What a day yesterday! I just have one question, which should easily explain to you how my day went, when I tell you, the whole day was like this. Here’s my question… “How is it that a 32 oz. soft drink, when dropped and spilled on a kitchen table (covered in papers and school work, by the way) can spread approximately 17 gallons of sticky liquid on EVERYTHING??? I was wading waste deep in soda at one point in time, thinking it was some sort of a poltergeist trick or something. Unbelievable.
Okay, so enough humorous whinging (as LL would say) we need to get on with our laughs….
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!’
That’s when she shot him .
You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when
To keep their mouths shut.
SISTER MARY ANN’S GASOLINE
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,
“Now THAT is what you call faith, If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’!!
Okay, this is really cute. And once we tell you what it’s about, you don’t even have to know the words:
Use Your “Inside Voice”
Watch this cute dog being told to use his “inside bark.”
You know, it pisses me off that someone has taken a picture of our Dragon Laffs Enterprises Security Teams training in the desert near our company complex and turned it into some silly joke about Victoria’s Secret. The problem is now that our Security Chief, No-Name, will have to go out and do something about this. And although No-Name will be discreet, it always bothers me that our Chief of Security, who by the way, is also our weapons expert, explosives expert, personnel defense expert, and an instructor at the Ninja Academy of Fighting, has to go and take care of some of these corporate problems that pop up because some people can’t keep their nose out of other people’s business. It’s a shame really, but he does enjoy the overtime pay. So, I guess there’s a plus there after all.
A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds. One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow.
The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. “I can’t take it any more! We’ve got to get rid of all of these darn…”
The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. “Please Dear,” she said, “Not in front of the chilled wren.”
How cork in harvested in Sardinia.
Not to be confused with how cork is soaked … on Saturday Night Live! …(the quality of the video isn’t great, but it’s funny as hell)
You know, Lethal Leprechaun is very old. He’s been around for a while. Did you know that he was once stranded on a deserted island? When he had been there for over 10 years, he saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship”.
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous red-head!
She walked up to the stunned Leprechaun and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?”
“Ten years,” replied the amazed Lethal.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?” asked the red-head.
Trembling, Lethal replied, “Ten years.”
Hearing that, the red-head reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
Lethal Leprechaun opened the flask and took a long drink. ” ‘Tis nectar of the gods!” he shouted. ” ‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”
At this point the gorgeous red-head started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling Leprechaun and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”
With tears in his eyes, Lethal fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!
What a cool trick!
The same thing electronically?
This is so bad that the author, and I both offer you an apology….
So….she’s probably Gladiator, too?
You know…I used to have that same problem. Now I live where I work and there’s no problem anymore….except when I have to fly to one of those remote locations and do an ad-spot or raze a village… or gather virgin sacrifices, then drinking and flying is rather difficult. There was that one time recently where I put a little bit too much jump-start in my morning coffee; I was on my way to gather a batch of oriental virgins and I accidently crashed into the Japanese coast-line. I guess I caused a little earthquake and everything. I think they’re probably still mad at me, but thankfully, I’m pretty sure they don’t know it was me. You can keep my secret, right?
See! And again, dammit! Someone has gotten a picture of our cleaning staff at work and tried to make it into something funny! Man, that pisses me off. We value our privacy here at Dragon Laffs. No-name is going to be busy figuring out who our leak is. Think I’ll turn that over to Lethal Leprechaun and his department heads. They do such a great job on security and such. I’m more the artistic type….as I’m sure you all know.
I completely scrapped my Last Word for today and inserted this at the last minute because I believe it is an important read. It’s important because we Americans need to know what happened. Since they won’t show us any pictures yet, (I believe they will eventually, but are they going to be doctored up like his birth certificate?) any information on the death of bin Laden needs to be exploited and shared. So, read on dear campers, read on…
From Fox News…
The U.S. deliberately hid the operation from Pakistan, and predicted that national outrage over the breach of Pakistani sovereignty would make it impossible to try again if the raid on bin Laden’s suspected redoubt came up dry.
Once the raiders reached their target, things started to go awry almost immediately, officials briefed on the operation said.
Adding exclusive new details to the account of the assault on bin Laden’s hideout, officials described just how the SEAL raiders loudly ditched a foundering helicopter right outside bin Laden’s door, ruining the plan for a surprise assault. That forced them to abandon plans to run a squeeze play on bin Laden — simultaneously entering the house stealthily from the roof and the ground floor.
Instead, they busted into the ground floor and began a floor-by-floor storming of the house, working up to the top level where they had assumed bin Laden — if he was in the house — would be.
They were right.
The raiders came face-to-face with bin Laden in a hallway outside his bedroom, and three of the Americans stormed in after him, U.S. officials briefed on the operation told The Associated Press. The officials spoke on condition of anonymity to describe a classified operation.
U.S. officials believe Pakistani intelligence continues to support militants who attack U.S. troops in Afghanistan, and actively undermine U.S. intelligence operations to go after Al Qaeda inside Pakistan. The level of distrust is such that keeping Pakistan in the dark was a major factor in planning the raid, and led to using the high-tech but sometimes unpredictable helicopter technology that nearly unhinged the mission.
