Leprechaun Laffs # 47


DL header # 4

Yeah I know its not my normal header, that’s suddenly evaporated from my files so please don’t hammer the issue. I’ll have to yank it out the back up off my server when I get a minute. It’s about par for the way this week has been going. It’s just one of multiple reasons I am late with the issue today.

WizofId TGIF

Thank goodness indeed! I don’t know if I could take another day to this week the way its been going without serious ugliness ensuing. Aside from it being one minor thing after another here at Firebase Leprechaun, Tuesday Obama announces he’d like another four years to continue making us the laughing stock of the world while totally destroying our financial infrastructure. It seems the swap to Socialism isn’t progressing as rapidly as he’d have liked!

As if THAT was not bad enough UCONN Women lost Sunday to Notre Dame, a problem for me personally with brackets, pools and allegiances but not a total disaster. The Notre Dame went and lost to a Cinderella team in the form of Texas A&M! Molly and her family (practically 90% A&M alum I swear) have not let a day go by without reminding me of this!

Now on top of all that there is this bullshit out of Washington DC about shutting down the government because both sides want to use the budget to play the political equivalent of a game of chicken over issues that have NOTHING to do with the budget and everything to do with partisanship. More on this in my Last Word which is another reason I am so late with this issue today but only after we do some therapeutic laughing first.

!cid_X_MA2_1301701862@aol

The following was sent to us by one of our loyal female readers who wishes to remain anonymous for understandable reasons and shall do so for as long as Impish and I receive our weekly payments!

IMPORTANT MESSAGE!

You’ve no doubt heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else’s thighs.  It was just that quick.  The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal.  Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?
I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.  Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. 

And then the thieves struck again……
My butt was next.  I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.  But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original!  I realized I’d have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched.  One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.  This was really getting scary – my body was being replaced one section at a time.  What could they do to Me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story.  Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee!  Those ‘plastic’ surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts – stolen from you and Me! 

The next time someone you know has something ‘lifted’, Look again – was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX!

This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!



P. S.  Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs.  I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.  Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

I thought this was too ‘important’ not to pass on.  Have a wonderful day – with a joy filled heart.

P. P. S.  Those same thieves just came into my closet and shrank my clothes! 
How do they do that????

Motorcycling: Put the spark back in your relationship

      …..Brings new definition to the term “Hauln’ Ass” that’s for certain!

Hauling Ass

 

banging head

A Blonde goes over to her friend’s house wearing a TGIF tee-shirt.

‘Why are you wearing a Thank God It’s Friday tee-shirt on Monday?’

‘Oh crap!’ the blonde says. ‘I didn’t know I thought it meant Tits Go In Front.’

 

A young aide from DL’s legal department  was leaving the office at 5:45  p.m. when he found CDIR Impish  standing in front of a shredder with a
piece of  paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said Impish, “this is a very sensitive and  important document, and my sexatary is not here. Can you make this thing  work?”
“Certainly,” said the young aide. He turned on the machine,  inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent,  excellent!” said the Dragon as his paper disappeared inside
the machine, “I just  need one copy so I can get it back on Lethal’s desk before he knows I lost mine borrowed his.”

Lesson: Never, never, ever assume that your boss knows  what he’s doing.

Especially when your boss is a Dragon!

 

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the athletic kind made from cloth that doesn’t come off easily — if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, ‘Get well soon . from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.’

Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn’t it? I’ll bet it did his!

Older - Funnier

getting old 1

getting old 2

getting old 3

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said “Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, “If you ask me, I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly”.

when does it feel good

 

Groaner Alert

A guy was down on Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a
seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, “Big
Lobster Tales, $5 each.
” Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, “$5 each for
lobster tails … . . . is that correct?” “Yes”, she said, “It’s
our special just for today.” “Well”, he said, “they must be little
lobster tails.” “No,” she replied, “It’s the really big lobster.”
Are you sure they aren’t green lobster tails – and a little bit
tough?” “No”, she said, “it’s the really big red lobster.” “Big red
lobster tails, $5 each?”, he said, amazed. “They must be old
lobster tails!” “No, they’re definitely today’s.” “Today’s big red
lobster tails – $5 each?”, he repeated, astounded. “Yes”, she
insisted.
“Well, here’s my five dollars,” he said, “I’ll take one.
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to
sit down.
She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned
over close to him and said, “Once upon a time there was a really big
red lobster …”

april_fools_kitty_lg

 

DL - LastWord 2

Buckle them seat belts kiddies and return those tray tables and flight attendants to their previous upright positions! The Ol’ Leprechaun is on a bit of a tear and it’s likely ta get a wee bumpy! Those among you who are Obama devotees, Democrats or thin skinned riders of the Liberal Short Bus incapable of coping with criticism of your attempts to turn this into a socialist nightmare please hit the little window closure ‘x’ right now please ‘cause you’re NOT going to be happy with my remarks even though they are about as non partisan as you can get.

