Leprechaun Lauff # 43


DL - Leprechaun Laffs

Morning Campers!

One last long day until we can smell the weekend it will be so close.

I am happy to report Impish returned home safe and sound last evening to his family. I expect you may well hear form him either today or tomorrow once he gets back up to speed.

Ok enough chit-chat lets move on to what we’re all really here for….

Let’s Laugh Until It Hurts!

av-316636

50TH ANNIVERSARY STORY

A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids,  all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father. “The important thing is that we’re all together today.”

Son number two arrived and announced, “You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.”

“It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello and happy anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they had finished dessert, the father said,

“There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we each worked two jobs  and were able to send each of you to college.
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?”

“Yep,” said the father. “And cheap ones too..!”

YouBetYourSweetGas1

This Brings the Whole “The Talk” Thing To An Hysterical Level

Makes me SO glad I don’t have kids!

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Houston, Texas and they see a sign on a store which reads, “Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. ”

Bubba says to his bud, “Billy Bob, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take ’em back home, sell ’em to our family and friends and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin’ ’cause if they hear your accent, they might think we’re ignorant and won’t wanna sell that stuff to us. I’ll talk with a New York accent and they won’t know we’re from Arkansas.

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake New York accent, “I’ll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll back up my pickup and…”

The owner of the shop interrupts, “Ya’ll from Arkansas, ain’t ya?”

“Well…yeah,” says a surprised Bubba….”How come you knowed that?”

“Because this is a dry cleaners”

DL Sign of the Times

Sign of the times

Mohammed’s First Day of  School

Mohammed entered his classroom on  the first day of school.
“What’s your name?” asked the teacher.
“Mohammed,” he replied.
“You’re in  America now,” replied the  teacher,
“So from now on you will be known as Kevin.”
Mohammed  returned home after school.
“How was your day, Mohammed?” his mother  asked.
“My name is not Mohammed.  I’m in  America and now my name is Kevin.”
“Are you ashamed of your name?  Are you trying  to dishonor your parents,
your heritage, your  religion? Shame on you!”
And his mother  beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The  next day Mohammed returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.
“What happened to you, Kevin?” she asked.
“Well ma’am, shortly after becoming an American, I was attacked by two Arabs!”

Report Someone Died in here

That actually happens to Impish ALL the time!

Inner  Peace:

If  you can start the day without caffeine,
If you  can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If  you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If  you can eat plain food every day and be grateful for it,
If  you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If  you can conquer tension without  medical help,
If you can relax without  liquor,
If  you can sleep without the aid of  drugs,

…Then  You Are  Probably The  Family Dog!

!cid_part3_01090107_06070903@verizon

And  you thought I was going to get all spiritual didn’t you..?

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch.  He figures he’ll have a little fun.

Cowboy:  “Hey, cool dog.  Mind if I speak to him?”

Indian:  “Dog no talk.”

Cowboy:  “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin’ alright.”

Indian:  <extreme look of shock>

Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” <pointing at Indian>

Dog:  “Yep”

Cowboy:  “How does he treat you?”

Dog:  “Real good.  He walks me twice a day, feeds

me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Indian:  <look of disbelief>

Cowboy:  “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Indian:  “Horse no talk.”

Cowboy:  “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse:   “Cool.”   Indian:  <extreme look of shock>

Cowboy:  “Is this your owner? “<pointing at Indian>

Horse:   “Yep”

Cowboy:  “How’s he treat you?”

Horse:   “Pretty good, thanks for asking.  He

rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and

keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Indian:  <total look of amazement>

Cowboy:  “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Indian:  “Sheep Lie.”

Missing Penis

 

DL - LastWord 2

It’s All About the Green Thing

By Jim Knowles

In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that plastic
bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized to her
and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.”

That’s right, they didn’t have the green thing in her day. Back then,
they returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the
store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and
sterilized and refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they
really were recycled. But they didn’t have the green thing back in her
day.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an
escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery
store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time
they had to go two blocks. But she’s right. They didn’t have the green
thing in her day.

Back then, they washed the baby’s diapers because they didn’t have the
throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy
gobbling machine burning up 220 volts – wind and solar power really did
dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or
sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right,
they didn’t have the green thing back in her day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every
room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza dish, not a
screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended
and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do
everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the
mail, they used wadded up newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or
plastic bubble wrap. But they didn’t have the green thing back then.

Back then, they didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut
the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They
exercised by working so they didn’t need to go to a health club to run
on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she’s right, they didn’t
have the green thing back then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a
cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They
refilled pens with ink, instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced
the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor
just because the blade got dull. But they didn’t have the green thing
back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar and kids rode their bikes to
school or rode the school bus, instead of turning their moms into a
24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an
entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn’t
need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites
2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But that old lady is right. They didn’t have the green thing back in
her day.

DL Closing Credits

About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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