Dragon Laffs #1189


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“Opinions are like assholes”, we used to say, “everyone has one and most of them stink.” Or the other one, “Opinions are like armpits, everyone has one and not a one of them would be hurt by a little deodorant.”  And the old gruff Sargent would say, “When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you!”
Lethal made some very good points yesterday in his last word, and I want to repeat a couple of them here.  This blog, e-zine, newsletter, posting … whatever you want to call it, is an opinion.  It is our opinion.  With the basic understanding of trying to make people laugh, we also try to make them think, and that’s a difficult thing to do to some people and you end up pissing them off.  But, getting an emotion out of someone, any emotion, is what a writer is trying to do to his audience.  That’s why a writer, writes.  At least, that’s why THIS writer, writes.  I want to elicit an emotion out of you.  Most of the time I shoot for the humorous angle.  Sometimes it’s just to make you go hmmm…but sometimes, I will admit this, it’s to piss you off.  Anger is an emotion, isn’t it?  Anger makes people act and react.  And sometimes….like now, for instance… action and reaction is what this country needs.
In my opinion.
And most of you must either agree with my opinion or disagree enough to want to stick around to get mad.
Maybe some of you read the funny stuff and pass over the rest…
You know, that’s okay too.  Because I’m here to express my opinion to you.  If you like what you read, you read more, pass it on to your friends, and our base of readership continues to grow.  If you don’t like what you read, well, everyone should know by now where the delete key is

But, if you have a desire to express your opinions back, that is FANTASTIC.  We LOVE to read your opinions, especially if they are different then ours and are expressed eloquently.  We may even feature them in one of our issues and get a discussion going.  But, we won’t tolerate name calling and being vulgar for the sake of being vulgar.  Calling me a jerk or an S.O.B. may make you feel better and may, in the first instance be quite true and in the second, casting aspersions on my mother that are undeserved.  But, those types of comments will be deleted when they are seen and you won’t get a chance to express your point.  I’m not saying that any opinion you send in with vulgarities in it will be deleted, not at all.  But the ones that are nothing but name calling will be. 

The best way to get a letter, submission, joke or what have you, to us is by sending it to dragonlaffs-owner@yahoogroups.com. This will send an email to both of us.  Adding your quick opinion to the comments section of the blog is good for just that: a quick comment directed toward the blog.  If you never have commented before, your first comment will have to be approved by either myself or Lethal, but once approved, you write it, and it goes right in….except, like I said, if we see B.S. in the comments, we will delete it.

And yes, we can do that …. cause it’s our blog …

Now, enough of that, it’s time to laugh!

 

Only in North Dakota!
This is I-29 right now between Argusville and Harwood. . . snow plows are cleaning off the dirt & debris from the flood waters & fields.  Fingers crossed, roads will open this weekend!

Not sure if they got open or not, but this sure is a cool picture!
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Consistency pays off. Just ask Randall and Kim of Gas City, who have played the same lottery numbers each week for more than 15 years.

“We were living paycheck to paycheck,” Kim said. “It’s nice to be debt free.”

Randall said the pair spends about $40 a week on scratch-off tickets and Powerball numbers

 
 
Let’s see… You spend $40 a week playing the lottery. You play for 15 or more years before you win $50,000.  It only cost youy$32,100. If they had paid that on their bills, they would have already been debt free.   DUH!!

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The woman calls the town psychiatrist and cries, “Doctor, you’ve got to come as soon as possible. My husband is in really bad shape!”

The shrink rushes over.

The worried wife says, “Thank God you are here, doctor. Just go down the hall. He’s in the last room on the right.”

The shrink goes in the room and sees the woman’s husband sitting on the edge of the bathtub, dangling a fish line in the toilet.

He goes back to the wife and says, “Yes, this is very serious. But why didn’t you call me sooner?”

“Who had time?” the wife asks. “I’ve been cleaning fish all week.”

