Dragon Laffs #1174


8c39888dd798Adult Content
Tresspasser2Good Morning Campers! Welcome to another wonderful day at Dragon Laff Studios.  Seems as though Lethal had the “Take Out The Trash Day” yesterday… What?  Oh yeah, right… sorry… seems that Lethal had “Hump Day Humor” yesterday and the last thing he promised was that he was going to drink coffee and annoy a certain dragon.  Well, I don’t know how successful he was at the coffee part, but I will tell you that he was highly successful in his mission to annoy said dragon.  You know with St. Patrick’s Day right around the corner, we’re going to have to do something really “special” for our resident Leprechaun.  Now….what might that be… 

 

 

Late breaking news!!!!

This Just In!!!
We here at Dragon Laffs have just come in possession of a photograph that could, quite literally, rock the entire nation. Here’s a copy of the letter we received with it.  We’ve endevored to remove any incriminating information about the sender or his/her political views….

Highly confidential, you are the only one I can trust with this information. Our nation depends on our keeping this on the QT.

This was sent to me by a friend in the surveillance field. I am sharing it with friends and family on a need to know basis.

I cannot vouch for its validity.

But if true, it could very well rock the foundation of this country.

The photo is a video capture from a security camera located in the North Corridor that leads to the Senate floor in the US Capitol Building .

This is classified material, so do not ask how or where I got it.

If you do, you could come up missing.

 
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Please DO NOT FORWARD this to just anyone. Don’t even think about it!! 

The repercussions could shake things up more than you can imagine.
A highly respected politician’s head is on the line here!

 
After long debate (about 5 minutes over coffee and cigars this morning) it was decided, like WikiLeaks, we had a responsibility to share the truth, no matter the cost.  But, don’t worry, we promised not to release Mike Richard’s name.  For his own protection. Wha.(What?  Oh darn.  Right.  Sorry Mike! I fixed it.)
Okay, so…. on with the show!
 
 
 
Let’s Laugh!
 
 
 
 

Finally, at long last…

we have photographic

proof that

Spring is just around the

corner!

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by Paul Demko
The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.

“I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks.”
“My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch.”
“I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt.”
“My last period looked like meat.”
“My balls feel soft and mushy.”
“I be messin’ with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don’t tell you they got something unless they mad at you.”
“How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?”
“I got the dripper.”
“I have food chunks in my urine.”
“Had sex with my daughter’s fiancé and then douched with Lysol—feelin’ a little raw down there.”
“Scabs on my butt and I’m losing my mind.”
“I’m releasing semen when I take a crap.”
“I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man.”
“I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice.”
“Can’t you put the swab in further?”
“I had sex with my baby’s momma, sex with my other baby’s momma and my other new baby’s momma has disease.”
“Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it’s cooked.”
“My cervix hurts when I jiggle.”
“The seam in my circumcision split open.”
“I be messin’ with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don’t trust either of them.”
“My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits.”
“From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me.”
“I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me.”
“I think my boyfriend knows what’s going on. He’s been calling me a ‘chlamydiahoris. ‘”
”My pee smells like ham.”

 

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DragonPapa1 (103)

The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she’d died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone.  At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, “Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?”
       “Not at all,” my son said.
       “When would be a good time?” she asked.
       My son answered, “Just as soon as I dig a cellar.”
 
 ivy

Never, Never, Never,
EVER

And I repeat

EVER

Tell A Woman

She Doesn’t Know How to Cook B-B-Q !!!
1b

Oh my Gawd!  That hurts just THINKIN’ about it!

To make sure the newspaper got out in time, the management made sure that folks working the overnight shift were fed.  After all, at the time, there weren’t any all-night diners open in the town.  To get around this, the company provided trays of sandwich fixin’s, and snacks for city desk reporters and staff. 
       One morning, as he was just getting ready to start on his last article, a hungry editor turned to a reporter and asked if there was any food left.  “Yeah, I think there’s a piece of cake left, but it’s not for you.”
       “Why not?” asked the editor. Bam!
       “Because you can’t have your cake and edit, too!”    

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I am completely convinced that there is no other life in the universe. If there were other beings they would appear on my teenage daughter’s phone bill.

