One last long day until we can smell the weekend it will be so close.
I am happy to report Impish returned home safe and sound last evening to his family. I expect you may well hear form him either today or tomorrow once he gets back up to speed.
Ok enough chit-chat lets move on to what we’re all really here for….
Let’s Laugh Until It Hurts!
50TH ANNIVERSARY STORY
A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”
“Not to worry,” said the father. “The important thing is that we’re all together today.”
Son number two arrived and announced, “You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.”
“It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.”
Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello and happy anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”
After they had finished dessert, the father said,
“There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we each worked two jobs and were able to send each of you to college.
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”
The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?”
“Yep,” said the father. “And cheap ones too..!”
This Brings the Whole “The Talk” Thing To An Hysterical Level
Makes me SO glad I don’t have kids!
Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Houston, Texas and they see a sign on a store which reads, “Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. ”
Bubba says to his bud, “Billy Bob, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take ’em back home, sell ’em to our family and friends and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin’ ’cause if they hear your accent, they might think we’re ignorant and won’t wanna sell that stuff to us. I’ll talk with a New York accent and they won’t know we’re from Arkansas.
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake New York accent, “I’ll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll back up my pickup and…”
The owner of the shop interrupts, “Ya’ll from Arkansas, ain’t ya?”
“Well…yeah,” says a surprised Bubba….”How come you knowed that?”
“Because this is a dry cleaners”
Mohammed’s First Day of School
Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.
“What’s your name?” asked the teacher.
“Mohammed,” he replied.
“You’re in America now,” replied the teacher,
“So from now on you will be known as Kevin.”
Mohammed returned home after school.
“How was your day, Mohammed?” his mother asked.
“My name is not Mohammed. I’m in America and now my name is Kevin.”
“Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents,
your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!”
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.
“What happened to you, Kevin?” she asked.
“Well ma’am, shortly after becoming an American, I was attacked by two Arabs!”
That actually happens to Impish ALL the time!
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat plain food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
…Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
And you thought I was going to get all spiritual didn’t you..?
A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he’ll have a little fun.
Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”
Indian: “Dog no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “Doin’ alright.”
Indian: <extreme look of shock>
Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” <pointing at Indian>
Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds
me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Indian: <look of disbelief>
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Indian: “Horse no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool.” Indian: <extreme look of shock>
Cowboy: “Is this your owner? “<pointing at Indian>
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He
rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and
keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Indian: <total look of amazement>
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Indian: “Sheep Lie.”
It’s All About the Green Thing
By Jim Knowles
In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that plastic
bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized to her
and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.”
That’s right, they didn’t have the green thing in her day. Back then,
they returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the
store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and
sterilized and refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they
really were recycled. But they didn’t have the green thing back in her
In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an
escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery
store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time
they had to go two blocks. But she’s right. They didn’t have the green
thing in her day.
Back then, they washed the baby’s diapers because they didn’t have the
throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy
gobbling machine burning up 220 volts – wind and solar power really did
dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or
sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right,
they didn’t have the green thing back in her day.
Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every
room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza dish, not a
screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended
and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do
everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the
mail, they used wadded up newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or
plastic bubble wrap. But they didn’t have the green thing back then.
Back then, they didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut
the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They
exercised by working so they didn’t need to go to a health club to run
on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she’s right, they didn’t
have the green thing back then.
They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a
cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They
refilled pens with ink, instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced
the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor
just because the blade got dull. But they didn’t have the green thing
Back then, people took the streetcar and kids rode their bikes to
school or rode the school bus, instead of turning their moms into a
24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an
entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn’t
need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites
2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But that old lady is right. They didn’t have the green thing back in