Dragon Laffs #1185


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Good Morning Campers!

Well, they did it.  They passed a budget…or…at least they say they will.  The government won’t be shut down.  Now, all those civil servants who spent millions of hours getting their work areas prepped for a possible shut down, can spend a million more man hours putting everything back to rights.  And probably working overtime this weekend to do it.

Sigh.

Okay, so maybe I’ll rant some more in my last word today…

Now, let’s Laugh!

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A man arrives at the theatre to see the latest production only to learn that it is completely sold out. He finds an usher and pleads with him, “You must help me, I am a HUGE theatre fan. I’ve been to every opening night performance at this theatre for twenty years. I can’t bear to miss this play, is there any possible way you can find me a seat?”
The usher says he’ll see what he can do.
A few minutes later the usher returns and tells the man he has found him a vacant seat. He leads him inside the theatre to be seated.
A few moments later the man is waving for the usher again. He whispers to the usher, “This play is a mystery, and I LOVE mysteries. But I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”
The usher manages once again to find the man a seat, this time in the second row. As he seats him, the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”


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DragonPapa1 (110)

My daughter just walked into the living room and said “Dad cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewelry to the charity shop. Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house”.

Well she didn’t actually put it like that… She said… “Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed.”


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Texas has come up with a list akin to the Rosetta stone for translating conversations with liberals


 

Texas Translations of California Euphemisms.

CALIFORNIA

TEXAS

Arsenal of Weapons

Gun Collection

Delicate Wetlands

Swamp

Undocumented Worker

Illegal Alien

Cruelty-Free Materials

Synthetic Fiber

Assault and Battery

Attitude Adjustment

Heavily Armed

Well-protected

Narrow-minded

Righteous

Taxes or Your Fair Share

Coerced Theft

Commonsense Gun Control

Gun Confiscation Plot

Illegal Hazardous Explosives

Fireworks or Stump Removal

Nonviable Tissue Mass

Unborn Baby

Equal Access to Opportunity

Socialism

Multicultural Community

High Crime Area

Fairness or Social Progress

Marxism

Upper Class or “The Rich “

Self-Employed

Progressive, Change

Big Government Scheme

Homeless or Disadvantaged

Bums or Welfare Leeches

Sniper Rifle

Scoped Deer Rifle

Investment For the Future

Higher Taxes

Healthcare Reform

Socialized Medicine

Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater

Conservative

Truants

Homeschoolers

Victim or Oppressed

Criminal or Lazy Good-For-Nothing

High Capacity Magazine

Standard Capacity Magazine

Religious Zealot

Church-going

Reintroduced Wolves

Sheep and Elk Killers

Fair Trade Coffee

Overpriced Yuppie Coffee

Exploiters or “The Rich “

Employed or Land Owner

The Gun Lobby

NRA Members

Assault Weapon

Semi-Auto (Grandpa’s M1 Carbine)

Fiscal Stimulus

New Taxes and Higher Taxes

Same Sex Marriage

Legalized Perversion

Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting

  Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs

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NEW YORK, February 1 –
The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish
English – now dubbed Hebonics – as a second language. Backers of
the move say the city’s School District is the first in the state
to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant
attribute of New York culture.

According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York
University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure
of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language
patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Prof. Schollman explains, “In Hebonics, the response to any
question is usually another question plus a complaint that is
implied or stated.

Thus:
“How are you?” may be answered,
“How should I be, with my feet?”

Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for
expressing sarcasm or skepticism.

An example is the repetition of a word with “sh” or “shm” at the
beginning:
“Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?”

Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to
the end, with its pronoun at the beginning:
“It’s beautiful, that dress.”

Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end
of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as:
“He’s slow as a turtle,” could be:
“Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks.”

Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook,
Switched-On-Hebonics.

Question: “What time is it?”
English answer: “Sorry, I don’t know.”
Hebonic answer: “What am I, a clock?”

Remark: “I hope things turn out okay.”
English response: “Thanks.”
Hebonic response: “I should BE so lucky!”

Remark: “Hurry up. Dinner’s ready.”
English response: “Be right there.”
Hebonic response: “Alright already, I’m coming. What’s with the
‘hurry’ business? Is there a fire?”

Remark: “I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time.”
English response: “Glad you like it.”
Hebonic response: “So what’s the matter; you don’t like the
other ties I gave you?

Remark: “Sarah and I are engaged.”
English response: “Congratulations!”
Hebonic response: “She could stand to gain a few pounds.”

Question: “Would you like to go riding with us?”
English answer: “Just say when.”
Hebonic answer: “Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?”

To guest of honor at his birthday party:
English remark: “Happy birthday.”
Hebonic remark: “A year smarter you should become.”

Remark: “A beautiful day.”
English response: “Sure is.”
Hebonic response: “So the sun is out; what else is new?”

Answering a phone call from son:
English remark: “It’s been a long time since you called.”
Hebonic remark: “You didn’t wonder if I’m dead yet?”

176

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the
commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,

“I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replies, “a Divorce Attorney.”