 

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Ain’t that the truth!  You know the part that annoys me most?  Here it is, 2011 and we don’t have the toys that were promised us in 2001: A Space Odyssey, Star Trek and many of those other science fiction shows, We don’t have the alternative energy sources that we SHOULD’VE had if we had only put as much effort and money into the science as we put into the bullshit political bribery and economic help, to make nice with the damn Arab countries that are holding us hostage…that we are LETTING hold us hostage because we are so tied to oil as an energy source!  Can you imagine just one piece of Star Trek technology….the transporter, and how that would change our world?  Like a magic teleportation spell.  Time to go to work, “Bye honey, I’m going to work.” Punch in the coordinates for work and VRAZOING!  There you are at work!  Go home for a lunch break? Like stepping through a door way. VRAZOING!  Have lunch in New York and go back to work in Albuquerque. Or the moon.  Get up in the middle of the night, open the fridge and realize there’s no milk.  Now, I know, on Star Trek they had the replicator, but if all we have is a transporter, you just step in and step out at the grocery, pick up your milk and step right back into your kitchen again.  Going to the doctor? VRAZOING!  You are there!  No more planning long vacations.  You want to go to the Grand Canyon.  Go!  Just be home for dinner and don’t forget, you’ve got homework to do.  Why DON’T we have this stuff?  Because somebody wants to keep us tied to oil.  What about a car that runs on water?  I’ve got the video around here somewhere, I know that ALL of us have seen it at least once, it’s possible!  It’s already been done!!!!!! Why are we still tied to these damn fossil fuels?
Why?
Because somebody (big oil) (shhhh!) is making way too much money off us.  And until we take soap boxcontrol away from this somebody (big oil)(shhhh!!!!) we are going to continue to stay on this same Merry-Go-Round while they laugh their collective asses off at us.
So, let me just slide this soap box back underneath the table where it belongs and I will return you to your regularly scheduled Dragon Laffs which will be completed for you in its entirety.
Thank you…

Rebecca is suing her husband Sydney for divorce after 35 years of marriage. When she gets on the witness stand, she spends 20 minutes explaining all of Sydney’s faults, and ending up with, “And that’s not all, your Honor. My husband is always cursing me – in fact he even curses me in his sleep.”
At that, Sydney jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “That’s a total lie, your Honor. I’m not asleep!”

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I believe we’ve shown this little guy before, but here’s a better look.  I want one of these!  Imagine, shoveling your driveway and walks while sitting at your computer, drinking coffee….. Now THAT’S what modern technology should be all about!
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=tPg1ZMiC9pA 

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There are so many different things going on here that it is tough to separate them all.  First of all, being a person who wears one of these things (not exactly the same one, but close) for a living, I can tell you from direct experience, what you are trying to do won’t work!  Secondly, the whole, don’t ask, don’t tell thing comes to mind, but it is POSSIBLE that one or the other of these two is the opposite sex.  Thirdly, if you want to see how this thing is supposed to be used, look at this next picture:

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As you can well see, these men and women are using this device properly to protect … um … HEY!  WHO SWITCHED OUT MY PICTURES!?!?

Thanks Sue!

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A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 

My next house will have no kitchen – just Vending machines and a large trash can. 

Donate322222222222222222212222

Be who you are and say what you feel… because those that matter… don’t mind…and those that mind…don’t matter!

 

Don’t we all know someone who can use this club?

 

1d

In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet, Hertfordshire
lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes 
She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn.

Her mail is addressed:
Linda Lykes
The Cock Inn
ERBUM

1c

 

Thanks for this beginning advice, DVL…

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable. 

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to   Rome with her husband..  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:  

” Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”  


Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. ” That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome  ?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome ‘s
  Tiber River called Teste.”  

“Don’t go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”


“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”


“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.  He’ll look the size of an ant.


Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . 


“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..  


And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”


“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
 

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.  


Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”
 

“Oh, really!  What’d he say ?” 
 

He said: “Who fucked up your hair?”

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bitch please

Holy Shit

Irony

Best Video Of The Year  (Amazing!)
http://www.buffaloschips.com/9206.htm

1e

NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

An Oldie but Goodie

A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his engine started to cough and sputter and then died, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.
Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, in total disgust.
As he looked at the engine by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.
Suddenly, through the shadows, came a deep voice, “It’s your fuel pump.”The man jumped when he heard the voice, causing him to hit his head on the underside of the hood. “Who said that?” he demanded.
As he looked out into the moon lit night, he saw two horses standing in the field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, “It’s your fuel pump; tap it with your flashlight, and try it again.”
Still dazed from bumping his head, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, and then got into the car, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and then sped away in his car. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. “Large whiskey, please!” he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man’s ashen face and asked, “What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”
“It’s unbelievable,” the man said, as he started telling the rancher what had just happened to him down the road.
The rancher took a sip of his beer, as he looked thoughtfully at the man. “A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?”
The man replied, “Yes it was! Do you think I’m crazy?”
“No, you ain’t crazy. In fact, you’re lucky,” said the
rancher. “Because I happen to know the black horse down there don’t know diddly about cars.”