Hey!  I finally found a throne suitable for Lethal:
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The medical account manager noticed that nearly every bill from one pediatrician’s office included the line item, “behavior modification reinforcers.”
Fearing that the doctor was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the pediatrician’s office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?”
“Lollipops,” was the nurse’s reply.  “Assorted flavors.  Would you like to try one?”
— Ross Bowen

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The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.

The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, “Know what this is for?”

“No, sir,” replies the newbie.

“I use it on navigators that get us lost,” explains the captain, winking at his first officer.

The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on his chart table.

“What’s THAT for?” queries the surprised captain.

“Well, sir,” replies the navigator, “I’ll know we’re lost before you will.”

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The successful banker parked his brand-new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver’s door.
The banker immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn’t more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the banker started screaming hysterically. His car, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the banker finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

“I can’t believe how materialistic you bankers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the banker arrogantly.

The cop replied, “Didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“Fuck!” screamed the banker. “Where’s my Rolex?”

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The current financial crisis explained in a single picture:
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This financial crisis is forcing state and local agencies to make some tough decisions.

If things continue for much longer, there’s a real risk that we may have to lay off Jose.

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Take one minute….just one click, every day, helps more than you can imagine!

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Whoever wrote this is bloody brilliant!  It was sent in by our good buddy Mike Richards, and Mike, if you wrote this, “good on ya!” if not, still thanks for sending it in!

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn’t any difference; it’s all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I’d like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It’s my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You’ve got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: I’ll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn’t mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don’t have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I’ll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can’t do that. If you buy paint and don’t use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don’t, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don’t keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, “Paint on sale from $10 a liter” signs?

Clerk: Well that’s for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I’ll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don’t think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won’t be able to paint your connecting hall
and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That’s if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you’ll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we’ll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you’re getting it now, sir.

Customer: You’re insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United

I truly detest flying commercial.  On my last trip to Virginia, the best flying time, took just as long to fly, as it did to drive once you figured in having to arrive early, lay-overs (there were NO direct flights) and driving time to and from the airport.  They have made it CRAZY to fly.  Then you have just enough room to not quite restrict your breathing on the plane….gee, let’s see….pay more, take as much time, squish myself into a tiny, hot seat for several hours, wait around in airports where everything is super expensive and your movements are restricted … or … drive (or ride in the passenger seat) with plenty of leg room and arm room.  A MUCH more comfortable seat, having scenery to look at, pay less, the ability to stop, pull over, stretch our legs, use a rest room that’s not barely bigger than I am and bouncing around all the time….. and spend almost exactly the same amount of time……hmmm, it’s a tough choice!!!!!
Now, if you gotta fly, I’ll tell you the best way to fly.  Get the military to set up the trip, get enough people to go to justify the use of a military aircraft, and fly military!  No screwing around.  You show up at the base, climb on the plane, take off, get to your destination and land, get off the plane and go back to work.  In the amount of time it took to fly to VA on a commercial airliner, figuring time to search the passengers and lay overs, in that same amount of time, we flew military all the way to friggin’ Hawaii!!!  And to top it all off, we got to spread out sleeping bags on the deck and sleep most of the way!
Man, I love flying MilAir!

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The top of the line future of homing pigeons!  Awesomeness incarnate!

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And in the category of “Man, I hate it when that happens” comes this great submission from K²

I was just looking at my house on Google Streetview and I saw my wife through the
window in the front room, shagging the postman.

It was only after I’d bludgeoned her to death that I realized that the image was two years old….

When I used to be a postman.
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Groaner Zack
After a short electronic sabbatical….. he’s back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You’ve been warned!

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent?
The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit forming.

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Truer words were never spoken.  Not sure if they are attributed properly, but I don’t really care.  It’s the words that are important in this case, not who wrote them:

Everyone is a Genius. But if you judge a fish on it’s ability to climb a tree, it will go through life thinking it is stupid. Albert Einstein

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Oh dear lawd!  Zack, I think Stephanie is giving you a run for your money, buddy!

