If you’re reading this it means you have made it to Hump Day this week and are heading down the back stretch towards the chocolate covered sugar encrusted gluttony that is Easter Weekend for some.
I’ll be continuing my long standing tradition of having the Easter Bunny for dinner…quite literally, while most of you I suspect will be having some form of Pork or Lamb product.
After lunch I suspect a trip to see some of Molly’s nearest relatives will ensue which likely means a marathon game of Monopoly, which if I have any hope of sleeping in my bed that night I will gracefully lose.…badly.
Before we begin laughing coffee out our noses I’d like to take a quick second to thank those readers who wrote us in support of the comments I made in Monday’s Last Word. Your continued voices of appreciation and support let us know we are still on the right path and doing the right thing and we are grateful for them.
Now Let’s All Have Good Laugh
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.”Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”
At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”
I saw Impish Dragon the other day dragging himself into the office looking like hell. I asked him why he looked so bad. He answered “I got too much stress. See I picked up a hitchhiker, a beautiful hot girl. Suddenly she faints inside the car and so I took her to a hospital. Now that’s stressful.”
“Yeah, in the short term it must have been” I allowed, “but surely that briefly stressful incident could not be responsible for your looking THAT bad.” as I slid a drink to him
Impish moaned “No there’s yet more at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulated me saying I was going to be a father. I told them in no uncertain terms that I was most definitely not the father, but the traitorous girl said I was. This is now getting very stressful. So then … I had to request a DNA test to prove that was not the father. “
“Well that should have put an end to the stress right then and there…. right?” I responded.
“You’d think so but instead, it got even WORSE” by this point Impish was almost sobbing into his drink “You see after the tests are completed, the doctor says that I’m infertile, and probably have been since birth. So, I’m NOT the father just like I said all along.”
“OK you were extremely stressed, but should be very relieved now its over and you have been vindicated. So would ya be kindly getting to the root o’ the fecking problem soon? Me drink ‘tis almost gone and so your time is almost too” I retorted getting a wee bit impatient with how long this was taking.
Sobbing now and pounding on the bar now Impish continued, “I was on my way back home, and I WAS relieved, or at least that is until I started to think about my three kids at home. “
NOW THAT’S THE STRESS I GOT!!
Impish came running (well OK more like waddling actually) up to me shouting, “O.M.G., I’m rich! I never thought I’d accumulate such wealth!”
Being his Financial Advisor, Accountant, Lawyer, as well as the CFO, Bookkeeper and Office Manager for DragonLaffs Enterprises, I was in a position to know exactly what he was worth and for the life of me could not figure out what he was talking about and told him so bluntly, “’Ere now, what is it your prattling on about?”
Impish explained (sadly he was rather proud of this too)
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Ass
Iron in the Arteries
And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
When I pointed out he had failed to list all the empty potential storage space between his ears as an asset he got mad and chased me about 300 feet until he ran out of breath! Well OK to be honest I’m not completely sure if he ran out of breath or spotted the buffet table and got distracted.
My television currently thru U-verse offers me something like 330 channels including 1/2 a dozen each of HBO and Cinemax currently though that’s about to expire. I figure if you discount the all Spanish, Asian, Towelhead, Shopping, News, Sports and Religion all the time channels that leaves me roughly 250 channels of programing that theoretically varies once to twice an hour.
Despite this Molly and I watch a scant 2 to 3 hours a night & slightly more on the weekends. This isn’t because we are particularly busy but rather because there is so little quality programing anymore. We record a lot from the BBCA and such English language foreign channels and watch it when we want. More so than we do with American programing of a non documentary nature.
Here is an example of why. It’s truly riotous and you can’t help but laugh regardless of your sex!
And all American TV can come up with is Dancing With The Stars and Celebrity Apprentice??
What the hell is THAT in the pool?
Let’s just SEE him try and get that grass stain out of his face without pretreating and soaking!
I didn’t know Mr. Fantastic played soccer!