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Groan3

So, it was only a matter of time before Mike Richard got his name mentioned in the same sentence as “Groaner”.  The poor guy was suffering from …. dare I say it … “Groaner Envy”
So, sorry about this, but here it goes:

During a coup attempt by a number of rebellious nobles, King George I had a huge mahogany rack constructed to punish the leaders of the uprising.  His advisers transported the rack to the upcoming battle site, at a precipice overlooking the valley containing the enemy encampment, by renting forty pachyderms and hiring an African engineer with reputed expertise in harnessing the huge beasts for productive labor.
       Unfortunately, shortly after their arrival at the scene, the elephants stampeded, carrying the ramp with the African on it tumbling down the hill, rolling over the opposition and virtually destroying it.
       One of the survivors painfully cried out, “What in creation was that?”
       An anguished companion stammered, “I’m not sure, but it looked like a rambling rack from George’s attack and an elephant engineer.”

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468x60_bcs-oneclick4222
Take one minute….just one click, every day, helps more than you can imagine!

179

I hadn’t recorded a greeting yet on my new answering machine, so when my mother came to visit, I asked her to tape one.

“This is Marcia’s mother,” my machine announced. “Marcia is an only child; she never writes, she never calls. So why not give me a buzz? I’d be happy to talk to you. My number is…”

Everyone called my mother. She loved the attention.

180

Donate21222

181

Things to Remember During a War

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren’t sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

182

 

From our dear Legal friend Lucille…

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said,
“When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?”
The man answered, “Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.”

183

From our own Old Country Boy:

DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?
Three out of four college students expect to become
millionaires.

Should that tell us something about our expectations or perhaps about our entitlement generation going to school?  Who knows, I just offer these words as a way to start a discussion.

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Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of
her mathematic classes:
 
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his
wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to
charity. Now, what does each get?”
 
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. The
teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.
 
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, “A lawyer!”

184

TALKING “PENNSYLVANIAN”
The Strange Langwitch     

baby coach –noun. Chiefly Eastern Pennsylvania and   Chesapeake Bay . A baby carriage.

Lunch meat
–noun.  Called “cold cuts” elsewhere.


For those who think we Pennsylvanians ‘talk funny’ or use ‘big  words’, here’s why …
 

Once a Pennsylvanian, ALWAYS a Pennsylvanian!  

About Pennsylvanians: You’ve never referred
to   Philadelphia  as anything but ‘Philly’ and New Jersey has always been ‘ Jersey .’
            
 
We don’t go to the beach — we go ‘down
to
the shore.’

You refer to Pennsylvania as ‘PA’ (pronounced Pee-Ay).
How many other states do that??


‘You guys’ (or even ‘youze guys’, in some places) is a perfectly acceptable reference to a group of men and women. 

 
You know how to respond to the question ‘Djeetyet?’ (Did you eat yet?)

You know that the Iggles play football and so do the Stillers. 

You learned to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre , Schuylkill , the
Poconos, Tamaqua,
Kutztown, Tunkahannock, Bala Cynwyd, Kishacoquillas,  Duquesne and  Monongahela, also Conshohocken.

And we know Lancaster is pronounced Lank-ister,
not Lan-kaster.

You know what a ‘Mummer’ is, and are disappointed if you can’t catch at least highlights of the parade.  

At least five people on your block have electric ‘candles’ in all or most of their windows all year long. 

You know what a ‘State Store’ is, and your out-of-state friends find it incredulous that you can’t purchase liquor at the mini-mart. 

Words like ‘hoagie,’ ‘crick,’ ‘chipped ham,’ ‘dippy eggs’, ‘sticky buns,’ ‘shoo-fly pie,’ ‘lemon sponge pie’, ‘pierogies’ and ‘pocketbook’ actually mean something to you. (By the way, that last one’s PA slang for a purse!)  

You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know it comes in several colors. 

You know the difference between a cheese steak and a pizza steak sandwich, and you know that you also can’t get a really good one anywhere outside of the Philly area. (Except
maybe
in Atlantic City on the boardwalk.)

 

You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Paradise, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Mars, Bethlehem, Hershey, Indiana, Sinking Spring, Jersey Shore, State College, Washington Crossing, Jim Thorpe, Eighty-Four, King of Prussia, Wind  Gap, and Slippery Rock are all PA towns … and the first three were consecutive stops on the old Reading RR! (PS – That’s pronounced Redd-ing.) 


You can identify drivers from New York , New Jersey , Maryland or other neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits.
 

A traffic jam in Lancaster County is 10 cars waiting to pass a horse-drawn carriage on the highway. (And remember … that’s Lank-ister!) 

You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

 

Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

As a kid you built snow forts and leaf piles that were taller than you were.


You know beer doesn’t grow in a garden, but you know where to find a beer garden. 
 
You actually understand all this and send it out to other Pennsylvanians
or former Pennsylvanians. It’s scary, isn’t it!

YEAH!  THAT’S GOOD OL’ ‘P-A’ AND WE LOVE  IT!

And send it to people that never lived in P-A and confuse them, because nice matters.

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Motivational Astrology

Motivational Babysittin

Motivational Bacon Sandwich

Let’s leave today off with a question and a link….

http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/what-if-cannabis-cured-cancer/ 

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