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w (9)

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Snowiest Places

Think this year’s snow is bad? In 1921 one spot had 75 inches — in a day. With snow piling up across the nation, we look at where it falls the most — and what happens to snow once it’s plowed.

http://whoknew.news.yahoo.com/?vid=24081423

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From our Old Friend… The Old Country Boy:

DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?

Nissan has invented an artificial butt to test car seats.

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The following is from Jerry in response to the Last Word we ran (I’m ashamed to admit that it was this long ago) several weeks ago.  (It just goes to show you how far behind in my emails I am!)
I will let Jerry and his submission speak for themselves:

In response to your post about gun owner ship
Jerry
IN GOD WE TRUST

The following is one of the better Pro-Gun arguments I’ve read.

“The Gun Is Civilization!”  Interesting take and one you probably never heard before. . . . . .

As the Supreme Court hears arguments for and against the Chicago , IL Gun Ban,

I offer you another stellar example of a letter (written by a Marine) that places the proper perspective on what a gun means to a civilized society.
Read this eloquent and profound letter and pay close attention to the last paragraph of the letter….
“The Gun Is Civilization” by Maj. L. Caudill USMC (Ret)
Human beings only have two ways to deal with one another: reason and force. 

If you want me to do something for you, you have a choice of either convincing me via argument, or force me to do your bidding under threat of force.  Every human interaction falls into one of those two categories, without exception.  Reason or force, that’s it.
In a truly moral and civilized society, people exclusively interact through persuasion. 

Force has no place as a valid method of social interaction, and the only thing that removes force from the menu is the personal firearm, as paradoxical as it may sound to some.
When I carry a gun, you cannot deal with me by force.  You have to use reason and try to persuade me, because I have a way to negate your threat or employment of force.
The gun is the only personal weapon that puts a 100-pound woman on equal footing with a 220-pound mugger, a 75-year old retiree on equal footing with a 19-year old gang banger, and a single guy on equal footing with a carload of drunk guys with baseball bats.  The gun removes the disparity in physical strength, size, or numbers between a potential attacker and a defender.
There are plenty of people who consider the gun as the source of bad force equations.  These are the people who think that we’d be more civilized if all guns were removed from society, because a firearm makes it easier for a [armed] mugger to do his job.  That, of course, is only true if the mugger’s potential victims are mostly disarmed either by choice  or by legislative fiat — it has no validity when most of a mugger’s potential marks are armed.
People who argue for the banning of arms ask for automatic rule by the young, the strong, and the many, and that’s the exact opposite of a civilized society.  A mugger, even an armed one, can only make a successful living in a society where the state has granted him a force monopoly.
Then there’s the argument that the gun makes confrontations lethal that otherwise would only result in injury.  This argument is fallacious in several ways.  Without guns involved, confrontations are won by the physically superior party inflicting overwhelming injury on the loser.
People who think that fists, bats, sticks, or stones don’t constitute lethal force watch too much TV, where people take beatings and come out of it with a bloody lip at worst.  The fact that the gun makes lethal force easier works solely in favor of the weaker defender, not the stronger attacker.  If both are armed, the field is level.
The gun is the only weapon that’s as lethal in the hands of an octogenarian as it is in the hands of a weight lifter. 

It simply wouldn’t work as well as a force equalizer if it wasn’t both lethal and easily employable.
When I carry a gun, I don’t do so because I am looking for a fight, but because I’m looking to be left alone. 

The gun at my side means that I cannot be forced, only persuaded.  I don’t carry it because I’m afraid, but because it enables me to be unafraid.

It doesn’t limit the actions of those who would interact with me through reason, only the actions of those who would do so by force. 

It removes force from the equation… and that’s why carrying a gun is a civilized act.
By Maj. L. Caudill USMC (Ret.)
So the greatest civilization is one where all citizens are equally armed and can only be persuaded, never forced.

Thank You

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1174

  1. fux fux says:

    Well,another great DL ! Thanks guys ,just one question, have I done something wrong? except for the beautiful video of the blind child,none of the other links seem to work. Anyway thanks again for another bunch of laughs. Lynn

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