decided to go against the tea leaves and not throw his hat into the steel cage match of his party’s primary saying his heart just isn’t in it. Too bad Fred Thompson didn’t do this back in ‘08 and I would not have embarrassingly backed a horse that died before it completely cleared the starting gate!
Mike Huckabee will not try to become the Republican candidate in next year’s US presidential election.
“All the factors say go, but my heart says no,” he said on his Fox News Channel show on Saturday. Huckabee made a strong showing in the 2008 campaign for the Republican candidature.
He is the second prominent Republican contender to bow out; Haley Barbour announced last month he would not run. Barack Obama’s approval rating has hit its highest point in two years, 60%, and more than half of Americans now say he deserves to be re-elected, according to a poll last week.
Obama had already been expected to be a fundraising powerhouse in his re-election campaign, with some estimating he will bring in as much as $1bn.
Wow $1 BILLION in Obama’s campaign funds? That’s a LOT of drug money! What a clever way to launder it! Brilliant! Oh well we can always hope with the money to buy that much air time he bored half his voter base to death!
Ok scratch one more Republican from the possibles list now lets add two new ones to the mix:.
The Fast Fix: President Mitch Daniels?
By Chris Cillizza Mon May 9, 10:45 am ET
Could Mitch Daniels, the Republican governor of Indiana and former Bush Administration official, be a serious contender in 2012?
Mitch Daniels, the governor of Indiana, isn’t all that well known by the general public, yet he’s seen as a very serious contender for the presidency if he decides to run in 2012.
Daniels has a long and impressive resume in politics that has been capped by seven well-regarded years as Hoosier State governor.
But even more importantly is the fact that Daniels is one of the few people in either party who seems willing to take on the nation’s ever-growing debt problems. In a speech earlier this year, Daniels’ compared the debt to the threat from Russia during the Cold War.
In Indiana he has balanced the budget for four straight years without raising taxes, a record that has has many Republicans clamoring for a Daniels candidacy.
Daniels isn’t without problems though. His call for a “truce” on social issues has not gone over all with party activists. He did sign a bill defunding Planned Parenthood in the state late last month though.
A Potential Candidate in No Rush for a Race
By JEFF ZELENY Published: May 4, 2011
WASHINGTON — Gov. Mitch Daniels of Indiana called the leisurely pace of the 2012 presidential campaign “a blessing” for voters. Whether he plans to take advantage of it is another question, which he did not answer as he paid a visit here Wednesday
For weeks, the clamor about Mr. Daniels has swelled among Republicans. And for weeks, he has dropped only cursory clues about his intentions, sending mixed signals about whether he was looking for a way out of — or into — the party’s presidential nominating contest.
He exhibits many qualities of a candidate: deep experience in government, a passionate concern about the nation’s fiscal burdens and policy proposals that could keep Congress busy for a long while. A campaign structure is almost fully locked into place. Yet his public appearances have been missing one ingredient: enthusiasm.
[Mitch must be taking a page from the Fred Thompson’s How to Run For President on an Ambivalence Platform and Embarrass Yourself and Supporters 2008 playbook. –L.L.]
Mitch Daniels’ Hamlet Complex
The Indiana governor needs to jump into the 2012 race—or stop ruminating about it. Jill Lawrence on why playing the reluctant candidate is more likely to turn Daniels into a Fred Thompson than a George Washington.
Didn’t I just say that Jill? Get your own witty copy and stop stealing mine!
One week of making the rounds as a possible presidential candidate, and Mitch Daniels is already digging himself out of a hole. Memo to Mitch: Get in or out, but do it soon. There’s such a thing as playing too hard to get, and it can be risky.
The Indiana governor’s high-profile speech last week in Washington about his education accomplishments, and his wife’s upcoming keynote address Thursday at a state Republican Party dinner, are among the strong signs that he is serious about jumping into the 2012 GOP race. The former federal budget director, a fiscal Paul Revere raising alarms about the $14.3 trillion national debt, has certainly received encouragement to run from some in his party and many in the media, including me.