A group of dwarfs and midgets holding their annual convention realized that they were truly living in a world designed for larger people. The furniture, beds, cabinets and fixtures were either too large or too tall for their comfort. They resolved that this would never happen again at one of their conventions.
They ran a lottery, conducted raffles, and raised enough money to build their own resort for future meetings, a resort designed for smaller than average people. They did acquiesce in making some of the rooms normal sized in order to attract as many people possible to the vacation resort. However, the special rooms were made with smaller accommodations. Rooms, fixtures, furniture… everything was made smaller for the smaller guests.
Furthermore, they had resolved that all dwarfs could stay there without paying anything. They called these rooms stay-free mini pads.

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Not mine….but not bad, well worth reading.  Before you go to the link, just be aware that this guy likes to use really rough language.


 
Written by Jared H. McAndersen   
Monday, 14 March 2011 09:00
 
I didn’t say it, Bob did…

Get more rants like this one at Drinking With Bob

It’s amazing how obvious it is that we need to become energy independent. We are choosing to be slaves to some of the worst psychopaths in the world because we refuse to create our own energy.

If there was ever a chance of reviving nuclear power as a form of energy in this country the earthquake in Japan shot that to hell. Meanwhile, the middle east is about to go nuclear and we have a president with his thumb up his plugged hole because he’s too afraid that he will blow another one into the ocean a la BP.

Not to say that we should be risky, but one accident shouldn’t amount to economic and geo-political suicide for what is supposed to be the most powerful country in the world. If nothing else Obama should support drilling so he doesn’t put his ability to have enough fuel for his Air Force 1 trips to the grocery store at risk.

And God forbid his wife conserve fuel for us all by roughing it in first class when she goes on vacation.

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Motivational A modest Proposal

Motivational Advertising

Motivational Air Bags


Spurious Logic, but fun just the same:

Just imagine…

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.  It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American!

 

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The Last Word is where we take the time to spread a little of the good word…as we see it…and sometimes we find someone else who has said it “real good” and like to share.  Here then is a posting that was sent to me by our good friend Jeannie, of something that is going on in the Seattle PD…

The Seattle Police Officers’ Guild has a newspaper that generally doesn’t get a lot of attention. A paper copy of it is distributed to about 1,250 SPD officers, but it’s not online. A copy of the December newsletter is getting press attention because of one officer’s essay, “Just Shut Up and Be a Good Little Socialist” which rails against the Seattle’s anti-bias training.
An officer, whom I will not name, let me borrow his copy of The Guardian.Since Officer Steve Pomper’s article will likely get attention from our talk show hosts, I transcribed exactly what Pomper wrote:

Just Shut Up and Be a Good Little Socialist
by Officer Steve Pomper, East Precinct