Pakistan’s government has since condemned the action, and threatened to open fire if U.S. forces enter again.
On Monday, the two partners attempted to patch up relations, agreeing to pursue high-value targets jointly.
The decision to launch on that particular moonless night in May came largely because too many American officials had been briefed on the plan. U.S. officials feared if it leaked to the press, bin Laden would disappear for another decade.
U.S. special operations forces have made approximately four forays into Pakistani territory since the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks, though this one, some 90 miles (145 kilometers) inside Pakistan, was unlike any other, the officials say.
The job was given to a SEAL Team 6 unit, just back from Afghanistan, one official said. This elite branch of SEALs had been hunting bin Laden in eastern Afghanistan since 2001.
Five aircraft flew from Jalalabad, Afghanistan, with three school-bus-size Chinook helicopters landing in a deserted area roughly two-thirds of the way to bin Laden’s compound in the Pakistani city of Abbottabad, two of the officials explained.
Aboard two Black Hawk helicopters were 23 SEALs, an interpreter and a tracking dog named Cairo. Nineteen SEALs would enter the compound, and three of them would find bin Laden, one official said, providing the exact numbers for the first time.
Aboard the Chinooks were two dozen more SEALs, as backup.
The Black Hawks were specially engineered to muffle the tail rotor and engine sound, two officials said. The added weight of the stealth technology meant cargo was calculated to the ounce (gram), with weather factored in. The night of the mission, it was hotter than expected.
The Black Hawks were to drop the SEALs and depart in less than two minutes, in hopes locals would assume they were Pakistani aircraft visiting the nearby military academy.
One Black Hawk was to hover above the compound, with SEALs sliding down ropes into the open courtyard.
The second was to hover above the roof to drop SEALs there, then land more SEALs outside, plus an interpreter and the dog, who would track anyone who tried to escape and to alert SEALs to any approaching Pakistani security forces.
If troops appeared, the plan was to hunker down in the compound, avoiding armed confrontation with the Pakistanis while officials in Washington negotiated their passage out.
The two SEAL teams inside would work toward each other, in a simultaneous attack from above and below, their weapons silenced, guaranteeing surprise, one of the officials said. They would have stormed the building in a matter of minutes, as they’d done time and again in two training models of the compound.
The plan unraveled as the first helicopter tried to hover over the compound. The Black Hawk skittered around uncontrollably in the heat-thinned air, forcing the pilot to land. As he did, the tail and rotor got caught on one of the compound’s 12-foot (3.6-meter) walls. The pilot quickly buried the aircraft’s nose in the dirt to keep it from tipping over, and the SEALs clambered out into an outer courtyard.
The other aircraft did not even attempt hovering, landing its SEALs outside the compound.
Now, the raiders were outside, and they’d lost the element of surprise.
They had trained for this, and started blowing their way in with explosives, through walls and doors, working their way up the three-level house from the bottom.
They had to blow their way through barriers at each stair landing, firing back, as one of the men in the house fired at them.
They shot three men as well as one woman, whom U.S. officials have said lunged at the SEALs.
Small knots of children were on every level, including the balcony of bin Laden’s room.
As three of the SEALs reached the top of the steps on the third floor, they saw bin Laden standing at the end of the hall. The Americans recognized him instantly, the officials said.
Bin Laden also saw them, dimly outlined in the dark house, and ducked into his room.
The three SEALs assumed he was going for a weapon, and one by one they rushed after him through the door, one official described.
Two women were in front of bin Laden — yelling and trying to protect him, two officials said. The first SEAL grabbed the two women and shoved them away, fearing they might be wearing suicide bomb vests, they said.
The SEAL behind him opened fire at bin Laden, putting one bullet in his chest, and one in his head.
It was over in a matter of seconds.
Back at the White House Situation Room, word was relayed that bin Laden had been found, signaled by the code word “Geronimo.” That was not bin Laden’s code name, but rather a representation of the letter “G.” Each step of the mission was labeled alphabetically, and “Geronimo” meant that the raiders had reached step “G,” the killing or capture of bin Laden, two officials said.
As the SEALs began photographing the body for identification, the raiders found an AK-47 rifle and a Russian-made Makarov pistol on a shelf by the door they’d just run through. Bin Laden hadn’t touched them.
They were among a handful of weapons that were removed to be inventoried.
It took approximately 15 minutes to reach bin Laden, one official said. The next 23 or so were spent blowing up the broken chopper, after rounding up nine women and 18 children, to get them out of range of the blast.
One of the waiting Chinooks flew in to pick up bin Laden’s body, the raiders from the broken aircraft and the weapons, documents and other materials seized at the site.
The helicopters flew back to Bagram Air Base in Afghanistan, and the body was flown to a waiting U.S. Navy ship for bin Laden’s burial at sea, ensuring no shrine would spring up around his grave.
When the SEAL team met President Obama, he did not ask who shot bin Laden. He simply thanked each member of the team, two officials said.
In a few weeks, the team that killed bin Laden will go back to training, and in a couple of months, back to work overseas.