Huntsman’s 2012 Buzz Caused Friction With Obama Team
by McKay Coppin
With Jon Huntsman gearing up for a 2012 campaign, sources in Beijing tell McKay Coppins exclusively that the ambassador’s presidential buzz led to clashes with the White House—and the Chinese government.
With Jon Huntsman gearing up for a presidential campaign, political pundits are zeroing in on how the Republican’s service as the Obama administration’s ambassador to China will affect his chances in the GOP primary.
Real answers to that question won’t come until voters begin pulling levers, but in the meantime, something else is coming into focus: how the Huntsman 2012 buzz, which began a full four months before he officially left the Obama administration, affected his service in China.
An embassy official who worked closely with Huntsman in Beijing told The Daily Beast that the last few months of the ambassador’s tenure were marked by friction with the White House. After a January Newsweek article set off a flurry of speculation that Huntsman would make a bid for the presidency, the Obama administration began taking aggressive measures to ensure that Huntsman wouldn’t be able to use his appointment for 2012 posturing, said the official, requesting anonymity to discuss internal matters.
“Once the resignation was submitted, politics probably became much more of a question mark, and it was tense,” the official said. “On the embassy side, there was suspicion that [Huntsman] was being subjected to greater scrutiny than he would have otherwise been.”
According to the official, who was not a political appointee, the administration began micromanaging Huntsman’s schedule, canceling media appearances and carefully vetting his public remarks. The source specifically noted a major education speech in Shanghai that was heavily scrutinized by administration officials “to make sure it was kosher.”
How Jon Huntsman Could Win in 2012
As he launches a new PAC, Obama’s former China ambassador is considered a dark horse, but he could parlay conservative positions on abortion, guns, and the deficit—and support from Glenn Beck—into a strong presidential bid, writes McKay Coppins.
When Jon Huntsman Jr. returned to the United States last weekend, no one was quite sure how serious he was about making a run for the White House—not even his staff.
As U.S. ambassador to China, Huntsman had hinted at presidential aspirations, but federal law prohibited him from engaging in overtly political activities while working for the State Department. So his supporters were forced to assemble a campaign-in-waiting without his input and simply hope for the best.
Now, it appears, they can stop wondering: He’s serious.
On Tuesday, after two days of consulting with staffers—some of whom he was meeting for the first time—Huntsman filed paperwork to create a federal political action committee that will allow him to travel and raise money. Insiders say HPAC, as they’ve named it, will serve as a de-facto exploratory committee, and that Huntsman will likely announce his bid this summer. The question now is, can he win?
The case against Jon Huntsman
By Chris Cillizza Posted at 11:53 AM ET, 02/ 1/2011
Today we argue the opposite — the case against Huntsman.
(Look for cases for and against all of the potential Republican nominees for president in the coming week and months!)
There is no figure in American politics right now whom Republican voters distrust and dislike more than President Obama. So, having served in his administration is not an ideal launching pad for a bid for the GOP nomination. That’s the position Huntsman currently finds himself in, having spent the better part of the last two years working for Obama in China. “I’m sure that him having worked so well for me will be a great asset in any Republican primary,” Obama joked at a recent press conference.
While Huntsman allies insist that serving as an ambassador is not the equivalent of being a member of the Obama Cabinet, it may not matter for many Republican primary voters who view ANY connection to Obama as unpalatable. If Huntsman can’t get past “hello” — kind of the opposite of “you had me at hello” — with Republican primary voters, the strength of the rest of his resume won’t matter much.
The Mormon problem:
Huntsman is a Mormon. (Send the breaking news alert now!) The 2008 candidacy of former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney seemed to suggest that being a Mormon complicates drawing in social conservative voters who dominate the Iowa caucus and the South Carolina primary — two of the first three nominating contests in the 2012 race. Romney spent oodles of time and money in each state but finished a distant second behind former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee in Iowa and third in South Carolina.