The city, using its Race and Social Justice Initiative (RSJI), continues its assault on traditional and constitutional American values such as self-reliance, equal justice, and individual liberty. But more to our immediate concern, the city is inflicting its socialist policies directly on the Seattle Police Department.
I once wrote, elections have consequences. This is true, and Seattle voters will get what they deserve. However, the city has extended its leftist political agenda to the police department, which should remain as apolitical as possible. The police department is not a laboratory and its cops are not guinea pigs.
Social justice is a socialist scheme that judges people not as individuals, but by their race, ethnicity, and socioeconomic status. Again, please research it yourself. The groups touting social justice all tend toward the political left, including socialist and communist groups.
Remember when communism and socialism used to be considered bad in America? You know, for little things like slaughtering a hundred million people during the 20th Century? Even in its least aggressive forms, socialism is responsible for wrecking economies, restricting liberty, and stifling human innovation and achievement worldwide.
I’m not conflating Seattle’s quaint socialist cabal with the brutal tyrants of the last century. However, any student of history knows totalitarianism begins with small bites. In 21st Century America, political repression comes in the form of what Europeans call Fabian or Democratic Socialism, which we Americans know as progressivism.
By this method, if we aren’t careful, we will literally vote ourselves into tyranny. Some think we came pretty damn close to it in 2008: Thank God for the November slap down ordinary Americans gave their overreaching government.
Socialist oppression may start with the “best” of intentions by people who feel they have the right to run other peoples’ lives. And while they may not intend oppression, this is to where socialism always – always – leads, to one degree or another.
In cities it begins like this: Mayors present social justice policies to city departments. Department heads carry out the policies without much dissention, not wanting to jeopardize their jobs. Before they know it, they’re complicit in implementing socialism. …Lives, fortunes, and sacred honor… what a charming, archaic notion.
These initial policies always seem benign. The city compels its employees to participate in RSJI classes, and they conduct ostensibly, innocuous surveys advancing an unquestionably leftist political agenda. They attempt to make us feel comfortable with socialist and progressive terminology through repetition and saturation. The Race and Social Justice Initiative, SPD Race and Social Justice Change Team, and Race and Social Justice Survey. I’m waiting for the Race and Social Justice Torchlight Parade and Race and Social Justice 10K Race for Social Justice. On and on it goes until, they hope, the term no longer riles us.
Most of us refuse to believe “real” socialism will ever take hold in Seattle-in America. We know city leaders aren’t going to change our minds. We’ll always be patriotic, antisocialist, Americans. Really? Well, at what point do we say, “Hell no!” to the indoctrination? In its early, weaker stages, or later when, the infection has spread and the disease is harder to cure?
Perhaps there should be no participation at all in anything involving Social Justice? At what point does our commitment to American liberty and opposition to socialism compel us to disengage from something we find so abhorrent to our nature? I don’t know the precise answer to this, but don’t we need to at least think about it?
Anyone think that back in 1776, Thomas Jefferson, Sam Adams, or Ben Franklin would have participated in a King’s Royal Justice Initiative (KRJI?)? Complete a survey for ol’ King George III? America was exceptional then, and we must remain exceptional now. And what makes America exceptional is our commitment to equal justice and individual liberty, not social justice and emulating Europe’s failures.
I’ve given some thought to my own RSJI participation to date. The “Perspectives in Profiling” class (or as one officer put it, one of our “de-policing classes”) served as a good way to learn what the enemy is up to (Yes, enemy. A liberal after my money in taxes maybe my opponent, but a socialist attacking the Constitution and my liberty is my enemy).
The RSJI survey was an opportunity to let the city know exactly how I feel about its institutional racial profiling policy. It was another opportunity to give them my opinions on the city practicing arbitrary justice over equal justice. To let them know that I’m not okay with blatantly violating the 14th Amendment.
What happens the next time they order us to take the survey or to otherwise actively participate in promoting RSJI? Many of us have already let them know what we think about their socialist policies. (I would pay handsomely to be in the room when they read some officer’s surveys). The next time would simply mark our participation in the RSJI effort as a whole, regardless of how we answer. Would we be surrendering to their attempts to indoctrinate SPD in social justice culture? Perhaps, if some new policy doesn’t force it sooner, that’ll mark the line drawn in the sand.
Speaking of the survey, our precinct command staff recently carried out an order forcing all SPD employees, sworn and civilian, to complete a six page hardcopy of the RSJI Survey. Seems we were less than enthusiastic about voluntarily completing the paperless online survey. Imagine that. Compliance didn’t work, so the city resorted to compulsion, How delightfully socialist of them. There is also an ancillary issue, which is truly ironic: Regarding Seattle’s supposed “green” commitment to going paperless. Since all city departments are supposed to participate in the RSJI survey, and the city employs thousands, with about 2,000 in the SPD alone, I have to wonder how much paper the city wasted to print out this worthless survey?
I’ll leave you with this refresher: employing the RSJI, the City of Seattle is actually deciding on which people do or do not “merit punishment” for a crime, based upon their race, ethnic heritage, and/or socio-economic status. So far this only applies to DWLS3, but one has to ask, what’s next? They’re also deciding purchases and the issuing of city contracts based upon similar criteria. This is social justice, folks, and socialism has no place in Seattle, and positively no place in the Seattle Police Department.

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