DL bullshit scroll Congress

Specifics:

1.) Said cited parties did engage in a game of ‘political partisan chicken’ utilizing the issue of     the federal budget as their vehicle for reasons other than those of the legitimate interests of the general populace who elected them and who’s best interests they are sworn to serve. Said shanagains potentially have an extreme negative impact of the lives of millions of federal employees and others.

2.) Despite this potentially catastrophic side effect of their game of chicken the afore cited Personae Majorca of the farcical drama flatly refuse to find common ground for a Continuing Resolution to avoid inflicting this calamity on the populace.

3.) With a casual indifference bordering on the criminally negligent all involved parties have high jacked the budgetary process to settle their internal Congressional power struggle like a couple of Somali Warlords with wanton disregard for the collateral damage they are inflicting on their own people.

4.) Our troops in action now in addition to having to worry about their own immediate safety, the safety of the other members of their team/squad, watching out for insurgents pretending to be friendlies and roadside IDEs are now forced to also seriously worry about their families and loved ones back home. Communications from home sparse and rare as they are will no longer be times of joy but likely sorrowful and painful as the left behind spouse relates the sad state of family affairs due sole in cause to those cited in this award. THIS IS A SHAMEFUL, UNCONSCIONABLE AND INTOLERABLE STATE OF AFFAIRS AND A SLAP IN THE FACE TO OUR SERVICE MEN AND WOMEN!

5.) President Obama  has canceled a trip to speak in energy in Indiana, but predictable not as yet another in a long line of his incessant family vacations. Strange we cannot pay the families of our service men & women most of whom live literally from paycheck to paycheck but we can find the funds for the extra costs associated with his weekend vacation getaway! What dies this say about Obama’s connection the the real people of the US or his respect for the military and their families?

6.) President Obama “the Unobtrusive” has according to reports sat in on most of the latest rounds of meetings between both sides. However he appears to have epically failed to exert any discernable decisive leadership in this issue. Instead of taking the stance; “You have fundamental issues that you are still working towards resolution of fine I can live with that. What I cannot live with is the total shutting down of the government over this. I want a Continuing Resolution funding Governmental Operations thru the end of the month on my desk not later than noon Friday. If Bush did not have to suffer shutting down of the government with all the faults we have laid at his feet by Allah I will not either” He simply has caved to those in his party power structure WHO ARE BENEATH HIM in the Democratic Political Hierarchy saying its all the Democrats way or nothing. The primary reason for this is because the ONLY set of balls of any appreciable size in the White House belong to Hillary Clinton when she is there! Leader of the Free world?! Shit, he can’t even lead his own freaking party to moderate fiscal responsibility or to a successfully negotiated budget!

7,) Just to be clear I hold the Republican Party equally in contempt and just as responsible for what is happening as well as the potential consequences. Any idiot knows that the abortion issue in any form is instant death to any bill to which it is attached. It is the Congressional equivalent of the Hatfields and McCoys feud. Republican are attempting to wrap the issue around the “we beat you in midterm elections and have the backing of the people behind us” stick they have been bashing the Democrats with since January and they have to let it go and move on. Serious the stick is broken and if you are not wise enough to drop it you will find it sooner or later the Dems will take it away from you and lodge it someplace REALLY uncomfortable for you.

8.) Democrats and Republican refusing to compromise just enough to obtain a Continuing Resolution is not going to work in either of your favors . Come the next election those whom your political posturing and grandstanding hurt are NOT likely to forget and forgive. Sure post election there may well still be a Democrat or Republican in your seat, but it probably won’t be you. Obama, you want a PRAYER of winning the next election and getting 4 more years to try and turn us into a Socialist Muslim Love Liberal Paradise? You’d better grab the reigns of this runaway stagecoach and start sawing hard on the bits of the Congressional nags in the traces then bloody fast and don’t spare the whip!

DL - Lethal Lep Sig

DL Closing Credits

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About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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